Smack my past self

Ok...so its been a few weeks since I last made an entry. There hasnt been any major events going down in my life that I need to immediately break down so right now this entry is more of a time to reflect.

I was feeling a bit nostalgic so I wanted to dig deep and look at my old physical journals from highschool and college. I actually haven't touched any of these books in years. Probably a little bit before I moved in with my ex from my last relationship. So its been quite a while. Some of these books are falling apart on the low, but luckily i can still make out what i wrote in most of them. I started out at 9th grade and I've moved my way up to reading events that occurred in Junior year. From 9th to 11th, Its crazy how focused I was on one particular girl back then, her name was Cecilia and just from reading all of those journal entries it is heavily important to note how much of a loser mindset i had. I was so deathly afraid to talk to that girl and I would bribe or beg my friends to talk to her for me. Its mind boggling knowing that I spent the entire first half of my highschool life being obsessed with her. So much so that I immediately ignored all of the girls who did show signs of interest in me. And boy, all of my friends basically shit all over me for it until 11th grade when I finally had my first highschool girlfriend. I haven't made it that far in the journals yet but I know those pages are coming up soon.

I also want to note just how depressed I was. From not having the confidence to talk to girls, to flunking out of classes, to getting in trouble at home because of the flunking, all of that lead to me being super depressed and I said some really crazy things that I would NEVER say now. Its just really crazy seeing how my past self was really thinking. I also couldn't help but notice how when I was on punishment I would always say that I couldn't wait to get a car so I can leave the house and basically never come back. Its hella Ironic because the older me currently could give a damn about going out if I really dont have to. And I have 2 vehicles in my possession. Lol really funny shit.

But as im reading along I am definitely seeing where I went wrong with all the encounters with girls that I had. I took note of a lot of girls basically throwing themselves at me all throughout these books and i chose not to do anything because i was either nervous or i had my mind stuck on a single girl. Whats crazy is that some of the girls that did this were girls that i actually liked. Such a shame, because of my lack of knowledge of how girls operated, my highschool life was a lot more dull than it should have been. Especially the first half. Smh 

For the longest time I've always been a tunnel visioned kind of guy. I dont think i adapted until well after I broke up with Corean. So that mindset has always been a problem for me. And to think my dad was alive at the time and I remember he would tell me simular things to the game that understand now but he would never go in too much detail unless he got really drunk. This is something I am going to do differently when Courtney and I eventually do have children. If our first child is a boy, when he gets of age, im going to try my best so he wont go through what I went through. Because a lot of this stuff was so unnecessary. Smh but I am actually enjoying going back and reminiscing on memories of that time. I'm literally going back and reading books on my life and personal experience from decades ago. Its truly surreal shit. I kinda wish i wouldve done this earlier, probably around the time before I met Courtney. It wouldve been a great time to reflect while i was living the single life. Even though My present self would love to smack my past self a couple of times. But thats how its supposed to be right? 

Anyway, that's all for now. I may have to make another journal entry about this if I come across memories that peak my interests. 

Doppelgangers

It's been a while since I've updated. I know....i hadnt realized that its been 3 damn years. Partially because I've been going through the day by day. Going through the motions if you will. The things I expressed in my last journal post will be addressed in due time. But now i want to focus on whats going on right now. Time is speeding past a 100 miles per minute its seeming like. Things are changing at a rapid pace but things still feel the same. I saw a video a while back that basically explained that if you continue to not actively pursue your purpose or actively doing new things until you find your purpose, time will go by fast for you. It's because you arent building new memories. I dont feel that way for the most part though. I mean sure Sometimes these thoughts come around when I think of my absence of being in the streets selling my artwork. Then I have to realize that im building a catalog of artwork so I can come back with full force when its time to finally get back out in the streets. I say all that to say, man..... I've been working ....alot. More than I should have, but hopefully it will all be worth it in the end. 

Life with Courtney has been great! We actually got married and I'd be lying if I said that I wasnt happy! The married life feels exactly like it was before we got married. 

