What's done is done in houston

The title says it all. I'm slowly but surely beginning to understand this concept. It's coming to me every single day in different signs.

When me and my ex split back in September, I went and took a leap of faith and caught a flight to Houston to see this girl I previously  dated shortly before me and my ex met. Big mistake. Not only did we not have sex, but it seemed like she didn't want anything to do with me. I mean granted, I did just get out of a relationship but at the same time we previously talked about me coming out there and she seemed really interested in seeing me. But I was clearly wrong about everything. I had to stay in a hotel room and she would come and pick me up to go to random ass places. At the time I wasn't studying the game as much as I am now so I didn't totally understand what she was doing but once I got back home it all dawned on me. She totally was trying to put me in the "trick bag". Must've had something to do with the fact that I flew out to see her and not the other way around......

I spent all of this money to come see her and when I got there she barely treated me to anything. She wanted me to pay for Damn near everything and would've let me had I not declined. I kept trying to touch her and do sone PDA but nothing worked. She literally told me that I was being too romantic. In the back of mins I was thinking "How the fuck does a good looking guy like me keep getting put in these fucked up situations?"

The last day she let me stay at her apartment.  We didn't have sex because she was conveniently on her period at the time. She wasn't lying though. I saw tampon wrappers in the trash. She spent the better half of the entire day studying for her college test and ignoring me. Luckily I had my sketch book so I had something to occupy my time. But even that got boring for me. I felt so retarded that I wasted time money and resources going out there. I know she knew it because she kept asking me if I was ok and I told her that I was bored out of my mind.  Yet she didn't even try to entertain me. I was just like wtf.

When it was time for me to leave I got a inkling of a kiss that I've been waiting the entire trip to get . It was the wackest kiss I have ever had. I felt so fucking terrible. Not only that but I almost missed my fucking flight. Shit was crazy.

Even after all of that, I tried to remain positive. But that all ends here. Right now. Tonight.

You see, I've dated enough so far to know when a woman is genuinely intrigued with me. I don't have to do much pursuing if  at all. They always pursue me and it makes me feel good because it lets me know that I'm on their mind.  This is currently happening with my ex and another girl on my roster. (Sucks that I can't find more right now but that's just how it is.) But this girl, nah she never contacts me. NEVER. Which I believe is the complete opposite of how she was when we first met. I mean she was all over me when we first met. And I admit, I was young and didn't really appreciate it.

But now I feel as if this chick has all of the control in this situation now. And tonight was the final straw.  Again, as I said before, she never initiates contact.  It's always me hitting her up. I figured that I may as well try to chat with her to get my mind off my ex. Because honestly there were a couple of times this past weekend with my ex when I almost said "fuck it" in my head and probably would've done something I'd probably regret. So I decided to text her to see what she was doing.  I said I wanted to hear her voice. I know, sucker move, but I was bored and wanted to talk to sonebody. She told me that she would call me tonight.

It is now an hour past my usual bed time and she still hasn't called. Probably anticiapting me to call her to make me look like a super simp. Which is not going to happen at all.

So now I'm thinking that it's done with. And all of the things in my mind about this situation were right on the money. I don't give a fuck what could've happened, I cant get a text or a call from you at all? Just shows how much I dont matter to her life. In fact, I never mattered. I really hate the fact that I can't get that time or money back. Like that's going to be wrecking my brain for a while.  So I just have to take that L and realize that I'm never 100% special in someone's life no matter how much time has passed. Because I was once special to her. A priority if you will. But now it's clear that she put me in a category that I can get out of no matter how hard I try. And fuck it.

I'm not trying anymore.

This weekend

I'm really starting to believe in destiny.....well kinda

This past Saturday and Sunday I spent hanging with my ex. We've been having sex all over the place. And I must admit, she's 10 times freakier now than she was back when we were together. I'm not sure if it's because she's been wilding with other guys and learned some new tricks or what but I wouldn't be surprised. One thing I'm starting to realize about myself is that I dont get as jealous as I used to. Like I know she talks to other guys but it doesn't bother me as much as it should.  Maybe it's just because im getting older.

It's pretty crazy how this is going right now. She is 100% Ok with our FWB situation.  But i have no idea how long she'll pretend to be numb to this idea. She kept reiterating that she would drop any guy for me and I'm still unsure how i feel about that. I dont want what we have to come in between a bond that she could build with someone else. But she seems firm on it so I guess only time will tell.

But this weekend felt good. That quality time that we had felt amazing. Almost like we never split up. I'm giving her everything that I wasn't giving her before: Attention and it sucks because thats all she really wanted from me. Now that I make a decent ammount of money from art, i dont have to make 100% of my time about it.  Which is completely different from how things were back then.

I know one thing,  our bond is strong.  Actually it's stronger than ever before. And it sucks that I can't have her 100% to my self right now. I have to keep surrounding myself with women who don't neccesarily like me or they aren't sure if they like me and I hate that feeling. Especially when I am being nothing else but myself. I dont change how i act for any one. So once I realize that a chick isn't infatuated with me then I immediately cut all contact. I dont call them unless they call me, and 9 times out of 10 they never do. Which is why I'm sick of the dating scene. SICK OF IT! Its like I know I could find better women than the girls I'm surrounding myself with but all the signs are pointing that it's just not the time.

Which is why in the back of my head I keep thinking that I may just need to wait until  spring/summer  season. That is, if I dont knock up my ex before then.  I was EXTREMELY close to doing it but I stopped myself before things got further.

I forgot to mention that Friday I hung out with another girl that I've been seeing. We basically watched tv and had sex. Yeah this has been a sex filled weekend lol I like her but I don't think things will ever go further than just sex with her. I hope she knows this too because it's not like we go places. She just comes over, we drink, have conversation, watch tv and fuck. That's about it 😆

So right now I'm dealing with her and my ex. I wish I could find a 3rd  woman to deal with but I can't ever seem to make that happen.  So right now I guess ill just keep those 2 in my rotation until something changes.....

Seeing signs

Man...ok...

