Headspace

My head space is all over the place right now. I wouldn't say that I'm happy, but I'm content.

I didn't update or interact that much at all with my Instagram account today. I just figured that I needed a break.  I barely drew anything also. Simply because I had errands to tend to. I got my hair retwisted and cleaned my car for the first time in like 2 months. After that I was determined to get some female interaction. I was thinking about calling J but I couldn't help myself. I called my ex instead. It's just something about her energy that I love being around. It looks like she's actually starting to improve and live her life. Good for her. All the positive energy she brings keeps my hopes up. Keeps my hopes that I at least have one girl who genuinely likes me for friendship and sex. When I talk to other girls I just sense the bullshit I'm going to deal with.

Which is why I started listening to another dating coach. But this one seems so much different than the others. Not only is this new guys stuff fresh and new, but it breaks down everything so perfectly. He even breaks down stuff that I couldn't understand about women. He basically explains in his books that you have to be bold in a sexual way when you are out with a woman or when you approach them. You have to let them know exactly what your intentions are and if they act offended, then thats all it is, an act 50% of the time. So you have to be persistent.

This thought process is called Mode 1 and I think this could be the missing puzzle.  I'm going test it soon. I've tested it on my ex and it works. Next I'm going to test it out on J.........

And....

The girl that dissed me before this blog,  has come back. I reached out to her strategically on facebook after she split with her short term boyfriend. To my surprise she actually answered. But response times were slowed because Facebook has developed of habit of not telling you when you have new messages or Notifications. So today I decided to pretend like I forgot I had her number and hit her up a day later.  To my surprise she answered there too. I told her that I wanted to get some ice creme. We scheduled a meet up next week on Wednesday.

Now this girl has played me before by going to see another guy while she planned to come see me.  So I'm not even sure if we're just playing a game of cat and mouse or not. I just know that if it does happen then I have to be highly sexual.  And be causal about sex and explicit language. I have no problem doing it with my ex or even J on occasions so It shouldn't be with other girls. This let's her know that I'm not trying to be her friend. I want to have sex with her and it's her choice if she wants to reciprocate.  But in order to get there and not fuck this up I have to let things be known that I want to have sex with her or sexually flirt with her....

Well I'm getting tired.....

I'll update my progress soon....

Thoughts and concepts

I don't know man, I've just been feeling really weird these last few days. It must have to do with my current failure to sell anything comic related at the Con this year. Which is kind of unusual. I haven't felt this way in a long time.  But it reminded me of how I felt when I people walked past me at Momocon one year. Almost like I didn't exist or something. So now it's like I'm unsure of my talents. I know I shouldn't compare myself to other artists but there were kids walking around with stick figure posters all over the place. I think I sold only 5 posters the entire weekend. I guess I'll just have to push harder in order to reach more of an audience.

Which leads me to today.....

I debuted one of my newest characters from my new project today. Fan reaction is mostly positive so far. As much as I love my first comic project, it was weighing me down. So I'm glad that I can finally start drawing characters that the audience will care about.

As far as women are concerned.....

I managed to get my jeans in the mail and I wore them both out in about during the week. I really like them but I still need more things in order to revamp my wardrobe. I got my ex to take some photos. Yes I'll use some of them for social media but I am definitely using some for Tinder when I get back on it. I have a feeling things will go better the next time I begin to use it.

Speaking of Tinder, the 2 girls who I started talking to before I deleted my profile are falling off. No surprise there....

One of them is acting weird. And at first I didn't know why, but after checking out her Facebook, i think I have a pretty good feeling why....

She is super close friends with one of my ex's friends.  On top of that, i think she still has a boyfriend. She hasn't texted me back in a week so I guess that's over with.  It just sucks that this city is so freaking small.

The other girls is only talking to me through Instagram. (I know, red flag)
She won't give me her number and all in all I'm feeling more and more down on myself everytime I talk to her. She gets online all throughout the day but seems to only manage to text me back briefly for short periods of time. So nah, im definitly not on her priority list.

Also,  On Friday I gave this girl my card while ordering my food at Zaxbys. This girl was cute as hell and I let it be known. She smiled and said thanks. I am proud of myself for even doing that.  But of course I never heard from her again.....its been super difficult to get a 3rd woman on my roster. As of right now I have my ex and a girl I'll name J. Both are seemingly infatuated with me and I almost never have to contact them first.  I can't seem to find another one like that at all right now.

