I felt inclined to write this out after a really shitty dream I had last night. Luckily it was only a dream. And truthfully I shouldn't even be having dreams like this....because in real life everything is GOOD
Smh
But yes I am 2 months into this new relationship venture and so far things seem to go really well. I am happy that I didn't just jump into a relationship with Courtney a few months into her meeting her like I did with Cece. I remember when we first met I ended up bringing her around the family and accidently introduced her as my girlfriend to my cousin Malcolm. She caught it and asked if we were official, and if I had tbe same mindset I had back when I was with Cece then I probably would've said yes. Luckily I didn't....and the rest was history.
I feel like if I hadn't waited we'd be in a lot more fights because she would still be trying to get to know me and understand how I operate but because we've known each other for a while now, things have been smooth. So smooth that it's almost like we've been together longer than we have so far.
We also have a set schedule for how much time we spend with each other. In my eyes, this helps to keep things fresh. She comes to spend time with me 3 to 4 days out of the week and the rest we are apart. Which is good because I find myself missing her when she's gone and I get really happy when she visits again. And if I'm feeling this way then I know for a fact that she's feeling this times 100. Her looks, her body, her attitude its all so attractive I can't lie. And even if I do happen to see really attractive women online or in person, I don't even have an urge to talk to anyone new. Which isn't necessarily a good thing but I'm just enjoying this new relationship right now. And I'm being extremely patient right now because I know how attractive this woman is despite her not knowing or acknowledging that fact. I still remember her doing a little fashion show for me the first time I went over to her house. Seeing how those outfits she wore enhanced her curves allowed me to understand what I was really working with. She just has to get her hair in order and my mental score for her will skyrocket. I mean it's already high but I already have an idea for how she will look and it gets me excited just thinking about it everytime. She had braids not too long ago but couldn't keep them because my sister in law didn't do her hair correctly. But for the little time she did have them in, I immediately saw a difference and I caught a glimpse of what I already knew about: I've been imagining her with long hair ever since we began talking and I finally put things into perspective when I photoshopped a weave onto one of her pictures. She looks so good that it's insane! She had this distinct Gabriel Union look to her which only intensifies her beauty and in actuality it makes her look so much more feminine. And truthfully I believe she knows this as well. Because when she got her braids and she would go out without me she would come back and tell me that certain guys (guys like me) would approach her. This wasn't the case before she put them in nor was it the case after she took them out. Now when she goes out places and come back she doesn't say anything. So either guys are still approaching and she's not mentioning it or they aren't anymore.
Now don't get me wrong, I love her natural hair. But it's just not long enough yet. So when she gets braids or a weave, she instantly looks more feminine and easier to approach. I cant really describe it more than that. The thing I like most about her is the fact that she's willing to switch things up. I'm assuming because she's actually coherent and aware of how people (that she cares about) percieve her. Which is stark contrast from my ex. But more on her later.....
At this point of my life I'm just happy to have someone who wants to make me happy just as much as I want to make her happy. And I'm super excited for our future!!
Now about my ex.......
Yeah the more I look at her, the more I appreciate my current girlfriend. I had a talk with Brandon a long time ago and we both agreed that our past relationships just weren't supposed to last. Things that were so difficult for my ex to comprehend or care about comes almost too easy for my current girlfriend to comprehend. I don't have to ask or suggest that she do certain things because she suggests them for herself. I dont have to painstakingly do research for her because she does them for herself.
There were things that i brought to my ex's attention that were almost always ignored or put on the backburner. And I resented my ex for it. But Courtney takes notice of it on her own and goes out of her way to address it without me saying anything about it. For example, I took notice of my ex's stomach and arms almost immediately and she told me that those places were her problem areas. But despite that, she showed little to no effort to make a change in her workout routines. I even went out of my way to get her a personal trainer, which now that I'm thinking about it, she probably was fucking buddy instead of actually working out but that's a whole other story. Shit, even to this day she probably hasn't made a change despite her efforts to show her followers that she has.