Im not sure if thats a positive thing or a negative thing, but to me it feels like the right thing. I never wanted to jump into something like marriage all green with someone. Thats a one way ticket to hell in my book. But yes shes cool! The family loves her, her family loves me. And we just vibe. I love the fact that she keeps me healthy and motivated to get off of my feet and get active. I love that she always give words of encouragement to me. It's something really special. I feel like things maybe moving too fast at times. But I have to remember my age and where im at in life. Im not getting any younger. The clock is ticking. So if im going to make my move, im going to have to make it happen soon.

Speaking of the clock ticking...

The concept of doppelgangers or the similar auras that some people have from one another has always been a fascination of mine. I get so excited when I see someone that looks like someone else I've seen on film or in photographs. I really like analyzing their features. For example, I come across a lot of girls on social media who remind me of my wife. Not visually, but their auras remind me of her. Theres this one woman in particular I follow reminds me so much of my wife despite the fact that they dont really look alike but they have similar features. She recently got engaged and her fiance has similar features to me which I find pretty interesting lol every time she pops up on my timeline I have to do a double take because I always get her confused with my wife.  

Anyway, theres this new show that Netflix came out with. Its a reboot/sequel of a sitcom that would come on television back when I was a child. I was too young to understand all of nuances of the show at the time but as I grew older I began to understand it more. Nevertheless this new show is pretty interesting. Its actually really good and im enjoying myself while watching. Theres just one glaring issue: the main character reminds me sooooo much of my ex. I'm unsure if this actress is this way at all in real life, but in the show she gives off this youthful aura that really resonated and reminded me of how my ex was when we first moved in together. I looked up the actress and shes 24 years old so the timing makes sense. But yeah, she doesnt technically look like my ex but she gives off that same aura. But its really strange because when im watching the show the way she does certain things like her voice inflections, her mannerisms and her expressions are exactly how I remember my ex acting while we were together. Particularly in the beginning stage. Its kind of nostalgic in a weird ass way. Its like im looking at a version of my ex in a different universe despite the fact that this actress actually lives in the universe that im currently in. 🤦🏾‍♂️ Wild shit I know. Everytime I watch the show a part of me imagines what could have been had she not been a fucking idiot and listened to me the way my wife does. This actress is a slim build, probably around 130 pounds, 5'3. Everytime I see her face, its a constant reminder of a thing I tried to manifest and control that I simply could not because I started all wrong. In fact, im inclined to believe that we were never meant to last regardless of how I started. But that's another story......

After a brief search.....okay things just took a WILD ASS turn. My mind just went absolutely blank for a second. The shit that I just found out further proves my intrusive thoughts while watching this show. Now I dont know how to feel. So just for fun I decided to do some more research on this actress. While I was searching for her weight and height her ethnicity kept popping up in the Google search bar. It was almost egging me on to a certain point. Bruh this chick is Belizean just like my EX!! I remember a long time ago my ex would tell me that lots of Belizean people are related and now i believe her 100%. I wouldnt have thought in a million years that this actress would legit have the same ethnic make up as my ex yo! That is one hell of a coincidence. I kept getting this weird feeling of nostalgia while watching the show for a reason. And now that I know this information i know the nostalgic feeling is going to be MUCH stronger. Shit sucks, because a part of me wishes that I could reach out to her and ask her about this but that would NEVER happen. For many, many reasons. But because this has become way too long, ill just leave it there for now. Ill make a part 2 later.

damn....

So it's currently 11:12 at night. A little but past my bed time and I reminded myself that I haven't made an entry in a very log time. Like man....it's been a whole 2 years almost. 🤦🏾‍♂️

Well I'm going to spare myself all of the updates but I will say this....I am living life on the edge right now and I know I shouldn't be. I have a lot riding on the future of my life but I keep finding myself in predicaments that could ruin everything. I suppose I need to get this off my chest but I have an addiction that I really need to cope with and possibly get help if things get worse for me. I started a new habit and it's been fun but I know the consequences could be dire if things go wrong. It's hella risky especially when I'm dealing with my girl. (Yes I'm still with her.) And I dont want to catch anything nor do I want her to catch anything. Which is why I really need to stop and quit cold turkey. 

