Reflection game

More reflecting....as of right now I'm getting pretty close to my first encounter with my first and only highschool girlfriend in my journal. Some events are slowly coming back to me. Its just really interesting how I was back then. I mean granted, I am judging myself based off the fact that this is 16 year old me. But man its crazy how my mind state was back then. And how much things have changed. I absolutely forgot how obsessed I was with this girl named Mahagony that lived in my neighborhood. She was like 2 years younger than me but for some reason I couldn't find any courage to ask her out. Something tells me that things would've been so different if I had asked her to prom instead of going with my ex girlfriend instead....thank God I didnt because she definitely does not look the same now. She looks to have gained 150 pounds, she probably has kids and her face just doesnt look right. When we were younger Brandon came over and he saw her. He said she was ugly back then and I didnt see it. But now?? Yeah shes rough lol the only reason why I know how she looks is because she follows me on Facebook. Just basing things from these highschool journal entries, Clearly she liked me. I was just too young and scared to talk to her which will forver be dumb in my opinion....but anyway.....

Speaking of ex's.....I did want to speak on Corean a bit more so it would be solidified as to why im glad that things went the way that they did. As far as I am aware, this woman has been talking shit about me up until the middle part of last year. She's using a subsidiary platform from instagram called Threads to talk her shit. She doesnt do it on other platforms like facebook or twitter. Im assuming its because she thinks i would find out. Or maybe she just doesnt give a damn. Regardless I'm honestly not surprised at that. I've talked plenty of shit about her. But its always been behind the scenes on here. Never on a super public platform like Threads. I just find it funny that shes talked shit about me more than any of her exes despite the fact that shes supposedly in a relationship. I do wonder how her boyfriend would feel if he came across her account and did a deep dive. He probably wouldnt be too pleased to know that his girlfriend is online ranting to strangers about her ex boyfriend. 🤦🏾‍♂️ same for me. My wife would certainly not like this. But luckily this is a private platform literally for my eyes only. but anyway, what does tick me off is within one of her rants she revealed that apparently none of the people she brought around technically liked me. Which if I'm being honest, when reflecting upon everything that I could remember about our relationship I definitely could feel it. I just didnt know how to put things into perspective at that time. I always felt a negative aura around her family and friends when it came to me. Her aunts and uncles in particular never made me feel particularly welcome. And that was from the very beginning of our relationship. I still think it had something to do with how the relationship started honestly. And when I compare how i was welcomed in with my wife's family early on, its like night and day.

I've never experienced any of my exes going this deep to shit on me and our past relationship as much as she has though. Im sure they've said plenty of things to their friends. Like Angel for example. Shes personally told me that she talked shit to her friends about me.But to go on full throttle rants to strangers online like Corean is doing is a whole other level. I think its because she probably snoops on me the way I snoop on her and she noticed that not only do I not shit on her publicly, I'm in a whole other relationship that turned into a marriage which is something she always wanted but didn't get. It probably really pisses her off because id be the first to admit, aside from the major issues I've had with her, when we didnt have problems, the relationship was cool. It kinda reminds me of the relationship i have with my wife. Which makes it even more Ironic. 

Ironically we both got into new relationships in the same year a few months apart. I think once she realized a year or 2 went by and nothing changed on both of our ends is when she realized that me and her were completely done and there was no turning back. Because why else would she start talking shit about me to total strangers for 3 years straight if she was supposedly so happy with her current guy? 😒

I will say though, what does kinda irk me is the fact that the way she talks about me is like we didnt have any kind of rekindling in 2018 at all. 

She talks as if when we broke up in 2017 that we never saw each other again. Like her last memory of me is when we were living together. Which is bullshit. We all know that we hung out A LOT after we broke up. Almost to the point where i was contemplating on getting back with her. And she wanted it too. She was practically begging for us to get back together. Thank God I wised up and didnt let that happen. But I will say this, I want to thank her for the experience, because without that I wouldnt have a clue on how to operate and maneuver through this marriage with Courtney. Same with the brief relationship I had with Brittane. Those 2 women definitely prepared me for Courtney. I have no doubt about that at all.

Well...thats all for now. A good bit of reflection does the mental good I swear. Since I've been reading my old highschool journals it really helps me see that doing this is a fantastic way to clear my mind. So I definitely want to write more often. 

Smack my past self

Ok...so its been a few weeks since I last made an entry. There hasnt been any major events going down in my life that I need to immediately break down so right now this entry is more of a time to reflect.

I was feeling a bit nostalgic so I wanted to dig deep and look at my old physical journals from highschool and college. I actually haven't touched any of these books in years. Probably a little bit before I moved in with my ex from my last relationship. So its been quite a while. Some of these books are falling apart on the low, but luckily i can still make out what i wrote in most of them. I started out at 9th grade and I've moved my way up to reading events that occurred in Junior year. From 9th to 11th, Its crazy how focused I was on one particular girl back then, her name was Cecilia and just from reading all of those journal entries it is heavily important to note how much of a loser mindset i had. I was so deathly afraid to talk to that girl and I would bribe or beg my friends to talk to her for me. Its mind boggling knowing that I spent the entire first half of my highschool life being obsessed with her. So much so that I immediately ignored all of the girls who did show signs of interest in me. And boy, all of my friends basically shit all over me for it until 11th grade when I finally had my first highschool girlfriend. I haven't made it that far in the journals yet but I know those pages are coming up soon.

I also want to note just how depressed I was. From not having the confidence to talk to girls, to flunking out of classes, to getting in trouble at home because of the flunking, all of that lead to me being super depressed and I said some really crazy things that I would NEVER say now. Its just really crazy seeing how my past self was really thinking. I also couldn't help but notice how when I was on punishment I would always say that I couldn't wait to get a car so I can leave the house and basically never come back. Its hella Ironic because the older me currently could give a damn about going out if I really dont have to. And I have 2 vehicles in my possession. Lol really funny shit.

But as im reading along I am definitely seeing where I went wrong with all the encounters with girls that I had. I took note of a lot of girls basically throwing themselves at me all throughout these books and i chose not to do anything because i was either nervous or i had my mind stuck on a single girl. Whats crazy is that some of the girls that did this were girls that i actually liked. Such a shame, because of my lack of knowledge of how girls operated, my highschool life was a lot more dull than it should have been. Especially the first half. Smh 

For the longest time I've always been a tunnel visioned kind of guy. I dont think i adapted until well after I broke up with Corean. So that mindset has always been a problem for me. And to think my dad was alive at the time and I remember he would tell me simular things to the game that understand now but he would never go in too much detail unless he got really drunk. This is something I am going to do differently when Courtney and I eventually do have children. If our first child is a boy, when he gets of age, im going to try my best so he wont go through what I went through. Because a lot of this stuff was so unnecessary. Smh but I am actually enjoying going back and reminiscing on memories of that time. I'm literally going back and reading books on my life and personal experience from decades ago. Its truly surreal shit. I kinda wish i wouldve done this earlier, probably around the time before I met Courtney. It wouldve been a great time to reflect while i was living the single life. Even though My present self would love to smack my past self a couple of times. But thats how its supposed to be right? 

Anyway, that's all for now. I may have to make another journal entry about this if I come across memories that peak my interests. 

Doppelgangers

It's been a while since I've updated. I know....i hadnt realized that its been 3 damn years. Partially because I've been going through the day by day. Going through the motions if you will. The things I expressed in my last journal post will be addressed in due time. But now i want to focus on whats going on right now. Time is speeding past a 100 miles per minute its seeming like. Things are changing at a rapid pace but things still feel the same. I saw a video a while back that basically explained that if you continue to not actively pursue your purpose or actively doing new things until you find your purpose, time will go by fast for you. It's because you arent building new memories. I dont feel that way for the most part though. I mean sure Sometimes these thoughts come around when I think of my absence of being in the streets selling my artwork. Then I have to realize that im building a catalog of artwork so I can come back with full force when its time to finally get back out in the streets. I say all that to say, man..... I've been working ....alot. More than I should have, but hopefully it will all be worth it in the end. 

Life with Courtney has been great! We actually got married and I'd be lying if I said that I wasnt happy! The married life feels exactly like it was before we got married. 

Im not sure if thats a positive thing or a negative thing, but to me it feels like the right thing. I never wanted to jump into something like marriage all green with someone. Thats a one way ticket to hell in my book. But yes shes cool! The family loves her, her family loves me. And we just vibe. I love the fact that she keeps me healthy and motivated to get off of my feet and get active. I love that she always give words of encouragement to me. It's something really special. I feel like things maybe moving too fast at times. But I have to remember my age and where im at in life. Im not getting any younger. The clock is ticking. So if im going to make my move, im going to have to make it happen soon.

Speaking of the clock ticking...

The concept of doppelgangers or the similar auras that some people have from one another has always been a fascination of mine. I get so excited when I see someone that looks like someone else I've seen on film or in photographs. I really like analyzing their features. For example, I come across a lot of girls on social media who remind me of my wife. Not visually, but their auras remind me of her. Theres this one woman in particular I follow reminds me so much of my wife despite the fact that they dont really look alike but they have similar features. She recently got engaged and her fiance has similar features to me which I find pretty interesting lol every time she pops up on my timeline I have to do a double take because I always get her confused with my wife.  

