Wow

So its late and I know I should be sleeping but I just couldn't help but post a small blog tonight.  I've been very anti social this week. Haven't gone on any dates.  Haven't really been sending too many messages on tinder.  And the messages I did send tended to not get responses. I even avoided seeing my ex a few days ago.

I think I just didn't feel like being bothered. But another part of me is wishing I could surround myself with new people. This is something that's bound to happen in the future.  I just have to be a little more patient than others on this journey. Also, because I haven't really gone out anywhere this week,  I've either been focusing my time browsing around in YouTube or drawing.

Today I spent the better half on YouTube and drawing.  Once I was finished drawing I caught a glimpse of a girl I was infatuated with back in the day on youtube. Let's just say she looks nothing like the way she used to look when we first met. And it's mind blowing.  This girl was a 10 in my eyes back then. She has now deteriorated to a 4 1/2. It's nuts.

And to think, I was once so obsessed with this women that I almost drove myself into depression once I realized that she didn't like me. 😂

This just proves that the older I get, the more opportunities I'll have to meet prettier women. Again, I'll just have to be extremely patient before im able to do so.

Well....got some sleep to catch up on....

Don't know

I noticed, everytime there's a lack of activity on here, there is also a lack of activity in my real life.

Things kinda died down from my last post which I expected it to. In my last post I revealed that I was talking to 2 new women. And we are still talking....well kinda.

I came to the realization that it just wasn't worth it at all. Both  women are really attracted to me. I can tell because they seem to never leave me alone for more than a day. I'm guessing this is how women feel when they are dealing with dedicated men who they aren't really feeling like that. Because that describes my current mindset all the way. I had sex with both of them and I instantly regret it. Because they just aren't interesting to me physically or sexually. And neither of them are my type.

So at the end of the day, would I rather be single and lonely then to have unwanted company over in my face? I think I want to go with the first option.  One of them has children, but she can cook and she smokes so  I think I'll keep her around just to befriend her hopefully.  I'm just not sure if it'll work because we had sex and I honestly don't want to do that again.

The other girl is all around physically unnatractive.  She's overweight and she doesn't have any hair. The only plus about her is that she's an artist like me. But I really don't want her to like me too much.  I mean I even stated my intentions that I'm not looking for anything  but she's still doing too much. She literally texted me every single day this week besides Friday.  We had sex and I regret this one too.

For both situations, I really just wanted to see if I could do it. And I did....but now I regret it.

So this leads me to Friday. Me and my ex went to the movies to see that latest Marvel movie.  Nothing too out of the ordinary. After the film I wanted to come home and smoke, and possibly get some sex. But she didn't want to at all. I mean we do kinda have sex everytime she comes over so I didn't think anything of it at the time.

But I began over thinking things....

She's getting way too comfortable with me. And it's my fault.  I have yet to find a replacement woman for her. It seems like all the woman I come across either aren't feeling me or I'm not particularly feeling them. So they end up on the backburner and my ex gets most of my time. Which is a problem I know...

With all these women out here in this city, you would think that I wouldn't have this problem at all. But this is what it is.

A few days prior I went grocery shopping to get a few things.  As I walked out I noticed a pet store right next to the grocery store and I figured I need to get my dog a new toy so I walked in. As soon as I walked in I saw the prettiest girl talking to some white guy. I thought they were together so I went on with my business.  I see the 2 walk away from each other in opposite directions so I guessed that he was just trying to hold a convo or pick her up. I walk in the dog toy isle and here she comes walking directly towards me. I turned to say "how are you doing today? " not sure if I smiled though...  (more on that in a minute)

Needless to say it did not go well at all. She looked at me, but I dont think she ever responded.  Which is weird. I grabbed the toy I wanted to get for my dog and I walked away to cash out. I turn around and there is the girl right behind me.  I pretended as if she wasn't standing there and walked out in shame. It sucks, I grew my balls big enough to say something in public to a girl and I get shot down without her even saying anything to me.