Truthfully she still looks the same as she did back in 2018. Shits wild. Lol
But my current girlfriend? I truthfully, without a doubt have no issues with her body. Everything is perfect! Her stomach has a little pudge too but not as bad as my ex's and it's not even worth taking note of honestly but she seems determined to get rid of it. She's literally painstakingly doing research to find ways to minimize it.
Shits crazy. I was literally spending 3 years of my life doing research for a girl that should've been doing all of that for herself. Smh I suppose her mindset was "He been with me for this long, he ain't going no where." And truthfully she was right. It took an elaborate cheating scheme for me to really realize what was going on. Shit was sad, but like most things, I had to go through it in order to grow.
I'm just enjoying this new found relationship and I'm loving the fact that she fits right in with the family. There's absolutely no drama and everyone loves her. Especially my mom.
Out of all of the women that I brought around the family, Courtney is by far the most liked. And I am unbelievably happy for it!!
Tuesday, April 6, 2021
Saturday, February 20, 2021
February 20
So it's 5 in the morning and I cant sleep. Partially because I wasn't really in the mood for sleeping when I actually did fall asleep and I didn't take any sleeping pills so I'm wide awake right now.
And some things have changed. Oh yes they have. And im here to break it all down.
Today is February 20th. 5 days after I made a decision that I hope I won't regret. On Valentines day I jumped the gun and made things official with Courtney. So yes she is now my girlfriend. And this was for a few reasons....1. I grew tired of the cat and mouse game when it comes to dating in 2021. It seems like there's so many available women out there in the world when really most of them are mentally and emotionally unavailable. Most of them refuse to bring their walls down to become vulnerable enough to build a connection. 2. I learned this with the last girl I dealt with before I got in this new relationship. Everything was all cool until she came over and then I realized what a horrible mistake I was making. Here I am with this strange I my room, who went out of her way not to be next to me in anyway. Then she told be that she was celibate and that took things over the edge for me. I kept thinking to myself: Why am I dealing with these dumb ass girls when I have a woman in my corner who tells it like it is and isn't shy about letting me know how she feels about me? So after that girl left, I already knew that I'd never see her again so I deleted her number and unfollowed her on instagram. And my attention went almost exclusively to my girlfriend.
I tried to get with at least one more woman before I made my decision but nothing came to. Im just gonna assume that my attitude towards consistently putting myself out there and getting nothing in return started to bug me which is why I decided to do what I did.
And because of this, somethings are still bugging me. On my girlfriends end, almost everything is working like a charm. There are things that I played out in my head going a certain way and they literally go exactly the way I thought. And then there are things that makes no sense but they have happened.
For example, as of late my Courtney is going through a hair crisis and its becoming so much of a thing that I had to mention to her about it. And unlike my last ex, she is taking everything with abnormally strong consideration. Without a fuss at all. Im assuming that she knows that she needs to do things with her hair. And me commenting on it pushes the narrative even more. I had even imagined how she'd look with blue hair and suggested it to her and she thinks its a great idea. So all in all, things are pretty good for me and her.
Now here's where the bullshit lies.....my ex.
Now im going to use this place as an effort to vent my frustration on why this bitch seems to ruin a perfect plan every time I get an idea that would benefit me and not her. Partially my fault because everything I associated with her should have been cut out my life a very long time ago. But with me being me, I thought my status would be enough for people to say "well he does do good work, regardless of how I feel about him." But that's not the case I guess. 🤷🏾♂️
So Courtney's bday is in March and she's be turning 30. She wants to do a photoshoot of some sort and she usually goes with a photographer that she's been using but that photographer might not be available at that time. So I had the bright idea that maybe the photographer that took photos for my ex would help me out with a surprise photoshoot for Courtney because I mean he was still friends with me on Facebook so I didn't think it would be a big deal. Especially because Im willing to pay.. so I sent him a message and waited for a response. And I kept waiting. Then I found out that buddy read my message but chose not to respond. So that kinda confused me for a bit. Especially when he responded the last time I hit him up, granted it was quite a while ago but still. So that really didn't make any sense to me. At all.