Anyway, theres this new show that Netflix came out with. Its a reboot/sequel of a sitcom that would come on television back when I was a child. I was too young to understand all of nuances of the show at the time but as I grew older I began to understand it more. Nevertheless this new show is pretty interesting. Its actually really good and im enjoying myself while watching. Theres just one glaring issue: the main character reminds me sooooo much of my ex. I'm unsure if this actress is this way at all in real life, but in the show she gives off this youthful aura that really resonated and reminded me of how my ex was when we first moved in together. I looked up the actress and shes 24 years old so the timing makes sense. But yeah, she doesnt technically look like my ex but she gives off that same aura. But its really strange because when im watching the show the way she does certain things like her voice inflections, her mannerisms and her expressions are exactly how I remember my ex acting while we were together. Particularly in the beginning stage. Its kind of nostalgic in a weird ass way. Its like im looking at a version of my ex in a different universe despite the fact that this actress actually lives in the universe that im currently in. 🤦🏾‍♂️ Wild shit I know. Everytime I watch the show a part of me imagines what could have been had she not been a fucking idiot and listened to me the way my wife does. This actress is a slim build, probably around 130 pounds, 5'3. Everytime I see her face, its a constant reminder of a thing I tried to manifest and control that I simply could not because I started all wrong. In fact, im inclined to believe that we were never meant to last regardless of how I started. But that's another story......

After a brief search.....okay things just took a WILD ASS turn. My mind just went absolutely blank for a second. The shit that I just found out further proves my intrusive thoughts while watching this show. Now I dont know how to feel. So just for fun I decided to do some more research on this actress. While I was searching for her weight and height her ethnicity kept popping up in the Google search bar. It was almost egging me on to a certain point. Bruh this chick is Belizean just like my EX!! I remember a long time ago my ex would tell me that lots of Belizean people are related and now i believe her 100%. I wouldnt have thought in a million years that this actress would legit have the same ethnic make up as my ex yo! That is one hell of a coincidence. I kept getting this weird feeling of nostalgia while watching the show for a reason. And now that I know this information i know the nostalgic feeling is going to be MUCH stronger. Shit sucks, because a part of me wishes that I could reach out to her and ask her about this but that would NEVER happen. For many, many reasons. But because this has become way too long, ill just leave it there for now. Ill make a part 2 later.

damn....

So it's currently 11:12 at night. A little but past my bed time and I reminded myself that I haven't made an entry in a very log time. Like man....it's been a whole 2 years almost. 🤦🏾‍♂️

Well I'm going to spare myself all of the updates but I will say this....I am living life on the edge right now and I know I shouldn't be. I have a lot riding on the future of my life but I keep finding myself in predicaments that could ruin everything. I suppose I need to get this off my chest but I have an addiction that I really need to cope with and possibly get help if things get worse for me. I started a new habit and it's been fun but I know the consequences could be dire if things go wrong. It's hella risky especially when I'm dealing with my girl. (Yes I'm still with her.) And I dont want to catch anything nor do I want her to catch anything. Which is why I really need to stop and quit cold turkey. 

I don't know what is wrong with me but I feel like things are going so well with my life that I feel like I'm trying to sabotage it and I don't know if it's me making these bad decisions or is it some unknown force but I know I have to stop it. I can't let bad discipline and bad practice throw me off my game. I just really wish I could've came across this bad habit when I was single and rectified it then but things are coming up now and I don't know how to handle it. I probably honestly need to put a lock on my phone for a certain amount of time in order to prevent myself from doing certain things with it. I don't know but something needs to give because my situation in life is not the most perfect situation but it's working really well for me right now. My current girlfriend has been a treat to be around besides the few times where she brought her anger for something else onto me. Those situations were rectified but they still happen every once in a while.

My ex still robs my mind every now and them. But its nothing like before where I would check up on her constantly. Now that I'm either focused on my girl, my art brand ,my job or my habit I basically don't have time to think about her like I used to. Plus.my girl is sexy. To this day everytime we go out she gets compliments on her looks from different women. Guys look at her too and a dude holla'd at her right in front of my at the gym. I didn't make a deal out of it because it wasn't. Plus I wanted to.see.what she would do and how she'd react to a do trying to get at her. She rejected him and kept it moving. I was proud.  

Work is a but different now. Way different actually......the white girl and black dude I was working with before are no longer in the section that I'm working at now. The black guy got fired and the white girl upgraded her position in the company. so basically I'm by myself there with new hires that'll probably be there by the time I'm gone from the company. Because I'll be damnned if I'm there longer than 5 years.

The girls I thought I could connect with never happened. One was actuallt married and I confronted her about it. Long story short that bitch was just a weirdo. She ended up quitting shortly after that. The other girl quit before her but it sucks because I honestly could've focused my time with her and it mightve went somewhere. Maybe....but then again messing with girls at work is pretty messy anyways.

The art world is a little fucked up right now. Not going to say much but Instagram is definitely the most shitty social media platform there is. It's literally has not been good since a little bit BEFORE my last blog post. So that should say a lot. 

So I've been focusing a lot more on my comics and people are definitely starting to pick them up. I'm really looming forward to finishing this story though. I'd like to work on other things.

All in all, the main reason I'm writing this blog post is to remind myself that I really need to meditate again. Things have been going absolutely well for me on the outside but I'm really feel like my inside is really fucked up. And I think a few days or weeks of consistent meditation will help me get out of this funk and get back on top of my life the way that it was supposed to be in tbe first place. 

I really need to get better.

And I will get better.

Changes....ugh

Well....it's been a minute and LOTS of things have changed since my last entry.

I'm currently typing this in my car. On break at my new job.....yeah I had to do something that I didn't think I would have to do any time soon. I had to get a new job. Smh and not only that I had to get a full time job.  Well....because my last job literally let all of their employees go. And art sales have been slow for a few months now. I blame instagram for this. I didn't think things would get worse for the platform but it did.. 😑So because I didn't have a main source of income anymore I was forced to do this.

Basically I work in a larger facility doing almost the exact thing I was doing before. But there are many other things I had to learn (and still learning) In order to be comfortable working this position.  It's still taking me some time to adjust to this new 40 hour work week schedule. And its seriously cutting in my art time. But I still draw when I can. I also went from $13 an hour to $16 so my pay checks are kinda nice. I'm just still upset that after 5 long years of hustling, I am right back on the full time work struggle.  Smh

As far as my co workers most of them are cool. Some of them are annoying but I'm making it work. I sense some sexual tension between me and 2 other girls who work there. But I can tell that they are both super passive and they don't say much to me at all. And I don't say much to them either.  Their energies are super off and on towards me and I admit it does get to me a little bit but then I remind myself that I have a whole girlfriend at home who I love dearly. I still can't tell if they dig me in that way or they are just being nice because we work in the same place. But one of them, (her name is Sarah) did call me handsome one time. And I admit it felt great. But after that day that she just seems super distant towards me unless she absolutely has to say something to me for work. She's very attractive too. Like seriously if I wasn't in a relationship I would definitely try to talk to her more. But that's not the way things are playing out. Even before my lunch break today, i had to clock out on the pc in the lunch room and she was in there. While waiting for the computer to load I was wondering if she would say something to me but she never did. She turned around to see that I was in there and then simply walked out. And that reason alone let's me know that I shouldn't be looking into her as much as I've been doing lately.  But she's so damn sexy that it is often distracting especially when she usually wears leggings and you can tell she has a nice ass. And she's short. She has to be around 5'2 or 5'3.  I also noticed a ring on her left hand. Which signals she's either married or engaged. So it's looking like it wouldn't work out no matter if I was single or not.

So when she walks by the only thing I can do is imagine what it would be like to smash. But that's about it. But today kinda confirmed that I probably shouldn't be paying attention to her that much anymore.  Especially when she didn't say a single thing to me today. Which by the way.....on my first week of working here, before she told me I was handsome,  she would wave or say goodmorning to me each time she saw me. Not anymore. So it's best I focus on things that I can control....Like my relationship with my actual girlfriend.

Things are going swell for me and Courtney.  I cant believe our 1 year anniversary is coming up soon. I've been dealing with her for sometime now and I feel like we are finally at a place of comfort with each other.  She's been super serious about losing weight lately and I can definitely tell it's working. Last time we had sex I was looking at her waist and it is soooooo small now. I love grabbing on her while she's on top or I'm hitting from behind. It's such a beautiful thing. And it's a stark reminder of what I wanted to happen with my last relationship.  It's so funny how things work out. I literally was begging my ex to do the things that Courtney does willingly and on her own occord. I even chumped out and bought her some new clothes for Christmas.  Even ended up buying and giving it to her before Christmas so I can see if the clothes fit and they all for superbly well. I cant wait to see how she looks with the outfits when it's all put together!! I also have her working out deals with those art sharing pages to get more of my content on them. She says all the time that she sees herself working for the brand full-time in the future and so do I.  We just have to actually get to that point first. And that includes me dropping this current Job I'm working and back to doing what I love and that is art!