I say all of that to say this, I'm not sure if it's my energy that's throwing people off, my looks, or my crooked smile. What's funny is I get told all the time that I'm good looking but at the same time I can't tell if it's a crutch or something else.

Because to be quite frank with you, I really can't tell the difference between me intimidating someone or me creeping someone out. Because honestly there was no reason why this girl did what she  did. It's not like I said it under my breath or anything of that nature. I looked at her dead in her face and said it and acted as if I didn't.

Back to the smiling thing....

I'm really not sure if I smiled at her when I spoke. Which is my insecurity speaking loud and clear.  I honestly cannot wait to start this invisalign treatment. I am sooooo fucking sick of feel self conscious about my smile. I'm ready to make changes so I can be the confident man that I'm fucking supposed to be!

Before bed

These past few days have been interesting to say the least. I'm in a lot better mood than I was around a week ago. I've encountered 2 new women in my life. Both of them are nothing special at all. And theu are both on the same level of attractiveness. Maybe even a little lower than J. Speaking of which I haven't spoken to her in a while. I'm not rushing it either.

These women are honestly just women I can practice on. I know that sounds wrong or dehumanizing but that's just how I feel. They arent girls that I would ever see myself pursuing at all. Which is why I'm allowing them to do most of the chasing. I dont call or talk to them unless they hit me up. I've had sex with both women. 1 even on the first date.

I call them practice for a few reasons. But the main reason is the focus of my mindstate when im around them.  I dont put them on a pedestal and I act almost aloof or indifferent most of the time. I still flirt to let them know that I'm interested in smashing but nothing more than that. And this is how I need to be with all women. Including the ones I'm really interested in.  Because I've been noticing a pattern. Once I show too much interest then things get messed up. Once I show just enough then things go perfectly.

These 2 encounters have also made me realize just how much effort I have to really do in order for things to work in my favor.  And I'll tell you, it's not much. I didn't even spend money on one of the girls. We met in a store parking lot and she followed me home.

This has all made me realize all of the mishaps I've had happen recently and in the past with women. And a lot of those situations could've been avoided completely honestly. And just to think , I haven't even began my invisalign treatment yet. My confidence is going to rise so freaking high!!

Random thoughts about art and instagram

So im sitting in the waiting room at the dentist office ready for my first consultation for invisalign and I'm on Instagram.  For as long as I've been on Instgram strictly for art, I've noticed that my page has been picking up huge amounts of steam.  My account is almost to a point where it can no longer be ignored. By anyone.  Not even the the artists with larger followings can ignore it.

So I find it funny how some folks who I've been following for ages intentionally ignore my content on the daily.  There are a few artists who I've been following for a long time. Some that have directly influenced me to get to the level that I am currently at.

So in a way, It would feel really good and id feel pretty accomplished if I were acknowledged by some of them. Luckily some of them do acknowledge me by dropping a few likes on my pictures. Some even check out my Instagram stories to see what I'm up to. Which is cool.

But I can't help but feel a certain type of way when it seems like some artists go out of their way not to show love. What's funny is that some of these artists definitely know of me and my art. Some even met me in person. Especially the ones that I look up to. I let this be a personal drive of mine the past few years. This could possibly be the reason why I've massively improved my own skillset in the past year.

Maybe I'm just being paranoid. But i do find it interesting how some of these same artists seem to give other artists love even if they are clearly beginners or at a lower level than me.  This could possibly be a result of the whole Facebook fiasco from last year. Apparantly I burned a ton of bridges without even knowing it. Simply because "they" didn't like what I posted on MY Facebook account. My problem with that is even if you don't like me as a person, you cannot deny the quality of my work.

Part of me wants to believe that some of these artists are genuinely innocent. And no one is even thinking about me and what I got going on. But another part of me wants to believe that they have a personal vendetta against me. And it's not a good feeling.

But I have to try my best to ignore things a push forward. Even if none of those artists give me props I have to remember that I do have a fan base of people who love to see new content from me. It's up to me to see if they are my true fans or just folks who want to be nosey.

