Man last night could not have been any worse. I don't understand it. I feel like someone is trying to tell me something.
I'm 28. Very far from my 21 year old self. So things that were fun for me when I was 21, just isn't fun to me now. For the entire month of December, I developed a habit of going out into the Atl nightlife alone. Partly because I really want to give night game a try and also because I'm tired of being home alone all the time. But honestly, whats the difference of being home alone and being completely alone while you're out?
Theres really not that big of a difference. At all. I've come to the conclusion that night clubs just aren't for me. I cant keep forcing myself to see whats out there when I feel like an outcast soon as I step foot in the place. Years ago when I was 21-23, I had friends. A lot of friends. And we went out a lot. But those same friends are either in long term relationships, they dont live in Atl anymore, or we just aren't friends anymore. So the comfort zone of going out with a group is now lost. Hell I can barely go out with one other person these days .
I feel like in my past relationship with my ex, I may have lost myself. I've become a shell of the man I used to be. I am completely convinced that my introverted personality has returned to me and my extroverted personality drifted away while I was with my ex.
So lets fast forward to last night. I went out and I REALLY shouldn't have.
A girl that I previously took out earlier in the week agreed to see me again for New Years eve. I really like this girl. Like everything about her so far is what I'd imagine someone I'd marry would look like and act like. I mean granted I've only met her once and she could turn out to be a total pain but still.
Anyways, the plan was that she'd meet me at this particular club after she left the concert she planned to go to. She told me that she would leave early, just to see me. Now in my mind, I was ecstatic. A girl liked me so much in our first meeting that she was willing to cut out some of her plans just to see me. I immediately began daydreaming about just how epic the night was going to go.
Big mistake.
I get to the club. And immediately walk to the bar. Spent 12 dollars on 2 drinks just to get my mind right. After the second drink I started to loosen up. I started feeling like my 21 year old self again. So I waited patiently for an attractive girl to come in the club. A girl did come but she came with 2 other friends, I approached and she blew me off. I then tried to talk to her friends but her friends clearly did not want to talk to me either so I just walked off. I know when I'm not wanted. So i then walked around aimlessly for around 20 minutes. Regressed to my introverted ways and became a wallflower. Waited a bit longer for another cutie to come in the club. Another one did. But this time it was her and another girl. Some guy stepped to one so i figured that this was my cue. I stepped to her and asked to dance. She looked at me with pure disgust and shook her head. I walk away and 6 minutes later I see her dancing with a dude looking very similar to the way that I look.
Now I'm looking at myself like what the fuck is going on? Im seriously not used to this much rejection. I've went out to multiple places in December and each time I approached a girl I liked i was rejected before i could even introduce myself. So now I'm pissed and it was probably written all over my face. But I tried to keep things cool. I walked off and became a wallflower again. Checking my phone every 5 minutes to see if this girl texted me letting me know she was on her way. I did get a text. But it wasnt from her. It was from my ex. She was basically wishing me a Happy New Year and telling me that she loved me. Now being that my emotions were extremely high at the moment i kept thinking to myself "what the fuck am I doing? Why am I here in this loud ass environment with all these strangers who couldn't care less if i existed or not?" I know I shouldn't have, but I texted her back saying that I love her too. Maybe i was thinking that I would get a response, I never did. But in the back of my mind I kept thinking, "This bitch never even called me on my birthday, why the fuck is she texting me now?" So I put my phone in my pocket and walked around for another 15 minutes before the clock struck 12. By this time I was EXTREMELY upset. Not only did all this bullshit happen tonight, but the one thing I anticipated with the girl that was supposed to meet me didnt even go as planned. Sparks were supposed to fly when that clock struck 12. I wanted to go into the New Year with a girl I really liked. Maybe we would've kissed and danced the night away. Maybe not. I wouldnt have cared, as long as I had somebody to interact with.
So I took action, I gave up and texted her asking her if she was still going to show up. 5 minutes later she texted me saying that she isn't coming because of traffic. I was flabbergasted and disgusted. All this time I spent in this rotten ass club, is the same time I couldve spent home. Probably finishing off my comic book. Alone and away from everyone, I immediately left the club, got in my car and drove home.
I really cant understand why things just isnt working out for me right now. Every girl I'm heavily interested in just isnt that invested in me and my value. I really like this girl too. But my pride wont let me make the first move to get in contact with her again. Hopefully she'll realize that she messed up and get in contact with me. But if not, she'll just be another random ass number on my call log.
I really wish last night was a better night. What a perfect way to start off my 2018. 😔
