This is rare, but I just woke up and just had to jot this down.
Today I feel different. For a couple of reasons.
Last night was strange but it opened my eyes to just exactly what the hell I've been thinking but I couldn't bring myself to explain it or even express it out in the open.
I took the plunge and let my ex come over. I was nervous as hell at first but the minute she walked in, everything just felt like it did 4 months ago before we separated. It was almost like we never broke up. I dont know how to describe the feelings I was having last night, and it may be premature but I'm starting to feel like we were meant to be together. Not saying that we are but the connection was obviously still there and I guarantee that she's feeling the exact same way right now.
Apparently she's into to tarot cards and giving readings now. We've always been the spiritual hippie couple but part of me was a bit skeptical when I found out she was giving readings.
This all changed when she gave me a few readings.....
The first reading was about the rest of this year. And it was pretty freaking strange how accurate it was. I've never told her much about my first ex that kinda broke me when I was 19-21 years old. So there's no way in hell that she would've known that her sign was a capricorn. But it turns out that the Capricorn devil card was the main card she pulled for my 2018 year. She said that the spirits were telling her that this person did something to me that I haven't been able to let go. Which is correct however I'm not entirely sure what that "something" could be. I suggested maybe how much of a role reversal things were from that relationship to this one. She said that may just be it. But in still not sure. Mayne that's something that I'll have to worry about some time further down the line.
There was another reading, basically stating that I'm not taking care of myself like I should and its because in focusing so much on my art (Yes I'm still an artist, and soon as I get out of this funk, I'll go on to talking about this in future posts.) I agree that I have been focusing on my art a lot and it maybe time to take a breather for myself. I remember there was one point where I would skip out on an entire day and not even touch my tablet. It's been a while since I've done that.
She then expressed to me that she's done a few readings for herself and everything always pointed back to me. The spirits around her keeps pointing to me as her soulmate. She even revealed her reading to me through a picture on her phone and my name was on one of the cards. That was kinda creepy. Me 5 years ago wouldn't have believed this, but I'm a true believer of spirits and the unknown now.
We then hung out for around 5 hours talking about everything from how much we've learned and grown since our breakup, what went wrong in our relationship, what we could've done better, what we are looking to become on the future. All of that. I honestly wasn't expecting her to stay as long as she did, and she wasn't expecting it either but I guess I made her super comfortable to the point where I bet she felt like we never broke up. She clearly still loves me with all of her heart and I love her too. She gave me a hug and I'm not going to lie, o really wanted to kiss her but I know that would seriously confuse things and ruin things for the both of us right now.
We are still in our changing and growing stages. Any type of intimacy would ruin everything. So as much as I wanted to make out and possibly have sex, I kept my composure and distance. I did express that I love her still. That shit will never go away. We both made a deal that if we both don't find anyone, have kids, or get married within 5 years time then we are going to get back together. Honestly by that time we'd be totally different individuals. However I really don't know how we'd continue to remain friends if we do end up finding someone new. Things could get super sticky. I may need to ask her how she feels about that next time we hang out. Yes, there will be a next time. I can feel it..
As far as the other "women" in my life: I say that because they are all little girls in my book. None of them really know what they want and they play stupid fucking games all day. There was this girl I was supposed to go out with after my ex went home. We were supposed to meet up at a bar downtown but things would be hectic with traffic and road closures so I told her that we should go with the original plan and she meet me closer to where I stay. She said ok because she would be in Austell most of the night. Which was cool because Austell is like 15 minutes away from my city. Come to find out the bitch was lying and she ended up all the way in Douglasville. There was no way I was going to drive all the way out there to see her and whomever she was out with so I told her to meet me when she gets back to Austell. She told me ok. 2 hours go by and I haven't heard from her. So I texted her asking if she was still coming. She said that she was still at the restaurant in Douglasville. Now at this point I'm pissed, not only did you just totally disregard what we had planned but you totally disrespected my time. If my ex didn't come over I would've been on a whole other level of angry. I mean I wasn't particularly excited to see her anyway because she has 2 kids so I wasn't going to do anything but try to get some sex but still the fact that she totally disrespected my time really ticked me off. So I deleted her number to stop me from double texting her. And I already know how this is going to go, I won't hear from her again because she knows how fucked up she was being so shed be too ashamed to hit me up letting me know how sorry she was. That's how "women" out here are these days. They all are fucking out of their minds. It's just another sign that I really shouldn't focus on them right now because nothing ever comes out right when I do. Really making me miss my ex smh.