Well that's all for now. I've spent damn near my whole lunch break typing this out when I should actually be drawing right now. But it's OK, today is Friday so when I get home from work today I will be going in!! 

It's time to get focused

It's always funny to me how I start these late at night right before bed. Almost like a tradition for years and years now. Lol crazy

But yeah I guess I should express some feelings before I shut things down for the day. Life has been normal for the most part. Things with my purpose are changing for the better and I definitely feel like I'm growing along with the brand. Something that I havent felt in a long time actually. I wouldn't say I was stagnating but things definitely felt like it was beginning to get dull. I even followed along with my original plan from a year or so ago with learning and taking animation seriously.  And I am making some serious progress. I could always be better and I will be better but I'm just happy with where I am right now. Hell I even had some artists who have literally never made it known that they even check my stuff out actually put out some words of encouragement on my animation updates. So that really helps me understand that I have a really good thing going on and I can't wait to see where I'll be with cartooning in the next few years.  Seeing my characters animated in real time is something I honestly didn't think I'd see so soon but I am so happy that things are picking up.


In other news, me and Courtney are still going strong. And its crazy because it's really almost been a year since she stepped foot into my bedroom and into my life. Admittedly I have not shared nearly as much about our relationship as I would usually but thats partially because we have spent so much quality time together that I often forget to make new journal entries.  Well....things have gone very well so far.  We hardly ever have issues and if we do it's usually handled pretty quickly because I have no problem with letting her know how I feel about certain things when they occur.
And the fact alone helps me get a clearer view of her perspective. She respects me hell of a lot and that's because I check her when she does things that I determine to be disrespect. Which is something that I have never tried in a relationship before.  Well not in this way. Before I would go through certain things with my ex's and instead of addressing the issues right when it happened, I let shit slide and addressed it much later when it was no longer relevant.  This clearly made a horrible impression early on in those relationships.

For example, Corean. She did a lot of disrespectful shit all the way at the very beginning that I didn't check because I thought it was just jokes. She would laugh at a few of my lyrics back when I used to rap.. Had I known that these jokes would eventually evolve into clowning as time went on then I would've nipped them in th bud but I didn't.  This also would have helped me determine what mindset that she was on back then. She never once was really supportive of my comic book brand. Can't believe it tool me so long to realize but she was never really there. Truthfully all of those times where she accompanied me at conventions would've been just fine had I had been by myself selling instead. It was all about her and a little bit of me. Very, very self absorbed and that's evident to this day.  Last few times checking out her socials told me everything that I needed to know about this woman.  Which is something that I should've been aware of back when I was with her or shortly after we broke up. Hell even my grandmother who only met her once knew that she was a delusional woman. She's so delusional that it's almost frightening that I spent so much time with her. She can never figure out what exactly she wants to do with her life. One minute she's a model, the next minute shes singing, the next minute she's a make up artist and the next minute she's a photographer.  🙄
And to make matters worse, she literally still looks the same. NOTHING about her had changed since 2018. NOTHING.  So imagine if I didn't have a back bone and stuck with her even after finding out that she lied to me AGAIN. Yeah that would never crazy! She's still the same size as she was before, she claims that she works out but nah I can tell she's every bit of 170 lbs that she was 4 years ago. Smh and then when I look at my girlfriend now, I can't help but smile. Especially when months prior to meeting her I was screaming in my car asking myself why I'm not attracting any women that want to go along with my program? Why am I not attracting women who think my life is exciting and they want to be a part of it? Especially when there's so many women literally all around my area!!!?? The irony about Courtney is that she was literally down the street from me for 3 years after me and Corean broke up. So imagine,  while I was running around these streets from 2017-2019 my girlfriend was literally around the corner from me. It's wild. Almost like it was destiny for us to get together. Now I'm not saying that we are perfect or specifically saying that we'll be together for a long time because who knows what the future holds? But I will say that these last few weeks of dealing with her made me make some changes in my own life. Like I finally hid my Tinder card from the general public. I would get online every now and then just to see what was out there and if I was missing anything, but people are ridiculous these days. I got a few matches. But none worth talking to. So clearly I wasn't missing much. Plus all the matches I was getting paled in comparison to my girl so that further proves that it was time to give it up for now.  Plus Courtney seems to be super serious about helping me with my purpose/brand. And its crazy because the things that she tells me are out her own mind but they are the exact talking points that I had when I discussed what I really wanted in a partner in crime with all of this.  This alone is what made me realize that sites like Tinder and Okcupid are nothing more than a distraction from what my true desire is: a dope ass girlfriend who could also be my right hand and partner with all of this.

Well that's all for now peace....

Tuesday morning thoughts

I felt inclined to write this out after a really shitty dream I had last night. Luckily it was only a dream. And truthfully I shouldn't even be having dreams like this....because in real life everything is GOOD

Smh

But yes I am 2 months into this new relationship venture and so far things seem to go really well.  I am happy that I didn't just jump into a relationship with Courtney a few months into her meeting her like I did with  Cece. I remember when we first met I ended up bringing her around the family and accidently introduced her as my girlfriend to my cousin Malcolm. She caught it and asked if we were official, and if I had tbe same mindset I had back when I was with Cece then I probably would've said yes. Luckily I didn't....and the rest was history. 

I feel like if I hadn't waited we'd be in a lot more fights because she would still be trying to get to know me and understand how I operate but because we've known each other for a while now, things have been smooth. So smooth that it's almost like we've been together longer than we have so far.

We also have a set schedule for how much time we spend with each other. In my eyes, this helps to keep things fresh. She comes to spend time with me 3 to 4 days out of the week and the rest we are apart.  Which is good because I find myself  missing her when she's gone and I get really happy when she visits again. And if I'm feeling this way then I know for a fact that she's feeling this times 100.  Her looks, her body, her attitude its all so attractive I can't lie. And even if I do happen to see really attractive women online or in person,  I don't even have an urge to talk to anyone new. Which isn't necessarily a good thing but I'm just enjoying this new relationship right now. And I'm being extremely patient right now because I know how attractive this woman is despite her not knowing or acknowledging that fact.  I still remember her doing a little fashion show for me the first time I went over to her house. Seeing how those outfits she wore enhanced her curves allowed me to understand what I was really working with.  She just has to get her hair in order and my mental score for her will skyrocket. I mean it's already high but I already have an idea for how she will look and it gets me excited just thinking about it everytime. She had braids not too long ago but couldn't keep them because my sister in law didn't do her hair correctly. But for the little time she did have them in, I immediately saw a difference and I caught a glimpse of what I already knew about: I've been imagining her with long hair ever since we began talking and I finally put things into perspective when I photoshopped a weave onto one of her pictures. She looks so good that it's insane! She had this distinct Gabriel Union look to her which only intensifies her beauty and in actuality it makes her look so much more feminine. And truthfully I believe she knows this as well. Because when she got her braids and she would go out without me she would come back and tell me that certain guys (guys like me) would approach her. This wasn't the case before she put them in nor was it the case after she took them out. Now when she goes out places and come back she doesn't say anything. So either guys are still approaching and she's not mentioning it or they aren't anymore. 

Now don't get me wrong,  I love her natural hair.  But it's just not long enough yet. So when she gets braids or a weave, she instantly looks more feminine and easier to approach.  I cant really describe it more than that.  The thing I like most about her is the fact that she's willing to switch things up. I'm assuming because she's actually coherent and aware of how people (that she cares about) percieve her.  Which is stark contrast from my ex. But more on her later.....


At this point of my life I'm just happy to have someone who wants to make me happy just as much as I want to make her happy.  And I'm super excited for our future!!

Now about my ex.......


Yeah the more I look at her, the more I appreciate my current girlfriend. I had a talk with Brandon a long time ago and we both agreed that our past relationships just weren't supposed to last. Things that were so difficult for my ex to comprehend or care about comes almost too easy for my current girlfriend to comprehend. I don't have to ask or suggest that she do certain things because she suggests them for herself. I dont have to painstakingly do research for her because she does them for herself.
There were things that i brought to my ex's attention that were almost always ignored or put on the backburner. And I resented my ex for it. But Courtney takes notice of it on her own and goes out of her way to address it without me saying anything about it. For example, I took notice of my ex's stomach and arms almost immediately and she told me that those places were her problem areas. But despite that, she showed little to no effort to make a change in her workout routines. I even went out of my way to get her a personal trainer, which now that I'm thinking about it, she probably was fucking buddy instead of actually working out but that's a whole other story.  Shit,  even to this day she probably hasn't made a change despite her efforts to show her followers that she has.
Truthfully she still looks the same as she did back in 2018. Shits wild. Lol
But my current girlfriend? I truthfully, without a doubt have no issues with her body. Everything is perfect! Her stomach has a little pudge too but not as bad as my ex's and it's not even worth taking note of honestly but she seems determined to get rid of it. She's literally painstakingly doing research to find ways to minimize it.

Shits crazy. I was literally spending 3 years of my life doing research for a girl that should've been doing all of that for herself. Smh I suppose her mindset was "He been with me for this long, he ain't going no where." And truthfully she was right.  It took an elaborate cheating scheme for me to really realize what was going on. Shit was sad, but like most things, I had to go through it in order to grow. 

