getting this out

Its a thought in my head that hasn't left me yet. But its there. And I know that I have to get rid of it before I make my next move with Courtney. I have this lingering feeling that I should have sex with one more girl before fully committing to Courtney. I really like Courtney, like really like her. To the point where it's turning into something else. Funny enough she practically admitted to me that she was already there. She said it under her breath but I heard her loud and clear. She's so perfect to me. I want to commit now But its too early. Way too early actually.

So after Courtney left my place to go to work I talked to another woman on the phone. She's African so she definitely has a fat ass. And she seems like she has a good head on her shoulders so far. I haven't met her yet, but I'm going to try to do this before Courtney comes over this weekend and before our vacation.

I truthfully think im having this feeling because I'm already in the mood to commit and it feels like I'm already there with her but I'm not. We already spend so much time together and its 99.9% confirmed that she has replaced whatever void my ex had on me. Every single positive thing that my ex used to do Courtney has been doing and way better at that. Its lowkey crazy actually. I wish I could express all of this to but that probably wouldn't turn out well so I'll just keep it all to myself. But yes, I just want the satisfaction of having sex with another girl a few more times before i throw in the towel and commit to Courtney. She's such a great woman and she treats me so well. I just gotta get this feeling out of me first. 

That girl from New York

Funny how things work. A few months ago My aunt passed away and we held a service out in my hometown NJ. My sisters friend came through and she seemed almost attached to me the entire service. She talked to me the most and she never left the table i was sitting at. At the time I was assuming that she was digging me but thinking about the current events that happened tonight has me changing my mind all the way. And its confirming my thoughts about Courtney even more than before....

My brother in law held a bday party at my moms house. And a lot of guests were expecting to show. Now I assumed that my sisters friend would show up I just didn't know exactly when she would. So I went on about my night like usual. Drinking, talking shit and laughing. Until she showed up. Smh

She showed up with 2 other women, im assuming they were relatives or friends. I didn't know it was her at first because we all had our masks on because of covid. Until she reached out to me for a hug. After that I tried to remain cool and act like her presence didn't effect me even though it did. She did her best to stay far away from me the entire night. We talked one more time and it was only by happenstance. And I was the first to initiate the small convo. I asked her when she was leaving (In order to see if I should make a move) she said she was leaving the next day so it was an extremely short visit. After that she walked away and continued to avoid me or my energy. Im gonna assume that she either met someone serious back home or she just completely lost interest. Whatever the case, her and her 2 companions left before everyone else. And she didn't even say goodbye. So I'm just gonna assume that whatever was about to happen earlier this year is out of the question now. I mean granted, she never really reached out after the last time we saw each other so I guess it makes sense. It just sucks becauss I was kinda looking forward to seeing her a little bit.

This just further puts a target on Courtney's back for me. Ive dealt with this feeling before so I cant say that I am 100% convinced. But for right now, the only woman that has remained consistent force in my life this year has been her. And I've met quite a few women this year too. So I'm saying now, February or March, if I'm still dealing with Courtney and I remain as confident in her as I am now, I think I'll be ready to fully commit. Because quite frankly, I'm tired of wondering if certain girls have my back. When I have a beautiful ass women who actually does and makes it known everytime she gets a chance.

When its time to get over it and change

Ok now, so this will probably be the last time I'll address my feelings towards my ex. I'm over it and its just plain and simple....its time to move on. Even with my current situation and the reminders of what once was, I have to get over it.

I've just come to the conclusion that nothing healthy will come out of this and I dont want my past to remain and hindrance for my future. So....its labor day weekend holiday and its the very last day before I have to go back to my regular work schedule. And unlike my last few labor days where I would go out wit the hopes of meeting someone new or possibly just staying home, I actually spent all weekend with Courtney. And its a great feeling spending time with someone who you know loves spending time with you just as much. We might end up having that conversation about my ex's eventually but she doesn't even remotely seem interested in thag which is intriguing because usually most girls would have asked multiple questions, multiple times about that. But it literally hasn't happened yet. But she's told me about her exs a few times. So I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

But yes, today was the day when I said fuck it. No more checking up on her. No more looking at her FB page and Instagrsm Pages. Its a wrap.

And you would think that by me saying this that something must've happened. But no, I jusy truly feel that its time to move on. Courtney had a to leave for a little bit so when she left I checked my socials and the checked my ex's. A few things.....I remember the few months when we were talking she would express that she wanted to move back to LA and I lowkey didn't want her go because I knew I probably wouldn't see her again. But it seemed pretty clear thats where things were going. I remember that all of her immediate family moved out there so I figured she'd follow suit. But after we stopped talking she only started to travel out there and come back. Im assuming because she met someone out here and that wanted her to stay. Because I remember when I was with her and that was the only reason why she didn't go back to LA. Well whatever the case, from the outside looking in, it doesn't look like she's intending to leave this city anytime soon. She got herself a new apartment. And she's living on her own. Which is pretty damn cool I can't lie. Just basing off how I remember her, she was in NO WAY responsible to have her own shit. So I cant lie, I wish we were at least on talking terms so I could tell her how proud I am but whatever......
Another thing, the ex that she somehow despised when we were together is now back in tbe picture. Well he's been in the picture for a while now so it wouldn't out it passed me that they probably rekindled things despite all the shit she used to tell me about him. Which is what she's probably doing to me DESPITE all of the good shit I did for her. Lol its crazy.
And one more thing, I'm convinced, Facebook has never been good for me and her situation. Each and everytime something shitty would happen between facebook was caught in the middle of it. So today, for the very last time, I checked her account and the post she made about getting her own place had a few comments that caught my attention.

