Clarity

Back to regular scheduling......

Been a decent holiday break so far. Unfortunately not much has changed in the woman department for me. Today I realized just how much of a grasp on the game that I really have and I'll tell you that it's not much. I simply do not know what I'm doing wrong. And the only woman I seem have a effortless connection with is my ex. Everytime she comes around its like we don't skip a beat and everything goes smoothly.  We never fight and if we do things chill out quickly.

Every girl I come across just isn't on that level. They all seem to wake up and want to do stupid shit to make me not want to talk to them anymore. 

This blog is private now so I don't give a fuck about stating names in it. It's only for my eyes to reflect back on my inner thoughts in the future.

So I've met someone new, her name is Kartie and unfortunately I met her on Tinder due to my total lack of anything socially relevant right now. I dont go out much,  simply because I don't have anyone to go out with, well we'll get to that in a moment....

This woman, for the most part comes off as a straight sleaze ball. Like I know she loves to have sex. She has a worldstar video where she's practically naked. She came over in extremely tight clothing I could see every piece of her ass through her shorts. But she was somehow acting super indifferent when it comes to me. It's interesting though because she does contact me first most of the time. But that's because she might be using me for the pool in my neighborhood. Which is weird because I'm sure she talks to so many guys who More than likely have pools in their neighborhoods. So why choose me to bother? We havent kissed or had sex, the closest thing weve done was a few intimate hugs when we were in the pool together.

Ugh women are so fucking confusing man. I guess I'll just wait around for her to ghost me like they always do.

I'm so sick of this shit.....

But then again,  it's this stupid fucking app that's giving me all of these stupid encounters. But Tinder seems like the only way I can get any female attention.  Even if the attention is quite shitty. I have been approaching more women on the rare occasions when I am out of the house.  And when I do approach I usually get the same answer each time. "I have a boyfriend."

It kinda makes me want to stop approaching but I know if I do then I'll be stuck with these dumb ass bitches on Tinder for the rest of my life. It still bugs me that I have not had 1 single positive interaction from that app. And because I know I can't be the only one dealing with this shit, it makes me wonder just how many dudes were lying about their success with girls on Tinder. 

2018 just may be one of the worst years of my life, only coming just short of 2011.

Reflection. Time for a change

I've accepted that if I dont go out and make changes on my life that things will never change on their own. Ive stopped using Tinder seriously,  well kinda. I still use it but no where near like I used to. I even stopped paying for it. Ive come to a realization that not a single interaction I've had from it were actually positive. So why the fuck would I continue to keep paying for it?  And I've had a lot of interactions on there, so that says a lot.

Part of it is my fault, as I claimed that I would be 100% honest with the girls I was associating myself with. But I was more like being 70% honest with them. This lead to a bunch of girls playing around and pissing me off.

I'm not going to lie to myself and say that I am 100% cured of the bullshit. But I am trying to keep mental notes whenever I interact with a new chick on there. Basically I just need to try my best to be honest with everyone.  Because when I'm on 70% the women have expectations that they want met, and they usually have actual dating expectations. But the funny thing is, I've wasted soooo much time dealing with girls on dates that I KNOW wouldn't be my first choice to take out if I had my own pick of the litter.

So even though I was being around 70% honest with them, I still was leaving that other 30% hanging around. And because girls are girls, they ignored the 70% and grabbed that 30% potential and ran with it.

This is more than likely why I've been failing soooo much with girls on Tinder.  But now, things are about to change.....

A lot of dating coaches say that dating is a numbers game. Which I completely agree. They also say that Tinder is also a numbers game but to a much higher degree because even average looking women are being hit on by other guys on there. I agree with this even more. The amount of average looking women I've been out with in the past 5 months can attest to this.  And if you know my history then you would know that a lot of them are complete wastes of time.

So no, even if a chick looks like Rihanna in the face,  I am no longer spending money on  her. No more bar dates, No more restaurant dates, No more ice cream dates. NOTHING!

Not too long ago I had a one night stand with a girl that I just met on there.  I mentioned on here before how I wasn't attracted to her at all but I wanted to see how things would be if I chose a lazy way to get a girl over to my house. And it actually worked. I didn't have to take this woman to any bars, we didn't go out to eat, I didn't spend any money on her at all. We met in a Target parking lot. We walked around target for 7 minutes tops. And then she happily trailed me over to my apartment where we smoked and fucked.

Simple.

