Too soon

Sometimes I feel like I gotta chill out.  I met someone new recently and we hit it off almost too perfectly. Flirting was on point, eye contact was there, everything was perfect.

This girl is African, similar to the Houston girl and M from earlier this year. She looks much different from both of those women respectively and she is definitely not someone who I would normally go for but she is so beautiful to me. I'm fascinated by her. Specifically because ive never gone for her type. But I am really attracted to her physically.  And she clearly was too.  We met up at Lenox  mall. We walked and talked for a second. Then we sat in the car for more talking and heavy flirting.

She had school in a hour so I couldn't bring her home with me.  But if she didn't have class then I know things would've gotten xrated. When it was time for her to walk to class i got out my car to give her a hug and she hugged me really tight. I couldn't help myself, when she pulled away from me I went in for the kiss and we kissed like we been dating for months. I didn't put my tongue in her mouth but I'm certain she wouldn't have minded if I did.

After that kiss I know I'm going to have fun with her. And she'll be able to feel in that void in a way that M never could. We met up on Monday and I haven't heard from her yet but I'm sure I will hear back from her sometime in the near future.

She is the perfect distraction to keep my mind off of my ex.  I haven't seen her in 2 weeks, so she's either been really busy with work and figuring out how to take care of business of she has found another guy to deal with. I'm learning more and more about myself and what stuff I just need to let go. I can't keep thinking thoughts of jealousy when it comes to her. I'm out here doing my thing  ( or at least trying ) so she should be out there doing the same. She'll get in contact with me when she wants to see me. So I'm not worrying about it. Now I'm just worrying about the new woman in my life that I'd like to now call Chocolate Milk. Because man, she is chocolate as hell and thick in all the right places. I'm looking forward to seeing her without clothes. 

Why do I feel part 2

Man.

So this weekend has kinda sucked. If the interactions I banked on actually happened this weekend then probably wouldn't be as let down. But I've been home alone literally all weekend. Not a single one of my regulars hit me up to hang out. Not even my ex.  Which by the way she's been acting kinda wierd this weekend. I feel like she's sorta distancing herself from me. It's probably for the best right now anyways. I'm just gonna let her do her for right now. She'll eventually want to hang out with me again.

So yesterday I finally did what I say I would do which is go to Atlantic Station for a little bit just to check out the scene and who was walking around. There were surprisingly a lot of lesbian couples out that day. So each time I saw a pretty girl she was with some manly looking woman.  There were some other women walking around but because I haven't really been practicing I didn't approach any of them. Which I am upset at myself over.

However, I did something that made me feel a lot better. Nothing will probably ever come out of it but I am proud of myself for forcing myself to do it despite the butterflies and the "hole in my stomach" sensation.

One of the more super popular Instagram models that I drew a few months ago walked past the bench that I was sitting on at the time. At first I was just memorized with what she was wearing. She was wearing  a brownish red mini dress and it was flowwy at the bottom. And because she's a bottom heavy girl the dress was no match for her ass. So while she was walking I caught a glimpse of her ass. At that moment I knew I had to do something.  So I forced myself to go after her. I really couldn't tell you what was going through my head when I began walking to catch up to her. I just did it.

I've only had a few times that this sensation has happened to me. It's one of the most uncomfortable feelings in the world to me. But it's partially because I'm not used to feeling it. Once I put myself out there more I should be ok with dealing with sensation on a subconscious level.

But anyway I stepped to her and like usual she immediately brought up that she had a boyfriend. What's crazy is that honestly wasn't my full intention of approaching her. Yeah I somewhat had the thought in my mind but that really wasn't what I was trying to prove. I simply wanted to prove that I'm a real person and I'm not scared to go for what I want. Even if it costs me my dignity.  After she told me she had a boyfriend I asked her if she knew who I was. She obviously didn't because she wouldn't have brought up the fact that she did have a boyfriend.  Once I told her, her face lit up and she became a lot warmer to me. She took my info her boyfriend was looking for someone to do a logo for her.
I tried to maintain strong eye contact the entire time. I wanted to make a lasting impression even though it would be of no use. The woman is gorgeous though and her man is lucky to be smashing that. 
She told me she'd call me and the rest was history.

