Reality

Man.....

So this week has been one of the most unsettling weeks for me in my head. Reality is setting in and the thing that I feared most is happening. Eh,  I can't really say I feared it but I predicted this would happen. 

My ex has gone full IG model mode. I can't lie, she has got my attention. But she also has the attention of a few other guys.  I can't lie it ticks me off knowing that they're all fawning over her but then it makes me step back for a minute and look deep into reality. And the reality is, she's doing what's she has to do in order to achieve fulfillment and  I will be doing the same. It just really sucks that I haven't met anyone to take my mind fully off of what she is currently doing on social media. The irony of all of this is I really wished she exuded this sexual confidence when we were together. But now she might be going overboard. I'm going to try and mind my business,  but it's difficult when your options for distractions are currently too low to function.

Speaking of, my home girl  "A" came over today. And things got awkward, because she made a move on me. And I've already confirmed that she is in the friend zone with me. And not even a sexual friend zone either. Just a platonic one. We had sex one time. And there arent many times in my life where I felt bad for myself after having sex. But that time was one of them. If I could take it back, I would. But i don't want to tell her that. So instead, when she comes over, I usually chill out and I try to avoid as much physical contact as possible. I think she picked up on this and still tried to make a move.

I couldn't get horny even if I tried. It just was not in me and she doesn't make me horny at all. And that's pretty crazy. Because I get horny really easily. It's a shame but hopefully after tonight she catches the hint.

Another situation I find myself chuckling over is this girl who I was supposed to meet up with yesterday. We began chatting Saturday night with the hopes on seeing each other Sunday afternoon.  Sunday comes along and the time was getting closer and closer to the designated time for us to meet. But i didn't hear from her. So, 30 minutes before the date I texted her asking if she still wanted to meet. She caught a attitude and told me that she  thought i changed my mind and she had to work 3 hours prior to us meeting.

I then thought about how i was going to  respond for around 3 minutes.  Iwas thinking about saying something to her to stir the pot but I got to thinking about abiut the self help books and videos I've been taking in for the past 4 months.  Instead I simply wrote her a message basically showing her that she can't bother me with her attitude and told her that the offer was still on the table. She then proceeded to ignore me and stopped responding.  I figure " oh well, just another dumb chick who couldn't see my value." I deleted her number and went on with my day.

Now today while hanging with A, I get a text message from the same girl saying that she apologized for not responding back and that her phone had been broken and she just got it back from the Apple store. 😐 Right.....I couldn't believe that bullshit even if I wanted to. But i figure that she went through all that trouble to lie to me just to see me then she must really be interested now.  I guess only time will tell....

Off my chest

Like the blog title stated.....

I'm taking thus oppurtunity to jot down how I'm feeling right now.

It's Saturday morning....just another regular Saturday for me. I'm probably going to be home all day. Simply because I dont have friends. I'm pretty much all alone and I can't figure out why.

When I'm around people I feel like I fit in with everyone. I'm always in interaction with everyone and I generally don't feel any negative vibes from people. So why is it that my phone seems to always be dry?

I remember  that there was a time when I would look forward to the weekend. Now I'm just home. Drawing.

What's funny is that art has become my best friend. I can draw and research all day long without breaks.

The irony is that no matter how much I practice or study I feel like my progress as a artists has stagnated.  Simply because my following is slowing down on Instagram. Ive been struggling so hard to get to 20k subscribers. Ive been fighting this battle for 2 years. There are some artists who got 100k subscribers in 2 months. I'd like to think to myself that this is pure dumb luck and they really aren't doing anything special or different to succeed. 

But we all know that is complete bullshit.

There are tips and tricks that other artists are involved in but won't tell other folks about it. One artist in particular began growing exponentially since we began interacting with each other.  When we first started talking he was a little bit above where I was in follower count. But since then he has jumped up in subscribers by 10,000

Remember that blog post a while ago explaining how I felt that certain artists were intentionally ignoring me? Well I found out something that kinda explains why I was feeling like that.

These certain artists were definitely ignoring me. And it is because I wasn't part of their DM group club. That's right, a lot of these artists with huge followings have been using DM groups to interact with one another. And because my following was probably too low when they started it, I was never approached or asked to join.

