When connections seem timeless

I'm not going to lie....I'm pretty happy right now. Even though what im doing feels wrong but feels so right at the same time.

I now have 3 pages left to color of my comic series JOG. Extra happy about that. Because now I have time to focus on commissions and character studies for my next project.  I also have to finally finish off Magnor. I've been holding it off because its ending contained a major spoiler to the ending of JOG. But now that JOG is ending, it's the perfect time to clear it out.

In the midst of coloring, I get a text from my ex. She asked if I could pick her up from her mom's house so she can move into her new apartment. At first I didn't want to do it. But then she mentioned that she'd buy me dinner and I quickly changed my mind. So I waited about an hour and half and made my way over there.  It was pretty late and on the way to her pick her up I kept thinking of where we could go to get some food. Then I thought about my favorite bar. The one right up the street from my place.  I figured this would be the perfect time for us to catch up and maybe I could flirt with her a bit.

I really wasn't sure how things would go when I picked her up because she seemed her usual friendly self. When we got to the bar I knew I had to say something sexual.  she was wearing a tank top and a throwover and I noticed she kept trying to cover herself up with the throwover and I mentioned it. She immediately started blushing and said something under her breath. I asked what she said she looked at me with a smile and said "nothing" (green light)

So I came up with some excuse for her to come back to the crib. But i really didn't need to. She wanted to come and probably figured that we'd end up there anyways.  So we get in and I pour up some wine and we watch tv. After a certain amount of time I just knew that she wasn't going anywhere any time soon so I had to try her. As stated in my last post, I really wanted to have sex with  her. I couldn't put my finger on it at first but I really, really missed her. And she clearly wanted to have sex with me too. Everything was smooth and super easy.  We had sex twice last night.  And if it weren't so late im sure it would've a 3rd. It honestly felt like the best sex I've had in a while. During, she kept telling me that she loved me and that She missed me. In my head I'm wondering if She has had sex with anyone since we split? I never got around to asking her though.  I know she's dating but according to her, she's doesn't really like any of the guys she's talking to so I'm not sure.  She ended up staying the night and in the morning she made us breakfast. It honestly felt like our lives were on pause for 4 months and we finally pressed play again. It's crazy.

So this is what it's like when you build a connection with someone who genuinely likes you back. None of the games. None of the bullshit.  I mean, granted I am also dating around but I've honestly never felt a connection with anyone like I do with my ex.

After we ate breakfast, I took her to her apartment which is around 5 minutes away. So I know I'll be seeing a lot more of her. She was even the first to suggest her coming over more often. Which I don't have a problem with as long as I don't have plans.  Which has been kinda rare these days anyway. We have an interesting situation going on right now. I'm guessing it's like a "Friends with benefits" type situation right now. Where we clearly love each other but we are both leaving our options open and we aren't tying each other down. I did ask her the question I mentioned in a previous post and she said she'd respect whatever situation that comes around if things become serious with someone else and I agreed. But until then we are just being friends....well more than friends lol

Not sure how long this would last though...

I love her. And I more than likely always will.  She told me that she would drop everything for me without question. So in sure she loves me just as much.

Can't sleep

It's about to be 4:30 in the morning and I have to be at work by 7. But i really can not sleep. Simply because I have a lot on my brain right now.

I'm dead broke right now. Because I had to register my car earlier this week and the taxes murdered my earnings for this month. I was barely getting by as it is and now I got my ass handed to me on a silver platter. All the money I made were for commissions I haven't really had the chance of working on yet. This is because ive been lazer focused on finishing off this comic.  But the commission todo list is getting bigger and bigger. I've gotten a shit ton of work done on the comic though. Still 10 pages left. But ive made progress because they are all inked and ready to go. Which is the most time consuming part of the process. So now I get to color which is easily the best part.
I started coloring them last night and now I have 8 pages left to color. If everything goes as planned, i should have everything ready to go by next week. 👌

Now for some other reasons why I can't sleep.....

So, as expected, the girl that was supposed to meet up with me didn't show up. I'm low-key not even surprised at this point. Girls are emotional creatures. They'll feel a certain way one day and then feel a completely different way another.  Which is why I really need to learn to ignore their advances when it's not beneficial to me.