So because I'm kind of looked at as a professional in the art community, im trying to keep all my personal thoughts that have nothing to do with art away from my Facebook account. So instead they will go here where no one will see then unless you do some crazy digging. 

If any of you actually did the research and dug to find this blog then you my friend deserve a award, a medal, a cookie or something 🤣

Anyways, I want  to express how I've been feeling these past few days. I've been hanging with my ex a lot and I can't lie those feelings are still super strong. I really wish I could turn back the hands of time and fix shit before things got so messed up. After  the amazing night we had, she had to work so I spent the rest of the day drawing and rewatching this series I started watching after me and her separated. Ironic, I know. That night I was looking at old pictures of us (not to mention I didn't realize how many pictures We actually took together) I can't lie, I shed a tear. It's ironic how shit is working right now. Like I actually have her back in my life and yet I still cried a bit because of what we had before. I dont know, guess I'm just super confused. I know we don't deserve each other right now but everytime she comes over, everything just feels so right. I'm low-key really starting to believe she maybe my soulmate. I can't even believe I'm actually saying that. Smh.  last time she came over, she cooked me dinner and we just layed down and kissed. She told me that she loves me and I told her the same. It was perfect.

It just dawned on me. Maybe everything is so perfect and that spark has been replenished because we had some time apart from each other.  Because I can't lie, when she comes over it feels a little bit like when we first met. That rush. that excitement. That love. I get horny as fuck when she is around me. Which is a strong difference from when she used to live with me. So that distance must be making our bond stronger.

I still check up on her Instagram and Facebook posts every now and then. And what I'm starting to notice is that she no longer posts depressing relationship statuses any more. Or the fact that she's tired of dating. Probably because im filling in a void that no other guy could fill. And I'm cool with that for right now. I just gotta make sure I remain the man that I am today and not change or regress to jealousy if she does meet someone else. We are definitely kicking in this Friends With Benefits thing  on the high right now. What's crazy is that I kinda wasn't expecting her to be so cool with this but it's working so im not complaining. She keeps repeating the fact that she would drop all the guys she's talking to for me. I'm a man and I'm being realistic here. I have a feeling that might not always be the case in the future and I'll just have to live with that. But in the mean time, im loving this shit. It's totally taking my mind off of things with the girls who continue to play stupid ass games with me.

I went ahead and deleted all of their numbers today by the way except for 1. Which is a regular.  I dont even have to initiate contact with her.  She always hits me first. Not sure how long that will last though lol.

But yeah all the others, if they ever try to get back in contact with me, they about to get hit with a "who is this" reply. And I won't feel a single bit of sorry about it.

When connections seem timeless

I'm not going to lie....I'm pretty happy right now. Even though what im doing feels wrong but feels so right at the same time.

I now have 3 pages left to color of my comic series JOG. Extra happy about that. Because now I have time to focus on commissions and character studies for my next project.  I also have to finally finish off Magnor. I've been holding it off because its ending contained a major spoiler to the ending of JOG. But now that JOG is ending, it's the perfect time to clear it out.

In the midst of coloring, I get a text from my ex. She asked if I could pick her up from her mom's house so she can move into her new apartment. At first I didn't want to do it. But then she mentioned that she'd buy me dinner and I quickly changed my mind. So I waited about an hour and half and made my way over there.  It was pretty late and on the way to her pick her up I kept thinking of where we could go to get some food. Then I thought about my favorite bar. The one right up the street from my place.  I figured this would be the perfect time for us to catch up and maybe I could flirt with her a bit.

I really wasn't sure how things would go when I picked her up because she seemed her usual friendly self. When we got to the bar I knew I had to say something sexual.  she was wearing a tank top and a throwover and I noticed she kept trying to cover herself up with the throwover and I mentioned it. She immediately started blushing and said something under her breath. I asked what she said she looked at me with a smile and said "nothing" (green light)

So I came up with some excuse for her to come back to the crib. But i really didn't need to. She wanted to come and probably figured that we'd end up there anyways.  So we get in and I pour up some wine and we watch tv. After a certain amount of time I just knew that she wasn't going anywhere any time soon so I had to try her. As stated in my last post, I really wanted to have sex with  her. I couldn't put my finger on it at first but I really, really missed her. And she clearly wanted to have sex with me too. Everything was smooth and super easy.  We had sex twice last night.  And if it weren't so late im sure it would've a 3rd. It honestly felt like the best sex I've had in a while. During, she kept telling me that she loved me and that She missed me. In my head I'm wondering if She has had sex with anyone since we split? I never got around to asking her though.  I know she's dating but according to her, she's doesn't really like any of the guys she's talking to so I'm not sure.  She ended up staying the night and in the morning she made us breakfast. It honestly felt like our lives were on pause for 4 months and we finally pressed play again. It's crazy.

So this is what it's like when you build a connection with someone who genuinely likes you back. None of the games. None of the bullshit.  I mean, granted I am also dating around but I've honestly never felt a connection with anyone like I do with my ex.

After we ate breakfast, I took her to her apartment which is around 5 minutes away. So I know I'll be seeing a lot more of her. She was even the first to suggest her coming over more often. Which I don't have a problem with as long as I don't have plans.  Which has been kinda rare these days anyway. We have an interesting situation going on right now. I'm guessing it's like a "Friends with benefits" type situation right now. Where we clearly love each other but we are both leaving our options open and we aren't tying each other down. I did ask her the question I mentioned in a previous post and she said she'd respect whatever situation that comes around if things become serious with someone else and I agreed. But until then we are just being friends....well more than friends lol

Not sure how long this would last though...

I love her. And I more than likely always will.  She told me that she would drop everything for me without question. So in sure she loves me just as much.

Can't sleep

It's about to be 4:30 in the morning and I have to be at work by 7. But i really can not sleep. Simply because I have a lot on my brain right now.

