The Irony

Couple of things that I needed to jot down. Yeah its a early post but screw it.

Last night I found a new dating coach with some stellar advice. He speaks the complete opposite of what others are stating about how men should act towards women. One would be to talk more and text less. So I said fuck it, let me call this chick up(my crush) and see if things would change. I called, and she didn't pick up. Nor did I get a text telling me that she was busy or a call back. Just radio fucking silence.

So at this point its clear to me. This girl just wasn't feeling me. I wanted to believe  Like I REALLY wanted to believe the opposite but all of the signs are there. So I have to fall back. All the way back. I need to delete her number in my phone and pretend I never had it in the first place. And chances are, I wont hear from her anyways.

It's Ironic how this is going though. Me and her matched on Tinder. Unbeknownst to me she also has an account on Okcupid. I wouldn't be surprised if I discover that she has a account on POF too. So she is clearly looking for something.

I guess I'm just not it.

I love how on her profile she claim's that she's tired of being single and looking for something serious. But yet here I am, actively interested, and she's playing me like a fiddle. Really fucking ironic.......I honestly should've guessed what was up on New Years eve when we were supposed to meet up. She was going to leave me out in the cold all fucking night without even telling me that she wasn't coming. I had to contact HER to get the confirmation. smh

Part of me wants to give up on online dating and just wait till the weather warms up so I can go back out in the field. Another part of me wants to keep searching and hoping to find at least one cool chick to be around. Unfortunately I'm just not sure if that will happen with what I'm currently doing right now. So I think I'm going to elect to not even fuck with Okcupid or POF any more. Tinder is slowly but surely going to be in that pathway too. Oh and funny thing about Tinder, I'm finding myself matching with all types of girls who don't even live in the area let alone the state I'm in. And if I do match with a girl who lives in the area its always a single mother. I'm not even giving girls like this the time of day. Especially what happened with the last bitch. It's like girls online who happen to live in Atlanta are repulsed by me or something. So it just may be time to give up on online dating sites for good.

I'm really taking all of this as a lesson learned quite frankly. Just 6 months ago I was in a relationship but I wasn't particularly happy. I'm quickly realizing that maybe I took things for granted in one of the worst ways. I have her back as a friend but I really wish I could turn back time and fix things so I wouldn't have to worry about who I'm dating next or who she's dating next.

I really thought I was missing out on something out here, come to find out, I really wasn't.......

Next post will be about my art unless something interesting happens that I just have to jot down...

Awakening

This is rare, but I just  woke up and just had to jot this down.

Today I feel different.  For a couple of reasons.

Last night was strange but it opened my eyes to just exactly what the hell I've been thinking but I couldn't bring myself to explain it or even express it out in the open.

I took the plunge and let my ex come over. I was nervous as hell at first but the minute she walked in, everything just felt like it did 4 months ago before we separated. It was almost like we never broke up. I dont know how to describe the feelings I was having last night, and it may be premature but I'm starting to feel like we were meant to be together.  Not saying that we are but the connection was obviously still there and I guarantee that she's feeling the exact same way right now.

Apparently she's into to tarot cards and giving readings now. We've always been the spiritual hippie couple but part of me was a bit skeptical when I found out she was giving readings.

This all changed when she gave me a few readings.....

The first reading was about the rest of this year. And it was pretty freaking strange how accurate it was. I've never told her much about my first ex that kinda broke me when I was 19-21 years old. So there's no way in hell that she would've known that her sign was a capricorn. But it turns out that the Capricorn devil card was the main card she pulled for my 2018 year. She said that the spirits were telling her that this person did something to me that I haven't been able to let go. Which is correct however I'm not entirely sure what that "something" could be. I suggested maybe how much of a role reversal things were from that relationship to this one. She said that may just be it. But in still not sure. Mayne that's something that I'll have to worry about some time further down the line.

There was another reading, basically stating that I'm not taking care of myself like I should and its because in focusing so much on my art (Yes I'm still an artist, and soon as I get out of this funk, I'll go on to talking about this in future posts.) I agree that I have been focusing on my art a lot and it maybe time to take a breather for myself. I remember there was one point where I would skip out on an entire day and not even touch my tablet. It's been a while since I've done that.

She then expressed to me that she's done a few readings for herself and everything always pointed back to me. The spirits around her keeps pointing to me as her soulmate. She even revealed her reading to me through a picture on her phone and my name was on one of the cards.  That was kinda creepy. Me 5 years ago wouldn't have believed this, but I'm a true believer of spirits and the unknown now.