Things have gotten so bad I've taken the extra step to contact a chick that dissed me before I made updated this blog last year. She dissed me hard but I still want to fuck. I'm trying to set something up but I'm not going to be surprised if it falls through like usual. But if we do finally meet up,  im going to go out of my way to let it be known that I want to hook up.

Speaking of hooking up,

So I've been reading this book for about a week and half about being direct with women and  how to talk dirty to women in order to get the excited for sex or during sex. Basically you just have to be bold and sexy.

I tried out a few techniques on my ex and it pissed her off because she never experienced anything like what i did to her even when were together.

Im going to try the same thing on J thr next time I see her. Now if it works on her then I know it will work for any girl.

In my head....again..

Man...ok

Again, I use this blog to prevent myself from posting shit I dont need to post on Social media for everyone to see. So if anyone just so happens to cone across this blog then so be it.

But this is just what's been going on in my mind these past few days.

Girls

Ok, Today has been the first Valentines day I've spent alone in 5 years. I made a decision not to spend time with my ex because we've already been spending too much tine together and spending today together would be overkill. It's hard to imagine or even think that we are just friends at this point.  Because when ever she's around things just feel like we are back to normal again. Like we didn't just break up 4 months ago. I didn't contact her at all today and I didn't think she'd notice, but she did. And she was pissed.  I'm  guessing she feels the exact same way as I do.  But her feelings are much more stronger than mine.  But she'll be ok, we'll be seeing each other again this weekend....

Which brings me to my next thought,  so I managed to talk to one of the girls I met on Tinder before I deleted it. She sounds really cute and her voice matches her pictures so we planned a meet up for next week. But I'm unsure of her intentions.... Really unsure actually.

I didn't know her name so instead of asking, i just asked for her company name because I know she's an entrepreneur. I got to the website and one way or another, I got to her profile. So after I got off the phone with her, I did some digging. It seems like she just got out of a relationship recently. And when I say recently i mean like 3 months recently.....not sure what to think of this honestly.

Actually I'm not even sure if she is even single. Because she still has pictures of her dude on her page. And they were fairly recent.  Which kinda kills me inside because all of this is reminding me of my ex.  She still has all of our pictures on her profile. So its just another reminder of what we had versus what we have now. Granted, I love what we have now but part of me just wishes none of that shit ever happened and we just continued on our path together. We are still on our path together but man, the reprucussions of what happened are freaking awful.

So because of this I am dedicating at least 2 hours per day to  read books and research on how to be more seductive towards woman. I have a ton of new material to read from so I just have to put the work in. Because quite frankly I'm tired of getting played around by women. I keep reading that being straight forward instead of letting things fly maybe the way to go when it comes to women today so maybe that's what I'll do.

Gotta let them know I'm trying to spend time with them on a intimate level.. that just might be what this new Tinder girl is trying to do. I guess I'll never know unless I make it known....

ART

I'm definitely in the dawn of a new step in the right direction for my art. I average around 3 new commissions per week and my follower count on Instagram rises every few days. Which is a crazy contrast on how things were back in 2016 and the beginning of 2017. Which in turn made me hyper sensitive about my work. People weren't engaging with me nor were they really following my progress. Which killed me inside because everywhere I turned people would say they love my work. But my numbers nor engagement was showing that love back.

This made me lash out to people on Deviantart and Facebook. Thus making me public enemy number 1. Since then I've cooled off, not only because the growth I finally obtained but because a great deal of artists follow me on both Platforms.

However, I'm starting to notice a trend and I'm not going to lie, i hate the fact that this is a trend, and I hate the fact that my actions in the past art hurting my opportunities for friendships or connections in the present.  I went through and did a massive unfollow raid a a few nights ago on Instagram.

I also went through and looked at some of the popular black artists on Instagram and seen who they follow. What I find interesting is that more than half of them were following almost all the black artists on Instagram that are deemed popular but they weren't following me. Now I know I'm not the most popular artist on IG but I Damn sure know I'm making waves. My account has been mentioned with a few popular artists accounts so its not like they not seeing my work. Its almost like my stuff is thrown in the faces of all of them until they are forced to block all of my content. So its guaranteed that most of them are ignoring my page instead of just checking out what im doing.

There are 2 artists in particular who watch my IG stories every time I post so I know they are paying attention. It's just that they aren't really willing to connect or even follow my account. I know they will never purchase commissioned work from me or probably never support my comic work but at the same time that  acknowledgement is just as important. It just sucks to know that I dont get the support reciprocated just because of some posts I made on Facebook a year or so ago. I guess I can do nothing more but to show and prove that I'm a force to be reckoned with. 