So I decided to say screw it. I'll start my own DM group.  But in all honesty it's been a pain to find members. A lot of artists either don't want to be involved or they are scared that it might get them banned. Which isn't the case because a lot of people with Instagram accounts partake in this.

I think I'm in the process of giving up on growing  my following anymore than  it already has grown. I'm growing extremely tired of figuring out ways to get my voice heard and art shown to new people. And each new pathway leads to a dark hole of emptiness. And this is with EVERY social media site that I'm involved in.

Obviously

Man, as happy that I am about my art career (well kinda) it sure isn't helping me forget the fact that I have been so unlucky with the ladies recently . And honestly it's been like this practically my entire life.

In fact everything that people  promised me back when I was little was all a lie. All of it.....

But i don't even want to get that deep tonight.  I just want to come on here to rant. Simply put because each time I get my hopes up they always get shut down. Which is why I'm slowly developing a IDGAF mentality with a lot of these girls out here. Most of them really don't deserve my attention.  And I won't give them the satisfaction of it all either. I'll just let things pass as they've always been.

I say that because im noticing a trend of all the girls I meet on Tinder. At first I was beginning to think that maybe it was me. Maybe I'm just no good and no chicks like me. But I'm slowly but surely coming to the conclusion that it's Tinder and the girls that inhabit it. They are all fucked up, multiple children having, bad luck driven, childish ass women.

If you haven't caught my drift by now, the situation wirh Chocolate milk and myself never came to pass. There's a whole lot of excuses and extra drama that i really dint feel like getting into. I just know that I feel like I was duped. I'm intensely attracted to this woman and it makes things even more special when im not even sure why I am because she's not the typical chick I would usually check for. But whatever the case she's all I've been able to think about even when I was with my ex. I keep thinking about that kiss. And how bad i want to do other things with her. Man.....

So I am pretty upset at the fact that our planned meet up didn't happen. And it was HER fault. And further more she is currently doing the same thing another African woman that I was interested in started doing before I dropped her......she doesn't text or call me until I initiate the conversation. Now in my opinion that shows that she isn't as interested in hanging with me as much as I am with her.  So I erased her number out of my contacts.  I won't be surprised if I dont hear from her again. Just like all the other chicks out here who have completely wasted my time. 

This trend is pretty fucked up. I just want to know why is it that everytime I get excited about a new chick, some bullshit happens (usually not by my own fault) and I have to put this chick in the category with all the other time wasters?

😣

Obstacles in my head

My head space is iffy right now. Just like it was last night. And the night before.

I'm starting to think it's because im not super focused on anything art related right now. The last 2 days I was laser focused on commissions. So much to the point that my left hand started to become sore. So today I took a break from drawing all together. I did nothing but smoke and eat today. Mixed in with a little bit of watching tv and that was my day.

I had a date set up but because women are women of course it didn't go through. I'm almost numb to these situations nowadays. I know that when I set a date with a woman that there is a 40% chance that I'll actually go on the date.  This girl seems really cool and she texted me first twice in a row on seperate occasions. So im inclined to believe that this girl is interested.  She just couldn't make it out today and suggested some other time next week. I agreed, let's see who forgets about who first. 🤔 This girl also reminds me of my ex. But slimmer.......

Speaking of my ex, I finally heard from her today.  Interesting enough, it always seems to happen when I least expect it. Being thay multiple women now have my number I can't lie I was excited to hear from her but I wanted to hear from someone else.  More on that in a minute....

My ex though,  my jealousy is coming in so much right now and its fucking me up. This is the main reason why I try to distance myself from her social media. She is definitely showing off her body a lot more now. It's clearly for male attention and I know I shouldn't be mad but Its getting to me a little bit.

Which is why I'm trying to distract myself with other women but it's so difficult to find quality women that would help make things easier.  The text message I'm really waiting for is from Chocolate Milk. Like I thought we really hit it off good on our little date  so I'm unsure as to why I haven't heard from her. I want to text her so badly but I'm really not sure if I should right now. Things like this always happen when I come across a woman Im really attracted to. Things are so fucked up righr now that I'm looking for distractions to distract me from another distraction. It's fucking retarded.