And that's what I'm doing from now on. If a girl insists that I take her out on a date then I just won't respond to her messages anymore. Because I'm noticing that maybe taking girls from Tinder on bar dates gives the girl the wrong idea. It gives me the oppurtunity to fuck up my chances. And the more I think about it, that's exactly what these girls want. So instead I'll just cut off the extra fat and keep things to the point.

Starting now.....

Man meditation is helping me out a bit 🤣....

I've started this meditation thing and it has gone well for me so far. I can feel my mind becoming more and more at peace with my current living situation. It's crazy how something I've ignored  for so long is helping me so much in just 6 days.

Meditation is helping me  come to terms with my circle being extremely small. Because of this, I'm really considering getting rid of Facebook, well maybe not getting rid of it but I'm considering logging off and not really logging back in. People on there aren't really concerned with my well being or if im ok. I don't feel connected to anyone on there. Not even my business partner. Who visits Atlanta frequently but seems to go out of his way to never link up. It may have something to do with my past behavior on the site. Which sucks but at the same time people change. But to these folks I guess this isn't true. A lot of them simply monitor my posts so they can find something to disagree with and argue about it. And this is AFTER I changed shit up and decided not to post what was on my mind all the time.

Some of these idiots even live in the same city that I live in.  If they are supposed "friends" wouldn't you think I would get invited to certain events that these folks seem to always attend? But they don't. It's filled to the brim with a lot of fake ass folks on there. So I'm considering going ghost on there for a while. 

One more thing before I close this entry out......

In a weeks time my summer will actually start. It's a Damn shame that I had to be extremely patient in this whole thing. 2 whole months of not really being social has been fucking with me mentally. But luckily things are about to change.

My best friend Bman is coming back into town. He's moving back actually. So now things  can go right back to how things were before I met my ex. Back to actually having someone to hang with, smoke with, drink with,  and party with. I'm excited because I've grown extremely tired of  always going places or doing things alone.

Also, in 2 weeks my family on my father's side will be coming down for a family reunion.  My grandmother wants me to hang with my cousin and her friends who live out here. I pray to God that she has attractive friends. Man 😅

Meditation

Today marks a new beginning of my life.

For the past 3 years my ex has gotten really into spirituality and meditation. And a little bit of it has rubbed off on me. But i am no where near as into it as she is. For years I would try to let go and actually get into meditating but I could never focus long enough to see any desired results.

Well recently I'm going by the motto that it's never really to late to start.  I downloaded an app called "Calm" and it has a lot of guided meditative content. A lot of it is almost exactly what I need at this moment. It's been really difficult for me to focus but I am definitely dedicated go the process. The app is subscription based with a hefty annual fee. But I look at this and many of the things I spend my money on as self investment. Anything that will help me become a better person is worth it in my book.

Simply put, I am tired of not really having friends,  I am tired of meeting countless amounts of women and not being able to close the deal, I am tired of meeting new people and being unsure if they like me or not. I'm going to be going through a shit ton of physical changes in the next few years. So I need my mind body and soul to be on the same page.

And it all starts with getting this meditation shit down packed.

Realization

So this week has been pretty shitty for me when it comes to women.  I haven't had any positive female interaction in a long time.

And it's even more ironic how the only interactions that kinda matter to me now are from my ex. 😑

Anyways I'm beginning to notice a pattern in the type of women I seem to keep coming across. At first I thought it was me and maybe I'm  just doing things super wrong. But as time goes on im really beginning to think that it really isn't anything in my control to have positive experiences with the women I'm choosing to be around. I've noticed one common denominator in all of this. Out of all the women who have done me dirty, played games with me, and flaked on me I noticed that they have all came from the same place:

Tinder.

It's extremely difficult to build connections on there simply because the women on there do not and refuse to take any interaction seriously. I've been on countless of pointless dates that have went absolutely no where. So many girls on Tinder are clearly all about the attention they recieve.  It has nothing at all to do with actually building connections with people. If they aren't about the attention they are have superficial thoughts about how a man is supposed to act when first meeting them. It took me all of 8 months to realize this and it sucks that I'm just now figuring it out.

Late last year and earlier this year I had a brief fling with African girl I met online. But it wasn't through tinder. It was through another dating site called Okcupid. I hated that site too and after a while I decided to say fuck it and I deleted my account.  However before I did that I met this African girl (I believe that I nicknamed her M on here.) And if you added all of our time we spent interacting with each other it went on for a good month and a half. Multiple dates, multiple interactions,  multiple sexual encounters. Hell she even spent the night over my house. ( ironically she has been the only women to do that so far since me and my ex split.) She stopped talking to me because she realized and I realized that I didn't want anything other than a sexual relationship with her and she wanted something more.  But she still stuck around for a while.....