I'm dead broke right now. Because I had to register my car earlier this week and the taxes murdered my earnings for this month. I was barely getting by as it is and now I got my ass handed to me on a silver platter. All the money I made were for commissions I haven't really had the chance of working on yet. This is because ive been lazer focused on finishing off this comic.  But the commission todo list is getting bigger and bigger. I've gotten a shit ton of work done on the comic though. Still 10 pages left. But ive made progress because they are all inked and ready to go. Which is the most time consuming part of the process. So now I get to color which is easily the best part.
I started coloring them last night and now I have 8 pages left to color. If everything goes as planned, i should have everything ready to go by next week. 👌

Now for some other reasons why I can't sleep.....

So, as expected, the girl that was supposed to meet up with me didn't show up. I'm low-key not even surprised at this point. Girls are emotional creatures. They'll feel a certain way one day and then feel a completely different way another.  Which is why I really need to learn to ignore their advances when it's not beneficial to me.

Case in point, this situation.....When she hit me up that night, i shouldve ignore her message until the next day. Smh

But anyway, I called her after I got off work and told her that she should slide through.  She then tells me that she'll call me back in 30 minutes.  30 minutes go by, and hour goes by,  2 hours go by.....I hear nothing from her at all. So at this point I figure she wasn't coming so I went about my usual schedule: working on my comic book. I posted a few stories on my instagram and a few hours later I  checked to see who was watching. Low and behold her name pops up. I'm like really? This is becoming a trend for some odd reason.  A girl will play the fuck out of me or herself and then she will continue to stalk my instagram afterwards.  Happened multiple times these past few months. Everytime it happens I just think to myself: Why?

So basically I'm beginning to learn that a lot of these chicks value my attention more than anything else. They don't really care if they ever see me again as long as I give them some sort of attention. Which is why I can barely get any of them to actually make plans and ACTUALLY follow through with the plans they make. I notice this because I never call this girl. Hell I barely even text her. So when I actually do pursue her she plays around. It's almost like a cat and mouse scenario.  I need to find a way to meet better chicks. Because this shit is soooo dead. It's safe to say that i won't be talking to her any longer.  She'll just be another lost soul stalking my Instagram account because I refuse to acknowledge her any longer.

Another thing that's wrecking my brain is my ex. It's like, I know we are going to hang out. She texts me almost everyday. But to what extent are we hanging out? I really want to fuck. Can't lie. But does she? Or will she? That's the biggest question that's been wrecking me these past few days. Another huge question is how would this work if either of us find someone else who we connect with? I guess both of those questions will come up when we do eventually get some alone time. I just have to be ballsy enough to let it be known what I want to do.

Man, I honestly cannot wait till it gets warmer outside.  I'm really tired of the snow. I'm tired of the ice. I'm tired of the cold wind.  And I'm really tired of these moronic ass chicks out here. Only time will tell if it's the weather thats making things difficult for me or is it something else?

10 pages

Man...its been a journey.  I can't believe that it's almost over.  My comic now has around 10 pages left for me to ink and color before everything is complete. Man it's unreal. But I'm glad that it's almost over. It's time for me to move on to bigger things. Like Iron Infiniti. Unlike my first comic, with Iron Infiniti I'm going to take my absolute time getting it just right. Nothing but a ton of TLC action.

Speaking of action, I'm slowly but surely wondering what it is about me that some chicks can deal with and some chicks can't. 

My ex is cool with me now. Chances are we are going to get close again. But not too close. I dont want those problems.  I have another girl that comes over every now and then and we have a good time. But I wouldn't say that I'm 100% attracted to her. I have another girl that I talked about a few posts earlier that recently reconnected with me. I'm sure she realized that I wasn't going to hit her up any more. So she sent me a DM in Instagram . We're supposed to be hanging tommorow but I have learned never to rely on women so im not going to act to excited. I got another girl number on Tinder. Playing it slow with her. I'll probably hit her up but I'm going to wait until next week before trying to meet with her. The tall  girl that came over last Saturday still checks my IG stories so chances are I'll be hearing from her soon.

Out of all those situations, I cant help but wonder why the girls I actively pursue never really like me or push me off? Speaking of Tinder, I super liked this girl on Tinder 2 days ago because I thought she looked super familiar.

I'll get to that in just a moment.....

Apparently she liked what she saw because she liked me back. I immediately sent her a message asking if we've met before. I waited around 20 minutes to see if she's respond. In the mean time I kept swiping on other profiles.  I came across her profile again, i thought this was weird because it was a seperate profile from the other one. This one had her real name and her interests.  And turns out that she's a nerd. She likes anime, working out, and hiking. In just thinking to myself: "this is too perfect."

I get back to my inbox to see that this chick either deleted that profile that we matched on or she unmatched me. Now im thinking what the fuck? Super attractive girls who are into anime are so fucking weird to me.  They almost always never seem to be interested in anything I got going on. I try to talk to them all the time but nothing ever seems to work out right.

Now, the reason I thought she was so familiar looking is because back when I first started going out alone, I went out to this lounge and I was pretty much a wallflower until more women came in. This was one of the first and only times where I didn't really hesitate to approach the girls I found attractive. I approached 3 girls that night. And the last one is the one that caught my attention the most. Her face....I don't think I'll ever forget that face. It was almost identical to the girl that matched with me on Tinder. I shook her hand and she had a firm handshake.  She told me she was in the military. I told her I was about to leave out but I handed her my card and told her to call me. Needless to say she never did call me. And part of me is still pretty upset about that because she was definitly one of the prettiest chicks I have ever approached.

But what gets me is that this girl on Tinder never mentioned the military on either of her accounts. So either this wasn't the same girl and I'm just tripping,  she has a twin, or she was lying. It still doesn't explain to me why she unmatched with me.  I swear I feel like im not doing anything out of the ordinary with any of these chicks. I'm just being me,  not using any tricks or cheap pick up lines anymore. Just being me and genuine yet it's hard to keep a decent chick around these days.

I guess things are just more difficult for me. Always has been. Always will be. I guess I just need to live with that.

Working title

These past few days I've been doing nothing but working on my comicbook. I have a total of 3 to 5 pages left to thumbnail and ink. And around I pages to color before I'm finished with it completely. Luckily this journey is almost over. Then I'll take a break and only work on commissions and character designs for the sequel comic.

