Yup

Not going to post a long journal simply because it's late as hell and I have to work in the morning.  But I am 99.9% sure that me having dreadlocks should've never happened. Even when people would tell me that they like they look I'm starting to believe that they weren't being all the way truthful.

Tonight just proves things much further. Tonight was my second time meeting this new girl I met on Tinder. We didn't go anywhere,  we did order food but we went Dutch.  And the cooperation was heavy as soon as she walked in the door. She asked me a question that she already asked me before. "Why did you cut your hair?" I told her why and she told me that if she had to vote on me having hair and me not having hair she would vote on me not having hair everytime. 

It's really funny how things work man. We had sex and it was great for the most part. She was giving me a ton or resistance at first which was strange because she was the one touching me the most. But she eventually gave in. Well, after we got in the car so I could take her home she told me to turn around and go back to my place.  She was just so horny she couldn't take it anymore. I really do a great job at making women horny when I know they are attracted to me.

Well that is all for now. The never ending epiphany is still around clearly. Once my entire mind wakes up I I am going to be a beast.

Early mornings/late nights epiphany

Its late/early but I have to talk about this right now.

Me and bman went out tonight and things went a bit differently. I'm really beginning to think it really is my hair cut. My appearance changed and it's now reflecting for everyone to see. The first girl I approached rejected me. But she was a ugly looking hoodrat so I'm not really tripping. I then went and got a drink because it was too hot in the bar we were in. We found a place to post up then that's when it happened. I looked to my right and noticed a group of black girls glancing at me. I looked ro my left and back to my right and this short white looking girl began rubbing her back on my arm. And she kept doing it. I figured she was drunk and the way she was talking with her friend kinda showed that. So I left it alone.

But she started rubbing her back on my arm a bit harder like she was really trying to get my attention. I thought about what one of the dating coaches I follow said. This was a clear choosing signal. So I made my move. And what's funny, she was all in and very cooperative.  We had full playful banter and everything but I admit, I am very rusty when it comes to playful flirting with beautiful women. So I think I may have lost out on that. I went in for the number and she did give it to me however I'm not sure if it's real or not. If it's real then cool but if not then oh well It is what it is. There will definitely be more choosing signals that will be given to me in the future. She won't be the only one to give them to me, even though she was the most aggressive I've seen a woman do so far in my life.

But today just can't be a luck. I'm really beginning to feel like this was meant to happen. And now my confidence is coming back in its truest form. I just have to work on speaking up more and making things happen faster.

Those who wait?

Good things happen to those who wait?

Kinda makes me wish I would've cut my hair off a lot sooner.

2 things have happened to me recently that kinda changed my whole outlook on things. Well, actually it really just confirmed things. 

1. So I went over my ex's house to chill and smoke. And fuck....lol the norm. But what wasn't the norm was how she reacted when she saw me without my hair. What's interesting is that she reacted exactly how I thought she would react.  And even said things that I thought she would say which confirmed one thing to me. She knew that me having my locs was my down fall. My confidence began to go lower and lower until she couldn't recognize me anymore. So me finally cutting my hair was kind of like a rejuvenation of some sort. One thing I noticed about her when it comes to sex is that she would always be excited to have sex but never extremely excited. I've never seen her so wet in my entire life. She was extremely horny that day. And it was all because of my hair cut.

2. Tonight....like maybe 30 minutes ago I was on a date. And I have not had a good date in a very long time. The last date that I can remember that went well was with a girl I'd like to call Ar. But she was far from what I'm used to dealing with. So needless to say I was not enjoying it. Tonight went a bit different. This girl's name os Tamyra. She's a cute girl but she's kinda thick. (I still want to fuck though.) From my perspective the date went well. From hers I'd have to expect to the same thing hopefully.  From the very beginning it started off like all of my previous dates where things got awkward and I felt myself getting too eager. I then realized that I was tripping and remembered hearing a few dating coaches saying to be in the moment and to not worry about the future outcomes.
So needless to say I fell back and began listening but losing interest little by little into what she was saying.  And then like clockwork, she began chasing my value.

After about an hour of talking it was time to go. She didnt drive so she needed a ride. I offered and she agreed. On the way to her home she was initiating contact heavy. Touching my neck, my head and my back. She then grabbed my hand and we interlocked fingers.  Then she pulled my hand closer to her chest and rested her head on it. This is full cooperation mode ladies and gentlemen.  As I got to her place I noticed that she was putting on lip gloss. In other words signaling that she wants a kiss. We hugged and I thought she would stop before pulling away but never did. I was going to let it go but then I remembered all the shit that the dating coaches were saying about how all women are extremely passive. What she did was a test to see what kinda guy I was. So I called her out on it and she came up with some bullshit excuse as to why didnt kiss me. I told her to come,she did, and we kissed. Like 4 times.  No tongue, not yet...not until we fuck. But yes we kissed. Its fucking crazy how all this is happening after I cut my hair. I mean damn you would think my hair was the anti christ to some of these women.  Its bonkers. 