Case in point, this situation.....When she hit me up that night, i shouldve ignore her message until the next day. Smh

But anyway, I called her after I got off work and told her that she should slide through.  She then tells me that she'll call me back in 30 minutes.  30 minutes go by, and hour goes by,  2 hours go by.....I hear nothing from her at all. So at this point I figure she wasn't coming so I went about my usual schedule: working on my comic book. I posted a few stories on my instagram and a few hours later I  checked to see who was watching. Low and behold her name pops up. I'm like really? This is becoming a trend for some odd reason.  A girl will play the fuck out of me or herself and then she will continue to stalk my instagram afterwards.  Happened multiple times these past few months. Everytime it happens I just think to myself: Why?

So basically I'm beginning to learn that a lot of these chicks value my attention more than anything else. They don't really care if they ever see me again as long as I give them some sort of attention. Which is why I can barely get any of them to actually make plans and ACTUALLY follow through with the plans they make. I notice this because I never call this girl. Hell I barely even text her. So when I actually do pursue her she plays around. It's almost like a cat and mouse scenario.  I need to find a way to meet better chicks. Because this shit is soooo dead. It's safe to say that i won't be talking to her any longer.  She'll just be another lost soul stalking my Instagram account because I refuse to acknowledge her any longer.

Another thing that's wrecking my brain is my ex. It's like, I know we are going to hang out. She texts me almost everyday. But to what extent are we hanging out? I really want to fuck. Can't lie. But does she? Or will she? That's the biggest question that's been wrecking me these past few days. Another huge question is how would this work if either of us find someone else who we connect with? I guess both of those questions will come up when we do eventually get some alone time. I just have to be ballsy enough to let it be known what I want to do.

Man, I honestly cannot wait till it gets warmer outside.  I'm really tired of the snow. I'm tired of the ice. I'm tired of the cold wind.  And I'm really tired of these moronic ass chicks out here. Only time will tell if it's the weather thats making things difficult for me or is it something else?

10 pages

Man...its been a journey.  I can't believe that it's almost over.  My comic now has around 10 pages left for me to ink and color before everything is complete. Man it's unreal. But I'm glad that it's almost over. It's time for me to move on to bigger things. Like Iron Infiniti. Unlike my first comic, with Iron Infiniti I'm going to take my absolute time getting it just right. Nothing but a ton of TLC action.

Speaking of action, I'm slowly but surely wondering what it is about me that some chicks can deal with and some chicks can't. 

My ex is cool with me now. Chances are we are going to get close again. But not too close. I dont want those problems.  I have another girl that comes over every now and then and we have a good time. But I wouldn't say that I'm 100% attracted to her. I have another girl that I talked about a few posts earlier that recently reconnected with me. I'm sure she realized that I wasn't going to hit her up any more. So she sent me a DM in Instagram . We're supposed to be hanging tommorow but I have learned never to rely on women so im not going to act to excited. I got another girl number on Tinder. Playing it slow with her. I'll probably hit her up but I'm going to wait until next week before trying to meet with her. The tall  girl that came over last Saturday still checks my IG stories so chances are I'll be hearing from her soon.

Out of all those situations, I cant help but wonder why the girls I actively pursue never really like me or push me off? Speaking of Tinder, I super liked this girl on Tinder 2 days ago because I thought she looked super familiar.

I'll get to that in just a moment.....

Apparently she liked what she saw because she liked me back. I immediately sent her a message asking if we've met before. I waited around 20 minutes to see if she's respond. In the mean time I kept swiping on other profiles.  I came across her profile again, i thought this was weird because it was a seperate profile from the other one. This one had her real name and her interests.  And turns out that she's a nerd. She likes anime, working out, and hiking. In just thinking to myself: "this is too perfect."

I get back to my inbox to see that this chick either deleted that profile that we matched on or she unmatched me. Now im thinking what the fuck? Super attractive girls who are into anime are so fucking weird to me.  They almost always never seem to be interested in anything I got going on. I try to talk to them all the time but nothing ever seems to work out right.