I don't know what is wrong with me but I feel like things are going so well with my life that I feel like I'm trying to sabotage it and I don't know if it's me making these bad decisions or is it some unknown force but I know I have to stop it. I can't let bad discipline and bad practice throw me off my game. I just really wish I could've came across this bad habit when I was single and rectified it then but things are coming up now and I don't know how to handle it. I probably honestly need to put a lock on my phone for a certain amount of time in order to prevent myself from doing certain things with it. I don't know but something needs to give because my situation in life is not the most perfect situation but it's working really well for me right now. My current girlfriend has been a treat to be around besides the few times where she brought her anger for something else onto me. Those situations were rectified but they still happen every once in a while.

My ex still robs my mind every now and them. But its nothing like before where I would check up on her constantly. Now that I'm either focused on my girl, my art brand ,my job or my habit I basically don't have time to think about her like I used to. Plus.my girl is sexy. To this day everytime we go out she gets compliments on her looks from different women. Guys look at her too and a dude holla'd at her right in front of my at the gym. I didn't make a deal out of it because it wasn't. Plus I wanted to.see.what she would do and how she'd react to a do trying to get at her. She rejected him and kept it moving. I was proud.  

Work is a but different now. Way different actually......the white girl and black dude I was working with before are no longer in the section that I'm working at now. The black guy got fired and the white girl upgraded her position in the company. so basically I'm by myself there with new hires that'll probably be there by the time I'm gone from the company. Because I'll be damnned if I'm there longer than 5 years.

The girls I thought I could connect with never happened. One was actuallt married and I confronted her about it. Long story short that bitch was just a weirdo. She ended up quitting shortly after that. The other girl quit before her but it sucks because I honestly could've focused my time with her and it mightve went somewhere. Maybe....but then again messing with girls at work is pretty messy anyways.

The art world is a little fucked up right now. Not going to say much but Instagram is definitely the most shitty social media platform there is. It's literally has not been good since a little bit BEFORE my last blog post. So that should say a lot. 

So I've been focusing a lot more on my comics and people are definitely starting to pick them up. I'm really looming forward to finishing this story though. I'd like to work on other things.

All in all, the main reason I'm writing this blog post is to remind myself that I really need to meditate again. Things have been going absolutely well for me on the outside but I'm really feel like my inside is really fucked up. And I think a few days or weeks of consistent meditation will help me get out of this funk and get back on top of my life the way that it was supposed to be in tbe first place. 

I really need to get better.

And I will get better.

Changes....ugh

Well....it's been a minute and LOTS of things have changed since my last entry.

I'm currently typing this in my car. On break at my new job.....yeah I had to do something that I didn't think I would have to do any time soon. I had to get a new job. Smh and not only that I had to get a full time job.  Well....because my last job literally let all of their employees go. And art sales have been slow for a few months now. I blame instagram for this. I didn't think things would get worse for the platform but it did.. 😑So because I didn't have a main source of income anymore I was forced to do this.

Basically I work in a larger facility doing almost the exact thing I was doing before. But there are many other things I had to learn (and still learning) In order to be comfortable working this position.  It's still taking me some time to adjust to this new 40 hour work week schedule. And its seriously cutting in my art time. But I still draw when I can. I also went from $13 an hour to $16 so my pay checks are kinda nice. I'm just still upset that after 5 long years of hustling, I am right back on the full time work struggle.  Smh

As far as my co workers most of them are cool. Some of them are annoying but I'm making it work. I sense some sexual tension between me and 2 other girls who work there. But I can tell that they are both super passive and they don't say much to me at all. And I don't say much to them either.  Their energies are super off and on towards me and I admit it does get to me a little bit but then I remind myself that I have a whole girlfriend at home who I love dearly. I still can't tell if they dig me in that way or they are just being nice because we work in the same place. But one of them, (her name is Sarah) did call me handsome one time. And I admit it felt great. But after that day that she just seems super distant towards me unless she absolutely has to say something to me for work. She's very attractive too. Like seriously if I wasn't in a relationship I would definitely try to talk to her more. But that's not the way things are playing out. Even before my lunch break today, i had to clock out on the pc in the lunch room and she was in there. While waiting for the computer to load I was wondering if she would say something to me but she never did. She turned around to see that I was in there and then simply walked out. And that reason alone let's me know that I shouldn't be looking into her as much as I've been doing lately.  But she's so damn sexy that it is often distracting especially when she usually wears leggings and you can tell she has a nice ass. And she's short. She has to be around 5'2 or 5'3.  I also noticed a ring on her left hand. Which signals she's either married or engaged. So it's looking like it wouldn't work out no matter if I was single or not.