So honestly, I'm like 98% sold that my hair was the culprit to all of these girls playing me when they meet me in person or when I approach them. In order to be 100% sold I need to go on another date with a different woman to see how the interaction goes. And I also need to cold approach more women to see their reactions when I step to them. And truthfully cold approaching is probably the only way I will fully get what I want. Because as much as I enjoyed this date tonight, Tamyra is no where close to the type of woman I want in my life.

Cutting ties

When it comes to me, if I set my mind to do something it will get done eventually.  Simply because my mind has a tendacy to push an issue even when I'm not even trying to hear it. This has happened over and over again. And it's the reason why I am where I am now.

Its Sunday morning right now but 2 days ago I made a decision that I wasn't sure when I'd make but I knew that it was on it's way. After 4 long years I finally cut my hair. It was time. And I feel a whole lot better about myself and I'll tell you why:

I began growing my hair out just a year and a few months after me and my ex began dating. In a way, I felt as if it was the right thing to do. I once idolized this one guy on Instagram who had the exact look I was going for so I was fair game to do it. What I didn't know is how much of my pride and dignity was pushed to the side over the years. I'd like to think that my hair was holding me back in ways that I can't even describe.  Which leads me to believe that maybe I wasn't meant to have dreadlocks. Because the minute I cut them off I can't lie I was nervous but once I got home and took a good look in the mirror I felt like all the weight was lifted off of my shoulders. I looked happy. I looked proud. I looked clean. I looked CONFIDENT! 

This is something that I'm still trying to figure out but at this moment I really believe my dreadlocks were giving me extremely low self confidence about myself.  I mean seriously, that feeling when I looked in my bathroom mirror is a feeling that I haven't felt in a very long time. Maybe in 4 years? 

And that's not the only reason why I feel like this was the right decision. There are a whole slew of reasons why. To name a few:

Cutting them off symbolizes change. Something that hasn't happened in a long time. It symbolizes putting the past behind me. Especially since I'm almost certain there are remnants of my ex's hair  mixed in the dreads. I remember her ass cutting off all of her hair after we broke up. In a way I kinda see why she did it now. Also it was a pain in the ass to keep them done and neat. I'd have to get my ex to do it for me or pay someone to do it. Neither of which were concrete so I ended up winging it for the most part. Which probably made me look messy, unattractive, and unnapproachable.  And even the women who found me attractive probably thought I was a different type of guy (because of my appearance) and once they realized that I wasn't then that turned them off. I even think they may have thought I was acting feminine pr something because most of the time my hair was longer than theirs.

Hence why I've had terrible encounters with women this past year. None of which was happening before I grew my hair out. Hell I was barely getting dates back then. But the dates I got ended perfectly everytime. I really can only recall one really bad date from back then. But still the dates I've been on last year and this year makes that one bad date look like child's play.

So basically the old me is back. Well....the old me looks wise. I'm definitely a lot more wiser and mature than I was back then. The old school Zaytv episodes can prove that.

Now let's just see how things will go once I go back on the prowl to look for women. Even of they dont give off any choosing signals my way, I know for a fact that I am a lot more confident now then I was when I had long hair.

Work holding me

So I'm having a random high moment but I'm thinking work maybe holding me back from getting more women.

I spend a lot of time working on Renisha and Cjay and its finally dawning on me that the comic is coming to a conclusion. And I know I will be taking a long break from comic making other than working on finishing Magnor. So I won't really have anything to do other than commissions and practicing drawing Star Hex and Ms. Makeshift. So I'm thinking I'm going to get out more. I'm going to start traveling more like I did earlier this year. I'm becoming a slave to my apartment and it sucks that I'll finally have a little bit of freedom when it gets cold outside. Smh but it is what it is. Because I'm not going to get any women from Tinder that's for damn sure.

Honestly I'm getting fed up with it all together. Its filled with a bunch of women who lose interest the minute you go for the number. I'm guessing because they are simply looking for attention. I stand firmly on the 4 message rule. But it hasn't gone as well as it did earlier this year and late last year. At least back then I was getting dates. Now I can barely get a chick's number.

So all of my questions lead back to the same answer. And its truly the only way to get what I truly want. I just have to jump over the hurdle that my pride has a hard time letting go. Which is another thing I need to fix. The same reason why I need to go out alone a bit more to get comfortable in my groove. Hanging with my friend is cool but at the same time I can feel the tension when both of us see a really pretty girl. Its clear that hes waiting on me to make a move. And admittedly it's something I haven't done in quite a while. The last approach I did do I felt I nailed it until the very last part. So quite Frankly I was sure to never hear from the woman again.

So basically I definitely need to get out of the house more. Once Renishaandcjay is finished, rendered out, and sent to the printers I'll be a happy guy. I may even find some women to finally be good enough to have on the team.