Much longer than any interaction I've made with any of the women I met on Tinder.

I say all of this to say this:

Fuck tinder. It doesn't work for me. And when I REALLY think about it....It never really has.

It's funny how I've only been able to have sex with 2 girls from the app. And neither of them were attractive or my ideal type at all. I still feel pretty bad for lowering my standards so much. Deep down I gurantee these girls knew that I was out of their league and they probably thought I was a loser for letting things get so far with them.

I find It pretty interesting how the girls who seem to be my ideal type will match with me  but refuse to respond  to any of my messages. Which is why I stooped so low to get those 2 girls in bed.

So all in all, Tinder is wack.

Tinder is dead.

Tinder is a game for most of the folks who use it.

Things have led me to this point and it's been building up for a while now. I just don't see a benefit in dealing with folks who don't want to deal with you and they let this be known rather explicitly.  I always knew this day would come,  I'm just tired of being lied to and played with.

So basically I'm done with the app. I'm probably going to stop paying for it and more than likely going to start ignoring the fact that the app is even on my phone in the first place.  I know now that I have no other options to meet women other than to step to them in person if they are attractive enough to me. I know this comes with tons of rejection and I HATE getting rejected but it is what is.

The more I think about it, I'd rather get rejected in person right off the back then to talk to someone online for a day or two, finally meet up and then get rejected after the the initial meet.

This happens more often than anything else and I'm sick of it. So yeah....

Fuck  Tinder.

Killing me

Man I can't even lie, I really want to be finished with invisalign already. It's taking me so long to get used to these foreign items in my mouth. And some of the edges were really sharp and it cut my tongue a little. I had to buy a Emory board just to chop it down some. Luckily I smoothed things out but this cut on my tongue is pretty freaking annoying right now.

Speaking of annoying, them women In my life are doing just that. Being annoying.  I've have now learned that I should never get my hopes up for shit. Because things will either happen or don't. And there's a 70% chance of things not going in my favor each time.

I say all that to say this. I have a couple of girls lined up to date right now and I'm am more socially aware that more than half of them will dissapear from my life no longer than a few days from now. Because women are literally like buses. And this isn't even be sexist because most women will agree. The mindset of abundance is rapid in these girls. Which is why I get played left and right by a lot of them.

I dont even necessarily feel like going into details with any of these girls right now. Just know that if anything spectacular happens, you would be the first to know...

Changes

So its been a while since I posted. Partly because of a mishap on my part. I was making a post last weekend, on the very same day and probably around the same time. 

I spent the night over at my Ex's place for the first time last weekend. Simply put I know there are other girls out in this world and I know that it will be my job to find them but until then, my ex is the only girl in my life that makes me 100% comfortable being around her without being judged. I feel like I can let loose and talk about pretty much anything with her.  Can't say the same for a lot of these other women out here.

To make a long story short, every girl I've met off tinder thus far have been a complete and utter waste of time. I'm really beginning to believe that none of them take anything about the app seriously.  Not saying that they should 100% but they can at least show some effort on their part. I'm noticing a strong pattern among all girls that I meet on there.  They either act disinterested from the jump or they act super interested at first and then they go ghost with our warning. 

At first I was thinking maybe I was doing something wrong. Maybe I said something that turned them off. But now the more and more situations I find myself in, the more crazy similar the stories are. So the conclusion is, Tinder is a game for most of these chicks. Actually Tinder is a game for ALL of these chicks.

Even the ones who I had high hopes for they all play around.

And the girls who don't play?

They are usually the girls with a gang of kids or they are ugly as shit. But then there are even some girls who are ugly as fuck and they still play around.

So if Tinder is just a game for most of these chicks then I have no choice to turn it into a game as well. It makes me wonder, if girls use Tinder as a game then where the fuck do they take things seriously at? Like I've always been curious,  how do they meet guys? Because the amount of women who have played me on the street shows me that it's not always on the street.

Like I know it's a numbers game but man I get played left and right whenever I do approach. But on the flip side, each time I hang with a girl who's actually interested in me, they tell me that I'm super attractive. Then why is it that when I approach women I'm either ignored or they reject me before I can ask for their name?

That's one thing about the game that I just don't understand.  I noticed that this is ruining myself esteem. I mean it was low already but these past 6 months have been taking a toll on me. Ive made decisions to help boost things but there was one decision that I was contemplating for 3 years but i never acted upon it. Until now.

I'm making changes to boost my self esteem to the highest degree. All of the life and dating coaches I follow have all stated: We all have insecurities about something. Some of them we can't change. Some of them we can. If you have a insecurity about something and if it's in your power to change it, then do so.
And that's what I'm doing.