So when she walks by the only thing I can do is imagine what it would be like to smash. But that's about it. But today kinda confirmed that I probably shouldn't be paying attention to her that much anymore.  Especially when she didn't say a single thing to me today. Which by the way.....on my first week of working here, before she told me I was handsome,  she would wave or say goodmorning to me each time she saw me. Not anymore. So it's best I focus on things that I can control....Like my relationship with my actual girlfriend.

Things are going swell for me and Courtney.  I cant believe our 1 year anniversary is coming up soon. I've been dealing with her for sometime now and I feel like we are finally at a place of comfort with each other.  She's been super serious about losing weight lately and I can definitely tell it's working. Last time we had sex I was looking at her waist and it is soooooo small now. I love grabbing on her while she's on top or I'm hitting from behind. It's such a beautiful thing. And it's a stark reminder of what I wanted to happen with my last relationship.  It's so funny how things work out. I literally was begging my ex to do the things that Courtney does willingly and on her own occord. I even chumped out and bought her some new clothes for Christmas.  Even ended up buying and giving it to her before Christmas so I can see if the clothes fit and they all for superbly well. I cant wait to see how she looks with the outfits when it's all put together!! I also have her working out deals with those art sharing pages to get more of my content on them. She says all the time that she sees herself working for the brand full-time in the future and so do I.  We just have to actually get to that point first. And that includes me dropping this current Job I'm working and back to doing what I love and that is art!

Well that's all for now. I've spent damn near my whole lunch break typing this out when I should actually be drawing right now. But it's OK, today is Friday so when I get home from work today I will be going in!! 

It's time to get focused

It's always funny to me how I start these late at night right before bed. Almost like a tradition for years and years now. Lol crazy

But yeah I guess I should express some feelings before I shut things down for the day. Life has been normal for the most part. Things with my purpose are changing for the better and I definitely feel like I'm growing along with the brand. Something that I havent felt in a long time actually. I wouldn't say I was stagnating but things definitely felt like it was beginning to get dull. I even followed along with my original plan from a year or so ago with learning and taking animation seriously.  And I am making some serious progress. I could always be better and I will be better but I'm just happy with where I am right now. Hell I even had some artists who have literally never made it known that they even check my stuff out actually put out some words of encouragement on my animation updates. So that really helps me understand that I have a really good thing going on and I can't wait to see where I'll be with cartooning in the next few years.  Seeing my characters animated in real time is something I honestly didn't think I'd see so soon but I am so happy that things are picking up.


In other news, me and Courtney are still going strong. And its crazy because it's really almost been a year since she stepped foot into my bedroom and into my life. Admittedly I have not shared nearly as much about our relationship as I would usually but thats partially because we have spent so much quality time together that I often forget to make new journal entries.  Well....things have gone very well so far.  We hardly ever have issues and if we do it's usually handled pretty quickly because I have no problem with letting her know how I feel about certain things when they occur.
And the fact alone helps me get a clearer view of her perspective. She respects me hell of a lot and that's because I check her when she does things that I determine to be disrespect. Which is something that I have never tried in a relationship before.  Well not in this way. Before I would go through certain things with my ex's and instead of addressing the issues right when it happened, I let shit slide and addressed it much later when it was no longer relevant.  This clearly made a horrible impression early on in those relationships.

