revelations. some bad some good

Well I can't remember the last thing stated for an update so I'll just be free styling. These last few weeks have been an absolute blur. Some of it has been blissful, some of it has been annoying. But the blissful moments have been out weighing the annoying moments so far.

It's December, my birthday month. And I'd be lying if I said it was easy to keep track of my mindset and mental state. Partially because my mind has only been focused on 2 main things as of late. Which was the Kickstarter for Iron Infiniti and my current er....."girlfriend" I guess you could say.

So let's take things from the top, My sister came out of no where for a plan to visit Las Vegas for our birthdays. I originally wasn't going to go because of the lack of funds until it was revealed that my mom and sister would pay for more than half of my share of the trip. Which was cool. And because of the Florida trip I had with Courtney a month prior, I couldn't help but desire to have her tag along with me. And she agreed.

During the weeks of planning I kept thinking about my sisters friend and how she basically ignored me the last time I saw her and my moms house. I instantly knew she'd be among the many who was invited to attend. And I wasn't wrong. She did come and many others. I kept thinking to myself had Courtney not come, how weird and awkward things would've been for me especially knowing how petty women could be at times. But luckily I had Courtney by my side the entire time.

Then my sisters friend did exactly what I thought she'd do. Her presence remained completely absent around me. I dont think she ever spoke to me once during the entire trip. Ironically she and Courtney had a brief conversation while I wasn't looking. Which I definitely felt was odd especially knowing the fact that I didn't catch Courtney talking to anyone else like that on the trip including Melissa or any of my sisters other friends. Really, really weird. But I didn't think too much of it after that. They ordered a party bus for us on the last night of celebration and she was there as well. Didnt say a word to me or Courtney while we were there and then I didn't see her again which was cool.
What came out after that night was a whole other story.....smh for some strange reason, the night before the party bus tour, my mind could not stop thinking about being in an open relationship with Courtney. I couldn't sleep for anything while ironically Courtney was sleeping like a baby next to me. I began contemplating over and over again if I should bring it up while on the trip. Well, for one reason or another, the opportunity presented itself and I spilled the beans. The reaction and the roller coaster of emotions wasn't really what I expected at all. But basically she doesnt agree with it at all. And now I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Because I really want to be with Courtney, she's making me a better man day by day and I dont think she realizes it. But I still have this desire to sleep with other woman. Not to actually be with them but just to sleep with them. Truthfully this is because of the crazy amounts of eye candy out there right now. I mean dont get me wrong, Courtney is every bit of eye candy that I just can't get enough of, but that Vegas trip kinda killed it for me. Pretty girls of all races all over the place with big jiggly asses. I saw one white girl in the mall that was literally shaped like a black girl. She had on Lululemon leggings, her arch was crazy and she was standing bowlegged looking absolutely fantastic. I just wanted to grab and touch on all of them. I couldn't contain myself. Which is probably a reason why the conversation even came up in the first place.

But yeah....Courtney ain't digging it. Her mindset is strictly monogamous and what pisses me off is she's not willing to think outside of the box not because of what she believes but its because of past traumas and hurt that she still has not gotten over. Thats very clear and it sucks. Because even though she is all about me for now, things will change. And this is what I'm trying to avoid despite what she believes I'm trying to do. And because of the time, I have a lot of thinking to do and not a lot of time to do it. She is applying pressure pretty heavily. She's over here about 5 or 6 days out of the week so we spend a lot of time together. And this means I dont really have time to spend or deal with other women at all. And its almost January. 2 months away from when I plan on throwing in the single white towel. I still plan on making things official by March if everything goes as smooth as its been. Because even though she rejected my one desire to deal with multiple women, the positives out weigh the negatives when I really think about it.