It pissed me off but I didn't think anything of it until I got home. I got on my Facebook account and looked through some old memory posts from the last few years. I looked at one from 2016 and I looked at the comments. Low and behold, my ex had a comment on one of the posts. And in thinking, that can't be right, she has me blocked on facebook. Meaning I cant see what she posts nor can she see what I post. The only way I was able to see her posts before is when I had to check on my secondary account. And because of this, I knew she unblocked me. But why is the question, what would give her the reason to unblock me even though we haven't spoken since 2018? And then it clicked. 🤦🏾♂️
A while ago I shared a video from worldstar where some chick was speaking on how a real woman is supposed to treat her man. In the caption I stated "wow my ex was wack"
Word got back to her and she unblocked me and made a post about what I said. Then blocked me again. So at this point I'm forced to put 2 and 2 together. Just basing off how the photographer acted. And the fact that my ex has me unblocked right now basically making assume that the photographer dude was the mole in this whole operation. Each time I do or post something even remotely connected to her, his bitch ass must've been running and telling her everything. Which is why she unblocked me this time. My relationship status has not changed since 2017. So when it changed, most of the people on my friendslist were clearly notified. The status change has around 104 likes and 40+ comments. Im almost certain that the photographer saw the post and notified my ex. Triggering her to unblock me to check up on me. Even though she's already been checking up on me. And it makes me feel better because I thought I was legit going crazy for checking on her all the time when she was basically doing the same thing. And doing a horrible job at concealing it. Folks closest to her probably still all know how much I've affected her life. And the same thing goes for how much she has affected mine. But the difference is I don't show it. On my end, it looks like I've completely moved on. New relationship, career booming, new projects. And on her end she's only putting on the facade that she moved on.but clearly she hasn't. She's a mess for the most part when it comes to that. Last time I checked her IG account I admit that she looks good. But those photos are only skin deep when you look into who she really is. Her ticktock videos show me she is the same girl she's always been. Despite the many obstacles our lives have gone through these last 4 years.
This was definitely a learning experience from me. I learned that anyone and everything that connected my world with hers needs to crumble and vanish. No industry connections. No friendship connections. No female connections. No family connections. Nothing. Apparently everyone i once known that were connected to her and I back then think im the devil anyway despite the fact that she was the one who cheated on me. So all in all fuck em. Ever since I made this new relationship a reality. Everything feels brand new but familiar at the same time because of my ex and my current girlfriends similarities. Now it's my job to suppress those familiar thoughts and memories. And enhance and embrace the new ones. ✌
And some things have changed. Oh yes they have. And im here to break it all down.
Today is February 20th. 5 days after I made a decision that I hope I won't regret. On Valentines day I jumped the gun and made things official with Courtney. So yes she is now my girlfriend. And this was for a few reasons....1. I grew tired of the cat and mouse game when it comes to dating in 2021. It seems like there's so many available women out there in the world when really most of them are mentally and emotionally unavailable. Most of them refuse to bring their walls down to become vulnerable enough to build a connection. 2. I learned this with the last girl I dealt with before I got in this new relationship. Everything was all cool until she came over and then I realized what a horrible mistake I was making. Here I am with this strange I my room, who went out of her way not to be next to me in anyway. Then she told be that she was celibate and that took things over the edge for me. I kept thinking to myself: Why am I dealing with these dumb ass girls when I have a woman in my corner who tells it like it is and isn't shy about letting me know how she feels about me? So after that girl left, I already knew that I'd never see her again so I deleted her number and unfollowed her on instagram. And my attention went almost exclusively to my girlfriend.