I'm just enjoying this new found relationship and I'm loving the fact that she fits right in with the family. There's absolutely no drama and everyone loves her. Especially my mom.

Out of all of the women that I brought around the family, Courtney is by far the most liked. And I am unbelievably happy for it!!

February 20

So it's 5 in the morning and I cant sleep. Partially because I wasn't really in the mood for sleeping when I actually did fall asleep and I didn't take any sleeping pills so I'm wide awake right now.

And some things have changed. Oh yes they have. And im here to break it all down.

Today is February 20th. 5 days after I made a decision that I hope I won't regret. On Valentines day I jumped the gun and made things official with Courtney. So yes she is now my girlfriend. And this was for a few reasons....1. I grew tired of the cat and mouse game when it comes to dating in 2021. It seems like there's so many available women out there in the world when really most of them are mentally and emotionally unavailable. Most of them refuse to bring their walls down to become vulnerable enough to build a connection. 2. I learned this with the last girl I dealt with before I got in this new relationship. Everything was all cool until she came over and then I realized what a horrible mistake I was making. Here I am with this strange I my room, who went out of her way not to be next to me in anyway. Then she told be that she was celibate and that took things over the edge for me. I kept thinking to myself: Why am I dealing with these dumb ass girls when I have a woman in my corner who tells it like it is and isn't shy about letting me know how she feels about me? So after that girl left, I already knew that I'd never see her again so I deleted her number and unfollowed her on instagram. And my attention went almost exclusively to my girlfriend.

I tried to get with at least one more woman before I made my decision but nothing came to. Im just gonna assume that my attitude towards consistently putting myself out there and getting nothing in return started to bug me which is why I decided to do what I did.

And because of this, somethings are still bugging me. On my girlfriends end, almost everything is working like a charm. There are things that I played out in my head going a certain way and they literally go exactly the way I thought. And then there are things that makes no sense but they have happened.

For example, as of late my Courtney is going through a hair crisis and its becoming so much of a thing that I had to mention to her about it. And unlike my last ex, she is taking everything with abnormally strong consideration. Without a fuss at all. Im assuming that she knows that she needs to do things with her hair. And me commenting on it pushes the narrative even more. I had even imagined how she'd look with blue hair and suggested it to her and she thinks its a great idea. So all in all, things are pretty good for me and her.

Now here's where the bullshit lies.....my ex.
Now im going to use this place as an effort to vent my frustration on why this bitch seems to ruin a perfect plan every time I get an idea that would benefit me and not her. Partially my fault because everything I associated with her should have been cut out my life a very long time ago. But with me being me, I thought my status would be enough for people to say "well he does do good work, regardless of how I feel about him." But that's not the case I guess. 🤷🏾‍♂️
So Courtney's bday is in March and she's be turning 30. She wants to do a photoshoot of some sort and she usually goes with a photographer that she's been using but that photographer might not be available at that time. So I had the bright idea that maybe the photographer that took photos for my ex would help me out with a surprise photoshoot for Courtney because I mean he was still friends with me on Facebook so I didn't think it would be a big deal. Especially because Im willing to pay.. so I sent him a message and waited for a response. And I kept waiting. Then I found out that buddy read my message but chose not to respond. So that kinda confused me for a bit. Especially when he responded the last time I hit him up, granted it was quite a while ago but still. So that really didn't make any sense to me. At all.

It pissed me off but I didn't think anything of it until I got home. I got on my Facebook account and looked through some old memory posts from the last few years. I looked at one from 2016 and I looked at the comments. Low and behold, my ex had a comment on one of the posts. And in thinking, that can't be right, she has me blocked on facebook. Meaning I cant see what she posts nor can she see what I post. The only way I was able to see her posts before is when I had to check on my secondary account. And because of this, I knew she unblocked me. But why is the question, what would give her the reason to unblock me even though we haven't spoken since 2018? And then it clicked. 🤦🏾‍♂️
A while ago I shared a video from worldstar where some chick was speaking on how a real woman is supposed to treat her man. In the caption I stated "wow my ex was wack"
Word got back to her and she unblocked me and made a post about what I said. Then blocked me again. So at this point I'm forced to put 2 and 2 together. Just basing off how the photographer acted. And the fact that my ex has me unblocked right now basically making assume that the photographer dude was the mole in this whole operation. Each time I do or post something even remotely connected to her, his bitch ass must've been running and telling her everything. Which is why she unblocked me this time. My relationship status has not changed since 2017. So when it changed, most of the people on my friendslist were clearly notified. The status change has around 104 likes and 40+ comments. Im almost certain that the photographer saw the post and notified my ex. Triggering her to unblock me to check up on me. Even though she's already been checking up on me. And it makes me feel better because I thought I was legit going crazy for checking on her all the time when she was basically doing the same thing. And doing a horrible job at concealing it. Folks closest to her probably still all know how much I've affected her life. And the same thing goes for how much she has affected mine. But the difference is I don't show it. On my end, it looks like I've completely moved on. New relationship, career booming, new projects. And on her end she's only putting on the facade that she moved on.but clearly she hasn't. She's a mess for the most part when it comes to that. Last time I checked her IG account I admit that she looks good. But those photos are only skin deep when you look into who she really is. Her ticktock videos show me she is the same girl she's always been. Despite the many obstacles our lives have gone through these last 4 years.

This was definitely a learning experience from me. I learned that anyone and everything that connected my world with hers needs to crumble and vanish. No industry connections. No friendship connections. No female connections. No family connections. Nothing. Apparently everyone i once known that were connected to her and I back then think im the devil anyway despite the fact that she was the one who cheated on me. So all in all fuck em. Ever since I made this new relationship a reality. Everything feels brand new but familiar at the same time because of my ex and my current girlfriends similarities. Now it's my job to suppress those familiar thoughts and memories. And enhance and embrace the new ones. ✌

revelations. some bad some good

Well I can't remember the last thing stated for an update so I'll just be free styling. These last few weeks have been an absolute blur. Some of it has been blissful, some of it has been annoying. But the blissful moments have been out weighing the annoying moments so far.

It's December, my birthday month. And I'd be lying if I said it was easy to keep track of my mindset and mental state. Partially because my mind has only been focused on 2 main things as of late. Which was the Kickstarter for Iron Infiniti and my current er....."girlfriend" I guess you could say.

So let's take things from the top, My sister came out of no where for a plan to visit Las Vegas for our birthdays. I originally wasn't going to go because of the lack of funds until it was revealed that my mom and sister would pay for more than half of my share of the trip. Which was cool. And because of the Florida trip I had with Courtney a month prior, I couldn't help but desire to have her tag along with me. And she agreed.

During the weeks of planning I kept thinking about my sisters friend and how she basically ignored me the last time I saw her and my moms house. I instantly knew she'd be among the many who was invited to attend. And I wasn't wrong. She did come and many others. I kept thinking to myself had Courtney not come, how weird and awkward things would've been for me especially knowing how petty women could be at times. But luckily I had Courtney by my side the entire time.

Then my sisters friend did exactly what I thought she'd do. Her presence remained completely absent around me. I dont think she ever spoke to me once during the entire trip. Ironically she and Courtney had a brief conversation while I wasn't looking. Which I definitely felt was odd especially knowing the fact that I didn't catch Courtney talking to anyone else like that on the trip including Melissa or any of my sisters other friends. Really, really weird. But I didn't think too much of it after that. They ordered a party bus for us on the last night of celebration and she was there as well. Didnt say a word to me or Courtney while we were there and then I didn't see her again which was cool.
What came out after that night was a whole other story.....smh for some strange reason, the night before the party bus tour, my mind could not stop thinking about being in an open relationship with Courtney. I couldn't sleep for anything while ironically Courtney was sleeping like a baby next to me. I began contemplating over and over again if I should bring it up while on the trip. Well, for one reason or another, the opportunity presented itself and I spilled the beans. The reaction and the roller coaster of emotions wasn't really what I expected at all. But basically she doesnt agree with it at all. And now I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Because I really want to be with Courtney, she's making me a better man day by day and I dont think she realizes it. But I still have this desire to sleep with other woman. Not to actually be with them but just to sleep with them. Truthfully this is because of the crazy amounts of eye candy out there right now. I mean dont get me wrong, Courtney is every bit of eye candy that I just can't get enough of, but that Vegas trip kinda killed it for me. Pretty girls of all races all over the place with big jiggly asses. I saw one white girl in the mall that was literally shaped like a black girl. She had on Lululemon leggings, her arch was crazy and she was standing bowlegged looking absolutely fantastic. I just wanted to grab and touch on all of them. I couldn't contain myself. Which is probably a reason why the conversation even came up in the first place.

But yeah....Courtney ain't digging it. Her mindset is strictly monogamous and what pisses me off is she's not willing to think outside of the box not because of what she believes but its because of past traumas and hurt that she still has not gotten over. Thats very clear and it sucks. Because even though she is all about me for now, things will change. And this is what I'm trying to avoid despite what she believes I'm trying to do. And because of the time, I have a lot of thinking to do and not a lot of time to do it. She is applying pressure pretty heavily. She's over here about 5 or 6 days out of the week so we spend a lot of time together. And this means I dont really have time to spend or deal with other women at all. And its almost January. 2 months away from when I plan on throwing in the single white towel. I still plan on making things official by March if everything goes as smooth as its been. Because even though she rejected my one desire to deal with multiple women, the positives out weigh the negatives when I really think about it.