The small things that are bothering me are things that can be rectified. And in fact, they will be rectified without me even having to say anything. Courtney needs a make over and she knows it. So I dont even have to mention it. Her womanly intuition is stronger than any other woman I've dealt with. When she sees herself slipping, she notices itand attacks the issue without me saying a word.. And I applaud her for that. Another reason I know that she knows is because she has been recycling her clothing choices a lot lately. And I've definitely been noticing. I bought her a pair of red leggings from a beauty supply store because I knew they'd look good on her and I think I've seen her wear them more than 7 times since we've been dating. Which tells me that she would probably wear anything id buy her but because of my past experience I have a hard time wanting to buy her anything clothing related. Years after breaking up with my ex I kept rethininf about how dumb it was that I used to buy her clothes that she'd never wear. So now I'm dealing with a woman who would probably wear the clothes I'd buy for her but I just can't bring myself to do it. Just another thing that my ex ruined for Courtney. Smh

Speaking of exes....

I noticed....after posting 2 images of me a Courtney that we took while on the Vegas trip.

Cece completely stopped posting to her Facebook and Instagram. She posted a really revealing photo of herself a few weeks prior but she deleted it. I guess all that attention seeking got her punk ass exactly where she deserves to be: No where. I said it before but wasn't serious enough back then but I think im dead serious now. I think im done checking up on her. Its clear that she was doing all of this nonsense in the past 3 years to save face on how humiliating it had to be to lose out on me. I mean she went on cable television and made herself to look like a stone cold fool and for what, attention and a few likes from a few dudes who will eat her up and spit her out? Lol she's ridiculous and her mom should truly be ashamed. But I know she isn't because her dumbass mom encourages the shit. I also remember Cece stupid ass saying that if me and her were meant to be that we'd find each other again and make it work. 🤦🏾‍♂️ That would never happen on the count of Courtney is the epitome of Ceces replacement. Like literally being with Courtney feels like what would happen if the events in our relationship in the years 2016-2017 never happened. I even think I heard my mom accidentally call Courtney, Cece through random conversation. So with that being said, I would NEVER get back with Cece. And I mean NEVER. I'll still look at our porn tapes we made back in the day though lol

Angel on the other hand is just weird. As stated before Angel had a harem of dudes orbiting around her and expected me to join the party. I didnt want to at all and she took offense to that. Then I met Courtney and I've just been keeping my distance. Well she's still been trying to reach out to despite being on her nomad lifestyle. She's just too unstable to me. Maybe sometime long long in the future when her kids are old af that we can try and rekindle things but right now her lifestyle is too much and unstable af. And the way she treated me was unstable af too. She basically wanted to be treated like the way I treat Courtney without giving anything in return other than sex.....well it doesn't work that way.

Well.....I have a lot of things to think about and this thing is getting long so ill cut it off for now....until next time...

I think I'M FINALLY OVER IT

I'm taking a small break from the daily grind to reflect on somethings.
Mainly where things are going with my personal/dating life. Things with Courtney have been great! And like most couples starting early out, there have been times where we get on each other's nerves but nothing has been too major. Hell, we aren't even necessarily a couple yet but it feels that way each time we are together. Probably because Courtney fits right in my life at the moment. Things are still moving a tad bit fast but I'm learning to just deal with it but take notice of how I'm feeling.

My feelings for Courtney are strong. But not as strong as I would like them to be. This is possibly because of my jaded attitude at this point when it comes to relationships. Because of my past relationships, especially with my ex (more on her in a minute) its hard for me to want to let all of my guards down. I'm sure she has noticed but im hoping it hasn't been too obvious. I'm no longer super lovey dovey as I once was in my 20s. Well, on second thought, maybe Courtney hasn't noticed. She probably thinks that this is just the way that I am which is ok for me. The comparisons to my ex are still lingering but luckily its not as mind numbing as it was before.

Speaking of my ex, I have definitely noticed that I haven't been having much of an urge to keep tabs on her. In fact, I've been checking out my Angel a lot more than Cece. Which is crazy when I think about it. I think im finally over Cece at this point. I've comes to terms that this woman isn't really a woman at all. She's still a little ass girl without direction, still showing her ass on instagram for attention, still overweight and gave up on trying to figure it out. It's lowkey sad. And it disgusts me thinking that I spent 3 years of my life trying to figure out how to make her want to do things to make me happy when she could've been doing this shit on her own the entire time.