1. Was Nekos baby mama. Not sure if she had ANYTHING to do with Neko not coming around but it wouldn't surprise me. Cece has always been a friendly talkative person and for Nekos baby mama to stick around for so long despite not having a single thing in common reveals quite a lot to me. I cant even lie.

2. Her ex, as I said before its funny how they rekindled things. Its even funnier how they rekindled things immediately after we fell out the very last time. Almost as if she reached out to HIM not the other way around. Smh

3. Lacey, a while ago me and her matched on Tinder. I sent her a message simply to see if she'd respond. She didn't. And I forgot about it. But there's something that I realized, a lot of people are really loyal to my ex despite the fact that they never really had a real friendship with her at all. Her and lacey literally never talked when we were together. In fact I always felt like Lacey and a few other girls didn't really like Cece in that way to so its weird to see them being so loyal to her. Another girl thats ridiculously loyal to her is a girl that she worked with back when we moved from lithia springs to marietta. This girl literally matched with me and even met up with me. Had a nice walk in the park, nice conversation despite asking me weird ass questions about my ex. This is where I began questioning her motives for meeting up with me....at the end of the date she even gave me one of those hugs that had me in my feelings. After the date she even started asking me sexual questions. We planned another meet up and it never happened. And this is why I've decided to not really meet up with women with the specific intention of only meeting out in public. Because damn near each time ive done it it has lead to no where at all. And I've also decided that its pointless to try and get with any girl that I've met while I was with her. Its pointless. Besides.....times are changing and life is undoubtedly moving on. Its taken me damn near 4 days to finish this journal post because my time has been occupied heavily with Courtney. She's doing everything in her power to make me forget about the past without even knowing it. And its working for the most part. Its just those extremely nagging things that come up that makes me remember what once was. But ill just have to simply get over it. Courtney treats me way better than Cece could ever do. And I plan on treating her way better than I ever treated Cece because she absolutely deserves it.

Well....im finally finished with this journal post. I'll definitely be sharing my thoughts a little more soon. 

Comparing and Contrast

So....I'm writing this because I cant sleep. Its 3 am Saturday morning. And for the first time in weeks I've had time to really think about things. Well lately I've been hanging with Courtney quite a lot. We get along so well! Its such a refreshing feeling to start something new with someone completely fresh and new. Although I have my reservations for this as well. Everytime I hang with Courtney I get this feeling of familiarity. Almost like we've been together for a long time. When honestly its only really been a month and a few days. And then it hit me, this feeling is very similar to how I felt when I was with Cece but its as if those negative aspects of that relationship were completely thrown out. Its as if the last 2 years of my relationship with Cece never happened and we have been in a extremely happy relationship. Thats literally how I feel when I'm hanging with Courtney. I even had to catch myself a few times from getting in my comfort zone. Last time we hung out I almost told her that I loved her like I used to tell Cece. I have to remind myself that the woman I'm dealing with now IS NOT Cece despite the various similarities that they both have. Even down to their names and nicknames. Its really weird and im guessing that I should be making too much of a deal about it because each time I've brought my thoughts to someone other than myself I'm usually met with "you're overreacting" 🙄 I just hate that I can't get that stupid ass woman out of my head. Courtney is doing all that she can unbeknownst to her. It just sucks that they have so many similarities. But with the similarities, there are also things that are completely different. This comes with personality types of course.

Cece is ambitious, but only for her self interest. She doesnt like pleasing people really. If anything she wants to be pleased and catered to. Even when it comes down to sex.All of this is something that I absolutely wish I wouldve noticed back when I was with her. I did notice a slight change in her behavior after I broke things off with her the first time. But the harsh/sad reality is that I wasn't the one to bring that side out of her. And Who knows who it was, but it damn sure wasn't me.

Courtney is also ambitious. She is for self but also for others. She is a people pleaser. I can tell. And boy does she have drive! More drive than any woman I've ever been with (even though were not really together yet) she is all about self improvement. So theres no dragging her to the gym or pressuring her to eat better. She does it on her own. And her body is Fantastic because of her lifestyle!

So I'm leaving another part out. So I've noticed something else. Courtney is brand new. Really fresh and I really dig her. And I've come to conclusions as to why that is. She is literally and amalgamation of all my exs put into one.

Drive and ambition like my ex Brittane
Freaky side like my ex Angel
Body and overall vibe like my ex Cece

I know I'm not supposed to be a one woman man right now given my situation of how I've altered certain things in my life to be multiple women friendly but she definitely has me considering my options. Its only been a month and some days.....but we ALREADY have a trip planned at the end of this month. Now I usually wouldn't want to move this fast with someone I just started dating but I just feel this deep intense connection to her. Now that I think about it, the last time I went anywhere out of town with a woman without family being involved in anyway was with Brittane. This is because she had the drive and ambition to make moves. In fact she initiated the thought about the trip and even drove there herself the entire time. Cece definitely didn't have any of that drive nor ambition. Possibly because she was 4 years younger than me and just couldn't handle being with an older man. I dont recall her ever bringing up the fact that she'd like a getaway. Could possibly be that she was waiting for me to come up with the idea. Either way that was a shitty situation to be in now that i look back. Brittane and Courtney are my age and had great working positions. And they dont really look to me for guidance all the time which is something I respect now that I'm older. Its really interesting comparing and contrasting how different but simular these women are.

I'm just praying and wishing for the best of me and Courtney's future. I really enjoy her energy and it feels weird af when I dont see her after a certain amount of days. And I dont think that it has anything to do with sex. Even though her sex is Fantastic! I just really enjoy being around her.

Ok let me stop being all gushy and get my day started. Lol