The small things that are bothering me are things that can be rectified. And in fact, they will be rectified without me even having to say anything. Courtney needs a make over and she knows it. So I dont even have to mention it. Her womanly intuition is stronger than any other woman I've dealt with. When she sees herself slipping, she notices itand attacks the issue without me saying a word.. And I applaud her for that. Another reason I know that she knows is because she has been recycling her clothing choices a lot lately. And I've definitely been noticing. I bought her a pair of red leggings from a beauty supply store because I knew they'd look good on her and I think I've seen her wear them more than 7 times since we've been dating. Which tells me that she would probably wear anything id buy her but because of my past experience I have a hard time wanting to buy her anything clothing related. Years after breaking up with my ex I kept rethininf about how dumb it was that I used to buy her clothes that she'd never wear. So now I'm dealing with a woman who would probably wear the clothes I'd buy for her but I just can't bring myself to do it. Just another thing that my ex ruined for Courtney. Smh

Speaking of exes....

I noticed....after posting 2 images of me a Courtney that we took while on the Vegas trip.

Cece completely stopped posting to her Facebook and Instagram. She posted a really revealing photo of herself a few weeks prior but she deleted it. I guess all that attention seeking got her punk ass exactly where she deserves to be: No where. I said it before but wasn't serious enough back then but I think im dead serious now. I think im done checking up on her. Its clear that she was doing all of this nonsense in the past 3 years to save face on how humiliating it had to be to lose out on me. I mean she went on cable television and made herself to look like a stone cold fool and for what, attention and a few likes from a few dudes who will eat her up and spit her out? Lol she's ridiculous and her mom should truly be ashamed. But I know she isn't because her dumbass mom encourages the shit. I also remember Cece stupid ass saying that if me and her were meant to be that we'd find each other again and make it work. 🤦🏾‍♂️ That would never happen on the count of Courtney is the epitome of Ceces replacement. Like literally being with Courtney feels like what would happen if the events in our relationship in the years 2016-2017 never happened. I even think I heard my mom accidentally call Courtney, Cece through random conversation. So with that being said, I would NEVER get back with Cece. And I mean NEVER. I'll still look at our porn tapes we made back in the day though lol

Angel on the other hand is just weird. As stated before Angel had a harem of dudes orbiting around her and expected me to join the party. I didnt want to at all and she took offense to that. Then I met Courtney and I've just been keeping my distance. Well she's still been trying to reach out to despite being on her nomad lifestyle. She's just too unstable to me. Maybe sometime long long in the future when her kids are old af that we can try and rekindle things but right now her lifestyle is too much and unstable af. And the way she treated me was unstable af too. She basically wanted to be treated like the way I treat Courtney without giving anything in return other than sex.....well it doesn't work that way.

Well.....I have a lot of things to think about and this thing is getting long so ill cut it off for now....until next time...

I think I'M FINALLY OVER IT

I'm taking a small break from the daily grind to reflect on somethings.
Mainly where things are going with my personal/dating life. Things with Courtney have been great! And like most couples starting early out, there have been times where we get on each other's nerves but nothing has been too major. Hell, we aren't even necessarily a couple yet but it feels that way each time we are together. Probably because Courtney fits right in my life at the moment. Things are still moving a tad bit fast but I'm learning to just deal with it but take notice of how I'm feeling.

My feelings for Courtney are strong. But not as strong as I would like them to be. This is possibly because of my jaded attitude at this point when it comes to relationships. Because of my past relationships, especially with my ex (more on her in a minute) its hard for me to want to let all of my guards down. I'm sure she has noticed but im hoping it hasn't been too obvious. I'm no longer super lovey dovey as I once was in my 20s. Well, on second thought, maybe Courtney hasn't noticed. She probably thinks that this is just the way that I am which is ok for me. The comparisons to my ex are still lingering but luckily its not as mind numbing as it was before.

Speaking of my ex, I have definitely noticed that I haven't been having much of an urge to keep tabs on her. In fact, I've been checking out my Angel a lot more than Cece. Which is crazy when I think about it. I think im finally over Cece at this point. I've comes to terms that this woman isn't really a woman at all. She's still a little ass girl without direction, still showing her ass on instagram for attention, still overweight and gave up on trying to figure it out. It's lowkey sad. And it disgusts me thinking that I spent 3 years of my life trying to figure out how to make her want to do things to make me happy when she could've been doing this shit on her own the entire time.

Or I could've just found someone else who wanted to do this for themselves from the get go like Courtney. I dont even have to try to motivate Courtney to get active. In fact, its mainly her trying to motivate ME.
I admit, I've gained a few pounds, but im not fat, im around 168-170 which is a perfect size to build muscle on. Well shes been egging me to hit the gym with her for a few weeks now and ill finally be doing that this upcoming Friday.

Anways, yeah, Cece is becoming a long lost memory just as much as Brittane has. Funny, I can definitely see in about 5 years time, if she's still in Atlanta she'll have a kid. Its almost guaranteed at this point. I really wonder how long it'll be before I check up on her page again. At this point I have no reason or urge to because of Courtney. Everything that Cece used to do while I was with her Courtney has topped that. Even down to the way she treats Marley. Marley treats her as if she was the one I was with when I purchased him as a puppy. I often wonder does he confuse the 2 or does he know the difference between Courtney and Cece? Hmmmm.....

To make a long story short, this post was to inform my feelings about Cece right now.. and it'll probably stay that way......Well thats it for now,
I'm out

Too much too soon ...or is it?

Ok so in a weeks time, it will officially be 5 months since me and Courtney have been hanging out. And im not gonna lie, a lot of things have happened in this short amount of time. Some of it has been too early some of it has been just right but interestingly enough, I wouldn't have it either way.

So let's get down to details. We aren't technically in a relationship just yet but with the way we are with each other, you might as well say that we are. But im trying my best to stay in this mode because I remember what Mr. Locario on youtube said: "don't get in a relationship with a woman until you've properly vetted and train her into the woman you want her to be when you finally do become exclusive." And its working out just fine actually. Like all healthy relationships, we've had some really good times and some bad times. But nothing has stopped me from wanting to see her and keep her around. In fact, I'm slowly but surely dropping off all of my situations I've had prior to meeting her. No one has came around yet that oozes stability like her quite frankly and I love it. In fact, I've been keeping an eye on Angel these past few weeks and im just going to assume that she's never going to change. Her and Cece are 2 peas in a pod of you ask me. Both seem to be all over the place when it comes to what they want to do with their lives. I remember seeing Angel post about wanting to become a surrogate for couples. Which is the dumbest shit I've seen in quite a while. She has like 3 kids and doesn't mind pushing out another one for money???? Yeah im glad I kinda dodged that bullet. Smh while me and Courtney were in Florida she sent me this text saying that no matter what happens she will always love me and then send me a video of herself naked. I guess she was expecting me to respond but I didn't. Funny enough I'm sure I wasn't the only person who received that video either.🙄

She is too crazy for me. And I thought I'd be cool with the whole polygamous situation she is into but I just can't. I guess its because she is proud of what she is and what she does and doesn't mind showing it off. I seen a post on her Facebook where she has photos of all of her "partners" and im just over here thinking, had I fell victim to her and had I not met Courtney I'd probably have my face in that photo gallery. Glad I smartened up. On top of that, she gets on instagram lives basically butt ass naked and has zero problems with it. Im like wow. Smh so yeah I haven't talked or seen her in quite a while. And it'll most likely stay that way. 🤷🏾‍♂️

As far as Cece is concerned....Courtney is unknowingly making me forget about this woman with each day that passes. The last time I checked up on her she is now a esthetician. 🙄

So let me get this straight.....when i first met her, she was a singer. But that didnt work out so well so she got into drawing and selling t-shirts because she saw that I was successful at it. But that didnt work out so well for her so she got into modeling. But that didnt work out the way she wanted it so she got into photography. But that started slowing down. So she got into modeling again and being an all around slut for likes on social media. But that didnt work out so well so now she's an esthetician? 🤦🏾‍♂️ Jeez why the hell didnt I realize how much of a fuck up she was when I first got with her. And im extra curious as to why she didn't jusy move back to LA with her family after me and her broke off for the 2nd time. Like I'm genuinely confused. Well whatever the case like Brandon says, Fuck her. She's done. And its true for various reasons but one reason in particular is COURTNEY.

Ok, so like I stated before, me and Courtney have been spending quite a lot of time together. I really like this woman. So much so thats its not even about liking her anymore. Its about love. That's right LOVE. Well basically what happened is she ended up meeting my mom and the family a lot earlier than when she was supposed to. And im admit I was a little nervous but luckily everyone loves her just as much as I do. Especially my mom, which I admit is tough to impress. I learned that the hard way. But my mom really likes her, like a whole lot. I can tell. My mom was having a BBQ and I brought her over ti.meet everyone and when they first met they literally stood and talked to each other for like 20 minutes straight. I have NEVER seen my mom do that before. Not with Cece, Angel, or Brittane.

