The Publix Massacre

Man yesterday did not go as planned AT ALL and unfortunately I learned that I am soooo not prepared for the game like I thought I was.

I spent almost all day in the house because i thought Brandon would come straight from work to my house and then we'd go out and see if we could find some chicks. But because we're both broke we sat around contemplating until we finally decided to leave the house. We were originally planning on going to the rec center because they were throwing a festival there. But we got there too late everyone was leaving when we pulled up. So we turned around and I accidentally got in the turning lane towards a grocery store close by. I feel like shit like this happens because of destiny because this happened all too quickly. I knew Brandon wouldn't approach any chicks if had we seen any I the grocery store so it was all on me.

The minute we walked inside I spotted this girl in the cookie and candy isle. Now had I been on my game 100% then I probably wouldn't have gotten her information but I would've been proud of my approach. But I was 50% because I just wasn't prepared. I walked around the store at first just to see if there were any other girls around. I messed up because I should've just walked up fo her first but I hesitated. Because of this, when I finally did approach I completely fucked it up.

I have this really bad habit of telling myself not to do something during an interaction and then end up doing it anyway. It's like my mind goes blank and I cant think of the right shit to say. And when I tell you that this woman was gorgeous I am not exaggerating. Nice dark skin and the prettiest smile I have ever seen. The funny thing is I didnt stutter nor did I lose my breath while talking to her. But I made things awkward right from the jump by trying to shake her hand the minute I introduced myself. Shouldn't have done that smh.

Then after that happened I asked her where she was from. Shouldn't have done that either. Simply because i really didn't care about that, I just wanted to keep the conversation going. And she could tell. Because after that I finally asked what she was doing tonight. And she gave me the dull answer of working. The minute she told me this my mind went completely blank. Couldn't think of anything else to say other than "we should link" she looked at me, giggled and said no thank you.

That was a first.

Now granted I've approached plenty of women in my time but I've never gotten rejected like that before. Usually they just lie and say that they have a boyfriend. But she didnt. Which makes this a bit worse. In my opinion, she basically told me that she wasnt interested in me at all. Which was cool but I just wasnt expecting that. I have a feeling if my game was on point I probably could've gotten her. But it's so far from being on point right now.

What keeps bugging me about this situation is that if I had studied my material of what to say to a girl to get the information I need before I left then the interaction would've went a whole lot smoother. Kinda like the bartender waitress who rejected me at the Boogolou bar last week. She was one of the baddest in the club but I waved at her to come to me and she did. Told her that she was fine as hell and would like to see her when she got off work And she told me she had a boyfriend. So I can only assume when chicks tell me they have significant others then they are in no way interested. But if a girl just out right rejects me then I probably would've had a chance if I came correctly.

This just proves that all of the shit I talk will go no where if I cant figure out how to do this correctly. I know I'll probably see a woman finer than her as early as next week but I cant help but think I completely ruined my chances with this dime. Because on the grand scale I definitely would've gave her a 20 out of 30 for sure.

But again, the signs were there and the body language shut down immediately after I tried to shake her hand. And I noticed that shit happens damn near everytime I attempt that so I cannot figure out why that shit seems engrained in my head. That and asking a chick where she is from. Both of those ruin a interaction almost everytime. So now I'm going to promise myself never to so those 2 things when interacting with a woman ever again.

It would've just been so simple if I had just gone with the plan in my notes.

Ironically I'm over here thinking about a girl that probably forgot about me 5 minutes after I walked away from her. It's so crazy how different men are from women. If I let it, I could go on and think about this situation for months and let it ruin my chances with other women. Not saying that I will it's just the reality of it. Women have it better when it comes to accepting or not accepting a mate. But we have it good too because we have a choice to approach and they don't they are all too scared to.

Anyway, I'm rambling at this point because I'm pissed. Oh and did I forget to mention that its 7 in the morning right now? Yeah this chick was on my mind so much that I woke up 3 hours earlier than I usually do on Sundays just so I can jot down my experience.....smh

So in the end, I really need to pay attention and think more critically when I approach my next chick. Because I cant keep going through this. And Summer is just around the corner smh

Updates I guess

Its 1 in the morning and I wanted to make an update since it's been a while since the last one.

Not much has changed since the last entry but I was to take this time to reflect on things...

Lately I've been pushing myself to get out of the house a lot more often. I mean the weather is damn near perfect almost everyday so I try to get out when I can. Because if this, I am approaching a lot more women. Unfortunately I haven't had any luck with a single one that I approached. Partly because I'm still new to it and partly because I still have a lot to learn. Because of this, I did what said I would do eventually when I had the money. And that's subscribe to Mr. Locarios membership. I mean, I haven been listening to his content off and on for about 7 years now so it was only right. 🤷🏽‍♂️

And there is soooo much content to take in! I counted 23 videos so far that I need to listen to. And each video is around 40 to 50 minutes long. So there is a lot of information here. And its needed. Big time. I've been struggling with getting women attracted to me over and over again and I'm finally beginning to learn some new things that I never knew were part of the game. So my plan is to take whatever content I need from the membership and cancel it before the second payment. This way, I will always have his premium game content to listen and study for as long as I can.

