I should be sleep

Yeah I really should be sleep right now but I realized I haven't made a new post in a while....

So yeah today has been nothing short of tedious.  Apparantly my commission drought decided to start early this year. So basically I went through the entire month of October with no art sales. Yeah....this is some bullshit.  Not only that but engagement on Instagram is continuing to decline. Simply because of the many ghost and fake followers on my account.

Luckily,  even though I was not able to get anything else done today, at least I was able to get a big chunk of those fake followers away from my account.  I still have a lot of work to do but things are looking up a little bit.

Other than that news, things have been going cool for the most part. I slipped up a few times with checking my ex's social media. I even checked it today. But what's interesting is that she hasn't really been posting lately. Not sure if it's because of "life" or some loser caught her attention. Either way, it's really none of my concern. I never thought I'd be trying to use other woman to get my mind off of her but that's exactly how it is now. A thing I've noticed about her is that shes never really been able to keep her mind on one thing and focus all of her attention on it. Which is why she went from singer, to model, to artist, to photographer, to make up artist all in the 5 year time span that we were dealing with each other. Kinda puts a whole new perspective on her mindstate when it came to me and her. Makes me wonder if she was EVER focused? Smh oh well I guess.

Diamond and Tamyra have consistently contacted me to hang out in the past few weeks. Which is great. I am going to be honest, I really really like Diamond. And I wish I could've met her before she had her children. Tamyra is cool too but I know I dont like her as much as I like Diamond. Its interesting how they are like polar opposites from each other.  Lol

I still have yet to get a 3rd girl on my roster though I am trying pretty hard to make that happen.

And even though I don't have another one right now I am still grateful for the 2 woman that I have in my phone right now. And I'm even more grateful that my ex showed me her true self because I probably would've never have met Diamond or Tamyra.  And to be honest, I KNOW that whomever I decide to get in a relationship with in the future will be a FAR better candidate than my ex will ever be!

Well I'm out.

New

So today......

Today I can honestly say was the start of a new me. I mean granted,  I did cut my hair like 2 weeks ago and that made me feel different but today i felt really different. I've been having my luck with the ladies recently. Unfortunately it hasn't been by approaching them in person and for some strange reason I am upset about that. Like I would love to build these types of connections with the women I approach in person but it hardly ever turns out that way

Anyways, I hung out with a new girl today. Not sure if I mentioned her previously so I will reveal now that she has 2 kids. And it bugs me to no end because she's really attractive to me. On the Patrice Oneal scale she is a smooth 17 in the looks department. Should really could be a 20 if she didn't have kids and if she gained like 10 pounds. I'm super attracted to her though. We get along and she complies with everything I ask her to do. And I love that shit. There's no back talk, she just smiles, maybe giggles a little bit but she does it.

We fucked of course and I did a little digging in my history while I was trying to go to sleep yesterday night. I was trying to figure out what my number was. And its official She is officially the 65th woman that I have slept with. And boy was is great sex. I came too fast. But i played it off like i didn't. I think she could tell too. But she still went along with it. What's funny is that she had the same reaction that Tamyra had the first time we had sex. Meaning I must be either doing something really wrong or really right to them while fucking.  I'm leaning towards the really right part though.   I really like this Diamond girl though. She's really cool to be around and she has like the prettiest smile. Her smile is so natural yet so eloquent. It's something that I really don't get to see often. 

Its funny how things go though. Back when I first cut my ex off I would still think about her alot even when dealing with the  girls I was dealing with.  I kept wishing that things would just go back to the way they were.

But the second time around is much different. I have a new perspective on life and how things should operate. So once I found out she lied to me for the 3rd time and what she actually lied about there was no way I could forgive that.  And I am proud to say that I haven't looked at her page in 3 days. And I intend to keep it that way.  As long as the new women in my life keep me entertained then fuck my ex!

She never really cared for me anyway. But that's a whole other story for another time.

Well until next time....

Damn part 4 final

Well....its been a few days. And things are simply just beginning to surface for me. I am becoming more and more confident as time passes.

I just recently finished with my second date since I stopped fucking with my ex. And for the second time, things went smoothly.  The girl in question is pretty as hell and physically I would say she is my type.  The only down side is that she has kids. 2 to be exact. So me being in a relationship with this woman isn't possible. But I definitely would love to have a sexual relationship with her. I am very attracted to her and she seems like shes attracted to me also. Just like my date with Tamyra I managed to maintain my center and refrain from seeming too eager.  And I can tell she definitely respected me for that.  As the date came to a close,  I walked her to her car and we hugged. I wanted to kiss her so bad so I gave her another hug and we kissed. I think she wanted it too because she definitely didn't try to stray away from my advances .