I think with Brittane she believes I was just too young to be with her so seriously. She barely even paid Angel any attention, but that's because I barely brought her around because we weren't together long enough. Cece on the other hand was just drama when she came around. I didnt see it at first but now I'm looking from the outside yeah it makes total sense. Cece's ass didnt like coming around at first because my mom would want her to help clean around the house after a big party or get together. And she just didn't like being pressured to do stuff. I dont know why I was so oblivious to that but thats exactly what it was. And I just wasn't man enough to nip that in the bud when it happened. Things eventually got better and her and my mom eventually did get a long but i could tell that the way she acted in the beginning always affected how they interacted with each other from then on out.

But Courtney is different. She aims to please and tries to make the best impression possible. We all went to the gun range a few days ago and she got all dressed up because she knew my mom would be there. And low and behold, soon as we made it in, my mom complimented her attire. Like clock work.

Even at the BBQ I made it a point to ask Courtney to make me a plate. And she obliged no problem. I'm sure that impressed my mom as well because she definitely commented on it. "Oh you making him a plate too?" Funny enough, making me a plate at a family gathering was the reason why I called Cece trash on facebook a few months ago. Im not sure who was stalking my page but she certainly found out about it. But whatever, its certainly true. And I hope she eventually grows the fuck up.
I remember our last big blow up before I found out she was cheating on me, she told me that she doesnt like thinking about me moving on to a new girl, possibly starting a family and having Marley around growing old. But ironically thats exactly whats happening. Courtney has replaced her. Even down to how Marley reacts when she comes around. I know he's a dog and their intellect only goes but so far. But I wonder if he realizes that Courtney is a much better woman than Cece could ever be. Because she certainly is. 

getting this out

Its a thought in my head that hasn't left me yet. But its there. And I know that I have to get rid of it before I make my next move with Courtney. I have this lingering feeling that I should have sex with one more girl before fully committing to Courtney. I really like Courtney, like really like her. To the point where it's turning into something else. Funny enough she practically admitted to me that she was already there. She said it under her breath but I heard her loud and clear. She's so perfect to me. I want to commit now But its too early. Way too early actually.

So after Courtney left my place to go to work I talked to another woman on the phone. She's African so she definitely has a fat ass. And she seems like she has a good head on her shoulders so far. I haven't met her yet, but I'm going to try to do this before Courtney comes over this weekend and before our vacation.

I truthfully think im having this feeling because I'm already in the mood to commit and it feels like I'm already there with her but I'm not. We already spend so much time together and its 99.9% confirmed that she has replaced whatever void my ex had on me. Every single positive thing that my ex used to do Courtney has been doing and way better at that. Its lowkey crazy actually. I wish I could express all of this to but that probably wouldn't turn out well so I'll just keep it all to myself. But yes, I just want the satisfaction of having sex with another girl a few more times before i throw in the towel and commit to Courtney. She's such a great woman and she treats me so well. I just gotta get this feeling out of me first. 

That girl from New York

Funny how things work. A few months ago My aunt passed away and we held a service out in my hometown NJ. My sisters friend came through and she seemed almost attached to me the entire service. She talked to me the most and she never left the table i was sitting at. At the time I was assuming that she was digging me but thinking about the current events that happened tonight has me changing my mind all the way. And its confirming my thoughts about Courtney even more than before....

My brother in law held a bday party at my moms house. And a lot of guests were expecting to show. Now I assumed that my sisters friend would show up I just didn't know exactly when she would. So I went on about my night like usual. Drinking, talking shit and laughing. Until she showed up. Smh

She showed up with 2 other women, im assuming they were relatives or friends. I didn't know it was her at first because we all had our masks on because of covid. Until she reached out to me for a hug. After that I tried to remain cool and act like her presence didn't effect me even though it did. She did her best to stay far away from me the entire night. We talked one more time and it was only by happenstance. And I was the first to initiate the small convo. I asked her when she was leaving (In order to see if I should make a move) she said she was leaving the next day so it was an extremely short visit. After that she walked away and continued to avoid me or my energy. Im gonna assume that she either met someone serious back home or she just completely lost interest. Whatever the case, her and her 2 companions left before everyone else. And she didn't even say goodbye. So I'm just gonna assume that whatever was about to happen earlier this year is out of the question now. I mean granted, she never really reached out after the last time we saw each other so I guess it makes sense. It just sucks becauss I was kinda looking forward to seeing her a little bit.

This just further puts a target on Courtney's back for me. Ive dealt with this feeling before so I cant say that I am 100% convinced. But for right now, the only woman that has remained consistent force in my life this year has been her. And I've met quite a few women this year too. So I'm saying now, February or March, if I'm still dealing with Courtney and I remain as confident in her as I am now, I think I'll be ready to fully commit. Because quite frankly, I'm tired of wondering if certain girls have my back. When I have a beautiful ass women who actually does and makes it known everytime she gets a chance.

When its time to get over it and change

Ok now, so this will probably be the last time I'll address my feelings towards my ex. I'm over it and its just plain and simple....its time to move on. Even with my current situation and the reminders of what once was, I have to get over it.

I've just come to the conclusion that nothing healthy will come out of this and I dont want my past to remain and hindrance for my future. So....its labor day weekend holiday and its the very last day before I have to go back to my regular work schedule. And unlike my last few labor days where I would go out wit the hopes of meeting someone new or possibly just staying home, I actually spent all weekend with Courtney. And its a great feeling spending time with someone who you know loves spending time with you just as much. We might end up having that conversation about my ex's eventually but she doesn't even remotely seem interested in thag which is intriguing because usually most girls would have asked multiple questions, multiple times about that. But it literally hasn't happened yet. But she's told me about her exs a few times. So I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

But yes, today was the day when I said fuck it. No more checking up on her. No more looking at her FB page and Instagrsm Pages. Its a wrap.

And you would think that by me saying this that something must've happened. But no, I jusy truly feel that its time to move on. Courtney had a to leave for a little bit so when she left I checked my socials and the checked my ex's. A few things.....I remember the few months when we were talking she would express that she wanted to move back to LA and I lowkey didn't want her go because I knew I probably wouldn't see her again. But it seemed pretty clear thats where things were going. I remember that all of her immediate family moved out there so I figured she'd follow suit. But after we stopped talking she only started to travel out there and come back. Im assuming because she met someone out here and that wanted her to stay. Because I remember when I was with her and that was the only reason why she didn't go back to LA. Well whatever the case, from the outside looking in, it doesn't look like she's intending to leave this city anytime soon. She got herself a new apartment. And she's living on her own. Which is pretty damn cool I can't lie. Just basing off how I remember her, she was in NO WAY responsible to have her own shit. So I cant lie, I wish we were at least on talking terms so I could tell her how proud I am but whatever......
Another thing, the ex that she somehow despised when we were together is now back in tbe picture. Well he's been in the picture for a while now so it wouldn't out it passed me that they probably rekindled things despite all the shit she used to tell me about him. Which is what she's probably doing to me DESPITE all of the good shit I did for her. Lol its crazy.
And one more thing, I'm convinced, Facebook has never been good for me and her situation. Each and everytime something shitty would happen between facebook was caught in the middle of it. So today, for the very last time, I checked her account and the post she made about getting her own place had a few comments that caught my attention.

1. Was Nekos baby mama. Not sure if she had ANYTHING to do with Neko not coming around but it wouldn't surprise me. Cece has always been a friendly talkative person and for Nekos baby mama to stick around for so long despite not having a single thing in common reveals quite a lot to me. I cant even lie.

2. Her ex, as I said before its funny how they rekindled things. Its even funnier how they rekindled things immediately after we fell out the very last time. Almost as if she reached out to HIM not the other way around. Smh

3. Lacey, a while ago me and her matched on Tinder. I sent her a message simply to see if she'd respond. She didn't. And I forgot about it. But there's something that I realized, a lot of people are really loyal to my ex despite the fact that they never really had a real friendship with her at all. Her and lacey literally never talked when we were together. In fact I always felt like Lacey and a few other girls didn't really like Cece in that way to so its weird to see them being so loyal to her. Another girl thats ridiculously loyal to her is a girl that she worked with back when we moved from lithia springs to marietta. This girl literally matched with me and even met up with me. Had a nice walk in the park, nice conversation despite asking me weird ass questions about my ex. This is where I began questioning her motives for meeting up with me....at the end of the date she even gave me one of those hugs that had me in my feelings. After the date she even started asking me sexual questions. We planned another meet up and it never happened. And this is why I've decided to not really meet up with women with the specific intention of only meeting out in public. Because damn near each time ive done it it has lead to no where at all. And I've also decided that its pointless to try and get with any girl that I've met while I was with her. Its pointless. Besides.....times are changing and life is undoubtedly moving on. Its taken me damn near 4 days to finish this journal post because my time has been occupied heavily with Courtney. She's doing everything in her power to make me forget about the past without even knowing it. And its working for the most part. Its just those extremely nagging things that come up that makes me remember what once was. But ill just have to simply get over it. Courtney treats me way better than Cece could ever do. And I plan on treating her way better than I ever treated Cece because she absolutely deserves it.

