Random thoughts about art and instagram

So im sitting in the waiting room at the dentist office ready for my first consultation for invisalign and I'm on Instagram.  For as long as I've been on Instgram strictly for art, I've noticed that my page has been picking up huge amounts of steam.  My account is almost to a point where it can no longer be ignored. By anyone.  Not even the the artists with larger followings can ignore it.

So I find it funny how some folks who I've been following for ages intentionally ignore my content on the daily.  There are a few artists who I've been following for a long time. Some that have directly influenced me to get to the level that I am currently at.

So in a way, It would feel really good and id feel pretty accomplished if I were acknowledged by some of them. Luckily some of them do acknowledge me by dropping a few likes on my pictures. Some even check out my Instagram stories to see what I'm up to. Which is cool.

But I can't help but feel a certain type of way when it seems like some artists go out of their way not to show love. What's funny is that some of these artists definitely know of me and my art. Some even met me in person. Especially the ones that I look up to. I let this be a personal drive of mine the past few years. This could possibly be the reason why I've massively improved my own skillset in the past year.

Maybe I'm just being paranoid. But i do find it interesting how some of these same artists seem to give other artists love even if they are clearly beginners or at a lower level than me.  This could possibly be a result of the whole Facebook fiasco from last year. Apparantly I burned a ton of bridges without even knowing it. Simply because "they" didn't like what I posted on MY Facebook account. My problem with that is even if you don't like me as a person, you cannot deny the quality of my work.

Part of me wants to believe that some of these artists are genuinely innocent. And no one is even thinking about me and what I got going on. But another part of me wants to believe that they have a personal vendetta against me. And it's not a good feeling.

But I have to try my best to ignore things a push forward. Even if none of those artists give me props I have to remember that I do have a fan base of people who love to see new content from me. It's up to me to see if they are my true fans or just folks who want to be nosey.

One of the last

So....tomorrow is the day. The day that I start a new journey that I have been putting off simply because I thought I could overcome my inner thoughts about my self image. But unfortunately I've been having a really difficult time doing so. It's funny because all throughout highschool I was a little self conscious but it seems like things have gone overboard as I've gotten older. So much so that even if what I'm perceiving greatly differs from what others are perceiving, no amount of proof will make me feel better about things until I change it. Which is why no one knows about this move in going to make tomorrow but me.

I've expressed things with my ex when we were together and she didn't approve of my thought process. I talked to my mom about it around thay same time and she understood. I didn't really talk about it to anyone else. So it would more than likely come as a shock to people who haven't been around me and most likely wont see me until the process is near completion.

So what am I talking about?

I'm talking about invisalign.  Braces.  Aligned. All of that shit.

Again, when I was in highschool I was self conscious about my look. I was afraid to smile in fear of what others might think of me. I think this fear may have started in 9th or 10th grade. Although I still maintained attention from the ladies, I still felt low about myself.

My dad had the same teeth as I did. But because he was slightly taller than I am now and his frame was wider, his teeth didn't stick out as much. He always seemed to have relentless confidence. Something I always tried to mimic or fake. Hell I even mimic some of his mannerisms to this day. But for some reason I could never inherit his confidence.

I've dug deep inside myself and my thoughts over the past years. I ask myself,  "What is the underlying issue here?"  I keep getting the same answer over and over again each time I ask . Some people are sensitive about certain things. The appearance of my teeth just happen to be my sensitivity. It just may be the cause of my lack of motivation and confidence to step to any women I want or interact in any situation that may cause a spike in tension.

I always have this constant thought of how people are perceiving me when I speak. How much attention are they paying to my mouth rather than my eyes or something else? So im looking to eliminate these thoughts wirh actions. It's unfortunate that there are some folks who don't have the means or ability to change something they don't like about themselves because most of the time these attributes aren't changeable like height for instance. So I'm very fortunate to be able to make this life changing decision.

