So it's 5 in the morning and I cant sleep. Partially because I wasn't really in the mood for sleeping when I actually did fall asleep and I didn't take any sleeping pills so I'm wide awake right now.
And some things have changed. Oh yes they have. And im here to break it all down.
Today is February 20th. 5 days after I made a decision that I hope I won't regret. On Valentines day I jumped the gun and made things official with Courtney. So yes she is now my girlfriend. And this was for a few reasons....1. I grew tired of the cat and mouse game when it comes to dating in 2021. It seems like there's so many available women out there in the world when really most of them are mentally and emotionally unavailable. Most of them refuse to bring their walls down to become vulnerable enough to build a connection. 2. I learned this with the last girl I dealt with before I got in this new relationship. Everything was all cool until she came over and then I realized what a horrible mistake I was making. Here I am with this strange I my room, who went out of her way not to be next to me in anyway. Then she told be that she was celibate and that took things over the edge for me. I kept thinking to myself: Why am I dealing with these dumb ass girls when I have a woman in my corner who tells it like it is and isn't shy about letting me know how she feels about me? So after that girl left, I already knew that I'd never see her again so I deleted her number and unfollowed her on instagram. And my attention went almost exclusively to my girlfriend.
I tried to get with at least one more woman before I made my decision but nothing came to. Im just gonna assume that my attitude towards consistently putting myself out there and getting nothing in return started to bug me which is why I decided to do what I did.
And because of this, somethings are still bugging me. On my girlfriends end, almost everything is working like a charm. There are things that I played out in my head going a certain way and they literally go exactly the way I thought. And then there are things that makes no sense but they have happened.
For example, as of late my Courtney is going through a hair crisis and its becoming so much of a thing that I had to mention to her about it. And unlike my last ex, she is taking everything with abnormally strong consideration. Without a fuss at all. Im assuming that she knows that she needs to do things with her hair. And me commenting on it pushes the narrative even more. I had even imagined how she'd look with blue hair and suggested it to her and she thinks its a great idea. So all in all, things are pretty good for me and her.
Now here's where the bullshit lies.....my ex.
Now im going to use this place as an effort to vent my frustration on why this bitch seems to ruin a perfect plan every time I get an idea that would benefit me and not her. Partially my fault because everything I associated with her should have been cut out my life a very long time ago. But with me being me, I thought my status would be enough for people to say "well he does do good work, regardless of how I feel about him." But that's not the case I guess. 🤷🏾♂️
So Courtney's bday is in March and she's be turning 30. She wants to do a photoshoot of some sort and she usually goes with a photographer that she's been using but that photographer might not be available at that time. So I had the bright idea that maybe the photographer that took photos for my ex would help me out with a surprise photoshoot for Courtney because I mean he was still friends with me on Facebook so I didn't think it would be a big deal. Especially because Im willing to pay.. so I sent him a message and waited for a response. And I kept waiting. Then I found out that buddy read my message but chose not to respond. So that kinda confused me for a bit. Especially when he responded the last time I hit him up, granted it was quite a while ago but still. So that really didn't make any sense to me. At all.
It pissed me off but I didn't think anything of it until I got home. I got on my Facebook account and looked through some old memory posts from the last few years. I looked at one from 2016 and I looked at the comments. Low and behold, my ex had a comment on one of the posts. And in thinking, that can't be right, she has me blocked on facebook. Meaning I cant see what she posts nor can she see what I post. The only way I was able to see her posts before is when I had to check on my secondary account. And because of this, I knew she unblocked me. But why is the question, what would give her the reason to unblock me even though we haven't spoken since 2018? And then it clicked. 🤦🏾♂️
A while ago I shared a video from worldstar where some chick was speaking on how a real woman is supposed to treat her man. In the caption I stated "wow my ex was wack"
Word got back to her and she unblocked me and made a post about what I said. Then blocked me again. So at this point I'm forced to put 2 and 2 together. Just basing off how the photographer acted. And the fact that my ex has me unblocked right now basically making assume that the photographer dude was the mole in this whole operation. Each time I do or post something even remotely connected to her, his bitch ass must've been running and telling her everything. Which is why she unblocked me this time. My relationship status has not changed since 2017. So when it changed, most of the people on my friendslist were clearly notified. The status change has around 104 likes and 40+ comments. Im almost certain that the photographer saw the post and notified my ex. Triggering her to unblock me to check up on me. Even though she's already been checking up on me. And it makes me feel better because I thought I was legit going crazy for checking on her all the time when she was basically doing the same thing. And doing a horrible job at concealing it. Folks closest to her probably still all know how much I've affected her life. And the same thing goes for how much she has affected mine. But the difference is I don't show it. On my end, it looks like I've completely moved on. New relationship, career booming, new projects. And on her end she's only putting on the facade that she moved on.but clearly she hasn't. She's a mess for the most part when it comes to that. Last time I checked her IG account I admit that she looks good. But those photos are only skin deep when you look into who she really is. Her ticktock videos show me she is the same girl she's always been. Despite the many obstacles our lives have gone through these last 4 years.
This was definitely a learning experience from me. I learned that anyone and everything that connected my world with hers needs to crumble and vanish. No industry connections. No friendship connections. No female connections. No family connections. Nothing. Apparently everyone i once known that were connected to her and I back then think im the devil anyway despite the fact that she was the one who cheated on me. So all in all fuck em. Ever since I made this new relationship a reality. Everything feels brand new but familiar at the same time because of my ex and my current girlfriends similarities. Now it's my job to suppress those familiar thoughts and memories. And enhance and embrace the new ones. ✌