Which is why I have to push my next project and make it The best looking comic I've done yet. Maybe then I'll get the acknowledgement I want from popular artists in the black artists community....😒

Procrastination

I think I'm still in that tunneled vision DGAF phase in my life right now. I'm only focused on one thing and that's completing my art tasks. I havent really been out in public , I havent had my hair retwisted yet, and I've regressed to only shaving once per week. So yeah I'm probably looking like a total maniac right now......

Thos past Friday, I did an art show for the kids at my old elementary school and it was eye opening at how many kids could potentially be looking up to me. So getting art tasks completed first is the most important thing. This upcoming weekend is going to be a big one because of Onyxcon.  I still have a few things to prepare for but I'm almost mentally there.

I've been hanging around my ex a lot more than I should these past few weeks. Partially because I have no other female to give my attention to at this point. I know it isn't at all too healthy as she is becoming a little too comfortable with coming over every weekend. It's almost as if we are in another relationship. Which feels so good but I know it's bad for the both of us. Which is why, when we aren't talking I found myself on Tinder trying to meet new women. But Tinder has a knack for giving a few succesful matches the first 2 weeks then after that, they hide your profile.  So I went ahead and got my last 2 situations I could get off of the app then I deleted my profile. I dont want to make another one until I get my jeans in the mail and some professional photos. 

Both girls are pretty temporary already,  i can tell. One is only talking to me on Instagram and the other ignored me the first time I initiated contact then hit me back 2 days later. I told her that we should meet up next week and she was cool with it. I'll give her a call sometime this week to touch base but that's all she getting from me. I'm really curious to see how things will be once the temperature goes up outside because honestly I'm ready for a new adventure. I'd like to meet another girl like Mariah, but this time I'd like to actually enjoy being around her 😅

Anyway,  I'm starting to consider putting my comic up for sell digitally first before I move on to physical. I gotta see how many people would purchase the digital first just to see if it would even be a good investment. Only time will tell.....

Other than that I've just been patiently waiting,  screwing around in my own head about all the girls I've interacted with these last few months and how i could've done things differently.  I guess that's just how the cookie crumbles sometimes...

And I have yet to really start lifting weights again. It's just difficult lifting weights knowing that I have a shit ton of artwork to run through,  but at the same time im going to be fat if I keep this up so im going to try and get some type of work out in tommorow, even if it's just a starting point, as long as it's something....

Sheesh

My mind is in a interesting place right now.

It's like im in the middle of wanting to do things but not wanting to do things at the same time. Like I have an extreme lack of motivation to anything right now. I was supposed to go back to the gym Monday, it is now about to be Thursday and I have yet to go.  Partially because of the weather, partially because of my art commissions taking up my time, and finally,  just a lack of motivation to get things going. I know eventually I'm going to have to begin soon.  I am now at my goal weight. 150 lbs, the exact size I was before I met my ex. Who knew that all I had to do was eat a few tubs of icecream and 2 dozen donuts in the past month to gain 10 pounds 😅

Speaking of my ex, it's pretty interesting how she is the only female interaction Ive had in the past few weeks. I think I lost all of my other options. And the one thing that was helping me meet new women is now not working for me anymore . Tinder is really starting to bug me. They intentionally hide your profile from others hoping that you will keep paying to boost it so your profile will get more views. It seems the only way to get things going again is to restart my profile. Because for some reason I seem to get 1 or 2 matches per week which was completely different from how things were when I first began my account. And the matches most likely suck. Either from women who wont respond to my advances or the ones that do don't even seem remotely interested. It's pretty annoying when I think about it because this isnt a one way street. They had to swipe right on me otherwise we wouldnt have matched. So why give the cold shoulder afterwards? Its freaking stupid. Once I get my new jeans in the mail, I'm going to have my ex take some profesional looking photos of me and post em up on a new profile. Hopefully things will change for the better.

I have 2 art shows to go to this month.  But I'm unsure about both. I think it's the lack of motivation talking but I really don't want to do either.  But it's literally the only way to make money this month so I have to do what I have to do.

I hope this lack of motivation dies down soon. In a few months it will be hot again. And women will be out everywhere. I need to remember that if I dont pick things up, I'll be single and unhappy forever.....

Time for a change?

So I've been thinking about some things recently....