Or I could've just found someone else who wanted to do this for themselves from the get go like Courtney. I dont even have to try to motivate Courtney to get active. In fact, its mainly her trying to motivate ME.
I admit, I've gained a few pounds, but im not fat, im around 168-170 which is a perfect size to build muscle on. Well shes been egging me to hit the gym with her for a few weeks now and ill finally be doing that this upcoming Friday.

Anways, yeah, Cece is becoming a long lost memory just as much as Brittane has. Funny, I can definitely see in about 5 years time, if she's still in Atlanta she'll have a kid. Its almost guaranteed at this point. I really wonder how long it'll be before I check up on her page again. At this point I have no reason or urge to because of Courtney. Everything that Cece used to do while I was with her Courtney has topped that. Even down to the way she treats Marley. Marley treats her as if she was the one I was with when I purchased him as a puppy. I often wonder does he confuse the 2 or does he know the difference between Courtney and Cece? Hmmmm.....

To make a long story short, this post was to inform my feelings about Cece right now.. and it'll probably stay that way......Well thats it for now,
I'm out

Too much too soon ...or is it?

Ok so in a weeks time, it will officially be 5 months since me and Courtney have been hanging out. And im not gonna lie, a lot of things have happened in this short amount of time. Some of it has been too early some of it has been just right but interestingly enough, I wouldn't have it either way.

So let's get down to details. We aren't technically in a relationship just yet but with the way we are with each other, you might as well say that we are. But im trying my best to stay in this mode because I remember what Mr. Locario on youtube said: "don't get in a relationship with a woman until you've properly vetted and train her into the woman you want her to be when you finally do become exclusive." And its working out just fine actually. Like all healthy relationships, we've had some really good times and some bad times. But nothing has stopped me from wanting to see her and keep her around. In fact, I'm slowly but surely dropping off all of my situations I've had prior to meeting her. No one has came around yet that oozes stability like her quite frankly and I love it. In fact, I've been keeping an eye on Angel these past few weeks and im just going to assume that she's never going to change. Her and Cece are 2 peas in a pod of you ask me. Both seem to be all over the place when it comes to what they want to do with their lives. I remember seeing Angel post about wanting to become a surrogate for couples. Which is the dumbest shit I've seen in quite a while. She has like 3 kids and doesn't mind pushing out another one for money???? Yeah im glad I kinda dodged that bullet. Smh while me and Courtney were in Florida she sent me this text saying that no matter what happens she will always love me and then send me a video of herself naked. I guess she was expecting me to respond but I didn't. Funny enough I'm sure I wasn't the only person who received that video either.🙄

She is too crazy for me. And I thought I'd be cool with the whole polygamous situation she is into but I just can't. I guess its because she is proud of what she is and what she does and doesn't mind showing it off. I seen a post on her Facebook where she has photos of all of her "partners" and im just over here thinking, had I fell victim to her and had I not met Courtney I'd probably have my face in that photo gallery. Glad I smartened up. On top of that, she gets on instagram lives basically butt ass naked and has zero problems with it. Im like wow. Smh so yeah I haven't talked or seen her in quite a while. And it'll most likely stay that way. 🤷🏾‍♂️

As far as Cece is concerned....Courtney is unknowingly making me forget about this woman with each day that passes. The last time I checked up on her she is now a esthetician. 🙄

So let me get this straight.....when i first met her, she was a singer. But that didnt work out so well so she got into drawing and selling t-shirts because she saw that I was successful at it. But that didnt work out so well for her so she got into modeling. But that didnt work out the way she wanted it so she got into photography. But that started slowing down. So she got into modeling again and being an all around slut for likes on social media. But that didnt work out so well so now she's an esthetician? 🤦🏾‍♂️ Jeez why the hell didnt I realize how much of a fuck up she was when I first got with her. And im extra curious as to why she didn't jusy move back to LA with her family after me and her broke off for the 2nd time. Like I'm genuinely confused. Well whatever the case like Brandon says, Fuck her. She's done. And its true for various reasons but one reason in particular is COURTNEY.