One of the last

So....tomorrow is the day. The day that I start a new journey that I have been putting off simply because I thought I could overcome my inner thoughts about my self image. But unfortunately I've been having a really difficult time doing so. It's funny because all throughout highschool I was a little self conscious but it seems like things have gone overboard as I've gotten older. So much so that even if what I'm perceiving greatly differs from what others are perceiving, no amount of proof will make me feel better about things until I change it. Which is why no one knows about this move in going to make tomorrow but me.

I've expressed things with my ex when we were together and she didn't approve of my thought process. I talked to my mom about it around thay same time and she understood. I didn't really talk about it to anyone else. So it would more than likely come as a shock to people who haven't been around me and most likely wont see me until the process is near completion.

So what am I talking about?

I'm talking about invisalign.  Braces.  Aligned. All of that shit.

Again, when I was in highschool I was self conscious about my look. I was afraid to smile in fear of what others might think of me. I think this fear may have started in 9th or 10th grade. Although I still maintained attention from the ladies, I still felt low about myself.

My dad had the same teeth as I did. But because he was slightly taller than I am now and his frame was wider, his teeth didn't stick out as much. He always seemed to have relentless confidence. Something I always tried to mimic or fake. Hell I even mimic some of his mannerisms to this day. But for some reason I could never inherit his confidence.

I've dug deep inside myself and my thoughts over the past years. I ask myself,  "What is the underlying issue here?"  I keep getting the same answer over and over again each time I ask . Some people are sensitive about certain things. The appearance of my teeth just happen to be my sensitivity. It just may be the cause of my lack of motivation and confidence to step to any women I want or interact in any situation that may cause a spike in tension.

I always have this constant thought of how people are perceiving me when I speak. How much attention are they paying to my mouth rather than my eyes or something else? So im looking to eliminate these thoughts wirh actions. It's unfortunate that there are some folks who don't have the means or ability to change something they don't like about themselves because most of the time these attributes aren't changeable like height for instance. So I'm very fortunate to be able to make this life changing decision.

I'm just imagining all of the times when I've caught the eye of a random stranger and they smiled at me and I didn't smile back. Or the times where I caught the eye of a pretty girl and instead of smiling and waving I either ignored her or approached her and still got no where. Hell I'm not even sure if I smiled with those approaches either.  🤔

Invisalign is far from cheap too. But at the end of the day I look at it from a longevity stand point. I'll be 30 on a year and a half. By the time I reach my 30th birthday I want to be smiling and confidence that will put the gods to shame.  I would much rather shell out the money now than to wait and wonder "what if?" Also I would much rather live on this earth for another 30 years without having the thought of low self esteem touch me ever again. I can't deal with another 30 years of wondering if I'll ever be confident. It's time to MAKE myself confident.  And tomorrow is the first step.

Date from hell

Man.

I have never felt more like a failure than I do right  now. I feel fucking horrible right now.

Today, I set up a date with 3 different women. Because I knew that all of them would flake out on me. And Damn near all of them did. Except for 1. But really the only reason why she didn't is because I had to contact her first to set up that date.

So here I am, getting all prepared for the date. I rewatched a couple of self help videos on YouTube  to get me hyped.  I got to the bar  and I even chatted with the bartender and a dude that was sitting next to me so I could get as comfortable with talking to strangers as much as I could. And then my date came in. She was super cute and attractive.  And definitely someone I could see myself having sex with.  We hugged each other,  I let it be known that I was interested in her sexually and everything went by smoothly.

In those self help videos, there were  suggestions to visualize the interaction going well so you'll be more confident when the interaction becomes a reality. I did so I believe it worked in my favor. Not only was I more confident but I was more self aware of what I wanted out of the interaction.  So much so that I even invited her over to my house to smoke and chill.  And to my surprise, for the first time, she actually came over . On the way to my place I kept visualizing how things would go while getting hyped from the music I was listening to.