I tried to get with at least one more woman before I made my decision but nothing came to. Im just gonna assume that my attitude towards consistently putting myself out there and getting nothing in return started to bug me which is why I decided to do what I did.
And because of this, somethings are still bugging me. On my girlfriends end, almost everything is working like a charm. There are things that I played out in my head going a certain way and they literally go exactly the way I thought. And then there are things that makes no sense but they have happened.
For example, as of late my Courtney is going through a hair crisis and its becoming so much of a thing that I had to mention to her about it. And unlike my last ex, she is taking everything with abnormally strong consideration. Without a fuss at all. Im assuming that she knows that she needs to do things with her hair. And me commenting on it pushes the narrative even more. I had even imagined how she'd look with blue hair and suggested it to her and she thinks its a great idea. So all in all, things are pretty good for me and her.
Now here's where the bullshit lies.....my ex.
Now im going to use this place as an effort to vent my frustration on why this bitch seems to ruin a perfect plan every time I get an idea that would benefit me and not her. Partially my fault because everything I associated with her should have been cut out my life a very long time ago. But with me being me, I thought my status would be enough for people to say "well he does do good work, regardless of how I feel about him." But that's not the case I guess. 🤷🏾♂️
So Courtney's bday is in March and she's be turning 30. She wants to do a photoshoot of some sort and she usually goes with a photographer that she's been using but that photographer might not be available at that time. So I had the bright idea that maybe the photographer that took photos for my ex would help me out with a surprise photoshoot for Courtney because I mean he was still friends with me on Facebook so I didn't think it would be a big deal. Especially because Im willing to pay.. so I sent him a message and waited for a response. And I kept waiting. Then I found out that buddy read my message but chose not to respond. So that kinda confused me for a bit. Especially when he responded the last time I hit him up, granted it was quite a while ago but still. So that really didn't make any sense to me. At all.
It pissed me off but I didn't think anything of it until I got home. I got on my Facebook account and looked through some old memory posts from the last few years. I looked at one from 2016 and I looked at the comments. Low and behold, my ex had a comment on one of the posts. And in thinking, that can't be right, she has me blocked on facebook. Meaning I cant see what she posts nor can she see what I post. The only way I was able to see her posts before is when I had to check on my secondary account. And because of this, I knew she unblocked me. But why is the question, what would give her the reason to unblock me even though we haven't spoken since 2018? And then it clicked. 🤦🏾♂️
A while ago I shared a video from worldstar where some chick was speaking on how a real woman is supposed to treat her man. In the caption I stated "wow my ex was wack"
Word got back to her and she unblocked me and made a post about what I said. Then blocked me again. So at this point I'm forced to put 2 and 2 together. Just basing off how the photographer acted. And the fact that my ex has me unblocked right now basically making assume that the photographer dude was the mole in this whole operation. Each time I do or post something even remotely connected to her, his bitch ass must've been running and telling her everything. Which is why she unblocked me this time. My relationship status has not changed since 2017. So when it changed, most of the people on my friendslist were clearly notified. The status change has around 104 likes and 40+ comments. Im almost certain that the photographer saw the post and notified my ex. Triggering her to unblock me to check up on me. Even though she's already been checking up on me. And it makes me feel better because I thought I was legit going crazy for checking on her all the time when she was basically doing the same thing. And doing a horrible job at concealing it. Folks closest to her probably still all know how much I've affected her life. And the same thing goes for how much she has affected mine. But the difference is I don't show it. On my end, it looks like I've completely moved on. New relationship, career booming, new projects. And on her end she's only putting on the facade that she moved on.but clearly she hasn't. She's a mess for the most part when it comes to that. Last time I checked her IG account I admit that she looks good. But those photos are only skin deep when you look into who she really is. Her ticktock videos show me she is the same girl she's always been. Despite the many obstacles our lives have gone through these last 4 years.