Because again, i definitely needed the help. I'm growing extremely tired and impatient with this even though i shouldn't be.

I keep seeing all of these super attractive women in person and online when I'm browsing Instagram locations. Its mind boggling just how many beautiful are in Atlanta let alone how many beautiful women are just outside my doorstep. It just bugs me down that everytime I shoot my shot I get turned down. Makes me wonder am I shooting too high? What is it about these other guys that they are getting with that they arent seeing in me? Man, I really wish I had a super attractive female friend who could help me out with this. I really want to know what women think when they see me.

I dont care if they think I'm ugly or attractive because that isn't what I'm looking for, I'm looking for the women who find me sexually arousing and irresistible. Those are the women I need to find insights on.

As I reflect on all the women of my past, they were all attractive in their own rights but deep down I have always settled. I have always settled for the women who find me crazy attractive but I've never been crazy attracted to any of them to be honest. And furthermore, they were all women I met online, which makes things even worse! Like my ex for instance, I still find myself checking her profiles out every now and then even though I shouldn't.

And I admit, even though it sucks, she is definitely a lot more attractive then she ever was when she was with me. The issue always stands that she just didnt value me enough when we were together. She just didnt care because she figured that I would always be there. And in actuality, I probably would've if she would've never cheated. But that's bot the point I'm trying to make....even though shes more attractive now than shes ever been before, shes still the same girl, nothings changed much.
And it's funny when I think about it, I spent 5 and half years of my life dealing with a woman who I should've known would turn out that way.

I began going to clubs by myself again. Last time I attempted this, it was freezing, I had dreads, and my teeth were insane. Needlees to say, I was uncomfortable and I felt out of place. Probably why that one girl who I briefly chatted with has ignored me and blocked me at every chance she could get. Whatever....

But now when I go alone, its not as bad because I'm the complete opposite of what I just stated in the previous paragraph. And I often go out with a mission. Unfortunately the mission are failures most of the time but at least I find a way to get out. Speaking of the club scene and even day game, I've noticed that most of the women look a million times better than my ex anyways. So all it takes is for me to get with one of them to make me completely forget about her. Because I'm not going to lie, i hate it when i think about her sometimes. It's not because of her, its just the thought of how much time I wasted and how eager I was to get back on track right before we broke up. Or just how eager and stupid I was to think it really took 3 years for her to attempt to lose 15 pounds.

I'm sook happy I dont have to deal with that guilt anymore. And that's for both parties. I shouldn't have to deal with guilt of pressuring someone to change when they don't want to. And I shouldn't have to deal with the guilt of constantly comparing her to other girls.

I set her free from all of that bullshit and I hope she meets someone that will make her happy and is happy for her just the way she is. I'm not and never will be. I feel like my fat girl goggles magically fell off when me her were in year 3 of our relationship. And that's when it all went downhill from there.

I say all of that to say this (because this is getting long)

For the first time in quite a while I fan definitely say i am content with the single life right now. Even though I'm not having much luck with the ladies, I am definitely learning more and more things about myself. And eventually I'll begin to see the results that I've been working so hard for. 💪🏽

Big city small world

Nothing major has happened at all since my last post. I haven't met anyone new yet. Although I've had many chances, they all blew up in my face. Every single one. Maybe I've just been rusty, I dont know what it is but I just cant seem to close the deal on any of them women I've approached recently or even talked to online. It's a crazy dry spell and it really sucks. I'm trying so hard not to masterbate but it's getting extremely difficult not to because I'm just simply not getting any love from women right now.

It sucks even more to know the kind of city I'm living in too. Each time I discover a new Instagram model who ventured off in the porn realm I've noticed that a lot of them live in Atlanta. And I mean a lot.

This means that there are tons of freaky ass women in this city. I've just been making some really stupid choices in women lately. That has to be what it is, because the way these women are giving it up these days something just has to be wrong.

One more thing before I go, I reached out to Bahiyyih. Because admittedly even though shes been ran through, I still really would like the opportunity to fuck. Not really sure if that's where her head is at but thats where I'm at with it. I suggested we smoke one day and she agreed but Unfortunately she doesn't live in ATL anymore. Smh but she said she does visit often so I told her to hit me up when she comes back in town. I'm not really thinking anything of it because of all of the circumstances surrounding the situation. But if the opportunity presents itself then I will take it. I remember trying to get at her in 11th grade and she played me like a fiddle. This would be payback if I can pull this off.

I just dont want it to be a situation like with Whitney. Smh anyway, I'm out.

Purpose pursuit

I'm in my bed right now. And its early. Like really early. I'm here because I was fully intending on napping but I cant really sleep anymore. For a few reasons at that.

And for the first time in quite a while, women couldn't be the furthest from my mind right now. Probably because I still haven't approached any and I'm not at all taking online dating seriously anymore so I'm just coasting.

This entry will be about my purpose. The pursuit of happiness through the arts. If I'm being honest here, I haven't been happy with the way things have been going. But I kept a smile on my face because I know things would eventually look up.