  The same way I treat her will be the same I way I treat Tamyra.  Me and her had sex the second time we hung out. So this situation will be nothing new. I'm just glad to finally have fun again in the dating arena. I've been dealing with a lot of very bad dates in the past year so for me to finally get what I've been wanting, it feels really great. Speaking of Tamrya, me and her are supposed to be hanging out on Wednesday.  And you already know I'm trying to fuck again. Even though she's kind of a big girl her pussy had me really weak at moments. So I'm definitely going to have to practice to prevent early ejaculation before she comes over.

So onto my ex......

I admit I began checking after her page once I finally called it quits. And she is literally going about her business as if nothing ever happened. Or as if I wasn't even a part of her life in the past 5 years. Which in a way, is pretty fucked up when I think about all of the shit she would tell me when we first began talking again. But I know now that it was all a facade.  None of it was real. None of it. And what's crazy is that she is going through this insecure phase of having sex with any guy that offers dick to her but she is also trying to seriously date these guys. But unfortunately for her sake, there probably aren't many guys that are willing to be in relationships with her. They probably just want to have sex and that's it. And she was going through it according to some of the posts she was posting on her page about a week ago. Which further proves shes going about all of this the wrong way. Maybe one day she'll look back onto all of this and realize I had genuine love for her. Maybe one day she won't,  but whatever I know what's real and she does too.

I say all of that to say this, I am  no longer following any of her social media. I have her blocked on all of my accounts simply to stop myself from checking her stuff out. Or even to stop myself from trying to reach out. It is time for me to forget the past.  Let go of it. What's done is done and nothing will ever be able to fix what she broke. So it's time to move forward and erase most of the memories that we once shared with each other. 

5 years gone. But in the end, what's the point of reminiscing when the outcome of it all was an all around negative one?

It's time to move on.

And that I shall.

Damn part 3

I guess I'll empty my mind once more before I go to bed.

I have been in a constant battle within my head these past few days. The battle in question is whether or not I may have over reacted when I confronted my ex.

I think its because I'm lonely at the moment. But I have to realize that no matter how lonely I get, I cant let that factor in my feelings about my ex. She lied to me, and what makes matters worse is that she had no real reason to lie.  The respect that she had for me is long gone. Because if she still respected me then she would've just kept it real. Also there was no aftermath. No real apology.  No authenticity from her end at all. In a sense, it's as if I were just another guy to her. Which is all the way fucked up.

It's crazy how you can spend 6 years (yeah I'm including this year as well) knowing and being with  someone and then act like you don't even care about them at all one day. She's literally going about her life like I never impacted it. And that's what pisses me off the most. How the fuck is that even possible? The mindset of indifference is crazy. I'm not even sure when she stopped caring but I wish I could go back and snap myself out of her spell. Because it sucks that it took a whole new year for me to wake up smh

So now I'm stuck trying my damnedest to get her out of my mind. And its working...kinda. 

I'm still struggling with finding replacements. Tamyra is either still in Vegas or she's back in town and probably waiting on me to call her. But I'm not. I'll wait for her to call or text me. And in the mean time I'm looking for more prospects. I've even managed to approach a few women in the past few days. Granted they all rejected me.

But as proud as I am for that, I know that it will never be enough.  I have to approach a whole lot more women in order for me to get anywhere in this game. I just don't understand how some guys find the time to talk to so many chicks. I kinda don't have the luxury so I'm doing what I can. Progress has been very little though. 

Speaking of progress. I must say that my progress into becoming a much calmer and more aware being has fallen quite short over the past few months. That in itself is probably what lead me to make such brash decisions recently. Simply because I haven't been really meditating as I should. Just a few months ago I was meditating every single day. Now I honestly cannot remember the last time I did. This is something I'm going to change by tomorrow.  It's time to get back into the correct way especially after dealing with what I was dealing with a few weeks ago.

Until then...

Damn part 2

So for the most part I'm still grieving as if I lost a family member. I find myself checking up on her but it's really no point on doing so. And I regret it each time I do it. The woman I once knew is long gone and as much as I want things to be different I can't help but think the inevitable is going to happen. And to be honest I don't really want any parts of it.

So I'm going to try my hardest to refrain from checking up on her. What's done is done and I simply just need to get over her and the situation. 

I'm more concerned for my health at the moment as this UTI has not gone away and it's really beginning to piss me off. I just want things to go back to normal!!

Speaking of normal, I finally began understanding why I had so many unsuccessful dates in the past. And it was all because the women in question weren't vetted and shown that I didnt need them.