Well....im finally finished with this journal post. I'll definitely be sharing my thoughts a little more soon. 

Comparing and Contrast

So....I'm writing this because I cant sleep. Its 3 am Saturday morning. And for the first time in weeks I've had time to really think about things. Well lately I've been hanging with Courtney quite a lot. We get along so well! Its such a refreshing feeling to start something new with someone completely fresh and new. Although I have my reservations for this as well. Everytime I hang with Courtney I get this feeling of familiarity. Almost like we've been together for a long time. When honestly its only really been a month and a few days. And then it hit me, this feeling is very similar to how I felt when I was with Cece but its as if those negative aspects of that relationship were completely thrown out. Its as if the last 2 years of my relationship with Cece never happened and we have been in a extremely happy relationship. Thats literally how I feel when I'm hanging with Courtney. I even had to catch myself a few times from getting in my comfort zone. Last time we hung out I almost told her that I loved her like I used to tell Cece. I have to remind myself that the woman I'm dealing with now IS NOT Cece despite the various similarities that they both have. Even down to their names and nicknames. Its really weird and im guessing that I should be making too much of a deal about it because each time I've brought my thoughts to someone other than myself I'm usually met with "you're overreacting" 🙄 I just hate that I can't get that stupid ass woman out of my head. Courtney is doing all that she can unbeknownst to her. It just sucks that they have so many similarities. But with the similarities, there are also things that are completely different. This comes with personality types of course.

Cece is ambitious, but only for her self interest. She doesnt like pleasing people really. If anything she wants to be pleased and catered to. Even when it comes down to sex.All of this is something that I absolutely wish I wouldve noticed back when I was with her. I did notice a slight change in her behavior after I broke things off with her the first time. But the harsh/sad reality is that I wasn't the one to bring that side out of her. And Who knows who it was, but it damn sure wasn't me.

Courtney is also ambitious. She is for self but also for others. She is a people pleaser. I can tell. And boy does she have drive! More drive than any woman I've ever been with (even though were not really together yet) she is all about self improvement. So theres no dragging her to the gym or pressuring her to eat better. She does it on her own. And her body is Fantastic because of her lifestyle!

So I'm leaving another part out. So I've noticed something else. Courtney is brand new. Really fresh and I really dig her. And I've come to conclusions as to why that is. She is literally and amalgamation of all my exs put into one.

Drive and ambition like my ex Brittane
Freaky side like my ex Angel
Body and overall vibe like my ex Cece

I know I'm not supposed to be a one woman man right now given my situation of how I've altered certain things in my life to be multiple women friendly but she definitely has me considering my options. Its only been a month and some days.....but we ALREADY have a trip planned at the end of this month. Now I usually wouldn't want to move this fast with someone I just started dating but I just feel this deep intense connection to her. Now that I think about it, the last time I went anywhere out of town with a woman without family being involved in anyway was with Brittane. This is because she had the drive and ambition to make moves. In fact she initiated the thought about the trip and even drove there herself the entire time. Cece definitely didn't have any of that drive nor ambition. Possibly because she was 4 years younger than me and just couldn't handle being with an older man. I dont recall her ever bringing up the fact that she'd like a getaway. Could possibly be that she was waiting for me to come up with the idea. Either way that was a shitty situation to be in now that i look back. Brittane and Courtney are my age and had great working positions. And they dont really look to me for guidance all the time which is something I respect now that I'm older. Its really interesting comparing and contrasting how different but simular these women are.

I'm just praying and wishing for the best of me and Courtney's future. I really enjoy her energy and it feels weird af when I dont see her after a certain amount of days. And I dont think that it has anything to do with sex. Even though her sex is Fantastic! I just really enjoy being around her.

Ok let me stop being all gushy and get my day started. Lol

An interesting concept 8/1/2020

So its been quite a while since I've updated this. And a lot of things have happened Since the last post on here.

Its been a full year so we have a lot to catch up on. So let's start with sections

Girls
Art
Life

Girls:
Girls have been one of the main focal points for me this year. Just improving myself while talking to women is such an exciting experience. Unfortunately I haven't been able to do much approaching because of certain life events but we'll get to that later. As of late of been using Tinder, Facebook Dating, and OKcupid to get dates. Lately, most of them have come from Facebook dating. I've met some interesting women over the past year. Some of them worked out and we got along lovely. Some of them tanked and we were at odds from the jump. All in all it was just a chance for me to get back into the game for real this time. I've had a hankering to get my ex out of my mind. Yes...she is still there drifting in my mind. But things are different now. 😊 It all happened a few months ago, I was going through it emotionally. I kept wondering to myself why is it that I can't find a woman that liked me as much as my ex did. Like when she was deeply infatuated with me. I kept coming across women who either gave off a weird vibe from the jump or they seemed as if they were interested in me and then quickly stopped being interested shortly after. This obviously shot my confidence a lot but I still tried to maintain a high level of confidence regardless. So I kept talking to different women. All while stalking my ex (Cece) instagram profile. And to be honest, I almost don't recognize her anymore. She looks different. And not in a good way. She just looks tainted. Maybe its because I've spent the better part of 2 years imagining all the sick shit she did behind my back while we were together, or maybe its all of the crazy shit she has gotten into since we've went our separate ways. Like I'm sure she definitely had sex with that bitch ass nigga Showout and the fact that she was on a dating show on tv and publicly embarrassed herself. And im ashamed to admit that I felt second hand embarrasment just for the simple fact that I actually dated her seriously without knowing her true nature.....but its none of my business no matter how I feel about it. And come to find out she's been stalking me as well, either that or she has a mule account stalking me. As I said something on my page insinuating that she was a trash girlfriend and she ended up posting about it on her page. So clearly she spies on me. Makes me wonder if she knows about this next part....

So I get a random text from another ex....
Angel....aparantly she moved back to Atlanta for a little while and wanted to hang out. We hang out and for most of the time it's just an all around sex fest. The first time we hung out she spent the night and we had sex all night long. I was extremely happy. Not because I was with a woman and we were having fun all night. But because for the first time I finally was able to get my ex off of my mind and I was able to enjoy myself with another ex that clearly still loves me very much. I love her but I don't think its the same way that she loves me. Truthfully I want to be with her but she just has so much baggage that I don't think it would work in the long run. The only time my ex crossed my mind is when I began comparing how I felt in public areas and in my bed with Angel vs. with her. And it was different. Me and Angel have an interesting relationship. And I hope it doesn't change.......

Then...something happened. And it was fairly recent actually. I dont know why I'm feeling these things but I'm feeling them and they won't go away no matter how hard I try to bury them.

So...even though I'm enjoying myself with Angel....the void that I'm trying to place her in just isn't enough. I still found myself having urges to stalk her social media accounts and acting upon those urges. I still sometimes feel this massive hole in my heart and truthfully cece took it from me. All of the women ive been in contact with just couldn't come close to what that woman used to bring to the table as far as attachment and emotions were concerned. That is..until I met another women recently by the name of Courtney.....

Truthfully it seems like this woman fell from the sky. I can't lie, just a week or so ago I was in my car talking to my self conscious, questioning myself as to why I couldn't find a woman to fill that void? Why I couldn't find a woman to make me forget about Cece? Why I couldn't find a woman that was infatuated with me like Angel was infatuated with me?

It was a late week day night and I was just winding down on the day for art. I get a text, and it was from Courtney. She said she wanted to see me even if it was for only 10 minutes. I obliged. It was 11 at night and I had to be up at my day job for 5 am so I wasn't trying to stay up too late. She showed up and did exactly what she said she'd do. When she walked in, I couldnt help but notice her body. She has this perfect pear shape where most of her shape is on her ass and thighs. So immediately I began to smile. I didn't expect much because she wasn't gonna be around for long. But she walked in and saw my new art banner and was immediately drawn to it. She was commenting on all of the characters. She barely made eye contact with me but it was fine because I was studying her body. I couldn't help it. She left after the 10 minutes was up but not before I got a hug and my hands made their way to her soft jiggly ass. Most girls would awkwardly laugh and remove my hands but she let me grab and continue to grab. I also got a disturbing revelation that night. And now things have gone into over drive. During that 10 minutes of her chilling with me she revealed a nickname that her coworkers and friends call her for short. Cocochanel or CECE 😮 if my subconscious mind had a face, that is the exact face it made when she revealed that. But there's more!