Well, things are finally getting back on track thankfully!

First things first, Instagram:

yeah Instagram has been treating me pretty poorly recently. I've been banned 2 times so far from what I know. And I've also gotten my accounts deleted twice.
Luckily things are back to normal now for the most part. My hashtags are working again including the Renisha&cjay hashtags and Magnorthecomic as well.

Kickstarter:

I am almost at my goal!!! I have a little over $400 left to raise! That's really only 4 more people I have to get to donate $100 or more. And I have 13 days to do it. Hopefully I can manage to do it without any issues.

Advertising:

I was finally able to get an advertisement on Tariq Nasheeds podcast last night. Unfortunately, not many people are checking out the Kickstarter from his ad. But I can't lie, hearing him speak Renisha&cjay Cjay's name out to the public like that was more rewarding than anything else at the moment. This is the starting part of a new era with my comics. Especially since I'm doing all if this on my own.

Because of this, I'm trying to remain as positive as I possibly can online. Especially on Facebook. Stark contrast from the last time I mentioned Facebook I know. 🤦🏾‍♂️ Because of the Kickstarter and a few of my artists friends on their backing me up, I have a ton if eyes on me at the moment. So I have to be on my best behavior when it comes to the art game. This means that no matter how bad things get, I cant go on Facebook rants any more. I mean, that's what this personal journal is for anyway. 🤷🏽‍♂️

Other than that I've been a recluse. Haven't really done much other than working on my art and trying to raise money for the Kickstarter.

I have just 13 days to go. And hopefully I can reach my goal before the 18th.

Go for broke

Its almost bed time but I figured I'd go ahead a make another entry for the day.

Nothing really eventful happened today. To be honest nothing eventful has happened at all this week. Well, when it comes to chicks that is....

I'm still trucking a long the best I know how while maintaining my sanity in the process. I haven't approached any women since Sunday because I simply haven't had the energy for it. And then when I do, I realize I'm broke and I barely have enough gas to last the next few days. Luckily I get paid tomorrow smh....

But yeah that's the main reason why I haven't ventured out. I'm dealing with some drama with my bank at the moment and my funds are completely frozen right now. And it really fucking sucks. I've been surviving off of the little bit of food I purchased before my accounts were frozen. Needless to say that I'm not happy but this will pass and things will get back to normal eventually.

I did do something that I told myself I wouldn't do but my curiosity got the best of me today. I went to Cumberland mall in my work clothes! 😱 originally I was going to drive around the building and then leave but I grew anxious and said fuck it and parked. I decided to go to gamestop to see if they had a used copy of DBZ Fighterz but I didn't see one unfortunately.

Also, as I'm walking past the food court to get to Gamestop I couldn't help but chuckle at the fact of what I mentioned in a previous journal entry.

As I walked out of Gamestop I was contemplating on leaving but ultimately I decided to walk around. I saw a total of 2 girls that I couldve possibly holla'd at and one of the 2 was actually eying me pretty hard. But the more I looked at her the less attracted I was. So I passed on that opportunity. I do find it interesting how I did catch a womans attention even though I wasnt looking my best.

I then came home and reflected on this and other things.....

Like my Kickstarter.

As I type this I am currently 493 dollars always from victory!
I have 14 days to raise that ammount. I believe I can do it!!

I am super excited to be getting this underway! Not only because this will be my first successful comic run but it will also give me the opportunity to get the fuck out of this apartment more often. Because I am definitely going to be selling these comics to whoever I think might be interested. It's time to make money off more than just commissions and Patreon. I have a comic with characters that a large variety of people can relate to.

So it's time to get this paper.

Be prepared.....ALWAYS

Man......so this is going to be a long post kinda.....

It is 7:15 PM alot earlier than what I'm used to posting but I have a few thoughts circulating around mind at the moment....

First things first, this past Sunday was an eye opening experience. And I fumbled, HARD.

Brandon came over and we did what we usually do. Smoke and listen to music. Then he go the bright idea of going to a publix down the street to get some change for more weed. I didnt think nothing of it as I just threw on whatever and headed out of the door. (Big mistake)

Soon as we pulled in I seen 2 decent looking women walk in the store. I immediately braced myself for any instances that I may succeed. We parked and got out. Immediately after a girl walked passed us and looked at me dead in my face so I said hello. She said it back and smiled and kept walking.

I figured I wouldn't see anymore women around until we just made it to the front entrance and out walks this pretty chick wearing leggings.(I don't remember much else.) She also looked right into my eyes so I said hello to her also.
She smiled and said it back and we kept walking....until I turned around and looked at her ass. And then I felt this feeling.....the feeling I feel almost everytime I get around a really pretty women. It's this urge that I cant really explain but it's there. And each time I get around a pretty girl I almost always attack. It's like my feet have a mind of their own when this happens.

So I turned around and approached her.
Things were ok until I completely fumbled and ruined my chance. I asked her a stupid question. Then I stuttered. Then I suggested that we should hook up. She immediately told me that she has a boyfriend. I walked away in shame for a few seconds.