Ok, so like I stated before, me and Courtney have been spending quite a lot of time together. I really like this woman. So much so thats its not even about liking her anymore. Its about love. That's right LOVE. Well basically what happened is she ended up meeting my mom and the family a lot earlier than when she was supposed to. And im admit I was a little nervous but luckily everyone loves her just as much as I do. Especially my mom, which I admit is tough to impress. I learned that the hard way. But my mom really likes her, like a whole lot. I can tell. My mom was having a BBQ and I brought her over ti.meet everyone and when they first met they literally stood and talked to each other for like 20 minutes straight. I have NEVER seen my mom do that before. Not with Cece, Angel, or Brittane.

I think with Brittane she believes I was just too young to be with her so seriously. She barely even paid Angel any attention, but that's because I barely brought her around because we weren't together long enough. Cece on the other hand was just drama when she came around. I didnt see it at first but now I'm looking from the outside yeah it makes total sense. Cece's ass didnt like coming around at first because my mom would want her to help clean around the house after a big party or get together. And she just didn't like being pressured to do stuff. I dont know why I was so oblivious to that but thats exactly what it was. And I just wasn't man enough to nip that in the bud when it happened. Things eventually got better and her and my mom eventually did get a long but i could tell that the way she acted in the beginning always affected how they interacted with each other from then on out.

But Courtney is different. She aims to please and tries to make the best impression possible. We all went to the gun range a few days ago and she got all dressed up because she knew my mom would be there. And low and behold, soon as we made it in, my mom complimented her attire. Like clock work.

Even at the BBQ I made it a point to ask Courtney to make me a plate. And she obliged no problem. I'm sure that impressed my mom as well because she definitely commented on it. "Oh you making him a plate too?" Funny enough, making me a plate at a family gathering was the reason why I called Cece trash on facebook a few months ago. Im not sure who was stalking my page but she certainly found out about it. But whatever, its certainly true. And I hope she eventually grows the fuck up.
I remember our last big blow up before I found out she was cheating on me, she told me that she doesnt like thinking about me moving on to a new girl, possibly starting a family and having Marley around growing old. But ironically thats exactly whats happening. Courtney has replaced her. Even down to how Marley reacts when she comes around. I know he's a dog and their intellect only goes but so far. But I wonder if he realizes that Courtney is a much better woman than Cece could ever be. Because she certainly is. 

getting this out

Its a thought in my head that hasn't left me yet. But its there. And I know that I have to get rid of it before I make my next move with Courtney. I have this lingering feeling that I should have sex with one more girl before fully committing to Courtney. I really like Courtney, like really like her. To the point where it's turning into something else. Funny enough she practically admitted to me that she was already there. She said it under her breath but I heard her loud and clear. She's so perfect to me. I want to commit now But its too early. Way too early actually.

So after Courtney left my place to go to work I talked to another woman on the phone. She's African so she definitely has a fat ass. And she seems like she has a good head on her shoulders so far. I haven't met her yet, but I'm going to try to do this before Courtney comes over this weekend and before our vacation.

I truthfully think im having this feeling because I'm already in the mood to commit and it feels like I'm already there with her but I'm not. We already spend so much time together and its 99.9% confirmed that she has replaced whatever void my ex had on me. Every single positive thing that my ex used to do Courtney has been doing and way better at that. Its lowkey crazy actually. I wish I could express all of this to but that probably wouldn't turn out well so I'll just keep it all to myself. But yes, I just want the satisfaction of having sex with another girl a few more times before i throw in the towel and commit to Courtney. She's such a great woman and she treats me so well. I just gotta get this feeling out of me first. 

That girl from New York

Funny how things work. A few months ago My aunt passed away and we held a service out in my hometown NJ. My sisters friend came through and she seemed almost attached to me the entire service. She talked to me the most and she never left the table i was sitting at. At the time I was assuming that she was digging me but thinking about the current events that happened tonight has me changing my mind all the way. And its confirming my thoughts about Courtney even more than before....