When we finally got in and settled down we began smoking and conversating more. After a while I got bored so I told her to move closer to me. And she either nervously or reluctantly moved closer me. Red Flag

She did so and then I tried to go in for a kiss. She moved her head , pretty much denying me a kiss. Now I'm sitting here a little shocked. This has never happened to me before. If a girl comes over to my place of residence then she more than likely understands how things are supposed to go. So I couldn't help but be surprised with her antics. I tried to play it off but something tells me that she picked up on my vibe that I was puzzled and confused.  She then commented on that she thinks I deal with a lot of girls because of my eyes. Which is not the first time a girl has brought this to my attention.  At the beginning I thought it was flattering but now I'm starting to believe that it shouldn't be at all. It's starting to feel like an excuse that a girl can use to not want to get sexual with me. 

So I brushed it off and kept smoking and drinking. We then went on with conversation. As she is still sitting on my couch and conversating I couldn't help but think if the situation I had with another individual who would not do anything I asked of her. So after a while I said "fuck it" and tried to get a kiss again. I told her to move closer to me and she did. Then I went further with suggesting that I wanted to kiss. I used my left hand to guide her to my lips and she moved jjst before it happened.  She told me that She was just shy which is bullshit.  This bitch has a kid and is 2 years older than me. What the fuck is there to be shy about? I just have to face facts and realize that She wasn't interested in me sexually.

My problem with all of this and what hurts me the most is that I thought I was in the right track.  I thought she actually liked me. I mean she risked everything to come over to my house to smoke and drink a little more than we did at the bar. So why would I not think she was interested in dealing with me? After she curved my kiss for the second time I pretty much kicked her out of my apartment.  She acted shocked and surprised but why? Did you really think  I would tolerate hanging with your ass knowing that you have children and knowing that you aren't sexually attracted to me at all? I think not. 

At this point, I'm just at a lost for words. I've gone on dates with  a lot of women in these past few months. And I still do not understand what makes them tick. And what doesn't make them tick. I'm almost to the point where I dont want to date anymore. It seems like every girl I meet doesn't see me in a sexual way no matter how much I change my appearance or personality to fit their standards.  I'm really close to just throwing in the towel.

Late night thinking

It's pretty late right now. And I should be sleep but I can't help but really get into my head and realize just how dull and boring my life has become. Ever since me and my ex split my social life has been complete shit. I Spend most of my time alone or drawing. I dont have many friends. Matter of fact I really don't have any. The friends I did have no longer live in the area or they just stopped reaching out and its becoming more and more difficult for me to get out and do things.  Simply because I am seriously tired of always doing things on my own. No one invites me to parties. I dont get invited for bar nights.  And if I do, it's with people I could give 2 shits about.

After deleting so many people from my Facebook, I felt good for a good 5 hours but after the fact, I felt pretty shitty. Knowing that so many folks from highschool were connected to me on Facebook but not a single soul even reached out to see how i was doing or anything like that. I kept thinking to myself why the fuck are you even on here? So that's when all the deleting happened. 

I went from 1600 friends to 700 friends and counting.  I can see myself doing a few more friends list purges in the future but things are ok for right now.  I'm just so tired of not having any type of social life. It is pretty telling how much of a social life I had while I was with my ex. It seems that we were definitly attached to the hip. More than I ever thought or imagined. I didnt even realize the fact that my friends were slowly dwindling while I was in that relationship. Things kept dwindling until my ex literally became my only friend. 

So now I'm thinking could it be? Am I the common denominator? I admit the year of 2017 was a pretty rough one for me simply because I was not in the mental state that I should've been in. But i managed to break through that mental rut and achieved my  main goal of 2017. And that was to become a more successful artist. It's just funny that in order to achieve that goal, i sacrificed  many other things. Like my relationship or relationships with  friends or with people who I thought were my friends.

So right now I'm feeling more alone than I ever did before. I dont have anyone I could hang with and talk man shit to. Well at least not right now. In the near future my childhood friend will return and things will get back to normal for me a little bit. But right now I feel more lonely than I did back in 2011. And the funny thing about that is I swore to myself that I would never be put in that mind space again. But here we are again, 7 years later and I'm right back at it.

I swear sometimes I feel like I just can't fucking win in life. I can't ever just be happy. It's always a give and take. And I'm so fucking sick of it.