The name of the sequel will definitely change. Even though it's a sequel I've been thinking about distancing it's name away from the original series name. This way it could develop a broader fan base of people. I really can't want to work on the new character designs. The ones I did a few years ago were ok but clearly outdated.  It's time for some changes.

Now for other news.....

My love life is a joke. No seriously, it's pretty bad right now. Out of all 3 things that was supposed to happen last weekend only 1 did. And it was with one of the girls I've previously been intimate with.

The other one who I met up with was already  mentioned in the previous entry.  And then there was this other girl that was supposed to meet up with me on Monday but never showed up. What gets me about her is the chick was far from pretty.  Probably around a 5 1/2 in scale. But she still flaked. It's crazy how average looking women flake nowadays. She told me she was sorry. I just smh and deleted her number.  I bet she was expecting me to continue texting because I'm  sure a lot of these other guys would do that but I'm not even about to be put in that circle with those guys.

But then....I did something I instantly regretted. I contacted that girl one more time just to see if anything would change. Basically because I listen to one of those dating coaches on YouTube and they told me that the guy is supposed to do all of the pursuing in the beginning of courting. He also mentioned that the guy should text the girl once a week.

Now granted, the previous week when I hit her up she told me that she's busy with school and work which I guarantee was a lie. She then said "maybe Friday" so of course when Friday came around I didn't hear from her. So I hit her up again Monday just to see what was up. She texted back rather quickly.  I then suggest we meet up sometime later this week and she stopped texting all together.

I just find it super interesting that a girl....nah.... a grown ass woman can't even tell you that they aren't interested.  It's crazy how they will continue talking to you over and over again instead of just deleting your number and never speaking to you again.  This all makes me feel that she was never planning on meeting with me on New Years Eve. Shoulda known something was up when I had to get in contact with her to figure out if she was still coming. She didn't even have the common courtesy to let me know that she couldn't make it. So in all honesty I dont even know what I saw in the bitch. She never once respected my time. Not once. So I went ahead and deleted her number out of my phone.  I did this before and she ended up texting me and i replied like a dumbass. This time, even if she tries ti get in contact with me again I most likely wont even try to make a connection. She just showed me her true colors. Hopefully someone new will come around so I can wipe her ass out of my memory. Because I'm tired of thinking about what could've happened if she were actually cooperating with me.

Stupid bitch....

The principles

I noticed that I'm starting to use this blog as something I can post that I can't post on Facebook. Don't want people judging me more than they already do. Besides, I want  my Facebook to only have art related posts. All of my other ideas and thoughts can go here.

I really need to figure out how to apply the principles of certain things the correct way when im put under pressure.

An update from earlier today.....

Ol girl actually showed up. She stayed for 4 hours. And im sure she was expecting sex to happen. There's no way she would drive all the way out here just to watch tv. At first I was trying to read her energy because I did start this whole thing with a lie. She's 5'8 and I'm 5'7 But I told her I was 5'8 too.  I will never do that shit again. So when she walked in, that was the first thing she mentioned.  Red flag. But she sat down and we finally started warming up to each other. 

But I wasn't really able to do anything I wanted because for some reason everytime I get a around a girl all of the principles and ideologies seem to go out the window. We made out and I did some petting. But she didn't touch me not once. It was at a point where I physically had to grab her hand and put it on my dick to let her know what I was trying to do. But she was playing acting like she didn't want to do anything. She quickly moved her hand So I backed off.

I then started feeling on her ass but she would only let me touch. Wouldn't let me pull her pants down at all. I tried to put my had down her pants a few times but she wouldn't let me get too far down.  So at this point I should've told her that it was time to go but I kept trying. She did continue kissing me but at this point in my short dating life, kissing and making out isn't that big of a deal. A chick will do all that and still not really like you like that.

She just left and things were super awkward because she's already taller than me.  She had plans to go out with her friends so she wanted to see me first.  She arrived at 6 and planned on leaving at 7:30. But she ended up leaving at 10:00. Her friends are pissed at her and she acted as if she kinda didn't care. So I'm not sure how to really read that. I mean she stayed with me longer than expected so I wasn't sure if she wanted to stay because she liked me or if she wanted to stay because she was anticipating sex.

When she finally did leave she had on heels so she was towering over me now. We hugged and kissed but she had to bend down a little to do so. So I'm sure she felt awkward too. Ugh lol

I'm really not too sure if I'll hear from her again. If I do, she better be trying to smash because if she plays around like she did tonight then I will just charge her to the game. My problem now is finding a way to get girls comfortable enough to have sex with me the first night we hang out. This was never a problem when I was younger.  I may need to contact one of these dating coaches because im starting to notice a pattern.  That's one of my major problems right now and its killing my game. Only time will tell if she contacts me after tonight. Because I Damn sure won't be contacting her first....

Epiphany

Just woke up but I wanted to get some thoughts off my chest with a few updates.....

I've been working on this comic nonstop for about 2 days. I've made progress but it feels like I haven't gotten anywhere yet. I have 8 pages inked and I have around 13 more to go. Then I can finally call this story finished.  Thank God!! Lol

Im at a crossroads in what I want to do after I'm finished with it though.  My original plan was to hold a Kickstarter campaign to make enough funds for print but I'm really unsure of myself and my fans. Not to mention my writer for my next project unexpectedly quit and she was going to help me out on that end. Smh

But yeah I'm just  not sure if the fans would support to get these books printed. And for just 50 copies of them it would cost around a thousand to print. I also have to worry about audio and video.  Luckily I'm back cool with my ex so I would be able to use her services to help me out but I guess I'm just afraid of the out come

Speaking of the women in my life,  things have shifted a bit. My crush, honestly is no longer my crush. Things just never went anywhere. So in my head I know what her true motives were. She was never really into me. All the signs were there and I just kept fucking trying yo make things work over and over again.  To my surprise she contacted me on Wednesday. But it wasnt for a reason that I thought. She just wanted to see how much I would charge to draw her.  In my head I'm thinking "you bum bitch, if you actually pursued me on a serious level I would draw pictures for you free of charge!" But I just told her it depends. I then shifted the convo to us seeing each other again. (I know 😔) and she said maybe Friday.  Once I read maybe, I already knew what that meant. So I said ok and left it at that. Friday comes along and of course I dont hear from her at all.