For example, Corean. She did a lot of disrespectful shit all the way at the very beginning that I didn't check because I thought it was just jokes. She would laugh at a few of my lyrics back when I used to rap.. Had I known that these jokes would eventually evolve into clowning as time went on then I would've nipped them in th bud but I didn't.  This also would have helped me determine what mindset that she was on back then. She never once was really supportive of my comic book brand. Can't believe it tool me so long to realize but she was never really there. Truthfully all of those times where she accompanied me at conventions would've been just fine had I had been by myself selling instead. It was all about her and a little bit of me. Very, very self absorbed and that's evident to this day.  Last few times checking out her socials told me everything that I needed to know about this woman.  Which is something that I should've been aware of back when I was with her or shortly after we broke up. Hell even my grandmother who only met her once knew that she was a delusional woman. She's so delusional that it's almost frightening that I spent so much time with her. She can never figure out what exactly she wants to do with her life. One minute she's a model, the next minute shes singing, the next minute she's a make up artist and the next minute she's a photographer.  🙄
And to make matters worse, she literally still looks the same. NOTHING about her had changed since 2018. NOTHING.  So imagine if I didn't have a back bone and stuck with her even after finding out that she lied to me AGAIN. Yeah that would never crazy! She's still the same size as she was before, she claims that she works out but nah I can tell she's every bit of 170 lbs that she was 4 years ago. Smh and then when I look at my girlfriend now, I can't help but smile. Especially when months prior to meeting her I was screaming in my car asking myself why I'm not attracting any women that want to go along with my program? Why am I not attracting women who think my life is exciting and they want to be a part of it? Especially when there's so many women literally all around my area!!!?? The irony about Courtney is that she was literally down the street from me for 3 years after me and Corean broke up. So imagine,  while I was running around these streets from 2017-2019 my girlfriend was literally around the corner from me. It's wild. Almost like it was destiny for us to get together. Now I'm not saying that we are perfect or specifically saying that we'll be together for a long time because who knows what the future holds? But I will say that these last few weeks of dealing with her made me make some changes in my own life. Like I finally hid my Tinder card from the general public. I would get online every now and then just to see what was out there and if I was missing anything, but people are ridiculous these days. I got a few matches. But none worth talking to. So clearly I wasn't missing much. Plus all the matches I was getting paled in comparison to my girl so that further proves that it was time to give it up for now.  Plus Courtney seems to be super serious about helping me with my purpose/brand. And its crazy because the things that she tells me are out her own mind but they are the exact talking points that I had when I discussed what I really wanted in a partner in crime with all of this.  This alone is what made me realize that sites like Tinder and Okcupid are nothing more than a distraction from what my true desire is: a dope ass girlfriend who could also be my right hand and partner with all of this.

Well that's all for now peace....

Tuesday morning thoughts

I felt inclined to write this out after a really shitty dream I had last night. Luckily it was only a dream. And truthfully I shouldn't even be having dreams like this....because in real life everything is GOOD

Smh

But yes I am 2 months into this new relationship venture and so far things seem to go really well.  I am happy that I didn't just jump into a relationship with Courtney a few months into her meeting her like I did with  Cece. I remember when we first met I ended up bringing her around the family and accidently introduced her as my girlfriend to my cousin Malcolm. She caught it and asked if we were official, and if I had tbe same mindset I had back when I was with Cece then I probably would've said yes. Luckily I didn't....and the rest was history. 

I feel like if I hadn't waited we'd be in a lot more fights because she would still be trying to get to know me and understand how I operate but because we've known each other for a while now, things have been smooth. So smooth that it's almost like we've been together longer than we have so far.

We also have a set schedule for how much time we spend with each other. In my eyes, this helps to keep things fresh. She comes to spend time with me 3 to 4 days out of the week and the rest we are apart.  Which is good because I find myself  missing her when she's gone and I get really happy when she visits again. And if I'm feeling this way then I know for a fact that she's feeling this times 100.  Her looks, her body, her attitude its all so attractive I can't lie. And even if I do happen to see really attractive women online or in person,  I don't even have an urge to talk to anyone new. Which isn't necessarily a good thing but I'm just enjoying this new relationship right now. And I'm being extremely patient right now because I know how attractive this woman is despite her not knowing or acknowledging that fact.  I still remember her doing a little fashion show for me the first time I went over to her house. Seeing how those outfits she wore enhanced her curves allowed me to understand what I was really working with.  She just has to get her hair in order and my mental score for her will skyrocket. I mean it's already high but I already have an idea for how she will look and it gets me excited just thinking about it everytime. She had braids not too long ago but couldn't keep them because my sister in law didn't do her hair correctly. But for the little time she did have them in, I immediately saw a difference and I caught a glimpse of what I already knew about: I've been imagining her with long hair ever since we began talking and I finally put things into perspective when I photoshopped a weave onto one of her pictures. She looks so good that it's insane! She had this distinct Gabriel Union look to her which only intensifies her beauty and in actuality it makes her look so much more feminine. And truthfully I believe she knows this as well. Because when she got her braids and she would go out without me she would come back and tell me that certain guys (guys like me) would approach her. This wasn't the case before she put them in nor was it the case after she took them out. Now when she goes out places and come back she doesn't say anything. So either guys are still approaching and she's not mentioning it or they aren't anymore. 