We then hung out for around 5 hours talking about everything from how much we've learned and grown since our breakup, what went wrong in our relationship, what we could've done better, what we are looking to become on the future.  All of that. I honestly wasn't expecting her to stay as long as she did, and she wasn't expecting it either but I guess I made her super comfortable to the point where I bet she felt like we never broke up. She clearly still loves me with all of her heart and I love her too. She gave me a hug and I'm not going to lie, o really wanted to kiss her but I know that would seriously confuse things and ruin things for the both of us right now.

We are still in our changing and growing stages. Any type of intimacy would ruin everything. So as much as I wanted to make out and possibly have sex, I kept my composure and distance. I did express that I love her still. That shit will never go away. We both made a deal that if we both don't find anyone, have kids, or get married within 5 years time then we are going to get back together. Honestly by that time we'd be totally different individuals. However I really don't know how we'd continue to remain friends if we do end up finding someone new. Things could get super sticky. I may need to ask her how she feels about that next time we hang out. Yes, there will be a next time. I can feel it..

As far as the other "women" in my life: I say that because they are all little girls in my book.  None of them really know what they want and they play stupid fucking games all day. There was this girl I was supposed to go out with after my ex went home. We were supposed to meet up at a bar downtown but things would be hectic with traffic and road closures so I told her that we should go with the original plan and she meet me closer to where I stay. She said ok because she would be in Austell most of the night. Which was cool because Austell is like 15 minutes away from my city.  Come to find out the bitch was lying and she ended up all the way in Douglasville.  There was no way I was going to drive all the way out there to see her and whomever she was out with so I told her to meet me when she gets back to Austell.  She told me ok. 2 hours go by and I haven't heard from her. So I texted her asking if she was still coming.  She said that she was still at the restaurant in Douglasville. Now at this point I'm pissed, not only did you just totally disregard what we had planned but you totally disrespected my time. If my ex didn't come over I would've been on a whole other level of angry.  I mean I wasn't particularly excited to see her anyway because she has 2 kids so I wasn't going to do anything but try to get some sex but still the fact that she totally disrespected my time really ticked me off. So I deleted her number to stop me from double texting her. And I already know how this is going to go, I won't hear from her again because she knows how fucked up she was being so shed be too ashamed to hit me up letting me know how sorry she was. That's how "women" out here are these days. They all are fucking out of their minds. It's just another sign that I really shouldn't focus on them right now because nothing ever comes out right when I do. Really making me miss my ex smh.

Lost part 2

Man, if only I could smoke again. Because then I wouldnt be so much in my head.

I dont want this blog to be a place where I express my sad thoughts all of the time and I promise this won't last forever but I'm really starting to feel down on myself. 

I dont know if it's the weather or maybe I'm just lonely as fuck but I'm just not in a happy space right now.  And the main culprit are the women im trying to date.

Every girl I'm even remotely interested in, seems like they aren't interested in me. They play games, don't text back, or don't text at all. Another one that I really thought was into me hasn't contacted me since Christmas.  She was a cool chick to be around. Physically, she wouldn't be my first choice but I really dug her personality. So much so that I decided to meet up with her twice. We went to the movies on our second date.  Kissed a few times so I figure that I was in the bag. Apparently I was wrong.

After our last date, I was expecting to see her fairly soon.  I have a rule where I dont take a chick out again after the second date unless we have sex. I was incredibly confident that sex would happen. But it didn't. A week goes by and she finally texts me saying that she was bored. I tell her to come by. She says that it's too far. Mind you, her ass had no problem coming to see me on our first date. So why the change? Needless to say she never showed up. I haven't seen or heard from her since.  I'm just trying to figure out why the hell does this keep happening to me? I meet a chick, we go out on a date and hit it off. She pursues me. I pursue back. sometimes a second date happens, and then things fizzle out.

Most of the time second dates don't even happen. It fizzles out somewhere between the time after the first date and the setting up of the second date. This shit happens every single time. I'm getting to the point now where I dont even wanna ask a girl out anymore. If they aren't cooperating from jump then theres no point. And im sooo sick of spending money on these chicks who "don't like me like that".  

The ones who do like me are the ones I'd rather not. Fats girls and baby mamas seem to be all that I attract. I might be going out with one girl tommorow but shes a fucking single mom with 2 kids.  She's pretty as hell and all I want to do is have sex. Nothing less, nothing more so im thinking of letting that be known if we go out. I'm tired of beating around the bush with these women. If a chick can't get with my program then she can fucking kick rocks.