So yeah she's definitly not a priority of mine anymore and to be honest she should've never been. The difference between a girl who is interested and a girl who is on the fence is a pretty big deal. I mean granted,  im starting to have a hard time depending on any woman these days but the ones who are interested in me at least contact me first 80 percent of the time. I normally don't even have to initiate contact.

That leads to this......

There's this girl who I've been talking to for around 2 weeks. She texts me first every single time. We've basically just been texting back and forth. But yesterday I decided to talk on the phone with her. I figured I'm not doing anything but inking these comic pages so I think I should be able to talk and work at the same time. Things went pretty well.

I will say that I'm slowly realizing that a lot of girls are more similar than they are different. This girl sounded and acted just like one of my exes. It got so crazy to a point where I zoned out and I almost felt like I was talking to my ex instead of her. It was crazy. She is also a big anime nerd like me and is into ecchi anime. It's crazy how I always thought I was weird for liking that stuff where there are women out here who are just as freaky. But yeah we hit it off pretty well. I'm supposed to see her today, but again I'm not trying to rely on women anymore because stupid shit always seem to find a way to happen.
But I'm just gonna keep trying to think positive thoughts.

After I got off the phone with her, i talked to another girl on the phone for around 2 hours. Didn't even feel like we were on the phone that long but we were. This is a contradiction but she isnt like the first girl at all. She was more mellow, quiet, and introverted. Took a while for me to get to her to open up. We are supposed to meet up on Monday. This is definitely an experiment. First girl ever that im going to try to get her to meet me at my house verses taking her out somewhere first. So this is going to be super interesting.

And to top it off, one of my other female friends is coming over on Sunday. I know we are guaranteed to have a good time so im not really worried about her.  

Im not going to lie, i do feel really good right now.  Even though the girl I really want to see more basically dissed me and doesn't see the value in me at all. But at the end of the day, the true meaning of abundance does make you a happier person. I just hope that my happiness doesn't desolve away once all of these girls start acting up on me. I just need to find more and work on my purpose

I have another story to tell, but I'll save that for another day......

Journey

Today is a landmark in a way.  I am finally down to the last page of thumbnails before my comic is complete.  Man i honestly can't believe it's been 5 years since I started this thing. Thank goodness it's almost over. It's been a tough journey to say the least. I finished coloring around 4 pages today and I have no more to color until I start inking again. So I have a lot of work for me to get through.  I just might meet the deadline to finally complete this series. I hope to have everything done by the end of this month. It's now the 10th so I have around 22 days to do it. If I stay focused, i just might be able to.

Got another girl story to tell.....

So I want to say around 2 months after me and my ex split I went out with this girl that was showing me extremely high levels of interest on Facebook.  She would like my statuses and like almost all of my pictures.  So I figured that I might as well try her. It was a struggle to get her to meet me at first  but when we did finally meet, I admit, I was instantly attracted to her. She had the prettiest smile and she had freckles. There's just something about girls with  freckles......

It seemed like we hit it off pretty cool too, it was so interesting how things went because she paid for everything. Paid for my drinks and paid for my food. I was looking like "wow, this is different. But i like it. " she even got to the bar on time. I was like wow!! During the date I mentioned that my birthday was coming up. She acted as if she was so interested. She even worked up the nerve to pick her phone up and pretend like she was actually reminding her self on her calendar on the date of my birthday.  She was making it seem like she was sooo fucking interested in hanging with me on that day.

Well come to find out, I never heard from her on my birthday. Matter of fact,  I never hear from her period. It's one of those situations where I have to constantly reach out to her just to get a inkling of her attention. And I know what that usually means.

She's not at all interested. (This shit is becoming a fucking trend lately, I swear)

Now she told me that she works for a company where she does a lot of traveling so it's kinda hard for her to stay focused. But i find it hard to believe that if she was at all interested in me, that she would at least call or text to see how i was doing. But the shit never happened.  It got so bad that I had to initiate contact with her after my birthday and the bitch had the nerve to tell me that I didn't call her. Why would I have to call you on MY birthday? She then tells me that she's out of town. So I tell her to call me when she gets back in town. 

Weeks go by and I still never heard from her. I eventually found out through Facebook that she's been back in town. This is when I realized that she was just toying with me this entire time.   She never once thought to get in contact with me. So I knew it after that. Waited a couple of days and deleted her number. And wouldn't you know it, the very next day after, the bitch texts me. But it wasnt to see how I was doing.  It was just to ask me what my Instagram account was.

I was pissed. But like usual I try to give people the benefit of the doubt.  (I'm done doing this by the way) I texted her today  just to see if she would respond. She responded 1 minute later. I then texted back asking if she was busy. 10 minutes go by. 30 minutes go by. An hour goes by.

I then said fuck it. Told her that I won't be contacting her any longer and deleted her number for good.  She never responded with anything.  So I said fuck it and deleted her off my Facebook too. What's the purpose of pursuing someone that I can't see or even fucking talk to?

I really need to figure out what it is about me that keeps attracting chicks who play games and aren't at all serious about me. Is it my energy? Is it my personality? Is it my look?

Or does it have anything to even do with me? And if not, then why does this process seem so damn repetitive?

The Irony

Couple of things that I needed to jot down. Yeah its a early post but screw it.

Last night I found a new dating coach with some stellar advice. He speaks the complete opposite of what others are stating about how men should act towards women. One would be to talk more and text less. So I said fuck it, let me call this chick up(my crush) and see if things would change. I called, and she didn't pick up. Nor did I get a text telling me that she was busy or a call back. Just radio fucking silence.