Now don't get me wrong,  I love her natural hair.  But it's just not long enough yet. So when she gets braids or a weave, she instantly looks more feminine and easier to approach.  I cant really describe it more than that.  The thing I like most about her is the fact that she's willing to switch things up. I'm assuming because she's actually coherent and aware of how people (that she cares about) percieve her.  Which is stark contrast from my ex. But more on her later.....


At this point of my life I'm just happy to have someone who wants to make me happy just as much as I want to make her happy.  And I'm super excited for our future!!

Now about my ex.......


Yeah the more I look at her, the more I appreciate my current girlfriend. I had a talk with Brandon a long time ago and we both agreed that our past relationships just weren't supposed to last. Things that were so difficult for my ex to comprehend or care about comes almost too easy for my current girlfriend to comprehend. I don't have to ask or suggest that she do certain things because she suggests them for herself. I dont have to painstakingly do research for her because she does them for herself.
There were things that i brought to my ex's attention that were almost always ignored or put on the backburner. And I resented my ex for it. But Courtney takes notice of it on her own and goes out of her way to address it without me saying anything about it. For example, I took notice of my ex's stomach and arms almost immediately and she told me that those places were her problem areas. But despite that, she showed little to no effort to make a change in her workout routines. I even went out of my way to get her a personal trainer, which now that I'm thinking about it, she probably was fucking buddy instead of actually working out but that's a whole other story.  Shit,  even to this day she probably hasn't made a change despite her efforts to show her followers that she has.
Truthfully she still looks the same as she did back in 2018. Shits wild. Lol
But my current girlfriend? I truthfully, without a doubt have no issues with her body. Everything is perfect! Her stomach has a little pudge too but not as bad as my ex's and it's not even worth taking note of honestly but she seems determined to get rid of it. She's literally painstakingly doing research to find ways to minimize it.

Shits crazy. I was literally spending 3 years of my life doing research for a girl that should've been doing all of that for herself. Smh I suppose her mindset was "He been with me for this long, he ain't going no where." And truthfully she was right.  It took an elaborate cheating scheme for me to really realize what was going on. Shit was sad, but like most things, I had to go through it in order to grow. 

I'm just enjoying this new found relationship and I'm loving the fact that she fits right in with the family. There's absolutely no drama and everyone loves her. Especially my mom.

Out of all of the women that I brought around the family, Courtney is by far the most liked. And I am unbelievably happy for it!!

February 20

So it's 5 in the morning and I cant sleep. Partially because I wasn't really in the mood for sleeping when I actually did fall asleep and I didn't take any sleeping pills so I'm wide awake right now.

And some things have changed. Oh yes they have. And im here to break it all down.

Today is February 20th. 5 days after I made a decision that I hope I won't regret. On Valentines day I jumped the gun and made things official with Courtney. So yes she is now my girlfriend. And this was for a few reasons....1. I grew tired of the cat and mouse game when it comes to dating in 2021. It seems like there's so many available women out there in the world when really most of them are mentally and emotionally unavailable. Most of them refuse to bring their walls down to become vulnerable enough to build a connection. 2. I learned this with the last girl I dealt with before I got in this new relationship. Everything was all cool until she came over and then I realized what a horrible mistake I was making. Here I am with this strange I my room, who went out of her way not to be next to me in anyway. Then she told be that she was celibate and that took things over the edge for me. I kept thinking to myself: Why am I dealing with these dumb ass girls when I have a woman in my corner who tells it like it is and isn't shy about letting me know how she feels about me? So after that girl left, I already knew that I'd never see her again so I deleted her number and unfollowed her on instagram. And my attention went almost exclusively to my girlfriend.

I tried to get with at least one more woman before I made my decision but nothing came to. Im just gonna assume that my attitude towards consistently putting myself out there and getting nothing in return started to bug me which is why I decided to do what I did.