The lesson I can take from all of this is to ALWAYS BE PREPARED! You see, I definitely was not in the mood nor the mindset to approach women that day but I did so anyway. I am happy that I did because I would've regretted it if I didnt but I still cant help feeling stupid for screwing up yet another approach smh.

I simply just have to remain prepared at all times. Each time I step out of my place I need to look at it as an opportunity to meet someone new. This way i wont feel flustered when it's my time to shine. Also, i have to stop watching so much porn. But that's a whole other story.....

Speaking of porn, theres this site that hosts a lot of videos and theres a user who uploads his own videos to the site. He goes around secretly recording girls asses and most of them look really great.
I began to wonder why no one ever records any chicks out here in Atlanta, that is until I watched a video with a girl with fat ass and she was standing in front of a restaurant that looked a little too familiar. So I looked closer....🤔

Come to find out that this guy is doing all of this shit right at the mall I frequent a lot! 😱 This is also where Brandon works! Right down the street from my place.

So my eyes are wide open right now. Because the amount of women that guy encounters is insane and knowing that they are all practically 10 minutes away from my place is kinda crazy and mind blowing honestly. I mean, I definitely have heard Brandon talk about the women that go there plenty of times. And even I had a few run ins with some pretty girls back in the day.

But if I'm being honest, I have been avoiding that mall for quite a while now. I honestly don't have a reason for it either. Especially when I used to go to this mall and approach women all the time. But now I just find myself being so awkward when I go there.

Ironically, this is the only mall that makes me feel this way. And its stupid. And I'm getting rid of these thoughts asap.

Just the thought of all of these women going to this mall wearing the most revealing things hoping for a guy like me to walk up to them kinda excites me.
I just gotta stop being a wuss and go up there more. Just thinking of the possibilities is driving me insane. Like there are actually women that wont mind going home with a guy the minute they meet if he makes her feel something.

And that's my objective at this point: To figure out exactly what makes these chicks tick so I can get them over to my place.....

Only time will tell.

Spring has begun. My thoughts part 2

Writing a part 2 at 12 in the morning because if I'm being honest, I really need some feminine energy around me right now.

It's very interesting how the last woman I've dealt with was Angel. And that was quite a while ago. This is because I am no longer taking online dating sites seriously. Hell I actually uninstalled tinder from my phone because I grew tired of logging on and not getting any matches. And then when I get lucky and finally get a few matches they are either fat and ugly or they dont live close to me at all. So I uninstalled that app and I doubt I'll download it again. If I feel the need to check it then I'll check it on my computer when I have free time. I also joined Okcupid again for a back up. I'm not keeping my hopes up but I do recall having quite a bit of luck dealing with women on there in the past. Simply because women from that site are a little more serious about meeting up and building connections with people. Tinder is literally just for women to get on there and waste your time if you let them.

And I choose not too soo yeah.....

And this isn't to say that I wont still be approaching chicks on the streets. I still will and in fact I aim to do that more often now because time and time again I find myself using online dating as a crutch. Not realizing that it is 10 times harder to get things going even thought it may not seem like it. Its incredibly difficult to get a women's attention on there simply because of the competition:
There are sooooo many guys that are afraid to approach women so they hide behind their phones and their keyboards to interact with women. I feel like its majority of dudes that are this way.
So basically I'm just selling myself short because I'm just one of many dudes trying to get at a certain female on the site.

Why do that when you can just approach the woman you want when you see her in real life? Chances are there wont be any guys desperately trying to approach her because most are too scared to do so. And this is where I come in.....

I've learned somethings about myself these past few weeks. And I'm slowly but surely becoming less afraid of speaking up to women I find attractive. Even if its just to say something funny to make them smile. Usually I speak up. And the women I really want, I usually approach them immediately. Something comes over me when I do it. It's a strange urge to go after what I want. My feet almost have minds of their own when I see a woman I want to approach.

But what I'm learning is that I fumble quite a lot. I slur my words. I probably dont smile enough.( more on that in a moment) and I definitely forget my objectives in the middle of me talking to them. All of this needs to be fixed because this is resulting in a dry ass phone every Friday and Saturday night. And I'm sick of it.

The last woman I approached was 2 days ago at the post office. I was ironically dropping off my old phone. When I saw this Hispanic girl with the fattest ass I've seen in person in a while. I immediately knew I was going to approach her but the minute I did all of my thoughts dissapeared.

I'm guessing because admittedly, I'm still trying to get over the fact that approaching women isn't as scary as I always thought. Usually I tell the woman I'm approaching that they looks good as hell or sexy as fuck and they usually have positive reactions to this. And this is what messes me up. I get so hyped off of their reactions that I forget why I even approached them in the first place.