5 minutes later after went our seperate ways she called me I guess to confirm my number. I was thinking to myself, man I have something that thousands of men who follow her would only dream to have.
But the harsh reality is, having a women's number means absolutely NOTHING in today's age. I can't even tell you how many numbers I ran through these past 7 months and that's just from Online dating sites like Tinder.

But like I said, I'm super proud of myself for approaching her. Something i would have never done a few months ago out of fear of rejection. What's crazy is that I still got rejected but it didn't phase me at all. So I'm definitely no afraid of rejection.  I just have to come across a woman gorgeous enough to force me to take action.

Why do I feel?

So this blog is used to express my feelings when im feeling certain things and this time is no different.

Today for the first time in like 3 or so months I actually missed my ex. I know, strange right? Simply because I let things get way too far and I began spending way too much time with her. This in a way, kinda confused my feelings towards her and it's kinda messing with my head.

This is all because she kinda flaked on me today. I mean granted, I kinda didn't want to do what she suggested we do earlier this week but I kinda expected her to be the last person to do that. But she did, and reality is biting me in the ass. I swear I feel like I can tell the future sometimes. I remember back when me and her were together I would have visions of us being apart and she would go on to be the exact same woman I'd envisioned her becoming. Just without me.

And it sucks.

And it's what's happening right now. She's posting the kind of content that I always envisioned her posting. And she has a new attitude about herself. Maybe I'm just in my feelings right now because when I think about it, it's not really a big deal. I'm still doing things I'm not really supposed to be doing with her. And I hope it doesn't jeopardize my future. But even if we do slip up and have a child I could at least be comfortable with the fact that we would be ok financially for the most part.....

Speaking of which, my future....it's on the up and up currently. I can feel it, but it's at a slow pace. Partly because of me and my issues.  I just haven't had the energy to put myself out there like I did a few months ago.  There are a number of reasons why. Some more apparent than others.  The last few times I did put myself out there in front of a new woman I was strangely ignored.  Even when I look them dead in the eye. Im rrally beginning to think i just catch them off guard because they look at me like they dont have anything to say.

I really don't understand what some of these guys are doing to make these interactions so smooth.  But I'm going to keep practicing in order to figure it out. I just have to find my mojo again.  And unfortunately,  since I have no immidiate friends to hang with I'm going to have to do most of this on my own.

And the weather.....man the weather. It has been calling me. I told myself thay I wouldn't be in the house when it got warmer. But i almost feel like it's being rushed upon us. Like its 90 degrees in May.  Yet I'm home working.

This summer is bound to get interesting with the type of folks im trying to keep around me. One of the girls from a few posts ago is in a transitioning period from being a FB to a homegirl.  We've hung out 3 times and the I only tried her once and never again. If she catches the hint and sticks around then that is on her. But she is really cool and I like hanging with her. I'd  like to call her A.

Me and A are cool and she could be my plug to all the festival's and happenings in the city.  We still haven't gone out to a event together yet but I know it's coming.

Finally, if all goes as planned, Monday I should be starting my invisalign treatment. It's time for a change and it's becoming more and more evident that it is time. On Monday before my dental appointment I'm supposed to be hanging with a new chick from tinder. She's this new African chick. And she immidiately wanted to facetime with me.  We did and she quickly noticed my teeth. If she  mentioned it as quickly as she did then i know others have as well without me knowing. So yes....tine for a much needed change.

One thing about African women,  soon as they come to the states they are all ears to your game. But as soon as they live in the states for a long time they become accustomed to the bullshit and play around with you just like American women do. This is why I had to cut off the Houston girl from a few months ago. She's such a beautiful African woman but her attitude is Houston hoodrat all the way.