Now, the reason I thought she was so familiar looking is because back when I first started going out alone, I went out to this lounge and I was pretty much a wallflower until more women came in. This was one of the first and only times where I didn't really hesitate to approach the girls I found attractive. I approached 3 girls that night. And the last one is the one that caught my attention the most. Her face....I don't think I'll ever forget that face. It was almost identical to the girl that matched with me on Tinder. I shook her hand and she had a firm handshake.  She told me she was in the military. I told her I was about to leave out but I handed her my card and told her to call me. Needless to say she never did call me. And part of me is still pretty upset about that because she was definitly one of the prettiest chicks I have ever approached.

But what gets me is that this girl on Tinder never mentioned the military on either of her accounts. So either this wasn't the same girl and I'm just tripping,  she has a twin, or she was lying. It still doesn't explain to me why she unmatched with me.  I swear I feel like im not doing anything out of the ordinary with any of these chicks. I'm just being me,  not using any tricks or cheap pick up lines anymore. Just being me and genuine yet it's hard to keep a decent chick around these days.

I guess things are just more difficult for me. Always has been. Always will be. I guess I just need to live with that.

Working title

These past few days I've been doing nothing but working on my comicbook. I have a total of 3 to 5 pages left to thumbnail and ink. And around I pages to color before I'm finished with it completely. Luckily this journey is almost over. Then I'll take a break and only work on commissions and character designs for the sequel comic.

The name of the sequel will definitely change. Even though it's a sequel I've been thinking about distancing it's name away from the original series name. This way it could develop a broader fan base of people. I really can't want to work on the new character designs. The ones I did a few years ago were ok but clearly outdated.  It's time for some changes.

Now for other news.....

My love life is a joke. No seriously, it's pretty bad right now. Out of all 3 things that was supposed to happen last weekend only 1 did. And it was with one of the girls I've previously been intimate with.

The other one who I met up with was already  mentioned in the previous entry.  And then there was this other girl that was supposed to meet up with me on Monday but never showed up. What gets me about her is the chick was far from pretty.  Probably around a 5 1/2 in scale. But she still flaked. It's crazy how average looking women flake nowadays. She told me she was sorry. I just smh and deleted her number.  I bet she was expecting me to continue texting because I'm  sure a lot of these other guys would do that but I'm not even about to be put in that circle with those guys.

But then....I did something I instantly regretted. I contacted that girl one more time just to see if anything would change. Basically because I listen to one of those dating coaches on YouTube and they told me that the guy is supposed to do all of the pursuing in the beginning of courting. He also mentioned that the guy should text the girl once a week.

Now granted, the previous week when I hit her up she told me that she's busy with school and work which I guarantee was a lie. She then said "maybe Friday" so of course when Friday came around I didn't hear from her. So I hit her up again Monday just to see what was up. She texted back rather quickly.  I then suggest we meet up sometime later this week and she stopped texting all together.

I just find it super interesting that a girl....nah.... a grown ass woman can't even tell you that they aren't interested.  It's crazy how they will continue talking to you over and over again instead of just deleting your number and never speaking to you again.  This all makes me feel that she was never planning on meeting with me on New Years Eve. Shoulda known something was up when I had to get in contact with her to figure out if she was still coming. She didn't even have the common courtesy to let me know that she couldn't make it. So in all honesty I dont even know what I saw in the bitch. She never once respected my time. Not once. So I went ahead and deleted her number out of my phone.  I did this before and she ended up texting me and i replied like a dumbass. This time, even if she tries ti get in contact with me again I most likely wont even try to make a connection. She just showed me her true colors. Hopefully someone new will come around so I can wipe her ass out of my memory. Because I'm tired of thinking about what could've happened if she were actually cooperating with me.

Stupid bitch....

The principles

I noticed that I'm starting to use this blog as something I can post that I can't post on Facebook. Don't want people judging me more than they already do. Besides, I want  my Facebook to only have art related posts. All of my other ideas and thoughts can go here.

I really need to figure out how to apply the principles of certain things the correct way when im put under pressure.

An update from earlier today.....

Ol girl actually showed up. She stayed for 4 hours. And im sure she was expecting sex to happen. There's no way she would drive all the way out here just to watch tv. At first I was trying to read her energy because I did start this whole thing with a lie. She's 5'8 and I'm 5'7 But I told her I was 5'8 too.  I will never do that shit again. So when she walked in, that was the first thing she mentioned.  Red flag. But she sat down and we finally started warming up to each other. 