I need to wake up

It's around 4:30 am and I simply cannot sleep. A lot of things are on my mind and usually I would be able to by pass these thoughts and go back to sleep but these thoughts just won't go away.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. I hate Tinder.  I'm just not seeing how some guys get so lucky with it. Here I am, a year and 400 matches later and I still have only had 2 casual encounters and neither of them were anything I really wanted. The women who use this app clearly dont take it serious. I think it's because they understand that Tinder is a new way to meet new people but it's not the only way. And they treat it as such. Because of this I'm getting played left and right because some how I've been attracting a shit ton of attention whores. These bitches literally message me back over and over again until shit gets too real after I ask for their numbers. Just proves that a lot of them are really on their to waste time. Which is why I've had so many horrible encounters with the women I've met in person on there. 

These thoughts have been keeping me up at night because I'm really unhappy with my dating life right now. I know what I have to do but it's really not that simple. I know that I have to get the fuck out of this house and approach more women but I really don't want to go out with that being my only intentions. Simply put, I really dont have a reason to get out of the house most of the time because all of my hobbies include me being inside. And of course my best friend is out here now but he clearly is having the same issues that I'm having.

What's interesting is that we really shouldn't be. But that's a whole other story.

I'm just sick of getting online whether it be Instagram, tumblr, tinder or anything else and seeing nothing but pretty females that I want but cant have. And going to bars/clubs are not going to help me find what I've been looking for. I've researched this topic over and over again and the girls I want aren't going to be clubbing on a Saturday night. Hell the girls I want probably aren't even out on a Saturday night. These girls are probably going about their days like Normal people. It's just responsibility to find them and approach them.

Speaking of that, I've been working on a default approach that should keep me on my toes. It's really simple so it lessens the opportunity for me to mess up. But even then I know that I will still be rejected over and over again. Because as attractive as I think I am, there are billions of girls who just aren't attracted to me. I know one thing though. The minute I realize and understand how to approach women effectively,  I will probably never use tinder again.

Separation

Yesterday,  I did something that I didnt even know I would have to do.  I disabled my Facebook. 

It came to a point where I just wasnt feeling it anymore. I've felt this way for a while but I just never acted upon it because I felt I could bypass all the stuff I should ignore but things were taking a toll on me. I got tired of spending a few hours of my day wasting time scrolling the timeline. I got tired of posting a status that included a question and maybe 2 out of the 700 people that were my "friends"  would actually respond.  I got tired of posting my art and only receiving a quarter of what everyone else was receiving even though we were all highly skilled artists. You could take it as hating but in the end I've been drawing for 20 years and I have the skill to prove it. So I'm not sure if Facebook was purposely hiding my posts or people saw my posts and chose to ignore them for whatever reason. But whatever the case, I don't really care anymore because my Facebook is disabled and I'm not sure when I'll enable it again.

Furthermore this gives me more time to ignore what other folks are doing and purely focus on what I'm doing. It's time to hone my skillset even more than where it is now. It's time to finally finish Renisha and Cjay and to really start working on Iron Infiniti!

The night before I deactivated Facebook I began practicing poses from another artist that I follow. This will definitely help me improve! I swear, the older I get, the more I think that learning how to better my skillset is just like growing a Pokemon or gaining skill points from a JRPG lol.

As far as women are concerned,  nothing much has changed here. The only sexual partner I've had is my ex STILL smh.

I've had many opportunities but I've managed to fuck each one of them up. Simply because I began doing something that I didnt even know was bad but it is:

Touching.

See, being that I was with my ex for 5 years, we've always communicated with touch. She loved to touch me and I loved to touch her. When we sat down and watched television we touched, when we ate we touched,  when we were simply talking to each other we would touch.  So I thought touching was normal if a woman was around me and I "thought" attraction was there. But unfortunately that can't be further from the truth.

See after all of those fails, I had to dig deep inside myself and say: "It must be something I'm doing." So I drowned myself in dating advice from everywhere until I downloaded a book from a dating coach I've known about for years.the funny thing is, I've never really taken him serious until I read the book. And boom, soooo many of my mistakes were thrown right in my face. What kills me is that I implemented these things in my mind back in the day before I met my ex. I guess after dealing with her for 5 years most of the game I had dissolved.  So now I'm stuck trying to put all of the game back in my head while also simultaneously trying to meet new women.

I've had a lot of breakthroughs but being that I'm single as a 1 dollar bill and my phone is extra dry, I'm not breaking through enough. And because Renishaandcjay and commissions are the main sources of my income right now I dont get out the house that often. So I bit the bullet and started fucking with Tinder again. What's interesting about things this time is that it's even more difficult to get a date than it has ever been. I have no fucking clue how I was getting so many numbers and dates late last year. This summer in particular has been pretty rough.

But, if there's one thing I have to keep in mind about the game is that I should never keep all my eggs in one basket. So I have been approaching in public more than I used to. Unfortunately it hasn't been enough but at least I'm getting there. What's insane is that I really don't have a fear of rejection anymore because I've been rejected so much. But I still get tense when I'm talking to a new woman. Also women are always around but I can't seem to grip their attention when I want. And the minute when I'm not prepared and I'm out to take care of business this is when I get all of the attention.  I hate that shit man. Why can't I get the attention when I'm actually ready? And that's where the problem happens. I guess I have to develop the skill of always being alert.

There's so much more that happened since my last post but that will have to be for another time.