I'm just imagining all of the times when I've caught the eye of a random stranger and they smiled at me and I didn't smile back. Or the times where I caught the eye of a pretty girl and instead of smiling and waving I either ignored her or approached her and still got no where. Hell I'm not even sure if I smiled with those approaches either.  🤔

Invisalign is far from cheap too. But at the end of the day I look at it from a longevity stand point. I'll be 30 on a year and a half. By the time I reach my 30th birthday I want to be smiling and confidence that will put the gods to shame.  I would much rather shell out the money now than to wait and wonder "what if?" Also I would much rather live on this earth for another 30 years without having the thought of low self esteem touch me ever again. I can't deal with another 30 years of wondering if I'll ever be confident. It's time to MAKE myself confident.  And tomorrow is the first step.

Date from hell

Man.

I have never felt more like a failure than I do right  now. I feel fucking horrible right now.

Today, I set up a date with 3 different women. Because I knew that all of them would flake out on me. And Damn near all of them did. Except for 1. But really the only reason why she didn't is because I had to contact her first to set up that date.

So here I am, getting all prepared for the date. I rewatched a couple of self help videos on YouTube  to get me hyped.  I got to the bar  and I even chatted with the bartender and a dude that was sitting next to me so I could get as comfortable with talking to strangers as much as I could. And then my date came in. She was super cute and attractive.  And definitely someone I could see myself having sex with.  We hugged each other,  I let it be known that I was interested in her sexually and everything went by smoothly.

In those self help videos, there were  suggestions to visualize the interaction going well so you'll be more confident when the interaction becomes a reality. I did so I believe it worked in my favor. Not only was I more confident but I was more self aware of what I wanted out of the interaction.  So much so that I even invited her over to my house to smoke and chill.  And to my surprise, for the first time, she actually came over . On the way to my place I kept visualizing how things would go while getting hyped from the music I was listening to.

When we finally got in and settled down we began smoking and conversating more. After a while I got bored so I told her to move closer to me. And she either nervously or reluctantly moved closer me. Red Flag

She did so and then I tried to go in for a kiss. She moved her head , pretty much denying me a kiss. Now I'm sitting here a little shocked. This has never happened to me before. If a girl comes over to my place of residence then she more than likely understands how things are supposed to go. So I couldn't help but be surprised with her antics. I tried to play it off but something tells me that she picked up on my vibe that I was puzzled and confused.  She then commented on that she thinks I deal with a lot of girls because of my eyes. Which is not the first time a girl has brought this to my attention.  At the beginning I thought it was flattering but now I'm starting to believe that it shouldn't be at all. It's starting to feel like an excuse that a girl can use to not want to get sexual with me. 

So I brushed it off and kept smoking and drinking. We then went on with conversation. As she is still sitting on my couch and conversating I couldn't help but think if the situation I had with another individual who would not do anything I asked of her. So after a while I said "fuck it" and tried to get a kiss again. I told her to move closer to me and she did. Then I went further with suggesting that I wanted to kiss. I used my left hand to guide her to my lips and she moved jjst before it happened.  She told me that She was just shy which is bullshit.  This bitch has a kid and is 2 years older than me. What the fuck is there to be shy about? I just have to face facts and realize that She wasn't interested in me sexually.

My problem with all of this and what hurts me the most is that I thought I was in the right track.  I thought she actually liked me. I mean she risked everything to come over to my house to smoke and drink a little more than we did at the bar. So why would I not think she was interested in dealing with me? After she curved my kiss for the second time I pretty much kicked her out of my apartment.  She acted shocked and surprised but why? Did you really think  I would tolerate hanging with your ass knowing that you have children and knowing that you aren't sexually attracted to me at all? I think not. 

At this point, I'm just at a lost for words. I've gone on dates with  a lot of women in these past few months. And I still do not understand what makes them tick. And what doesn't make them tick. I'm almost to the point where I dont want to date anymore. It seems like every girl I meet doesn't see me in a sexual way no matter how much I change my appearance or personality to fit their standards.  I'm really close to just throwing in the towel.