But I wasn't really able to do anything I wanted because for some reason everytime I get a around a girl all of the principles and ideologies seem to go out the window. We made out and I did some petting. But she didn't touch me not once. It was at a point where I physically had to grab her hand and put it on my dick to let her know what I was trying to do. But she was playing acting like she didn't want to do anything. She quickly moved her hand So I backed off.

I then started feeling on her ass but she would only let me touch. Wouldn't let me pull her pants down at all. I tried to put my had down her pants a few times but she wouldn't let me get too far down.  So at this point I should've told her that it was time to go but I kept trying. She did continue kissing me but at this point in my short dating life, kissing and making out isn't that big of a deal. A chick will do all that and still not really like you like that.

She just left and things were super awkward because she's already taller than me.  She had plans to go out with her friends so she wanted to see me first.  She arrived at 6 and planned on leaving at 7:30. But she ended up leaving at 10:00. Her friends are pissed at her and she acted as if she kinda didn't care. So I'm not sure how to really read that. I mean she stayed with me longer than expected so I wasn't sure if she wanted to stay because she liked me or if she wanted to stay because she was anticipating sex.

When she finally did leave she had on heels so she was towering over me now. We hugged and kissed but she had to bend down a little to do so. So I'm sure she felt awkward too. Ugh lol

I'm really not too sure if I'll hear from her again. If I do, she better be trying to smash because if she plays around like she did tonight then I will just charge her to the game. My problem now is finding a way to get girls comfortable enough to have sex with me the first night we hang out. This was never a problem when I was younger.  I may need to contact one of these dating coaches because im starting to notice a pattern.  That's one of my major problems right now and its killing my game. Only time will tell if she contacts me after tonight. Because I Damn sure won't be contacting her first....

Epiphany

Just woke up but I wanted to get some thoughts off my chest with a few updates.....

I've been working on this comic nonstop for about 2 days. I've made progress but it feels like I haven't gotten anywhere yet. I have 8 pages inked and I have around 13 more to go. Then I can finally call this story finished.  Thank God!! Lol

Im at a crossroads in what I want to do after I'm finished with it though.  My original plan was to hold a Kickstarter campaign to make enough funds for print but I'm really unsure of myself and my fans. Not to mention my writer for my next project unexpectedly quit and she was going to help me out on that end. Smh

But yeah I'm just  not sure if the fans would support to get these books printed. And for just 50 copies of them it would cost around a thousand to print. I also have to worry about audio and video.  Luckily I'm back cool with my ex so I would be able to use her services to help me out but I guess I'm just afraid of the out come

Speaking of the women in my life,  things have shifted a bit. My crush, honestly is no longer my crush. Things just never went anywhere. So in my head I know what her true motives were. She was never really into me. All the signs were there and I just kept fucking trying yo make things work over and over again.  To my surprise she contacted me on Wednesday. But it wasnt for a reason that I thought. She just wanted to see how much I would charge to draw her.  In my head I'm thinking "you bum bitch, if you actually pursued me on a serious level I would draw pictures for you free of charge!" But I just told her it depends. I then shifted the convo to us seeing each other again. (I know 😔) and she said maybe Friday.  Once I read maybe, I already knew what that meant. So I said ok and left it at that. Friday comes along and of course I dont hear from her at all.

So yeah she's definitly not a priority of mine anymore and to be honest she should've never been. The difference between a girl who is interested and a girl who is on the fence is a pretty big deal. I mean granted,  im starting to have a hard time depending on any woman these days but the ones who are interested in me at least contact me first 80 percent of the time. I normally don't even have to initiate contact.

That leads to this......

There's this girl who I've been talking to for around 2 weeks. She texts me first every single time. We've basically just been texting back and forth. But yesterday I decided to talk on the phone with her. I figured I'm not doing anything but inking these comic pages so I think I should be able to talk and work at the same time. Things went pretty well.

I will say that I'm slowly realizing that a lot of girls are more similar than they are different. This girl sounded and acted just like one of my exes. It got so crazy to a point where I zoned out and I almost felt like I was talking to my ex instead of her. It was crazy. She is also a big anime nerd like me and is into ecchi anime. It's crazy how I always thought I was weird for liking that stuff where there are women out here who are just as freaky. But yeah we hit it off pretty well. I'm supposed to see her today, but again I'm not trying to rely on women anymore because stupid shit always seem to find a way to happen.
But I'm just gonna keep trying to think positive thoughts.