I think it's time for a change in my look.  It's crazy to think that I haven't really changed my wardrobe since 2013. That was 5 years ago. Yeah, i purchased a few  things here and there but ive never really switched things up.  Today, i went ahead and purchased 2 new pairs jeans from this Chinese website that generally sells cheap shit. Some of it is fake but I'm at a point in time of my life where I really don't care as long as it looks good. I see they have a few cool looking pairs of shoes on there too but I'm going to wait a bit before I try my luck with that.

What got me thinking about this is my current stance with women and my instagram.  Yeah I now have a pretty large following but it's because of my art and nothing else. It's taking me sometime but I think I want more out of my page. There's this guy who I've been following for ages who does exactly what I want to do on my page.  He has a pretty large folllwing, but there's one major difference between what he does and what I do. He just creates illustrations.  No original concepts, no comics, no original characters.  This could be a turning point for me honestly. This guy is really big on fashion and taking professional photos along with his art. I've always wanted to do that but at the time I was so focused on growing my following that the fashion stuff fell by the way side. This would be the perfect oppurtunity to grow a much larger following not just on art but also on fashion.  Maybe I can finally start to sell Tshirts featuring Cjay and Ms. Maleshift for real this time.

This also pertains to women because my quality in photos of myself on Tinder and on Instagram have faltered so much that really, the only attention I get from my photos on instagram are from guys most of the time. This could possibly be why my ELO score on Tinder is so low and I only match with 6s and 7s with kids on there vs. 8s and 9s without kids. Sonwtimes I dont get matches at all. And anytime I do match with a high caliber woman, she either doesn't respond to my messages or she unmatches with me directly after. Maybe a new wardrobe would boost my confidence a bit more when it's time to go out in the real world....

What's funny about all of this is the last time I hung out with my ex, she told me she and her roommate were talking and giving each other psychic readings. Apparantly, her roommate doesn't  like me because she felt that my self confidence and energy was shot. Which she was right,  my self confidence was pretty high 6 years ago but it's pretty low now and I'm trying to build it back up as much as I can now.  But she also said something pretty interesting. She said that I'll be a difference guy in a couple of months and my confidence will be through the roof. I'll be acting different, dressing different and hitting the gym getting my body right. That stuck with me from the very first time she said it. And that was around a week ago.  Funny how Im just now having the urge to do something about it. Maybe this is what she meant.  And it's perfect this time around. Because before, my ex would practically beg me to get in front of the camera and I never wanted to because I never thought I was good enough. But fuck that, I am good enough.

Last night I watched this video that I haven't seen since my and my ex were in a relationship.  It was about looking at yourself and truly loving what you see. I'm going to make it a mission to do just that. It's time for a change. I'm finished with my comic and I'm taking my time on my next project so honestly,  i dont have any excuses to not really work on improving my self love. Because I want to see what my ex sees in me. I want to know why she cherishes me so much. I want to feel that same way about myself.

I've also downloaded PDF versions of "48 laws of Power" and "The way of the Superior Man" these might be the books that I've been missing in my life.  Too many times have I acted out of character instead of how a man is really  supposed to act. This is deep rooted in my childhood that I won't go too far into that right now. One thing i will say, I am definitely ready for change. Because it's February. Approximately 3 months before spring weather really hits. And I am not trying to be stuck in my house studying how to be a man. It's time to act upon it.....

The nerve

So I'm just minding my business and boom! I get a text.

I didn't know who it was from because I previously deleted text convos and numbers from girls who I know I wouldn't be talking to anymore.  It took me a while to figure out who it was until I did and was immediately ticked off. It was the girl who planned on coming to see me a couple of weeks ago but totally bailed on me without a text or call even after she said she'd call me back. I thought to myself, "the nerve of this bitch" You dissapear for 2 weeks and then randomly out of the blue on a Thursday afternoon you think it's cool to text me some bullshit? It's not even like she asked me how I was doing? Or sent me a "hey" or a "what's up" text. She blatantly texted some random ass shit expecting me to text her back.

I went ahead and deleted that message. And her number. I swear the nerve of some of these "women". Like they dont think it's rude at all to set something up, not show up, dissapear for 2 weeks and then try to pop back up like shit is sweet. That shit is crazy.  Not only that but she not even all that pretty for her to be acting like that. Hell, I'm at a point now when I dont even take that shit from pretty women.  So why the fuck would she expect me to just be cool with that? That bitch is crazy! I hope she wondering why I never texted her back. But then again, since this new age of dating is so fucked, she probably got like 15 more guys to talk to who would put up with that shit....smh