For as long as I can remember I've always been ashamed to smile with my teeth on camera. It was rare if you ever seen me smile on camera. It's because of my teeth and their spaces. And conditions have seemed to only get worse over time. I feel as though my teeth were moving on their own separating further and further from each other. This created a shift on my lower jaw.  So whenever I smiled my lower jaw would shift to the right. This made me look kinda like Bobby Brown when I smiled and it was not pretty.

This killed my self confidence and I'm beginning to think that this could quite possibly be the cause as to why I feel so awkward in public sometimes. Because when im out in public I don't smile as often and when I see a girl I want to approach I either approach and dont smile as much or I don't approach because I don't want to be judged for my teeth.

I remember back in highschool I had the drive to make a change then. My mom seemed like she was all for it but my dad didn't. He didn't see a need for that simply because it was too expensive and he had the same teeth problem but he grew into his teeth.  And they weren't as spaced out as mine. Now my teeth are altering my smile 10 fold compared to his. I think he felt that since he dealt with it and so did his father then I should too. But the thing is, though I may look like him, I am not my father or my grandfather. I live a life of my own and if I'm not happy because of something that I can simply change then it's in my duty to find that happiness I've been missing out on and capture It.

It sucks that I had to make this change more than 10 years later when I had the oppurtunity to save my dignity back then.
But everything happens for a reason and I'm finally making the push to achieve my happiness.

I began invisalign treatment this past week. I'm happy to finally take charge of my life and go for what I really want. And that's to be happy! I'll be 30 years old in a year and a half. This will mark the half way point of my life and I have yet to really LIVE.  It's time to live forreal now!!

I'll be finished with my treatment in a year and 5 months.  I can't wait to show off my new smile to everyone! To new women, to my fanbase on Instagram, to new business prospects,  to random strangers on the street. Eventually it'll be my time to shine and I can't wait!!

Reality

Man.....

So this week has been one of the most unsettling weeks for me in my head. Reality is setting in and the thing that I feared most is happening. Eh,  I can't really say I feared it but I predicted this would happen. 

My ex has gone full IG model mode. I can't lie, she has got my attention. But she also has the attention of a few other guys.  I can't lie it ticks me off knowing that they're all fawning over her but then it makes me step back for a minute and look deep into reality. And the reality is, she's doing what's she has to do in order to achieve fulfillment and  I will be doing the same. It just really sucks that I haven't met anyone to take my mind fully off of what she is currently doing on social media. The irony of all of this is I really wished she exuded this sexual confidence when we were together. But now she might be going overboard. I'm going to try and mind my business,  but it's difficult when your options for distractions are currently too low to function.

Speaking of, my home girl  "A" came over today. And things got awkward, because she made a move on me. And I've already confirmed that she is in the friend zone with me. And not even a sexual friend zone either. Just a platonic one. We had sex one time. And there arent many times in my life where I felt bad for myself after having sex. But that time was one of them. If I could take it back, I would. But i don't want to tell her that. So instead, when she comes over, I usually chill out and I try to avoid as much physical contact as possible. I think she picked up on this and still tried to make a move.

I couldn't get horny even if I tried. It just was not in me and she doesn't make me horny at all. And that's pretty crazy. Because I get horny really easily. It's a shame but hopefully after tonight she catches the hint.

Another situation I find myself chuckling over is this girl who I was supposed to meet up with yesterday. We began chatting Saturday night with the hopes on seeing each other Sunday afternoon.  Sunday comes along and the time was getting closer and closer to the designated time for us to meet. But i didn't hear from her. So, 30 minutes before the date I texted her asking if she still wanted to meet. She caught a attitude and told me that she  thought i changed my mind and she had to work 3 hours prior to us meeting.

I then thought about how i was going to  respond for around 3 minutes.  Iwas thinking about saying something to her to stir the pot but I got to thinking about abiut the self help books and videos I've been taking in for the past 4 months.  Instead I simply wrote her a message basically showing her that she can't bother me with her attitude and told her that the offer was still on the table. She then proceeded to ignore me and stopped responding.  I figure " oh well, just another dumb chick who couldn't see my value." I deleted her number and went on with my day.

Now today while hanging with A, I get a text message from the same girl saying that she apologized for not responding back and that her phone had been broken and she just got it back from the Apple store. 😐 Right.....I couldn't believe that bullshit even if I wanted to. But i figure that she went through all that trouble to lie to me just to see me then she must really be interested now.  I guess only time will tell....