Im starting to wish I could just rewind time and fix somethings before life broke shit up.  Because what im learning from this shit is that these girls are extremely fickle out here in this city.  And I'm working hard to figure them out but nothing I'm doing seems to be working.

Lost

Man.....i don't even know where to start.

I shot myself in the foot a couple of times this week. Basically, it just has not been my week.

First things first, I think I'm going to be forced to find a full time job somewhere. Because if not, I'll either be homeless or forced to live back home. And I would rather not take either side. This is because I don't make enough money according to the leasing office of the the apartments where I stay. So I couldn't resign a lease with only my name on it. So I shot my self in the foot and contacted my ex. I practically had to be her to resign it with me. But she wants her name off by April. So I have to find a real job quickly.  I have no idea how Im going to do that honestly.

Because of this favor, I told her that I wouldn't mind being her friend again. Shot myself in the foot again....I mean, don't get me wrong. I do miss her, and at times it does get lonely around here. But this is all happening too fast and prematurely. I'm not sure how all of this is gonna go, but i know how it isn't.  I'm standing firm on that we are not going to get back together. I have a feeling that she may try, but it's not happening.

I shot myself in the foot once more. I should have crazy holes in my feet right now smh. I contacted my crush. As much as I didn't want to, my urge couldn't help it. She responded back 5 minutes later. I tried to set something up but as expected, she was giving me the complete run around. Telling me that she has to work and she'll be busy. This is when I should've stopped responding but I kept trying to make something work. I told her that I wanted to see her and she told me that she wanted to see me. I responded back with "let's make it happen then lol" and she responded back with A simple "ok". I didnt text back and neither did she. This happened 2 days ago. I haven't heard from her since. Meaning that she just isnt interested as I thought she was. Which really fucking sucks because I really thought she was. All the fucking signs were there. Our first date went by smooth and she kept complimenting me.

I just can't figure these girls out man. All of the dating advice I'm taking from these dating coaches online and none of it's working. I keep dealing with girls that I dont want. And they make everything so easy. If they want to see me, they make it happen. None of this wishy washy flaky stuff. But the girls that  I do want, seem to want nothing to do with me. Always flaking, acting distant, slow texting. All that shit. Some chick gave me her number just yesterday. I texted her, and she didn't even respond. And I know chicks keep their phones on them at all times so I know the bitch saw my message.

Ugh!  I really can't figure it out. What the fuck am I missing that these other guys who are successful with women have? It's like everywhere I turn I keep hearing how there are so many beautiful women down here who are single and actively looking. Then why the fuck am I having such bad luck? Shit is ridiculous.....

Random thought

So its the end of New Years day. Just as I thought, I didnt hear a peep from my crush. Not sure if she'll contact me again. But I'm trying my hardest not to contact her. Even though shes been rocking my brain all day. But every single dating and life coach that I follow seems to express the same idea. Let them chase after you. And if they dont, then they just wasnt that into you.  I hate to say it, but i kinda know this first hand now. I've been with 2 women intimately since I broke things off with my ex. Both women chased me. I almost never had to get in contact with them first. Granted, I'm not entirely attracted to them a whole lot anyway but their actions speak truth to power.  So I guess I just need to wait it out. But still continue to talk to more women.  Now I need to figure out how to switch things uo because I am really tired of taking these girls out for drinks and conversation but can barely see them again even after they say they want to see me again. Its almost like the have a change of heart a week aftwr the date or something.  This shit keeps happening over and over again. The way things are going I feel like I have to talk to like 30 girls at a time just to get at least 3 of them into me to the point where they are chasing me. OMG I cannot wait till the weather warms up because this shit sucks right now for dating.

On another note, there is something fishy going on with a past classmate of mine. I keep getting this weird feeling that she may be talking shit about me behind my back or something. We have not talked at all seriously since like middle school. We never talked in highschool so I'm unsure where all this is coming from but its sooo fucking weird. I admit i did try to request her as a friend on Facebook just to see if I could get with her. I mean she is cute as hell and she knows me, not like I'm some kind if stranger. But she never accepted it which is weird as hell. So I chalked it up as a loss and moved on.

Until today....