Funny how I understand all of this now and I can't get a decent match on tinder to save my life right now. And I haven't been out in public that much this week because of my health issue so I've just been stuck swiping. And no luck at all. Smh

Me and the girl I met from Tinder Tamyra a few weeks ago are on hold for now. She went out of town to Las Vegas.  That's a place I hope to visit one day. Hopefully sometime next year or something.  Well there's a small update on my mind right now. My judgment is becoming a lot less cloudy when it comes to my ex. So i doubt I'll make a part 3 of this. If I do, it'll probably because I'm in my feelings about her. But like I said, I doubt it....

Damn

Well, I've been putting this journal post off for a while now. I think its finally time to speak my mind before I go to bed.

It has been a very eventful week to say the least.  It all started directly after having sex with my ex for the last time....(yeah more on that in a minute..) I felt a weird feeling inside my dick like an itch inside of it. I immediately thought I had an std or something. I still went along with the sex. But there was something about my ex that I simply wasnt feeling that day. It's like her energy was off or something.  And I kinda immediately regretted going over that day.

What's interesting is I cant help but wonder how things would be if I didnt go over there that day.

Each day after that i began having abnormal symptoms with the likeness of an STD so after going through the usual drama of getting things done I was finally able to get tested and get antibiotics. Because the doctor who checked me isn't a real doctor they didn't check my privates. She just prescribed me some shit and went on with her day.  I immediately became upset and enraged because I've only been having unprotected sex with my ex. And while I  was sitting on the doctors table I kept thinking that I would have to confront her about this. Because I know I'm specifically asked her if she was fucking anyone else raw she looked me dead in the eye and told me no.

But I knew that no matter what answer she gave me that I would have to break it off. And to be honest breaking it off with her might be the extra step that I needed.

But there was still this voice in my head telling me to just ignore all of this and wait until test results came back.Funny thing is, if I would've done so, then me and my ex would probably still be friends/fuck buddies.

But every single thing happens for a reason. So I went with option A.......

I texted her and told her that I needed to ask her something. A lot was going through my mind at the time. Alot of drama with the comic company and now this. Smh she agreed to meet. She opened her gate she got in my car  and I drove in. She tried to hold a little small talk but I'm sure she could see I was reallu upset about something.

And here comes the moment of truth. I found out a few things that I tried to avoid thinking about because I didn't want those thoughts to clout my mind and judgement of my her. And boy did they.

So the first question:

1. How many guys have you been with since we've broke up?

Her answer: I kinda lost count

When she said that shit, at the time it didn't mess with mind at all. But after I left from that area that sentence and the way she said it kept playing over and over in my head. Not to mention how many guys she's really actually been with.  And how freaky she may have been with those guys.  Something that I wouldnt say belonged to me because I know that's now how this works. But I just cant help but feel a little weird about it. Probably because we were still having sex with each other.

And now the second question. The question that made me cut all ties with her. I blocked her number and blocked her from all of my social media. She literally has no way of contacting me other than email but because of her answer to this question I doubt she'd ever go that far.

2. How many guys have you had sex with unprotected?

Her answer: One.

Now the anger i felt at this point was on a whole new level. Luckily I've been learning to keep my composure a little bit. But so many thoughts went racing through my head when she told me that.

1. She lied to me AGAIN. I asked her this question when me and her first started messing around and she told me that she didnt have unprotected sex with anyone else. And me being gullible believed her when I shouldn't have. The fact that she lied to me again shows her lack of loyalty even more than she had when we were actually together.  I know this is all my fault.

2. There's absolutely no way she's only done that with only one person. She has already lied twice. I'm sure she'll do it again.

3. The sheer fact that the most intimate and important thing to me was so easily given up to just random person that she barely knows. I was having unprotected sex with her because I loved her. I felt extremely attached to her when I'm around her. And I thought the unprotected stuff was special. Maybe even a child would've came out of it. And we would've got back together.

I look back on those thoughts now and realize how foolish I've been. I've simply been in love with the thought of this woman. When she never really deserved or appreciated my love. Or maybe she did, for the first few months. But when shit got tough, she checked out. Now I simply can't help but think of how intimate we were when were together and how she was doing the exact same thing to someone that isn't me. And it burns. It really does.

Wow, what a shitty way to end a 5 year relationship.  Well 6 years if you want to include whatever we were doing this year. Strange that we cut ties around the very same time last year. It came full circle in one year. Wow.

But in the end I have no one to blame but myself in this.  I chose to make this woman my girlfriend way before it was time and before I was able to vet her to see if she was right for me. I chose to trust in this woman when her family seems to be the most questionable people I've ever been around. 

Before I blocked her for like the 5th time today (I know)

I checked up on her and she doesn't seem to be bothered at all. Just goes to show that she was not the one for me.  And I hate that because as much and I hate her for what she did, that bond we had was something special. And I hope to find a bond like that with another woman in the future. But this time she will be vetted.

I can go into so much more detail about my ex and where I am mentally but it's way past my bed time. I guess this can be in parts.