So now I'm looking for another girl to keep me occupied until I hear back from Chocolate Milk. I'm starting to feel like I'm in a circle of confusion.  I fell deep in lust with chocolate milk and I can't help but wonder if she's thinking about the same thing I'm thinking about.  And if so, why the hell is it taking her so long to hit me up? I'm so lost on her right now. I can't stop thinking about that kiss we shared. It felt so right and I wanted more. I really want to spend more time with her lol

Too soon

Sometimes I feel like I gotta chill out.  I met someone new recently and we hit it off almost too perfectly. Flirting was on point, eye contact was there, everything was perfect.

This girl is African, similar to the Houston girl and M from earlier this year. She looks much different from both of those women respectively and she is definitely not someone who I would normally go for but she is so beautiful to me. I'm fascinated by her. Specifically because ive never gone for her type. But I am really attracted to her physically.  And she clearly was too.  We met up at Lenox  mall. We walked and talked for a second. Then we sat in the car for more talking and heavy flirting.

She had school in a hour so I couldn't bring her home with me.  But if she didn't have class then I know things would've gotten xrated. When it was time for her to walk to class i got out my car to give her a hug and she hugged me really tight. I couldn't help myself, when she pulled away from me I went in for the kiss and we kissed like we been dating for months. I didn't put my tongue in her mouth but I'm certain she wouldn't have minded if I did.

After that kiss I know I'm going to have fun with her. And she'll be able to feel in that void in a way that M never could. We met up on Monday and I haven't heard from her yet but I'm sure I will hear back from her sometime in the near future.

She is the perfect distraction to keep my mind off of my ex.  I haven't seen her in 2 weeks, so she's either been really busy with work and figuring out how to take care of business of she has found another guy to deal with. I'm learning more and more about myself and what stuff I just need to let go. I can't keep thinking thoughts of jealousy when it comes to her. I'm out here doing my thing  ( or at least trying ) so she should be out there doing the same. She'll get in contact with me when she wants to see me. So I'm not worrying about it. Now I'm just worrying about the new woman in my life that I'd like to now call Chocolate Milk. Because man, she is chocolate as hell and thick in all the right places. I'm looking forward to seeing her without clothes. 

Why do I feel part 2

Man.

So this weekend has kinda sucked. If the interactions I banked on actually happened this weekend then probably wouldn't be as let down. But I've been home alone literally all weekend. Not a single one of my regulars hit me up to hang out. Not even my ex.  Which by the way she's been acting kinda wierd this weekend. I feel like she's sorta distancing herself from me. It's probably for the best right now anyways. I'm just gonna let her do her for right now. She'll eventually want to hang out with me again.

So yesterday I finally did what I say I would do which is go to Atlantic Station for a little bit just to check out the scene and who was walking around. There were surprisingly a lot of lesbian couples out that day. So each time I saw a pretty girl she was with some manly looking woman.  There were some other women walking around but because I haven't really been practicing I didn't approach any of them. Which I am upset at myself over.

However, I did something that made me feel a lot better. Nothing will probably ever come out of it but I am proud of myself for forcing myself to do it despite the butterflies and the "hole in my stomach" sensation.

One of the more super popular Instagram models that I drew a few months ago walked past the bench that I was sitting on at the time. At first I was just memorized with what she was wearing. She was wearing  a brownish red mini dress and it was flowwy at the bottom. And because she's a bottom heavy girl the dress was no match for her ass. So while she was walking I caught a glimpse of her ass. At that moment I knew I had to do something.  So I forced myself to go after her. I really couldn't tell you what was going through my head when I began walking to catch up to her. I just did it.

I've only had a few times that this sensation has happened to me. It's one of the most uncomfortable feelings in the world to me. But it's partially because I'm not used to feeling it. Once I put myself out there more I should be ok with dealing with sensation on a subconscious level.

But anyway I stepped to her and like usual she immediately brought up that she had a boyfriend. What's crazy is that honestly wasn't my full intention of approaching her. Yeah I somewhat had the thought in my mind but that really wasn't what I was trying to prove. I simply wanted to prove that I'm a real person and I'm not scared to go for what I want. Even if it costs me my dignity.  After she told me she had a boyfriend I asked her if she knew who I was. She obviously didn't because she wouldn't have brought up the fact that she did have a boyfriend.  Once I told her, her face lit up and she became a lot warmer to me. She took my info her boyfriend was looking for someone to do a logo for her.
I tried to maintain strong eye contact the entire time. I wanted to make a lasting impression even though it would be of no use. The woman is gorgeous though and her man is lucky to be smashing that. 
She told me she'd call me and the rest was history.