A girl on Tinder swiped right on my profile last month. She then followed my Instagram and started liking a few of my pictures. We began chatting for a minute and then she just stopped talking out of no where. She was gorgeous, so I made the mistake of writing back twice to see what was going on. She still never responded.  I didnt think nothing of it until tonight.  I never deleted our convo so I looked through it to see if I had did or said anything wrong to make her stop talking. But nope, I didnt. So I took the liberty of looking through her IG pictures. And low and behold, shes friends with the old classmate! And they are close. Like really close. Shes also close with another old classmate of mine who has also been giving off really weird vibes as well.  I dont want to seem like I'm being paranoid but shit can you blame me? Something strange is going on with that whole situation.  Its almost like they all got together and talked about me.  Probably telling ol girl not to talk to me for whatever strange reason. I guess I'll probably never get to the bottom of it, so I may as well stop thinking about it so much. Its 2018, time to stop thinking about the past.

New Years Massacre

Man last night could not have been any worse. I don't understand  it. I feel like someone is trying to tell me something. 

I'm 28. Very far from my 21 year old self. So things that were fun for me when I was 21, just isn't fun to me now. For the entire month of December,  I developed a habit of going out into the Atl  nightlife alone. Partly because I really want to give night game a try and also because I'm tired of being home alone all the time. But honestly, whats the difference of being home alone and being completely alone while you're out?

Theres really not that big of a difference. At all. I've come to the conclusion that night clubs just aren't for me. I cant keep forcing myself to see whats out there when I feel like an outcast soon as I step foot in the place. Years ago when I was 21-23,  I had friends. A lot of friends. And we went out a lot. But those same friends are either in long term relationships, they dont live in Atl anymore, or we just aren't friends anymore. So the comfort zone of going out with a group is now lost. Hell I can barely go out with one other person these days .

I feel like in my past relationship with my ex,  I may have lost myself. I've become a shell of the man I used to be. I am completely convinced that my introverted personality has returned to me and my extroverted personality drifted away while I was with my ex.

So lets fast forward to last night. I went out and I REALLY shouldn't have.

A girl that I previously took out earlier in the week agreed to see me again for New Years eve. I really like this girl. Like everything about her so far is what I'd imagine someone I'd marry would look like and act like. I mean granted I've only met her once and she could turn out to be a total pain but still.

Anyways, the plan was that she'd meet me at this particular club after she left the concert she planned to go to. She told me that she would leave early, just to see me. Now in my mind, I was ecstatic.  A girl liked me so much in our first meeting that she was willing to cut out some of her plans just to see me. I immediately began daydreaming about just how epic the night was going to go.

Big mistake.

I get to the club. And immediately walk to the bar. Spent 12 dollars on 2 drinks just to get my mind right. After the second drink I started to loosen up. I started feeling like my 21 year old self again. So I waited patiently for an attractive girl to come in the club. A girl did come but she came with 2 other friends, I approached and she blew me off. I then tried to talk to her friends but her friends clearly did not want to talk to me either so I just walked off. I know when I'm not wanted. So i then walked around aimlessly for around 20 minutes. Regressed to my introverted ways and became a wallflower. Waited a bit longer for another cutie to come in the club.  Another one did. But this time it was her and another girl. Some guy stepped to one so i figured that this was my cue. I stepped to her and asked to dance. She looked at me with pure disgust and shook her head. I walk away and 6 minutes later I see her dancing with a dude looking very similar to the way that I look.

Now I'm looking at myself like what the fuck is going on? Im seriously not used to this much rejection. I've went out to multiple places in December and each time I approached a girl I liked i was rejected before i could even introduce myself. So now I'm pissed and it was probably written all over my face.  But I tried to keep things cool. I walked off and became a wallflower again. Checking my phone every 5 minutes to see if this girl texted me letting me know she was on her way. I did get a text.  But it wasnt from her. It was from my ex. She was basically wishing me a Happy New Year and telling me that she loved me. Now being that my emotions were extremely high at the moment i kept thinking to myself "what the fuck am I doing? Why am I here in this loud ass environment with all these strangers who couldn't care less if i existed or not?" I know I shouldn't have, but I texted her back saying that I love her too. Maybe i was thinking that I would get a response, I never did. But in the back of my mind I kept thinking, "This bitch never even called me on my birthday, why the fuck is she texting me now?" So I put my phone in my pocket and walked around for another 15 minutes before the clock struck 12. By this time I was EXTREMELY upset. Not only did all this bullshit happen tonight, but the one thing I anticipated with the girl that was supposed to meet me didnt even go as planned. Sparks were supposed to fly when that clock struck 12. I wanted to go into the New Year with a girl I really liked. Maybe we would've kissed and danced the night away. Maybe not. I wouldnt have cared, as long as I had somebody to interact with.