And because of this, somethings are still bugging me. On my girlfriends end, almost everything is working like a charm. There are things that I played out in my head going a certain way and they literally go exactly the way I thought. And then there are things that makes no sense but they have happened.

For example, as of late my Courtney is going through a hair crisis and its becoming so much of a thing that I had to mention to her about it. And unlike my last ex, she is taking everything with abnormally strong consideration. Without a fuss at all. Im assuming that she knows that she needs to do things with her hair. And me commenting on it pushes the narrative even more. I had even imagined how she'd look with blue hair and suggested it to her and she thinks its a great idea. So all in all, things are pretty good for me and her.

Now here's where the bullshit lies.....my ex.
Now im going to use this place as an effort to vent my frustration on why this bitch seems to ruin a perfect plan every time I get an idea that would benefit me and not her. Partially my fault because everything I associated with her should have been cut out my life a very long time ago. But with me being me, I thought my status would be enough for people to say "well he does do good work, regardless of how I feel about him." But that's not the case I guess. 🤷🏾‍♂️
So Courtney's bday is in March and she's be turning 30. She wants to do a photoshoot of some sort and she usually goes with a photographer that she's been using but that photographer might not be available at that time. So I had the bright idea that maybe the photographer that took photos for my ex would help me out with a surprise photoshoot for Courtney because I mean he was still friends with me on Facebook so I didn't think it would be a big deal. Especially because Im willing to pay.. so I sent him a message and waited for a response. And I kept waiting. Then I found out that buddy read my message but chose not to respond. So that kinda confused me for a bit. Especially when he responded the last time I hit him up, granted it was quite a while ago but still. So that really didn't make any sense to me. At all.

It pissed me off but I didn't think anything of it until I got home. I got on my Facebook account and looked through some old memory posts from the last few years. I looked at one from 2016 and I looked at the comments. Low and behold, my ex had a comment on one of the posts. And in thinking, that can't be right, she has me blocked on facebook. Meaning I cant see what she posts nor can she see what I post. The only way I was able to see her posts before is when I had to check on my secondary account. And because of this, I knew she unblocked me. But why is the question, what would give her the reason to unblock me even though we haven't spoken since 2018? And then it clicked. 🤦🏾‍♂️
A while ago I shared a video from worldstar where some chick was speaking on how a real woman is supposed to treat her man. In the caption I stated "wow my ex was wack"
Word got back to her and she unblocked me and made a post about what I said. Then blocked me again. So at this point I'm forced to put 2 and 2 together. Just basing off how the photographer acted. And the fact that my ex has me unblocked right now basically making assume that the photographer dude was the mole in this whole operation. Each time I do or post something even remotely connected to her, his bitch ass must've been running and telling her everything. Which is why she unblocked me this time. My relationship status has not changed since 2017. So when it changed, most of the people on my friendslist were clearly notified. The status change has around 104 likes and 40+ comments. Im almost certain that the photographer saw the post and notified my ex. Triggering her to unblock me to check up on me. Even though she's already been checking up on me. And it makes me feel better because I thought I was legit going crazy for checking on her all the time when she was basically doing the same thing. And doing a horrible job at concealing it. Folks closest to her probably still all know how much I've affected her life. And the same thing goes for how much she has affected mine. But the difference is I don't show it. On my end, it looks like I've completely moved on. New relationship, career booming, new projects. And on her end she's only putting on the facade that she moved on.but clearly she hasn't. She's a mess for the most part when it comes to that. Last time I checked her IG account I admit that she looks good. But those photos are only skin deep when you look into who she really is. Her ticktock videos show me she is the same girl she's always been. Despite the many obstacles our lives have gone through these last 4 years.

This was definitely a learning experience from me. I learned that anyone and everything that connected my world with hers needs to crumble and vanish. No industry connections. No friendship connections. No female connections. No family connections. Nothing. Apparently everyone i once known that were connected to her and I back then think im the devil anyway despite the fact that she was the one who cheated on me. So all in all fuck em. Ever since I made this new relationship a reality. Everything feels brand new but familiar at the same time because of my ex and my current girlfriends similarities. Now it's my job to suppress those familiar thoughts and memories. And enhance and embrace the new ones. ✌