My brother in law held a bday party at my moms house. And a lot of guests were expecting to show. Now I assumed that my sisters friend would show up I just didn't know exactly when she would. So I went on about my night like usual. Drinking, talking shit and laughing. Until she showed up. Smh

She showed up with 2 other women, im assuming they were relatives or friends. I didn't know it was her at first because we all had our masks on because of covid. Until she reached out to me for a hug. After that I tried to remain cool and act like her presence didn't effect me even though it did. She did her best to stay far away from me the entire night. We talked one more time and it was only by happenstance. And I was the first to initiate the small convo. I asked her when she was leaving (In order to see if I should make a move) she said she was leaving the next day so it was an extremely short visit. After that she walked away and continued to avoid me or my energy. Im gonna assume that she either met someone serious back home or she just completely lost interest. Whatever the case, her and her 2 companions left before everyone else. And she didn't even say goodbye. So I'm just gonna assume that whatever was about to happen earlier this year is out of the question now. I mean granted, she never really reached out after the last time we saw each other so I guess it makes sense. It just sucks becauss I was kinda looking forward to seeing her a little bit.

This just further puts a target on Courtney's back for me. Ive dealt with this feeling before so I cant say that I am 100% convinced. But for right now, the only woman that has remained consistent force in my life this year has been her. And I've met quite a few women this year too. So I'm saying now, February or March, if I'm still dealing with Courtney and I remain as confident in her as I am now, I think I'll be ready to fully commit. Because quite frankly, I'm tired of wondering if certain girls have my back. When I have a beautiful ass women who actually does and makes it known everytime she gets a chance.

When its time to get over it and change

Ok now, so this will probably be the last time I'll address my feelings towards my ex. I'm over it and its just plain and simple....its time to move on. Even with my current situation and the reminders of what once was, I have to get over it.

I've just come to the conclusion that nothing healthy will come out of this and I dont want my past to remain and hindrance for my future. So....its labor day weekend holiday and its the very last day before I have to go back to my regular work schedule. And unlike my last few labor days where I would go out wit the hopes of meeting someone new or possibly just staying home, I actually spent all weekend with Courtney. And its a great feeling spending time with someone who you know loves spending time with you just as much. We might end up having that conversation about my ex's eventually but she doesn't even remotely seem interested in thag which is intriguing because usually most girls would have asked multiple questions, multiple times about that. But it literally hasn't happened yet. But she's told me about her exs a few times. So I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

But yes, today was the day when I said fuck it. No more checking up on her. No more looking at her FB page and Instagrsm Pages. Its a wrap.

And you would think that by me saying this that something must've happened. But no, I jusy truly feel that its time to move on. Courtney had a to leave for a little bit so when she left I checked my socials and the checked my ex's. A few things.....I remember the few months when we were talking she would express that she wanted to move back to LA and I lowkey didn't want her go because I knew I probably wouldn't see her again. But it seemed pretty clear thats where things were going. I remember that all of her immediate family moved out there so I figured she'd follow suit. But after we stopped talking she only started to travel out there and come back. Im assuming because she met someone out here and that wanted her to stay. Because I remember when I was with her and that was the only reason why she didn't go back to LA. Well whatever the case, from the outside looking in, it doesn't look like she's intending to leave this city anytime soon. She got herself a new apartment. And she's living on her own. Which is pretty damn cool I can't lie. Just basing off how I remember her, she was in NO WAY responsible to have her own shit. So I cant lie, I wish we were at least on talking terms so I could tell her how proud I am but whatever......
Another thing, the ex that she somehow despised when we were together is now back in tbe picture. Well he's been in the picture for a while now so it wouldn't out it passed me that they probably rekindled things despite all the shit she used to tell me about him. Which is what she's probably doing to me DESPITE all of the good shit I did for her. Lol its crazy.
And one more thing, I'm convinced, Facebook has never been good for me and her situation. Each and everytime something shitty would happen between facebook was caught in the middle of it. So today, for the very last time, I checked her account and the post she made about getting her own place had a few comments that caught my attention.