So at this point its clear to me. This girl just wasn't feeling me. I wanted to believe  Like I REALLY wanted to believe the opposite but all of the signs are there. So I have to fall back. All the way back. I need to delete her number in my phone and pretend I never had it in the first place. And chances are, I wont hear from her anyways.

It's Ironic how this is going though. Me and her matched on Tinder. Unbeknownst to me she also has an account on Okcupid. I wouldn't be surprised if I discover that she has a account on POF too. So she is clearly looking for something.

I guess I'm just not it.

I love how on her profile she claim's that she's tired of being single and looking for something serious. But yet here I am, actively interested, and she's playing me like a fiddle. Really fucking ironic.......I honestly should've guessed what was up on New Years eve when we were supposed to meet up. She was going to leave me out in the cold all fucking night without even telling me that she wasn't coming. I had to contact HER to get the confirmation. smh

Part of me wants to give up on online dating and just wait till the weather warms up so I can go back out in the field. Another part of me wants to keep searching and hoping to find at least one cool chick to be around. Unfortunately I'm just not sure if that will happen with what I'm currently doing right now. So I think I'm going to elect to not even fuck with Okcupid or POF any more. Tinder is slowly but surely going to be in that pathway too. Oh and funny thing about Tinder, I'm finding myself matching with all types of girls who don't even live in the area let alone the state I'm in. And if I do match with a girl who lives in the area its always a single mother. I'm not even giving girls like this the time of day. Especially what happened with the last bitch. It's like girls online who happen to live in Atlanta are repulsed by me or something. So it just may be time to give up on online dating sites for good.

I'm really taking all of this as a lesson learned quite frankly. Just 6 months ago I was in a relationship but I wasn't particularly happy. I'm quickly realizing that maybe I took things for granted in one of the worst ways. I have her back as a friend but I really wish I could turn back time and fix things so I wouldn't have to worry about who I'm dating next or who she's dating next.

I really thought I was missing out on something out here, come to find out, I really wasn't.......

Next post will be about my art unless something interesting happens that I just have to jot down...

Awakening

This is rare, but I just  woke up and just had to jot this down.

Today I feel different.  For a couple of reasons.

Last night was strange but it opened my eyes to just exactly what the hell I've been thinking but I couldn't bring myself to explain it or even express it out in the open.

I took the plunge and let my ex come over. I was nervous as hell at first but the minute she walked in, everything just felt like it did 4 months ago before we separated. It was almost like we never broke up. I dont know how to describe the feelings I was having last night, and it may be premature but I'm starting to feel like we were meant to be together.  Not saying that we are but the connection was obviously still there and I guarantee that she's feeling the exact same way right now.

Apparently she's into to tarot cards and giving readings now. We've always been the spiritual hippie couple but part of me was a bit skeptical when I found out she was giving readings.

This all changed when she gave me a few readings.....

The first reading was about the rest of this year. And it was pretty freaking strange how accurate it was. I've never told her much about my first ex that kinda broke me when I was 19-21 years old. So there's no way in hell that she would've known that her sign was a capricorn. But it turns out that the Capricorn devil card was the main card she pulled for my 2018 year. She said that the spirits were telling her that this person did something to me that I haven't been able to let go. Which is correct however I'm not entirely sure what that "something" could be. I suggested maybe how much of a role reversal things were from that relationship to this one. She said that may just be it. But in still not sure. Mayne that's something that I'll have to worry about some time further down the line.

There was another reading, basically stating that I'm not taking care of myself like I should and its because in focusing so much on my art (Yes I'm still an artist, and soon as I get out of this funk, I'll go on to talking about this in future posts.) I agree that I have been focusing on my art a lot and it maybe time to take a breather for myself. I remember there was one point where I would skip out on an entire day and not even touch my tablet. It's been a while since I've done that.

She then expressed to me that she's done a few readings for herself and everything always pointed back to me. The spirits around her keeps pointing to me as her soulmate. She even revealed her reading to me through a picture on her phone and my name was on one of the cards.  That was kinda creepy. Me 5 years ago wouldn't have believed this, but I'm a true believer of spirits and the unknown now.

We then hung out for around 5 hours talking about everything from how much we've learned and grown since our breakup, what went wrong in our relationship, what we could've done better, what we are looking to become on the future.  All of that. I honestly wasn't expecting her to stay as long as she did, and she wasn't expecting it either but I guess I made her super comfortable to the point where I bet she felt like we never broke up. She clearly still loves me with all of her heart and I love her too. She gave me a hug and I'm not going to lie, o really wanted to kiss her but I know that would seriously confuse things and ruin things for the both of us right now.

We are still in our changing and growing stages. Any type of intimacy would ruin everything. So as much as I wanted to make out and possibly have sex, I kept my composure and distance. I did express that I love her still. That shit will never go away. We both made a deal that if we both don't find anyone, have kids, or get married within 5 years time then we are going to get back together. Honestly by that time we'd be totally different individuals. However I really don't know how we'd continue to remain friends if we do end up finding someone new. Things could get super sticky. I may need to ask her how she feels about that next time we hang out. Yes, there will be a next time. I can feel it..

As far as the other "women" in my life: I say that because they are all little girls in my book.  None of them really know what they want and they play stupid fucking games all day. There was this girl I was supposed to go out with after my ex went home. We were supposed to meet up at a bar downtown but things would be hectic with traffic and road closures so I told her that we should go with the original plan and she meet me closer to where I stay. She said ok because she would be in Austell most of the night. Which was cool because Austell is like 15 minutes away from my city.  Come to find out the bitch was lying and she ended up all the way in Douglasville.  There was no way I was going to drive all the way out there to see her and whomever she was out with so I told her to meet me when she gets back to Austell.  She told me ok. 2 hours go by and I haven't heard from her. So I texted her asking if she was still coming.  She said that she was still at the restaurant in Douglasville. Now at this point I'm pissed, not only did you just totally disregard what we had planned but you totally disrespected my time. If my ex didn't come over I would've been on a whole other level of angry.  I mean I wasn't particularly excited to see her anyway because she has 2 kids so I wasn't going to do anything but try to get some sex but still the fact that she totally disrespected my time really ticked me off. So I deleted her number to stop me from double texting her. And I already know how this is going to go, I won't hear from her again because she knows how fucked up she was being so shed be too ashamed to hit me up letting me know how sorry she was. That's how "women" out here are these days. They all are fucking out of their minds. It's just another sign that I really shouldn't focus on them right now because nothing ever comes out right when I do. Really making me miss my ex smh.