Well, thays all for me for right now.

Just a lot of pondering and wishful thinking.

Tomorrow's weather is supposed to look just as good as today's. And I still don't have any plans for tommorow.

Bummer.

Can't wait to begin

These last few posts have been nothing but self reflections. Simply because not much has been happening worth noting.

I have been pretty anti social the past week and a half. I haven't really gone out anywhere to increase my chances of meeting new women.  I barely leave my house unless I have to go to the store, get something to eat, or pick up my ex when I want to hang out with her.

Another reason is because im getting a influx of women who like to play around match with me on Tinder.  I mean granted, tinder sucks.  I can't deny that, but i love it when I get the chance to finally prove myself and attempt to work my charm magic when I finally get a girl to agree to come out with me. And lately that just has not happened.

Getting matches are cool when more than half of them cooperates with you. But when more than half of them don't it can kinda throw you off.

This is why I cannot fucking wait to start this invisalign journey. I'm ready to walk up to any chick with confidence. Without a care in the world. Because this tinder shit is for the birds.  There are so many pretty women on there who don't take it seriously at all. So its more of a tease than anything else it really annoys the fuck out of me.

It's amazing how the women I would love to take out and hook up with never really chase me or take me serious.  But the ones who do I am no where near interested. Those 2 girls from last time still contact me. One is cool and she seems like she'd be a really good friend. So im keeping her around but I still sense that she's super interested in me even though I clearly put her in the friend zone. Another girl continues to contact me even though I don't contact her and I don't respond to her messages anymore.

As bad as I feel saying this but that was a one and done thing. There's no way I see myself having sex with her again.  And I know that's exactly what she wants to do. So im avoiding her like the plague....hopefully she'll catch the hint soon and move on......

Wow

So its late and I know I should be sleeping but I just couldn't help but post a small blog tonight.  I've been very anti social this week. Haven't gone on any dates.  Haven't really been sending too many messages on tinder.  And the messages I did send tended to not get responses. I even avoided seeing my ex a few days ago.

I think I just didn't feel like being bothered. But another part of me is wishing I could surround myself with new people. This is something that's bound to happen in the future.  I just have to be a little more patient than others on this journey. Also, because I haven't really gone out anywhere this week,  I've either been focusing my time browsing around in YouTube or drawing.

Today I spent the better half on YouTube and drawing.  Once I was finished drawing I caught a glimpse of a girl I was infatuated with back in the day on youtube. Let's just say she looks nothing like the way she used to look when we first met. And it's mind blowing.  This girl was a 10 in my eyes back then. She has now deteriorated to a 4 1/2. It's nuts.

And to think, I was once so obsessed with this women that I almost drove myself into depression once I realized that she didn't like me. 😂

This just proves that the older I get, the more opportunities I'll have to meet prettier women. Again, I'll just have to be extremely patient before im able to do so.

Well....got some sleep to catch up on....

Don't know

I noticed, everytime there's a lack of activity on here, there is also a lack of activity in my real life.

Things kinda died down from my last post which I expected it to. In my last post I revealed that I was talking to 2 new women. And we are still talking....well kinda.

I came to the realization that it just wasn't worth it at all. Both  women are really attracted to me. I can tell because they seem to never leave me alone for more than a day. I'm guessing this is how women feel when they are dealing with dedicated men who they aren't really feeling like that. Because that describes my current mindset all the way. I had sex with both of them and I instantly regret it. Because they just aren't interesting to me physically or sexually. And neither of them are my type.

So at the end of the day, would I rather be single and lonely then to have unwanted company over in my face? I think I want to go with the first option.  One of them has children, but she can cook and she smokes so  I think I'll keep her around just to befriend her hopefully.  I'm just not sure if it'll work because we had sex and I honestly don't want to do that again.

The other girl is all around physically unnatractive.  She's overweight and she doesn't have any hair. The only plus about her is that she's an artist like me. But I really don't want her to like me too much.  I mean I even stated my intentions that I'm not looking for anything  but she's still doing too much. She literally texted me every single day this week besides Friday.  We had sex and I regret this one too.