5 minutes later after went our seperate ways she called me I guess to confirm my number. I was thinking to myself, man I have something that thousands of men who follow her would only dream to have.
But the harsh reality is, having a women's number means absolutely NOTHING in today's age. I can't even tell you how many numbers I ran through these past 7 months and that's just from Online dating sites like Tinder.

But like I said, I'm super proud of myself for approaching her. Something i would have never done a few months ago out of fear of rejection. What's crazy is that I still got rejected but it didn't phase me at all. So I'm definitely no afraid of rejection.  I just have to come across a woman gorgeous enough to force me to take action.

Why do I feel?

So this blog is used to express my feelings when im feeling certain things and this time is no different.

Today for the first time in like 3 or so months I actually missed my ex. I know, strange right? Simply because I let things get way too far and I began spending way too much time with her. This in a way, kinda confused my feelings towards her and it's kinda messing with my head.

This is all because she kinda flaked on me today. I mean granted, I kinda didn't want to do what she suggested we do earlier this week but I kinda expected her to be the last person to do that. But she did, and reality is biting me in the ass. I swear I feel like I can tell the future sometimes. I remember back when me and her were together I would have visions of us being apart and she would go on to be the exact same woman I'd envisioned her becoming. Just without me.

And it sucks.

And it's what's happening right now. She's posting the kind of content that I always envisioned her posting. And she has a new attitude about herself. Maybe I'm just in my feelings right now because when I think about it, it's not really a big deal. I'm still doing things I'm not really supposed to be doing with her. And I hope it doesn't jeopardize my future. But even if we do slip up and have a child I could at least be comfortable with the fact that we would be ok financially for the most part.....

Speaking of which, my future....it's on the up and up currently. I can feel it, but it's at a slow pace. Partly because of me and my issues.  I just haven't had the energy to put myself out there like I did a few months ago.  There are a number of reasons why. Some more apparent than others.  The last few times I did put myself out there in front of a new woman I was strangely ignored.  Even when I look them dead in the eye. Im rrally beginning to think i just catch them off guard because they look at me like they dont have anything to say.

I really don't understand what some of these guys are doing to make these interactions so smooth.  But I'm going to keep practicing in order to figure it out. I just have to find my mojo again.  And unfortunately,  since I have no immidiate friends to hang with I'm going to have to do most of this on my own.

And the weather.....man the weather. It has been calling me. I told myself thay I wouldn't be in the house when it got warmer. But i almost feel like it's being rushed upon us. Like its 90 degrees in May.  Yet I'm home working.

This summer is bound to get interesting with the type of folks im trying to keep around me. One of the girls from a few posts ago is in a transitioning period from being a FB to a homegirl.  We've hung out 3 times and the I only tried her once and never again. If she catches the hint and sticks around then that is on her. But she is really cool and I like hanging with her. I'd  like to call her A.

Me and A are cool and she could be my plug to all the festival's and happenings in the city.  We still haven't gone out to a event together yet but I know it's coming.

Finally, if all goes as planned, Monday I should be starting my invisalign treatment. It's time for a change and it's becoming more and more evident that it is time. On Monday before my dental appointment I'm supposed to be hanging with a new chick from tinder. She's this new African chick. And she immidiately wanted to facetime with me.  We did and she quickly noticed my teeth. If she  mentioned it as quickly as she did then i know others have as well without me knowing. So yes....tine for a much needed change.

One thing about African women,  soon as they come to the states they are all ears to your game. But as soon as they live in the states for a long time they become accustomed to the bullshit and play around with you just like American women do. This is why I had to cut off the Houston girl from a few months ago. She's such a beautiful African woman but her attitude is Houston hoodrat all the way.

Well, thays all for me for right now.

Just a lot of pondering and wishful thinking.

Tomorrow's weather is supposed to look just as good as today's. And I still don't have any plans for tommorow.

Bummer.