1. Was Nekos baby mama. Not sure if she had ANYTHING to do with Neko not coming around but it wouldn't surprise me. Cece has always been a friendly talkative person and for Nekos baby mama to stick around for so long despite not having a single thing in common reveals quite a lot to me. I cant even lie.

2. Her ex, as I said before its funny how they rekindled things. Its even funnier how they rekindled things immediately after we fell out the very last time. Almost as if she reached out to HIM not the other way around. Smh

3. Lacey, a while ago me and her matched on Tinder. I sent her a message simply to see if she'd respond. She didn't. And I forgot about it. But there's something that I realized, a lot of people are really loyal to my ex despite the fact that they never really had a real friendship with her at all. Her and lacey literally never talked when we were together. In fact I always felt like Lacey and a few other girls didn't really like Cece in that way to so its weird to see them being so loyal to her. Another girl thats ridiculously loyal to her is a girl that she worked with back when we moved from lithia springs to marietta. This girl literally matched with me and even met up with me. Had a nice walk in the park, nice conversation despite asking me weird ass questions about my ex. This is where I began questioning her motives for meeting up with me....at the end of the date she even gave me one of those hugs that had me in my feelings. After the date she even started asking me sexual questions. We planned another meet up and it never happened. And this is why I've decided to not really meet up with women with the specific intention of only meeting out in public. Because damn near each time ive done it it has lead to no where at all. And I've also decided that its pointless to try and get with any girl that I've met while I was with her. Its pointless. Besides.....times are changing and life is undoubtedly moving on. Its taken me damn near 4 days to finish this journal post because my time has been occupied heavily with Courtney. She's doing everything in her power to make me forget about the past without even knowing it. And its working for the most part. Its just those extremely nagging things that come up that makes me remember what once was. But ill just have to simply get over it. Courtney treats me way better than Cece could ever do. And I plan on treating her way better than I ever treated Cece because she absolutely deserves it.

Well....im finally finished with this journal post. I'll definitely be sharing my thoughts a little more soon. 

Comparing and Contrast

So....I'm writing this because I cant sleep. Its 3 am Saturday morning. And for the first time in weeks I've had time to really think about things. Well lately I've been hanging with Courtney quite a lot. We get along so well! Its such a refreshing feeling to start something new with someone completely fresh and new. Although I have my reservations for this as well. Everytime I hang with Courtney I get this feeling of familiarity. Almost like we've been together for a long time. When honestly its only really been a month and a few days. And then it hit me, this feeling is very similar to how I felt when I was with Cece but its as if those negative aspects of that relationship were completely thrown out. Its as if the last 2 years of my relationship with Cece never happened and we have been in a extremely happy relationship. Thats literally how I feel when I'm hanging with Courtney. I even had to catch myself a few times from getting in my comfort zone. Last time we hung out I almost told her that I loved her like I used to tell Cece. I have to remind myself that the woman I'm dealing with now IS NOT Cece despite the various similarities that they both have. Even down to their names and nicknames. Its really weird and im guessing that I should be making too much of a deal about it because each time I've brought my thoughts to someone other than myself I'm usually met with "you're overreacting" 🙄 I just hate that I can't get that stupid ass woman out of my head. Courtney is doing all that she can unbeknownst to her. It just sucks that they have so many similarities. But with the similarities, there are also things that are completely different. This comes with personality types of course.

Cece is ambitious, but only for her self interest. She doesnt like pleasing people really. If anything she wants to be pleased and catered to. Even when it comes down to sex.All of this is something that I absolutely wish I wouldve noticed back when I was with her. I did notice a slight change in her behavior after I broke things off with her the first time. But the harsh/sad reality is that I wasn't the one to bring that side out of her. And Who knows who it was, but it damn sure wasn't me.

Courtney is also ambitious. She is for self but also for others. She is a people pleaser. I can tell. And boy does she have drive! More drive than any woman I've ever been with (even though were not really together yet) she is all about self improvement. So theres no dragging her to the gym or pressuring her to eat better. She does it on her own. And her body is Fantastic because of her lifestyle!

