It's pretty late right now. And I should be sleep but I can't help but really get into my head and realize just how dull and boring my life has become. Ever since me and my ex split my social life has been complete shit. I Spend most of my time alone or drawing. I dont have many friends. Matter of fact I really don't have any. The friends I did have no longer live in the area or they just stopped reaching out and its becoming more and more difficult for me to get out and do things. Simply because I am seriously tired of always doing things on my own. No one invites me to parties. I dont get invited for bar nights. And if I do, it's with people I could give 2 shits about.
After deleting so many people from my Facebook, I felt good for a good 5 hours but after the fact, I felt pretty shitty. Knowing that so many folks from highschool were connected to me on Facebook but not a single soul even reached out to see how i was doing or anything like that. I kept thinking to myself why the fuck are you even on here? So that's when all the deleting happened.
I went from 1600 friends to 700 friends and counting. I can see myself doing a few more friends list purges in the future but things are ok for right now. I'm just so tired of not having any type of social life. It is pretty telling how much of a social life I had while I was with my ex. It seems that we were definitly attached to the hip. More than I ever thought or imagined. I didnt even realize the fact that my friends were slowly dwindling while I was in that relationship. Things kept dwindling until my ex literally became my only friend.
So now I'm thinking could it be? Am I the common denominator? I admit the year of 2017 was a pretty rough one for me simply because I was not in the mental state that I should've been in. But i managed to break through that mental rut and achieved my main goal of 2017. And that was to become a more successful artist. It's just funny that in order to achieve that goal, i sacrificed many other things. Like my relationship or relationships with friends or with people who I thought were my friends.
So right now I'm feeling more alone than I ever did before. I dont have anyone I could hang with and talk man shit to. Well at least not right now. In the near future my childhood friend will return and things will get back to normal for me a little bit. But right now I feel more lonely than I did back in 2011. And the funny thing about that is I swore to myself that I would never be put in that mind space again. But here we are again, 7 years later and I'm right back at it.
I swear sometimes I feel like I just can't fucking win in life. I can't ever just be happy. It's always a give and take. And I'm so fucking sick of it.