This causes for awkwardness because the girl knows what I want. Shes just waiting to see if I'm man enough to tell her what I want. And I fumble everytime. Smh I gave her my number but like I expected she never did hit me up. Which is another thing I have to stop doing. If I can't hang out with the girl the same day I approach then I need to get her information instead of always giving mine out. This also goes back to reading social cues as well. There were definitely a few chicks I've approached in the past who were in no way interested in me but I ignored her signs and still pretended like everything was cool. Bad idea zay smh

So that's it. I'm done with it. The next woman I approach I am going all in. Fuck all of this small talk. I'm letting them know that I think they look great and I'm trying to hook up, fuck, see then naked, see what color panties their wearing and all of that.

I'm too old to be struggling like this with women I'm not getting any younger.

Spring is here.

It is time!

Also before I go, I am just 6 trays away from being finished with my invisalign treatment. It's crazy how time flies man. I remember when I first began this journey.

What's even crazier is how different I look now. Unfortunately I haven't had the luxury of having friends or female friends tell me that I do. Simply because there is a severe shortage on both parties.

Also, because I'm not necessarily fond of taking selfies anymore, no one really knows what I look like unless they look at a picture from like 7 months ago. But what's important is I know how much change has gone on. Theres a video I recorded of myself advertising my Patreon a few years ago and its unbelievable how different I looked back then compared to now. Straight teeth really makes a difference like WOW!!

And my teeth arent even all the way straight yet but this is very interesting stuff. And I definitely feel much confidence rise each day. Which is why I'm not afraid to approach women like that anymore. I just gotta remember to smile more. Smh

Spring has begun. My thoughts part 1

It's been a while since I've wrote one of these because the last time my phone was acting up and it didnt save the entry so I'm trying this again a different way.

Anyways, a lot has changed since the last time I wrote an entry. I am writing this on a new phone. This is the second time I've done this and there wont be a 3rd. This is the newest phone in the Samsung line up and I really wanted it because my old phone was slow and the battery sucked balls. But I'm remembering that I probably said the same thing about the phone that replaced it. Smh but unless some crazy phone technology comes out in the next 4 years, I highly doubt I'll purchase a new phone anytime soon. I am very happy with this upgrade as I skipped 3 phone generations to get it.

Anyways enough about that. Instagram banned my accounts again. Luckily its wasn't an actual ban but a shadow one. It still sucks either way though. So I'm now im stuck using my Zayartschicas instagram account until next week. And chances are the ban probably still won't lift. Regardless I may go back to posting anyways. In the mean time I'll just stack up on drawings for Zayartschicas and much more.

As far as women are concerned, things are non existent. The last girl I had sex with was Angel and that was weeks before the last time I spoke with her on the phone. So yeah I'm going through a massive dry spell but in a way it may be needed. I feel like I've been coddling myself too much with Tinder and Online dating. So I have been making an effort to go out and approach women more. Unfortunately I've fumbled many, many times but I'm learning each time I go for it. And the weather is finally changing to match what I said I was going to do months ago. Things are heating up and rightfully so.

One thing I know I must do is to become more direct with what I want. I mentioned the Mode One mindset last year and I never really brought it up again because after all, I just assumed that it wasnt for me. And the reality is, it still may not be right for me but what I want to do is take certain aspects of it and apply it to my game. Instead of telling a woman that I want to hang out with her or link up with her I need to tell her that I want to hook up with her or something of that nature.

Another thing I noticed that is probably causing me to fumble is the masterbation part. 🤦🏾‍♂️ yeah I've broken my seal way too many times and honestly I still have mixed feelings about it. On one end I definitely feel the after effects of it and what it does to your mind after a while, but on the other end it's going to come out either way and I'd rather not wake up to a mess in the morning. That has happened during my attempts at no fap and its not fun.

I had a dream I was fucking this pretty ass chick. And she was looking so good that I nutted all inside her. But I was dreaming so you know how that ended up.....smh

All that being said, I know what I have to do, when I have to do it, and what I'll say when I do it.

I just gotta keep it in my head long enough so that it comes natural.

Early spring

Sheesh....well today the weather has finally shown its cards. I guarantee the true start of spring next weekend.

And that means, a whole lot of activity from me. I really need to get back in the gym and I've been putting it off for months. But now that I don't have any immediate responsibilities I need to do what I need to do.

Also, my tinder subscription finally ran out. This means very little to no matches. And the matches I do get, are barely worth my time. So I'm just playing around with the conversation until I actually get a woman to come out like I was able to do a lot more last year. 😑

I'm complaining but at the same time I know that this will be good for me. I've had a few eye opening experiences these past few weeks and I'm certain that something have to change or improve.  My brother is finally opening his eyes to his girlfriends bullshit and he's begun to hang out with Brandon and I more often. But what I notice is that they both will not approach a single woman while we're out. And with me, I'm  simply just getting used to doing it again after taking so much time off. And because of this I am still hesitating a lot.  And I'm not approaching as many girls as I should be. But at least I attempt. Which is still good because it helps me understand certain things  Locario said it best. Expect rejection accept affection. 

Meaning that most of the girls who I approach won't like me. But there are ones that will. And it's my mission to find the ones that will. It's still taking me some time to take control of my ego and understand this point but in due time I will fully.