So I'm leaving another part out. So I've noticed something else. Courtney is brand new. Really fresh and I really dig her. And I've come to conclusions as to why that is. She is literally and amalgamation of all my exs put into one.

Drive and ambition like my ex Brittane
Freaky side like my ex Angel
Body and overall vibe like my ex Cece

I know I'm not supposed to be a one woman man right now given my situation of how I've altered certain things in my life to be multiple women friendly but she definitely has me considering my options. Its only been a month and some days.....but we ALREADY have a trip planned at the end of this month. Now I usually wouldn't want to move this fast with someone I just started dating but I just feel this deep intense connection to her. Now that I think about it, the last time I went anywhere out of town with a woman without family being involved in anyway was with Brittane. This is because she had the drive and ambition to make moves. In fact she initiated the thought about the trip and even drove there herself the entire time. Cece definitely didn't have any of that drive nor ambition. Possibly because she was 4 years younger than me and just couldn't handle being with an older man. I dont recall her ever bringing up the fact that she'd like a getaway. Could possibly be that she was waiting for me to come up with the idea. Either way that was a shitty situation to be in now that i look back. Brittane and Courtney are my age and had great working positions. And they dont really look to me for guidance all the time which is something I respect now that I'm older. Its really interesting comparing and contrasting how different but simular these women are.

I'm just praying and wishing for the best of me and Courtney's future. I really enjoy her energy and it feels weird af when I dont see her after a certain amount of days. And I dont think that it has anything to do with sex. Even though her sex is Fantastic! I just really enjoy being around her.

Ok let me stop being all gushy and get my day started. Lol

An interesting concept 8/1/2020

So its been quite a while since I've updated this. And a lot of things have happened Since the last post on here.

Its been a full year so we have a lot to catch up on. So let's start with sections

Girls
Art
Life

Girls:
Girls have been one of the main focal points for me this year. Just improving myself while talking to women is such an exciting experience. Unfortunately I haven't been able to do much approaching because of certain life events but we'll get to that later. As of late of been using Tinder, Facebook Dating, and OKcupid to get dates. Lately, most of them have come from Facebook dating. I've met some interesting women over the past year. Some of them worked out and we got along lovely. Some of them tanked and we were at odds from the jump. All in all it was just a chance for me to get back into the game for real this time. I've had a hankering to get my ex out of my mind. Yes...she is still there drifting in my mind. But things are different now. 😊 It all happened a few months ago, I was going through it emotionally. I kept wondering to myself why is it that I can't find a woman that liked me as much as my ex did. Like when she was deeply infatuated with me. I kept coming across women who either gave off a weird vibe from the jump or they seemed as if they were interested in me and then quickly stopped being interested shortly after. This obviously shot my confidence a lot but I still tried to maintain a high level of confidence regardless. So I kept talking to different women. All while stalking my ex (Cece) instagram profile. And to be honest, I almost don't recognize her anymore. She looks different. And not in a good way. She just looks tainted. Maybe its because I've spent the better part of 2 years imagining all the sick shit she did behind my back while we were together, or maybe its all of the crazy shit she has gotten into since we've went our separate ways. Like I'm sure she definitely had sex with that bitch ass nigga Showout and the fact that she was on a dating show on tv and publicly embarrassed herself. And im ashamed to admit that I felt second hand embarrasment just for the simple fact that I actually dated her seriously without knowing her true nature.....but its none of my business no matter how I feel about it. And come to find out she's been stalking me as well, either that or she has a mule account stalking me. As I said something on my page insinuating that she was a trash girlfriend and she ended up posting about it on her page. So clearly she spies on me. Makes me wonder if she knows about this next part....