So I took action, I gave up and texted her asking her if she was still going to show up. 5 minutes later she texted me saying that she isn't coming because of traffic. I was flabbergasted and disgusted. All this time I spent in this rotten ass club, is the same time I couldve spent home. Probably finishing off my comic book. Alone and away from everyone, I immediately left the club, got in my car and drove home.

I really cant understand why things just isnt working out for me right now. Every girl I'm heavily interested in just isnt that invested in me and my value. I really like this girl too. But my pride wont let me make the first move to get in contact with her again. Hopefully she'll realize that she messed up and get in contact with me. But if not, she'll just be another random ass number on my call log.

I really wish last night was a better night. What a perfect way to start off my 2018. 😔

2018 and beyond

Its funny how the universe works.

I haven't updated this blog in a about a year and many things have happened since. I have these thoughts in my head and i think the only way to get them out is to get them written, typed, or illustrated somewhere. So this is now my outlet again. I went ahead a deleted the old blogs because there were a few thoughts that I just couldnt see myself keeping out in the open any longer. But for those who have read them just know that somethings have turned for the better and somethings have turned for the worst.

Me and my now ex girlfriend split 9 days before our 5 year anniversary.  I know right? I cant believe I stuck around that long either. Its funny because i was finally starting to become happy again. Kinda crazy how the year that we spent together where I was actually happy to be with her was the year that we split.

But what she did was the final straw. The final nail in the coffin. Around the time I got the position at the warehouse she was secretly talking to some clown she had a crush on from highschool. I didnt think nothing of it because I didnt think she'd take things further but she actually did. But I'll get into that in a moment.

I quit working in the warehouse cold turkey to pursue my talent in art further and full time.  I was starting to notice an influx of clientele from my instagram and other sites and realized that I'd be able to make just enough in commission revenue to pay off my half of the bills. But this in turn, meant that I'd have less time for leisure and fun. I'd have to spend most of my time making my quotas for each month. I understood the process and I was willing to make the sacrifice. Because every body's gotta start off somewhere right?  This also meant that i would be spending less time with her. And I thought she understood this. But i thought wrong.

So instead of voicing her opinion like a grown woman, she thought it would be cool to sneak talk  and eventually meet up with this guy on Facebook. I knew all of this before hand because she was using my laptop to talk to him sometimes. What hurt me the most is that she had him pick her up at our place where we lived.  So its difficult to even believe that this was the only time this has ever happened.  Like why was she so comfortable doing that? Not only that, but I was actually home at the time this all went down. I was soo angry. I honestly cant remember any other time I was so upset. When she got home I played stupid for a little while  and was lied to about 4 times before I confronted her. She  couldnt do anything but have a dumbfounded look on her face because im guessing she never thought I'd find out. I'm guessing she knew what was coming next. I ended things with her. That was a level of disrespect I have never in my life felt before. Well at least not first hand. I've been dealt a shitty hand by women before but it was never this bad or this "in my face". So I had to do it.

Before I deleted the old  blog posts, I read them just to see where my mind was at back then. Admittedly, I giggled a few times because of how many things I spoke back then actually came true. May not have been verbatim but Life has a funny way of showing you the cause and effect of certain outcomes before you are even ready to deal with them. I even stated that i wouldnt be surprised if I was single by the time I'm 28. And low and behold, albeit, it kind of wasnt my call to make this time.

She has contacted me a few times after the break up. Each time I responded with colder and colder texts. The last time she contacted me was when I finally reached the 10k milestone on Instagram. Which is kinda ironic given the fact that we broke up because I was so focused on achieving that goal. 2017 is now coming to a close. Christmas passed. My 28th birthday passed. I wasnt contacted by her on either of those days. So I figure she may be 100% done with me and has finally moved on. I'm not going to lie, as much as she has hurt me I was pretty anxious to see if she would call or at least text me on my birthday. I honestly probably would've caved in and let her come over so we could talk and be cordial. But it never happened. So I'm forced to move on and date around just as much as she is.

Regretfully I must say the dating scene in 2017-2018 is much different than it was in 2010-2012. It seems that girls are much more flaky and wishy washy these days. They dont seem to know what they want out of the guys that actively pursue them. Or if they even want the guys to pursue them at all.....

man, before i go on a extra long rant about that, let me go ahead and end this here.....lol