I just need to venture out more and explore this city. There's women all over the place and I won't get the chance to meet great ones until I step out and make myself noticeable.

In due time I suppose......

Well. I'm going to bed.

Wow. Tinder Gold is bullshit

Its Tuesday 10:19 pm and I've been stuck in this  rut for the past 2 days. It all started yesterday when I began noticing the patterns on tinder that I mentioned yesterday.  And I've been dealing with it ever since. I'm sure the absence of weed has something to do with it but I'm not buying any until I get another commission and I'm sticking to that. So I have a sober mind and my thoughts aren't making things better. At all.

Also my art success has been dwindling and its killing me.

Unfortunately I have no idea when another commission will come my way because it seems like this month in particular was just as bad as this past December and January combined. All in all I only managed to get 2 commissions this month and they were both half detailed. Meaning they weren't full price.  So needless to say I've been unbelievably broke for a while now.  And its bugging the shit out of me. I'm just praying that the Renisha&cjay kickstarter goes well because I don't know what I'll do if it doesn't.

One more thing before I go to bed....

I finally did it. The one thing that I told myself I wouldn't do because it wasn't worth it to me. But my curiosity got the best of me today. I purchased the highest tinder membership you could get just so I could see the hidden matches tinder hid from me. Well.....

The results were exactly like I expected. I had 65 matches that were hidden from me. And out of all 65, only 4 of them were in shape and attractive.   The rest were all  fat and ugly. And get this, the attractive girls all live in completely different states. So I waited about 15 minutes before I said fuck this, and canceled my membership all together.   I lowkey cannot believe that shit. There are soooooo many chicks using that platform but somehow I managed to match with all of the fat ones? How the fuck is that even possible?
Theres tons of single attractive women on tinder but I just seem to be this fat girl magnet on there. Soo...

Nah I'm done with Tinder now. After the 10th of next month this app will be a distant memory for me. I'm done with it for good.

It's time to stop being a chump and talk to girls in person. This online shit is for the birds.

Really ugly fat birds at that. And I'm tired of it.

New plans

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Ok

Alright, so I've been noticing a pattern on Tinder lately. And Unfortunately it's making me really question why I'm even dealing with this app anymore.  It's very clear what the "powers that be" want me to surround myself with. And honestly, I took the bait for quite some time. But now I feel like my eyes have been closed to this bullshit for way too long and it's now to finally speak some truth:

Tinder's algorithms are rigged for me to only have real connections with fat women. Which couldn't be further from the type of woman I'm attracted to and that I'm trying to deal with.

I've noticed this by conducting an experiment to see my results. The experiment was to see how different my results would be if I were to swipe on everyone (like I've been doing) vs. Swiping on everyone except fat women.  And my results were very interesting.

While swiping on everyone, I was getting tons of matches but the quality of the matches were pretty terrible. 1 out of every 6 or 7 matches was an attractive woman. Some were fake or ugly women and the rest were all fat women. The ugly women never messaged me first nor did I ever message them, I just kept them around until I couldn't stand it anymore and deleted them. The pretty women, well you already know, none of them responded back to my messages and the ones that did would say one thing and then ghost shortly after.

The fat women on the other hand, were messaging me first damn near everytime.  Each all very curious about my account. I laid some curiosity traps on my account and they undoubtedly work on women, this is clear. They are just working on the WRONG women for me!

So I decided that enough was enough. I'm not super selective with my swiping but I am absolutely refusing to swipe on a single fat or chubby chick.  And my results are very interesting. Not only are the amounts of matches I get on a daily basis completely slowed down, but the matches I do get are some of the most annoying women on the planet. They are super uncooperative, competetive, power hungry, and flaky.

So my issue is clear. And it can mean 1 of 2 things.

Either Tinder is filled with mostly fat women who can't get a date other wise and/or  filled with women who simply want attention.

Or Tinder's algorithms is playing with me and they are refusing to show my account to normal looking chicks and only to fat women.

Whatever the case may be, I am very unhappy with this and I'm highly considering leaving this app alone for good soon. I'm sitting here literally paying 10 dollars a month just to get my self esteem ripped away from me slowly. I can't deal with this shit too much longer. Which is why I'm actually really looking forward to spring and summer. It's really time for me to ace my cold approach with women.

Also, before I end this post....

I went and cut off all of the chicks who I was dealing with previously except for Angel. And this is simply because I know she fucks with me the long way. It's crazy but I've been knowing this woman for 20+  years now. So if she good, then we good.

But these other chicks, yeah it's a wrap.

Diamond, Michaela and who ever else was out there I'm super done with all of em just as I'm sure they are super done with me. But it's all good, fuck em though.

Damn

Gonna make this quick because it's kinda late but I just want to take time and reflect on how things have been the past few weeks.....

I am now completely back to square one. It may not seem like it to all the women I was talking to but it will eventually.  I'm completely starting off with a clean slate, with the exception of Angel. But that's another story smh.

But yeah its about that time anyway, the weather is about to change and it's going to be time for me to go full force into being outside again. So yeah, no more long days of being in the house with nothing to do. I'm definitely about to be more active soon. And with that, comes way more opportunities for me to approach more women. Besides all of the girls I was dealing with fell off. Some of them were purposely my fault and others were the other party entirely.