So I get a random text from another ex....
Angel....aparantly she moved back to Atlanta for a little while and wanted to hang out. We hang out and for most of the time it's just an all around sex fest. The first time we hung out she spent the night and we had sex all night long. I was extremely happy. Not because I was with a woman and we were having fun all night. But because for the first time I finally was able to get my ex off of my mind and I was able to enjoy myself with another ex that clearly still loves me very much. I love her but I don't think its the same way that she loves me. Truthfully I want to be with her but she just has so much baggage that I don't think it would work in the long run. The only time my ex crossed my mind is when I began comparing how I felt in public areas and in my bed with Angel vs. with her. And it was different. Me and Angel have an interesting relationship. And I hope it doesn't change.......

Then...something happened. And it was fairly recent actually. I dont know why I'm feeling these things but I'm feeling them and they won't go away no matter how hard I try to bury them.

So...even though I'm enjoying myself with Angel....the void that I'm trying to place her in just isn't enough. I still found myself having urges to stalk her social media accounts and acting upon those urges. I still sometimes feel this massive hole in my heart and truthfully cece took it from me. All of the women ive been in contact with just couldn't come close to what that woman used to bring to the table as far as attachment and emotions were concerned. That is..until I met another women recently by the name of Courtney.....

Truthfully it seems like this woman fell from the sky. I can't lie, just a week or so ago I was in my car talking to my self conscious, questioning myself as to why I couldn't find a woman to fill that void? Why I couldn't find a woman to make me forget about Cece? Why I couldn't find a woman that was infatuated with me like Angel was infatuated with me?

It was a late week day night and I was just winding down on the day for art. I get a text, and it was from Courtney. She said she wanted to see me even if it was for only 10 minutes. I obliged. It was 11 at night and I had to be up at my day job for 5 am so I wasn't trying to stay up too late. She showed up and did exactly what she said she'd do. When she walked in, I couldnt help but notice her body. She has this perfect pear shape where most of her shape is on her ass and thighs. So immediately I began to smile. I didn't expect much because she wasn't gonna be around for long. But she walked in and saw my new art banner and was immediately drawn to it. She was commenting on all of the characters. She barely made eye contact with me but it was fine because I was studying her body. I couldn't help it. She left after the 10 minutes was up but not before I got a hug and my hands made their way to her soft jiggly ass. Most girls would awkwardly laugh and remove my hands but she let me grab and continue to grab. I also got a disturbing revelation that night. And now things have gone into over drive. During that 10 minutes of her chilling with me she revealed a nickname that her coworkers and friends call her for short. Cocochanel or CECE 😮 if my subconscious mind had a face, that is the exact face it made when she revealed that. But there's more!

A few days later we scheduled another chill session which ended up being much more than a session. It became an overnight thing. And that night revealeved quite a lot of intell. The night instantly brought me back to how me and my ex were before we had the serious falling out. We got drinks she brought weed and we had a fantastic time smoking, talking, having sex, watching TV and drinking. The night went so well that she called out of her job and spent the night. It got to a point where she was sitting on the edge of my bed in her bra and panties while we were talking about issues going on in the world I just couldn't help but tell her how sexy she is. Yes, this woman is gorgeous. In fact she looks better than my ex in every way possible. Its just the vibe that feels intensely simular. She even interacts with Marley and Brandon the exact same as my ex would so I cant lie I get a sense of nostalgia when she does that. I'm not sure how to feel about it though because its not like we've known each other for a long time but my emotions are so intense for this woman. So intense in fact that I try my best to hold back as much as i can because I dont want to scare her away. Its just super weird how this woman is everything I wanted my ex to be while we were together. Like she will sit and play smash bros with me and actually try to learn instead of complaining that I'm loud while playing. She doesn't have any tattoos although she has piercings. She is in shape and watches what she eats. And so much more. I caught myself about to call her Cece a couple of times but I just can't. So I've resorted to calling her baby or babe. And even then that feels eerily familiar to when I was with Cece. It's so crazy how that woman has this much if an effect of my 3 1/2 years after I've stopped dealing with her. Smh well im not entirely sure how this is going to go with Courtney but I'm enjoying my time i have with her for sure. That woman is beyond sexy. Like BEYOND SEXY.

Well that's all for now. This thing has went on long enough. Part 2 coming soon