Late night thinking

It's pretty late right now. And I should be sleep but I can't help but really get into my head and realize just how dull and boring my life has become. Ever since me and my ex split my social life has been complete shit. I Spend most of my time alone or drawing. I dont have many friends. Matter of fact I really don't have any. The friends I did have no longer live in the area or they just stopped reaching out and its becoming more and more difficult for me to get out and do things.  Simply because I am seriously tired of always doing things on my own. No one invites me to parties. I dont get invited for bar nights.  And if I do, it's with people I could give 2 shits about.

After deleting so many people from my Facebook, I felt good for a good 5 hours but after the fact, I felt pretty shitty. Knowing that so many folks from highschool were connected to me on Facebook but not a single soul even reached out to see how i was doing or anything like that. I kept thinking to myself why the fuck are you even on here? So that's when all the deleting happened. 

I went from 1600 friends to 700 friends and counting.  I can see myself doing a few more friends list purges in the future but things are ok for right now.  I'm just so tired of not having any type of social life. It is pretty telling how much of a social life I had while I was with my ex. It seems that we were definitly attached to the hip. More than I ever thought or imagined. I didnt even realize the fact that my friends were slowly dwindling while I was in that relationship. Things kept dwindling until my ex literally became my only friend. 

So now I'm thinking could it be? Am I the common denominator? I admit the year of 2017 was a pretty rough one for me simply because I was not in the mental state that I should've been in. But i managed to break through that mental rut and achieved my  main goal of 2017. And that was to become a more successful artist. It's just funny that in order to achieve that goal, i sacrificed  many other things. Like my relationship or relationships with  friends or with people who I thought were my friends.

So right now I'm feeling more alone than I ever did before. I dont have anyone I could hang with and talk man shit to. Well at least not right now. In the near future my childhood friend will return and things will get back to normal for me a little bit. But right now I feel more lonely than I did back in 2011. And the funny thing about that is I swore to myself that I would never be put in that mind space again. But here we are again, 7 years later and I'm right back at it.

I swear sometimes I feel like I just can't fucking win in life. I can't ever just be happy. It's always a give and take. And I'm so fucking sick of it.

Time for a change

I haven't posted in a while because there was really nothing worthwhile to mention. The weather has been ridiculous these past few days. Doesn't know whether to  be cold or warm. I can tell all of the wildlife outside is just as confused as we are.

I haven't really been dealing with any new women simply because Its almost down right impossible to get a third woman in my life.  Because of the weather,  I don't want to go out. So its becoming more and more difficult to talk to women in person.  So I've been continuously using Tinder with no luck. I must say that I am definitely getting more matches this time around but  most of the time the girls don't live in Atlanta. And if they do live out here, they end up doing something that pisses me off before we go on a date or they act extremely aloof like they could care less about meeting up. I'm almost to the point where I dont even wanna take these chicks out anywhere any more. It's so stupid and more than half of the time it goes absolutely no where. 

Speaking of which, i had a revelation on Facebook yesterday.  There are still some folks who absolutely do not like me or what I stand for but they continue to remain connected with me on there.  One girl in particular who I thought was pretty attractive said some bullshit about me that was completely false. Shes part of some black girl nerd group out here in Atlanta that a few girls from highschool (that were also on my page) are a part of. So after that situation I went and did a complete friend sweep. Got rid of most of those folks.

This way,  all of the folks who don't use Facebook anymore can get off and the folks who don't interact with me can get off.  This way my engagement can rise and folks who actually interact with me will have a higher chance of seeing my content. And the folks who don't care will show themselves by removing themselves or I'll remove them myself.  I did the exact same thing on Instagram and it was a slow process but my engagement skyrocketed!

This leads me to my final point. I'm not sure if I mentioned W on here before but if I did, then I also may have mentioned that I connected with her ass on Facebook to get her number. And the fact that her ass played me twice. I tried setting something up with her twice and she completely bullshitted me both times. Normally when a girl does this she will go out of her way to distance herself from you. She won't interact with you or anything you post.  W on the other hand, continued to comment on my shit after the fact.  So, as much as it pissed me off and as much as I wanted to pursue something with her I just had to come to terms with myself that it will never happen ever. So I went ahead and deleted her.

Oh well fuck her bitch ass. The best thing she could've done was tell me that she wasn't interested. But she lead me on. And I let it happen twice. 