What ever the case, I know that I'm starting off with a clean slate. I deleted all the text messages and names. So if they text me and get a "who is this?" Response from me , I'm not even going to feel so bad.

Anyway, that is it for now. More at a later time.

Open book

I woke up to a text from one of my friends telling me that they are disappointed in my ex. And at that point is when I realized I no longer loved my ex. The thing is I've been knew about her recent photos on Instagram and at first it bothered me but then I got to thinking about it, it's really none of my concern at this point.

It's just super weird seeing her post photos in that way, especially with all of her brothers having access to it. Smh so at this point I could care less. I lowkey just want to rid her from my life and I will eventually. It's just that mother nature is trying to prevent the inevitable at this point and time. They said it would snow this morning but it's just raining and they had the whole city panicked for no reason. So I'm not working today and I'm sure no one is going to be in the main office so I'm going to have to wait.

Anyways I just had another mind opening experience that really shows that I dint need to be worrying about my ex nor do I need to be worrying about any other chick who isn't cooperating with me. Because the truth is there are soooo many women out there. Hell just in Atlanta alone it's crazy! Again I've been hibernating so I haven't really been out in public like that. But they are out there and what I just seen proved it.

So there's this girl that I follow on one of my Instagram accounts and I think shes super sexy! So sexy that she would be the type that I'd approach if i seen her on person. And kept thinking to myself that I wished she lived out here. She looks so good that she lowkey looks like she'd live out here. I just always assumed that she didnt.

Well to make a long story short, she posted a few photos recently and she was at a mall that in my opinion, is notorious for having the prettiest girls. The minute I seen her posts I put my phone down and stared into space for a good 49 seconds. That really blew my mind on the low.

Just goes to show that I really dont need to be worrying about my ex period. And I really shouldn't be checking on her either.  All of this pussy walking around here from top notch women. I just gotta get out a this hibernation shit. I swear as soon as this weather changes its over with. 👌🏽

Dazed

Things have settled a bit and getting back to normal for me. I'm really considering seriously working out again. After around a food 3 to 4 month hiatus I think it's going to be time really soon. Besides I need something to take my energy and attention away from drawing all the time. Like i love drawing don't get me wrong but i don't want it to start seeming like a chore.

I remember back when I was going to the gym and still working on my art at the same time last year. I think it's time to start that again.

Besides i finally have my comic proofs for Renisha &Cjay came in the mail recently. so i really need to focus a lot of my energy elsewhere anyway..

Now onto girl news......

I'm battling....well not really battling but I am definitely certain that my thoughts about the actions I will be taking the spring/summer are validated. I mean because granted, I really do love the results I've been getting on Tinder but we all know that the hottest and most on point women will not be online. I have to meet them in person. Which is why even the pretty girls I meet online can't even compare to all the girls I see when I'm out in public.  So it's very  clear in what I need to do in order to get the results I want. Which is why I can't wait till Spring!!

Also.....Diamond finally contacted me again. Funny, I thought she vanished.  Luckily I have managed to grow up a bit and I've been able to become more patient with women. Because I know how they are. They are literally like cats. And because of this Diamond reappeared like she never left. And I fucked the shit out of her when she came over. I made it a point to let her know to never disappear on me again. And she obliged.  We did all of this while we were fucking and I can't lie it was so freaking sexy the way she was talking to me. Damn I really dig this woman. Shes so sexy to me!

Anyways, I recorded her 2 more times while we had sex. And I kinda let her know that I have a collection. Simply because I want her to know that she isn't the only girl I'm dealing with and although I really dig her, I can definitely take it or leave it when it comes to her. (And to be honest, I really need to be like that with every girl that I speak with.)

Funny enough, she's started chasing me again. Which is crazy because I was the one initiating contact when we were messing around before. But this time it feels a little different.

Other than that, I'm supposed go meet a new woman tomorrow. I can't lie, the chances of that happening is pretty slim but ill still contact her and see if she's still down. If not then I know I'll always have Mary Jane to keep me company.

Anyway....I'm out

What the hell man?

I haven't  made a post in a while, simply because I felt like my life was going well and I didn't really feel a need to take sometime to write down my thoughts. But today kind of hit a breaking point for me.

Let's start things off with my art first.

Things are going good again. I think I'm finally out of my winter slump and there are at least 2 to 3 people inquiring about work every few days which is good.

I'm also pushing Ms. Makeshift a lot more now since I'm finished with Renisha & Cjay. And if course people are loving her! I'll have to focus on Cjay and Star Hex next.

Unfortunately this weekend has not at all gone how I planned though.  I've literally been waiting all week for my package of Renisha&cjay comic proofs to come in the mail. So I can finally start working on the Kickstarter but for some strange reason I'm at a stand still. I was expecting the comics Friday afternoon.  It is now late Saturday evening and I still don't have them. Its severely prolonging everything as I really wanted to amp my Instagram following with the news when I got them in the mail but I'm still waiting. Smh I really freaking hope they come in tomorrow. I am really looking forward to seeing how they look.