A few days later we scheduled another chill session which ended up being much more than a session. It became an overnight thing. And that night revealeved quite a lot of intell. The night instantly brought me back to how me and my ex were before we had the serious falling out. We got drinks she brought weed and we had a fantastic time smoking, talking, having sex, watching TV and drinking. The night went so well that she called out of her job and spent the night. It got to a point where she was sitting on the edge of my bed in her bra and panties while we were talking about issues going on in the world I just couldn't help but tell her how sexy she is. Yes, this woman is gorgeous. In fact she looks better than my ex in every way possible. Its just the vibe that feels intensely simular. She even interacts with Marley and Brandon the exact same as my ex would so I cant lie I get a sense of nostalgia when she does that. I'm not sure how to feel about it though because its not like we've known each other for a long time but my emotions are so intense for this woman. So intense in fact that I try my best to hold back as much as i can because I dont want to scare her away. Its just super weird how this woman is everything I wanted my ex to be while we were together. Like she will sit and play smash bros with me and actually try to learn instead of complaining that I'm loud while playing. She doesn't have any tattoos although she has piercings. She is in shape and watches what she eats. And so much more. I caught myself about to call her Cece a couple of times but I just can't. So I've resorted to calling her baby or babe. And even then that feels eerily familiar to when I was with Cece. It's so crazy how that woman has this much if an effect of my 3 1/2 years after I've stopped dealing with her. Smh well im not entirely sure how this is going to go with Courtney but I'm enjoying my time i have with her for sure. That woman is beyond sexy. Like BEYOND SEXY.

Well that's all for now. This thing has went on long enough. Part 2 coming soon 

The Publix Massacre

Man yesterday did not go as planned AT ALL and unfortunately I learned that I am soooo not prepared for the game like I thought I was.

I spent almost all day in the house because i thought Brandon would come straight from work to my house and then we'd go out and see if we could find some chicks. But because we're both broke we sat around contemplating until we finally decided to leave the house. We were originally planning on going to the rec center because they were throwing a festival there. But we got there too late everyone was leaving when we pulled up. So we turned around and I accidentally got in the turning lane towards a grocery store close by. I feel like shit like this happens because of destiny because this happened all too quickly. I knew Brandon wouldn't approach any chicks if had we seen any I the grocery store so it was all on me.

The minute we walked inside I spotted this girl in the cookie and candy isle. Now had I been on my game 100% then I probably wouldn't have gotten her information but I would've been proud of my approach. But I was 50% because I just wasn't prepared. I walked around the store at first just to see if there were any other girls around. I messed up because I should've just walked up fo her first but I hesitated. Because of this, when I finally did approach I completely fucked it up.

I have this really bad habit of telling myself not to do something during an interaction and then end up doing it anyway. It's like my mind goes blank and I cant think of the right shit to say. And when I tell you that this woman was gorgeous I am not exaggerating. Nice dark skin and the prettiest smile I have ever seen. The funny thing is I didnt stutter nor did I lose my breath while talking to her. But I made things awkward right from the jump by trying to shake her hand the minute I introduced myself. Shouldn't have done that smh.

Then after that happened I asked her where she was from. Shouldn't have done that either. Simply because i really didn't care about that, I just wanted to keep the conversation going. And she could tell. Because after that I finally asked what she was doing tonight. And she gave me the dull answer of working. The minute she told me this my mind went completely blank. Couldn't think of anything else to say other than "we should link" she looked at me, giggled and said no thank you.

That was a first.

Now granted I've approached plenty of women in my time but I've never gotten rejected like that before. Usually they just lie and say that they have a boyfriend. But she didnt. Which makes this a bit worse. In my opinion, she basically told me that she wasnt interested in me at all. Which was cool but I just wasnt expecting that. I have a feeling if my game was on point I probably could've gotten her. But it's so far from being on point right now.

What keeps bugging me about this situation is that if I had studied my material of what to say to a girl to get the information I need before I left then the interaction would've went a whole lot smoother. Kinda like the bartender waitress who rejected me at the Boogolou bar last week. She was one of the baddest in the club but I waved at her to come to me and she did. Told her that she was fine as hell and would like to see her when she got off work And she told me she had a boyfriend. So I can only assume when chicks tell me they have significant others then they are in no way interested. But if a girl just out right rejects me then I probably would've had a chance if I came correctly.

This just proves that all of the shit I talk will go no where if I cant figure out how to do this correctly. I know I'll probably see a woman finer than her as early as next week but I cant help but think I completely ruined my chances with this dime. Because on the grand scale I definitely would've gave her a 20 out of 30 for sure.

But again, the signs were there and the body language shut down immediately after I tried to shake her hand. And I noticed that shit happens damn near everytime I attempt that so I cannot figure out why that shit seems engrained in my head. That and asking a chick where she is from. Both of those ruin a interaction almost everytime. So now I'm going to promise myself never to so those 2 things when interacting with a woman ever again.

It would've just been so simple if I had just gone with the plan in my notes.

Ironically I'm over here thinking about a girl that probably forgot about me 5 minutes after I walked away from her. It's so crazy how different men are from women. If I let it, I could go on and think about this situation for months and let it ruin my chances with other women. Not saying that I will it's just the reality of it. Women have it better when it comes to accepting or not accepting a mate. But we have it good too because we have a choice to approach and they don't they are all too scared to.

Anyway, I'm rambling at this point because I'm pissed. Oh and did I forget to mention that its 7 in the morning right now? Yeah this chick was on my mind so much that I woke up 3 hours earlier than I usually do on Sundays just so I can jot down my experience.....smh

So in the end, I really need to pay attention and think more critically when I approach my next chick. Because I cant keep going through this. And Summer is just around the corner smh

Updates I guess

Its 1 in the morning and I wanted to make an update since it's been a while since the last one.

Not much has changed since the last entry but I was to take this time to reflect on things...

Lately I've been pushing myself to get out of the house a lot more often. I mean the weather is damn near perfect almost everyday so I try to get out when I can. Because if this, I am approaching a lot more women. Unfortunately I haven't had any luck with a single one that I approached. Partly because I'm still new to it and partly because I still have a lot to learn. Because of this, I did what said I would do eventually when I had the money. And that's subscribe to Mr. Locarios membership. I mean, I haven been listening to his content off and on for about 7 years now so it was only right. 🤷🏽‍♂️

And there is soooo much content to take in! I counted 23 videos so far that I need to listen to. And each video is around 40 to 50 minutes long. So there is a lot of information here. And its needed. Big time. I've been struggling with getting women attracted to me over and over again and I'm finally beginning to learn some new things that I never knew were part of the game. So my plan is to take whatever content I need from the membership and cancel it before the second payment. This way, I will always have his premium game content to listen and study for as long as I can.

Because again, i definitely needed the help. I'm growing extremely tired and impatient with this even though i shouldn't be.

I keep seeing all of these super attractive women in person and online when I'm browsing Instagram locations. Its mind boggling just how many beautiful are in Atlanta let alone how many beautiful women are just outside my doorstep. It just bugs me down that everytime I shoot my shot I get turned down. Makes me wonder am I shooting too high? What is it about these other guys that they are getting with that they arent seeing in me? Man, I really wish I had a super attractive female friend who could help me out with this. I really want to know what women think when they see me.

I dont care if they think I'm ugly or attractive because that isn't what I'm looking for, I'm looking for the women who find me sexually arousing and irresistible. Those are the women I need to find insights on.

As I reflect on all the women of my past, they were all attractive in their own rights but deep down I have always settled. I have always settled for the women who find me crazy attractive but I've never been crazy attracted to any of them to be honest. And furthermore, they were all women I met online, which makes things even worse! Like my ex for instance, I still find myself checking her profiles out every now and then even though I shouldn't.

And I admit, even though it sucks, she is definitely a lot more attractive then she ever was when she was with me. The issue always stands that she just didnt value me enough when we were together. She just didnt care because she figured that I would always be there. And in actuality, I probably would've if she would've never cheated. But that's bot the point I'm trying to make....even though shes more attractive now than shes ever been before, shes still the same girl, nothings changed much.
And it's funny when I think about it, I spent 5 and half years of my life dealing with a woman who I should've known would turn out that way.

I began going to clubs by myself again. Last time I attempted this, it was freezing, I had dreads, and my teeth were insane. Needlees to say, I was uncomfortable and I felt out of place. Probably why that one girl who I briefly chatted with has ignored me and blocked me at every chance she could get. Whatever....

But now when I go alone, its not as bad because I'm the complete opposite of what I just stated in the previous paragraph. And I often go out with a mission. Unfortunately the mission are failures most of the time but at least I find a way to get out. Speaking of the club scene and even day game, I've noticed that most of the women look a million times better than my ex anyways. So all it takes is for me to get with one of them to make me completely forget about her. Because I'm not going to lie, i hate it when i think about her sometimes. It's not because of her, its just the thought of how much time I wasted and how eager I was to get back on track right before we broke up. Or just how eager and stupid I was to think it really took 3 years for her to attempt to lose 15 pounds.

I'm sook happy I dont have to deal with that guilt anymore. And that's for both parties. I shouldn't have to deal with guilt of pressuring someone to change when they don't want to. And I shouldn't have to deal with the guilt of constantly comparing her to other girls.

I set her free from all of that bullshit and I hope she meets someone that will make her happy and is happy for her just the way she is. I'm not and never will be. I feel like my fat girl goggles magically fell off when me her were in year 3 of our relationship. And that's when it all went downhill from there.

I say all of that to say this (because this is getting long)

For the first time in quite a while I fan definitely say i am content with the single life right now. Even though I'm not having much luck with the ladies, I am definitely learning more and more things about myself. And eventually I'll begin to see the results that I've been working so hard for. 💪🏽