For both situations, I really just wanted to see if I could do it. And I did....but now I regret it.

So this leads me to Friday. Me and my ex went to the movies to see that latest Marvel movie.  Nothing too out of the ordinary. After the film I wanted to come home and smoke, and possibly get some sex. But she didn't want to at all. I mean we do kinda have sex everytime she comes over so I didn't think anything of it at the time.

But I began over thinking things....

She's getting way too comfortable with me. And it's my fault.  I have yet to find a replacement woman for her. It seems like all the woman I come across either aren't feeling me or I'm not particularly feeling them. So they end up on the backburner and my ex gets most of my time. Which is a problem I know...

With all these women out here in this city, you would think that I wouldn't have this problem at all. But this is what it is.

A few days prior I went grocery shopping to get a few things.  As I walked out I noticed a pet store right next to the grocery store and I figured I need to get my dog a new toy so I walked in. As soon as I walked in I saw the prettiest girl talking to some white guy. I thought they were together so I went on with my business.  I see the 2 walk away from each other in opposite directions so I guessed that he was just trying to hold a convo or pick her up. I walk in the dog toy isle and here she comes walking directly towards me. I turned to say "how are you doing today? " not sure if I smiled though...  (more on that in a minute)

Needless to say it did not go well at all. She looked at me, but I dont think she ever responded.  Which is weird. I grabbed the toy I wanted to get for my dog and I walked away to cash out. I turn around and there is the girl right behind me.  I pretended as if she wasn't standing there and walked out in shame. It sucks, I grew my balls big enough to say something in public to a girl and I get shot down without her even saying anything to me.

I say all of that to say this, I'm not sure if it's my energy that's throwing people off, my looks, or my crooked smile. What's funny is I get told all the time that I'm good looking but at the same time I can't tell if it's a crutch or something else.

Because to be quite frank with you, I really can't tell the difference between me intimidating someone or me creeping someone out. Because honestly there was no reason why this girl did what she  did. It's not like I said it under my breath or anything of that nature. I looked at her dead in her face and said it and acted as if I didn't.

Back to the smiling thing....

I'm really not sure if I smiled at her when I spoke. Which is my insecurity speaking loud and clear.  I honestly cannot wait to start this invisalign treatment. I am sooooo fucking sick of feel self conscious about my smile. I'm ready to make changes so I can be the confident man that I'm fucking supposed to be!

Before bed

These past few days have been interesting to say the least. I'm in a lot better mood than I was around a week ago. I've encountered 2 new women in my life. Both of them are nothing special at all. And theu are both on the same level of attractiveness. Maybe even a little lower than J. Speaking of which I haven't spoken to her in a while. I'm not rushing it either.

These women are honestly just women I can practice on. I know that sounds wrong or dehumanizing but that's just how I feel. They arent girls that I would ever see myself pursuing at all. Which is why I'm allowing them to do most of the chasing. I dont call or talk to them unless they hit me up. I've had sex with both women. 1 even on the first date.

I call them practice for a few reasons. But the main reason is the focus of my mindstate when im around them.  I dont put them on a pedestal and I act almost aloof or indifferent most of the time. I still flirt to let them know that I'm interested in smashing but nothing more than that. And this is how I need to be with all women. Including the ones I'm really interested in.  Because I've been noticing a pattern. Once I show too much interest then things get messed up. Once I show just enough then things go perfectly.

These 2 encounters have also made me realize just how much effort I have to really do in order for things to work in my favor.  And I'll tell you, it's not much. I didn't even spend money on one of the girls. We met in a store parking lot and she followed me home.

This has all made me realize all of the mishaps I've had happen recently and in the past with women. And a lot of those situations could've been avoided completely honestly. And just to think , I haven't even began my invisalign treatment yet. My confidence is going to rise so freaking high!!