After I got off the phone with her, i talked to another girl on the phone for around 2 hours. Didn't even feel like we were on the phone that long but we were. This is a contradiction but she isnt like the first girl at all. She was more mellow, quiet, and introverted. Took a while for me to get to her to open up. We are supposed to meet up on Monday. This is definitely an experiment. First girl ever that im going to try to get her to meet me at my house verses taking her out somewhere first. So this is going to be super interesting.

And to top it off, one of my other female friends is coming over on Sunday. I know we are guaranteed to have a good time so im not really worried about her.  

Im not going to lie, i do feel really good right now.  Even though the girl I really want to see more basically dissed me and doesn't see the value in me at all. But at the end of the day, the true meaning of abundance does make you a happier person. I just hope that my happiness doesn't desolve away once all of these girls start acting up on me. I just need to find more and work on my purpose

I have another story to tell, but I'll save that for another day......

Journey

Today is a landmark in a way.  I am finally down to the last page of thumbnails before my comic is complete.  Man i honestly can't believe it's been 5 years since I started this thing. Thank goodness it's almost over. It's been a tough journey to say the least. I finished coloring around 4 pages today and I have no more to color until I start inking again. So I have a lot of work for me to get through.  I just might meet the deadline to finally complete this series. I hope to have everything done by the end of this month. It's now the 10th so I have around 22 days to do it. If I stay focused, i just might be able to.

Got another girl story to tell.....

So I want to say around 2 months after me and my ex split I went out with this girl that was showing me extremely high levels of interest on Facebook.  She would like my statuses and like almost all of my pictures.  So I figured that I might as well try her. It was a struggle to get her to meet me at first  but when we did finally meet, I admit, I was instantly attracted to her. She had the prettiest smile and she had freckles. There's just something about girls with  freckles......

It seemed like we hit it off pretty cool too, it was so interesting how things went because she paid for everything. Paid for my drinks and paid for my food. I was looking like "wow, this is different. But i like it. " she even got to the bar on time. I was like wow!! During the date I mentioned that my birthday was coming up. She acted as if she was so interested. She even worked up the nerve to pick her phone up and pretend like she was actually reminding her self on her calendar on the date of my birthday.  She was making it seem like she was sooo fucking interested in hanging with me on that day.

Well come to find out, I never heard from her on my birthday. Matter of fact,  I never hear from her period. It's one of those situations where I have to constantly reach out to her just to get a inkling of her attention. And I know what that usually means.

She's not at all interested. (This shit is becoming a fucking trend lately, I swear)

Now she told me that she works for a company where she does a lot of traveling so it's kinda hard for her to stay focused. But i find it hard to believe that if she was at all interested in me, that she would at least call or text to see how i was doing. But the shit never happened.  It got so bad that I had to initiate contact with her after my birthday and the bitch had the nerve to tell me that I didn't call her. Why would I have to call you on MY birthday? She then tells me that she's out of town. So I tell her to call me when she gets back in town. 

Weeks go by and I still never heard from her. I eventually found out through Facebook that she's been back in town. This is when I realized that she was just toying with me this entire time.   She never once thought to get in contact with me. So I knew it after that. Waited a couple of days and deleted her number. And wouldn't you know it, the very next day after, the bitch texts me. But it wasnt to see how I was doing.  It was just to ask me what my Instagram account was.

I was pissed. But like usual I try to give people the benefit of the doubt.  (I'm done doing this by the way) I texted her today  just to see if she would respond. She responded 1 minute later. I then texted back asking if she was busy. 10 minutes go by. 30 minutes go by. An hour goes by.

I then said fuck it. Told her that I won't be contacting her any longer and deleted her number for good.  She never responded with anything.  So I said fuck it and deleted her off my Facebook too. What's the purpose of pursuing someone that I can't see or even fucking talk to?

I really need to figure out what it is about me that keeps attracting chicks who play games and aren't at all serious about me. Is it my energy? Is it my personality? Is it my look?

Or does it have anything to even do with me? And if not, then why does this process seem so damn repetitive?