Lost part 2

Man, if only I could smoke again. Because then I wouldnt be so much in my head.

I dont want this blog to be a place where I express my sad thoughts all of the time and I promise this won't last forever but I'm really starting to feel down on myself. 

I dont know if it's the weather or maybe I'm just lonely as fuck but I'm just not in a happy space right now.  And the main culprit are the women im trying to date.

Every girl I'm even remotely interested in, seems like they aren't interested in me. They play games, don't text back, or don't text at all. Another one that I really thought was into me hasn't contacted me since Christmas.  She was a cool chick to be around. Physically, she wouldn't be my first choice but I really dug her personality. So much so that I decided to meet up with her twice. We went to the movies on our second date.  Kissed a few times so I figure that I was in the bag. Apparently I was wrong.

After our last date, I was expecting to see her fairly soon.  I have a rule where I dont take a chick out again after the second date unless we have sex. I was incredibly confident that sex would happen. But it didn't. A week goes by and she finally texts me saying that she was bored. I tell her to come by. She says that it's too far. Mind you, her ass had no problem coming to see me on our first date. So why the change? Needless to say she never showed up. I haven't seen or heard from her since.  I'm just trying to figure out why the hell does this keep happening to me? I meet a chick, we go out on a date and hit it off. She pursues me. I pursue back. sometimes a second date happens, and then things fizzle out.

Most of the time second dates don't even happen. It fizzles out somewhere between the time after the first date and the setting up of the second date. This shit happens every single time. I'm getting to the point now where I dont even wanna ask a girl out anymore. If they aren't cooperating from jump then theres no point. And im sooo sick of spending money on these chicks who "don't like me like that".  

The ones who do like me are the ones I'd rather not. Fats girls and baby mamas seem to be all that I attract. I might be going out with one girl tommorow but shes a fucking single mom with 2 kids.  She's pretty as hell and all I want to do is have sex. Nothing less, nothing more so im thinking of letting that be known if we go out. I'm tired of beating around the bush with these women. If a chick can't get with my program then she can fucking kick rocks.

Im starting to wish I could just rewind time and fix somethings before life broke shit up.  Because what im learning from this shit is that these girls are extremely fickle out here in this city.  And I'm working hard to figure them out but nothing I'm doing seems to be working.

Lost

Man.....i don't even know where to start.

I shot myself in the foot a couple of times this week. Basically, it just has not been my week.

First things first, I think I'm going to be forced to find a full time job somewhere. Because if not, I'll either be homeless or forced to live back home. And I would rather not take either side. This is because I don't make enough money according to the leasing office of the the apartments where I stay. So I couldn't resign a lease with only my name on it. So I shot my self in the foot and contacted my ex. I practically had to be her to resign it with me. But she wants her name off by April. So I have to find a real job quickly.  I have no idea how Im going to do that honestly.

Because of this favor, I told her that I wouldn't mind being her friend again. Shot myself in the foot again....I mean, don't get me wrong. I do miss her, and at times it does get lonely around here. But this is all happening too fast and prematurely. I'm not sure how all of this is gonna go, but i know how it isn't.  I'm standing firm on that we are not going to get back together. I have a feeling that she may try, but it's not happening.

I shot myself in the foot once more. I should have crazy holes in my feet right now smh. I contacted my crush. As much as I didn't want to, my urge couldn't help it. She responded back 5 minutes later. I tried to set something up but as expected, she was giving me the complete run around. Telling me that she has to work and she'll be busy. This is when I should've stopped responding but I kept trying to make something work. I told her that I wanted to see her and she told me that she wanted to see me. I responded back with "let's make it happen then lol" and she responded back with A simple "ok". I didnt text back and neither did she. This happened 2 days ago. I haven't heard from her since. Meaning that she just isnt interested as I thought she was. Which really fucking sucks because I really thought she was. All the fucking signs were there. Our first date went by smooth and she kept complimenting me.

I just can't figure these girls out man. All of the dating advice I'm taking from these dating coaches online and none of it's working. I keep dealing with girls that I dont want. And they make everything so easy. If they want to see me, they make it happen. None of this wishy washy flaky stuff. But the girls that  I do want, seem to want nothing to do with me. Always flaking, acting distant, slow texting. All that shit. Some chick gave me her number just yesterday. I texted her, and she didn't even respond. And I know chicks keep their phones on them at all times so I know the bitch saw my message.

Ugh!  I really can't figure it out. What the fuck am I missing that these other guys who are successful with women have? It's like everywhere I turn I keep hearing how there are so many beautiful women down here who are single and actively looking. Then why the fuck am I having such bad luck? Shit is ridiculous.....

Random thought

So its the end of New Years day. Just as I thought, I didnt hear a peep from my crush. Not sure if she'll contact me again. But I'm trying my hardest not to contact her. Even though shes been rocking my brain all day. But every single dating and life coach that I follow seems to express the same idea. Let them chase after you. And if they dont, then they just wasnt that into you.  I hate to say it, but i kinda know this first hand now. I've been with 2 women intimately since I broke things off with my ex. Both women chased me. I almost never had to get in contact with them first. Granted, I'm not entirely attracted to them a whole lot anyway but their actions speak truth to power.  So I guess I just need to wait it out. But still continue to talk to more women.  Now I need to figure out how to switch things uo because I am really tired of taking these girls out for drinks and conversation but can barely see them again even after they say they want to see me again. Its almost like the have a change of heart a week aftwr the date or something.  This shit keeps happening over and over again. The way things are going I feel like I have to talk to like 30 girls at a time just to get at least 3 of them into me to the point where they are chasing me. OMG I cannot wait till the weather warms up because this shit sucks right now for dating.