I'm old enough to know what cooperation looks like even though I've only been around it a few times I'm still no dummy.

So fuck her and her attention whore ass. 🖕

Life

I'm in a terrible mood and I've kinda been in the funk for the past 2 days.

Like usual nothing seems to go my way when it comes to women and relationships. The 2nd date I had with M never happened. And she regressed to doing what all of these other women I come into contact with do. They lose interest and they dont say why nor do they tell me that they did lose interest.  They just simply stop replying to my text messages or stop answering the phone when I call. M in particular has never called or texted me first. So maybe that was red flag in itself .

Every woman who I've come into contact with in the past 6 months has done this to me one way or another. I'm honestly beginning to believe that it's simply something about me that women hate. I don't know what it is and for some reason no one will tell me so I can change. But then again, even if I change things about myself, things probably won't work in my favor. I mean look at all the things I've changed so far. Changed my clothing, changed my pictures on tinder,  changed how I act around women and still, i get played around on. It's amazing how just last week I felt unstoppable and this week I feel like complete and utter shit.

My ex loves me to the world and back and I can't figure out what she sees in me. And why is it that she seems like the only woman on this planet who actually likes me in a way that I want to be liked? It's getting so bad that I'm actually considering going to a psychic to figure out what's wrong with me. I need to figure out if the path I'm on is the right one because I simply don't know anymore. This fucking city is overflowing with women but for some reason I can't find one that is genuinely interested in me at all. And the ones that do like me are bottom of the barrel and aren't what im particularly looking for.

I dont know man I'm just over it. I'm tired of dealing with these women online. Nothing good has come from it.

And now I have to deal with women in person and that's even more difficult because of my issues with approach anxiety.  I dont know man. I feel defeated.....

Tommorow = interesting?

Yeah....Tommorow and Sunday are going to be interesting....

Well.... mainly Tommorow.

Sunday is going to be kinda normal for me depending on what plans actually go down.

Tommorow I will be hanging with one of the girls from last weekend. Let's call her M. I talked to her on the phone today and once again she seemed really eager to hear from me. I like that, but I do find it kind of strange that I have to constantly get in contact with her instead of the the other way around. But whatever the case, were supposed to meet up at Piedmont park tommorow that is if it doesn't rain. But there's a high chance that it will so that might not happen. I still very much want to see M again So even if it does rain I'll definitely map out a plan B.

Sunday I may be hanging with J. She clearly understands the type of situation we have and isn't complaining about it at all. Which is great. Because I don't have time for it and she'd get dropped at a instant if she did.

My ex texted me earlier today asking to come over tommorow.  I told her that it couldn't happen and that she should come over today instead. She told me that she had plans already and she couldn't make it.

Now granted, I know I said that it doesn't bother me to know that she's dealing with other guys. But for some reason a part of me just can't get over that fact. Even knowing the fact that I'm dealing with other women it's just something that I've been having a really tough time getting over these past few days. At first I didn't think too much about it because it was never mentioned. It was just understood. But the last time she came over, we briefly talked about how we are dealing with other people. A part of me was shocked to know that she's fucked other dudes. But then a part of me wasn't shocked.  I'm all confused in my feelings.

I know I'm too Damn grown to have jealousy rip the fun I'm having right now so I just need to get over it. I'm having sex with 2 girls right now with no commitment what so ever. 1 is completely infatuated with me and the other just likes me a lot. And with the addition of M, I'm really hoping I can make it happen with her and have her join J and my ex.

Aside from my ex, M is the only girl I've been thinking about this past week. Really curious to see how things are going to go tommorow,  Given the fact that I let it be known to her where my mind was at the first time we talked on the phone.  I just hope none of this comes back to bite me in the ass because ive been in 2 situations where a girl fell off simply because they know my ex or know of my ex. Just found out today that around the time me and my ex seperated, she shared a post from a girl i was trying to talk to last month. So they definitely know of each other. I swear this city is so freaking small.

Well, hopefully, since M seems far removed from my lifestyle or the lifestyle my ex lives in, I won't have any problems. Well, only time will tell.....