So now with the women in my life.....

It's a wreck. It's always been a wreck and I find myself having everything I want but nothing that I want at the same time. And I'm beginning to think it's because I simply have not been applying myself in public. This is because I don't go outside. 1.  Because it's cold and 2. Because I hate being cold.  So I chose to stay inside for most of the winter and work on my comics which is what I've been doing. Sorta...

So there are a few chicks in my life. Well not really....

And this is my problem. I've now come to a point where none of them actually like me or take me seriously. Which I'm fine with, it's just that certain things have really been ticking me off lately.  

So.....Diamond is no longer speaking to me. And I honestly thought it was something I did but in reality after having a talk with Brandon it has nothing to do with me. And one day, when she's ready, she'll reach out. But then again maybe not. I will say this though, she definitely still checks out my posts on Instagram.  So we'll  see.

Angel.... such an interesting soul she has. She's always been a good friend I just wish she was more responsible with her life choices. When we hang out we definitely have fun. And it's always understood what we both want. We went to a sex shop last time we hung out. It was interesting lol.

Corean.....no I am no longer calling her that.  Shes become exactly what I thought she would. And what I already prophesied a while back. She's back to taking ultra sexy photos. And she looks like she she may be losing weight. But none of that is my concern. I never thought I'd say this but I literally feel nothing for her now. Like even if she were in front of me and began crying I wouldn't care honestly. I think I'm just completely done with this situation and the minute she signs these roommate release forms she'll be out of my life for good. 

There's a girl that I was infatuated with. Emphasis on the was. Her name is Brenda. And I can't front, I was really digging her when we first met. She came over to my place and we hit it off pretty good.  She seemed like she really wanted to fuck so I proceeded but for some reason I didn't go all the way so we didnt have sex that first time. Well she came over again, and to make a long story short, that had to be the 4th most weirdest sex experience in my life.  See she came over and I can tell she had a cold. So I gave her some medicine.  Worst decision ever.

Because this medicine makes you sleepy. And we were already smoking and drinking. So she begins to says shes sleepy I tell her that she isn't going to sleep. She says ok and lays on me. I start playing with her and she's not stopping me so I keep going. Next thing you know shes bent over and I'm going in. I tell her to meet me in my room because I figured that little session woke her up from whatever she was feeling. She was woke and she played on my bed and got in doggy style position. I slide in and start going to work again. Then she moves off of me and tells me she wants to go sleep. I let her sleep expecting she'd wake up and be ready to go back to having sex. it no she woke up and got up like she didn't know where she was. I immediately felt awkward but I didn't show it. I acted as calm as I could even though I was pissed inside. She gets up, puts on her clothes and jets out the door without giving me a hug or anything. I'm really confused at this point. I'm like what the hell happened?

I had a date in place with a much more attractive woman around that time. But because "I didn't call to reconfirm" 😒 it didnt go through. I wasnt tripping because I was with Brenda and I thought my night would run smoothly without thinking about her anyway. Who would've known that I would be ending my night texting that woman. Actually surprised she responded. Because I know how women are these days nothing will probably come out of it. But whatever....I'm just more pissed at the fact at how I'm being treated by Brenda. Like I'm being treated as less than. Which is pretty interesting considering the fact that she's the one driving her happy ass all the way from Stone Mountain to Marietta to come see me. 🤷🏾‍♂️ Either way I'm not reaching out anymore and I wouldn't be surprised if she no longer reaches out either. I already have her muted on my IG so there will be no interaction from me whatsoever. So the only way is if she reaches out. She also smokes cigarettes. And I'm super not digging that.

I will say something though.....her body was perfect. Something that I can honestly say I've been wanting but couldn't obtain for the weirdest reason. Each girl I've been with have not had the most perfect body's other than Angel. And Brenda's body beats Angel's body hands down. And while this woman was laying on my chest I kept thinking damn if only Corean wasn't such a fucking dumb ass and followed me the way she should have then she would've been laying there with me. I could go on and on about her but Brenda was exactly where I wanted Corean to be. And that's where she should've wanted for herself too.  It just sucks that the harsh reality will always be what it is.

Adja......yeah that bitch is done. Fried to crisp. She actually did come but she really wanted time. And would've wanted more if I let her. She didnt realize I would smarten up from the last time I saw her. She realized i wasn't taking any shit from her and she had no way if taking advantage of me. She got upset and didn't want to see it talk to me anymore. She was here for 4 days and I only seen her once. To make matters worse, ironically her hotel was 10 minutes away from my place. So after that I went ahead and blocked her. She no longer has a way to get in contact with me. And go be honest, she shouldn't want to. Her actions were clear.

Michaela.....I've been keeping my distance because I can't lie, she's not what I want. And even though its fun having sex with her. She's the only girl I get mad at when we use all of my condoms. And it definitely shouldn't be that way.

Everyone else has just been irrelevant...

Well that's all for now I guess..🤷🏾‍♂️