On another note, there is something fishy going on with a past classmate of mine. I keep getting this weird feeling that she may be talking shit about me behind my back or something. We have not talked at all seriously since like middle school. We never talked in highschool so I'm unsure where all this is coming from but its sooo fucking weird. I admit i did try to request her as a friend on Facebook just to see if I could get with her. I mean she is cute as hell and she knows me, not like I'm some kind if stranger. But she never accepted it which is weird as hell. So I chalked it up as a loss and moved on.

Until today....

A girl on Tinder swiped right on my profile last month. She then followed my Instagram and started liking a few of my pictures. We began chatting for a minute and then she just stopped talking out of no where. She was gorgeous, so I made the mistake of writing back twice to see what was going on. She still never responded.  I didnt think nothing of it until tonight.  I never deleted our convo so I looked through it to see if I had did or said anything wrong to make her stop talking. But nope, I didnt. So I took the liberty of looking through her IG pictures. And low and behold, shes friends with the old classmate! And they are close. Like really close. Shes also close with another old classmate of mine who has also been giving off really weird vibes as well.  I dont want to seem like I'm being paranoid but shit can you blame me? Something strange is going on with that whole situation.  Its almost like they all got together and talked about me.  Probably telling ol girl not to talk to me for whatever strange reason. I guess I'll probably never get to the bottom of it, so I may as well stop thinking about it so much. Its 2018, time to stop thinking about the past.

New Years Massacre

Man last night could not have been any worse. I don't understand  it. I feel like someone is trying to tell me something. 

I'm 28. Very far from my 21 year old self. So things that were fun for me when I was 21, just isn't fun to me now. For the entire month of December,  I developed a habit of going out into the Atl  nightlife alone. Partly because I really want to give night game a try and also because I'm tired of being home alone all the time. But honestly, whats the difference of being home alone and being completely alone while you're out?

Theres really not that big of a difference. At all. I've come to the conclusion that night clubs just aren't for me. I cant keep forcing myself to see whats out there when I feel like an outcast soon as I step foot in the place. Years ago when I was 21-23,  I had friends. A lot of friends. And we went out a lot. But those same friends are either in long term relationships, they dont live in Atl anymore, or we just aren't friends anymore. So the comfort zone of going out with a group is now lost. Hell I can barely go out with one other person these days .

I feel like in my past relationship with my ex,  I may have lost myself. I've become a shell of the man I used to be. I am completely convinced that my introverted personality has returned to me and my extroverted personality drifted away while I was with my ex.

So lets fast forward to last night. I went out and I REALLY shouldn't have.

A girl that I previously took out earlier in the week agreed to see me again for New Years eve. I really like this girl. Like everything about her so far is what I'd imagine someone I'd marry would look like and act like. I mean granted I've only met her once and she could turn out to be a total pain but still.

Anyways, the plan was that she'd meet me at this particular club after she left the concert she planned to go to. She told me that she would leave early, just to see me. Now in my mind, I was ecstatic.  A girl liked me so much in our first meeting that she was willing to cut out some of her plans just to see me. I immediately began daydreaming about just how epic the night was going to go.

Big mistake.

I get to the club. And immediately walk to the bar. Spent 12 dollars on 2 drinks just to get my mind right. After the second drink I started to loosen up. I started feeling like my 21 year old self again. So I waited patiently for an attractive girl to come in the club. A girl did come but she came with 2 other friends, I approached and she blew me off. I then tried to talk to her friends but her friends clearly did not want to talk to me either so I just walked off. I know when I'm not wanted. So i then walked around aimlessly for around 20 minutes. Regressed to my introverted ways and became a wallflower. Waited a bit longer for another cutie to come in the club.  Another one did. But this time it was her and another girl. Some guy stepped to one so i figured that this was my cue. I stepped to her and asked to dance. She looked at me with pure disgust and shook her head. I walk away and 6 minutes later I see her dancing with a dude looking very similar to the way that I look.

Now I'm looking at myself like what the fuck is going on? Im seriously not used to this much rejection. I've went out to multiple places in December and each time I approached a girl I liked i was rejected before i could even introduce myself. So now I'm pissed and it was probably written all over my face.  But I tried to keep things cool. I walked off and became a wallflower again. Checking my phone every 5 minutes to see if this girl texted me letting me know she was on her way. I did get a text.  But it wasnt from her. It was from my ex. She was basically wishing me a Happy New Year and telling me that she loved me. Now being that my emotions were extremely high at the moment i kept thinking to myself "what the fuck am I doing? Why am I here in this loud ass environment with all these strangers who couldn't care less if i existed or not?" I know I shouldn't have, but I texted her back saying that I love her too. Maybe i was thinking that I would get a response, I never did. But in the back of my mind I kept thinking, "This bitch never even called me on my birthday, why the fuck is she texting me now?" So I put my phone in my pocket and walked around for another 15 minutes before the clock struck 12. By this time I was EXTREMELY upset. Not only did all this bullshit happen tonight, but the one thing I anticipated with the girl that was supposed to meet me didnt even go as planned. Sparks were supposed to fly when that clock struck 12. I wanted to go into the New Year with a girl I really liked. Maybe we would've kissed and danced the night away. Maybe not. I wouldnt have cared, as long as I had somebody to interact with.

So I took action, I gave up and texted her asking her if she was still going to show up. 5 minutes later she texted me saying that she isn't coming because of traffic. I was flabbergasted and disgusted. All this time I spent in this rotten ass club, is the same time I couldve spent home. Probably finishing off my comic book. Alone and away from everyone, I immediately left the club, got in my car and drove home.

I really cant understand why things just isnt working out for me right now. Every girl I'm heavily interested in just isnt that invested in me and my value. I really like this girl too. But my pride wont let me make the first move to get in contact with her again. Hopefully she'll realize that she messed up and get in contact with me. But if not, she'll just be another random ass number on my call log.

I really wish last night was a better night. What a perfect way to start off my 2018. 😔