This was definitely a learning experience from me. I learned that anyone and everything that connected my world with hers needs to crumble and vanish. No industry connections. No friendship connections. No female connections. No family connections. Nothing. Apparently everyone i once known that were connected to her and I back then think im the devil anyway despite the fact that she was the one who cheated on me. So all in all fuck em. Ever since I made this new relationship a reality. Everything feels brand new but familiar at the same time because of my ex and my current girlfriends similarities. Now it's my job to suppress those familiar thoughts and memories. And enhance and embrace the new ones. ✌
Tuesday, December 29, 2020
revelations. some bad some good
Well I can't remember the last thing stated for an update so I'll just be free styling. These last few weeks have been an absolute blur. Some of it has been blissful, some of it has been annoying. But the blissful moments have been out weighing the annoying moments so far.
It's December, my birthday month. And I'd be lying if I said it was easy to keep track of my mindset and mental state. Partially because my mind has only been focused on 2 main things as of late. Which was the Kickstarter for Iron Infiniti and my current er....."girlfriend" I guess you could say.
So let's take things from the top, My sister came out of no where for a plan to visit Las Vegas for our birthdays. I originally wasn't going to go because of the lack of funds until it was revealed that my mom and sister would pay for more than half of my share of the trip. Which was cool. And because of the Florida trip I had with Courtney a month prior, I couldn't help but desire to have her tag along with me. And she agreed.
During the weeks of planning I kept thinking about my sisters friend and how she basically ignored me the last time I saw her and my moms house. I instantly knew she'd be among the many who was invited to attend. And I wasn't wrong. She did come and many others. I kept thinking to myself had Courtney not come, how weird and awkward things would've been for me especially knowing how petty women could be at times. But luckily I had Courtney by my side the entire time.
Then my sisters friend did exactly what I thought she'd do. Her presence remained completely absent around me. I dont think she ever spoke to me once during the entire trip. Ironically she and Courtney had a brief conversation while I wasn't looking. Which I definitely felt was odd especially knowing the fact that I didn't catch Courtney talking to anyone else like that on the trip including Melissa or any of my sisters other friends. Really, really weird. But I didn't think too much of it after that. They ordered a party bus for us on the last night of celebration and she was there as well. Didnt say a word to me or Courtney while we were there and then I didn't see her again which was cool.
What came out after that night was a whole other story.....smh for some strange reason, the night before the party bus tour, my mind could not stop thinking about being in an open relationship with Courtney. I couldn't sleep for anything while ironically Courtney was sleeping like a baby next to me. I began contemplating over and over again if I should bring it up while on the trip. Well, for one reason or another, the opportunity presented itself and I spilled the beans. The reaction and the roller coaster of emotions wasn't really what I expected at all. But basically she doesnt agree with it at all. And now I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.
Because I really want to be with Courtney, she's making me a better man day by day and I dont think she realizes it. But I still have this desire to sleep with other woman. Not to actually be with them but just to sleep with them. Truthfully this is because of the crazy amounts of eye candy out there right now. I mean dont get me wrong, Courtney is every bit of eye candy that I just can't get enough of, but that Vegas trip kinda killed it for me. Pretty girls of all races all over the place with big jiggly asses. I saw one white girl in the mall that was literally shaped like a black girl. She had on Lululemon leggings, her arch was crazy and she was standing bowlegged looking absolutely fantastic. I just wanted to grab and touch on all of them. I couldn't contain myself. Which is probably a reason why the conversation even came up in the first place.
But yeah....Courtney ain't digging it. Her mindset is strictly monogamous and what pisses me off is she's not willing to think outside of the box not because of what she believes but its because of past traumas and hurt that she still has not gotten over. Thats very clear and it sucks. Because even though she is all about me for now, things will change. And this is what I'm trying to avoid despite what she believes I'm trying to do. And because of the time, I have a lot of thinking to do and not a lot of time to do it. She is applying pressure pretty heavily. She's over here about 5 or 6 days out of the week so we spend a lot of time together. And this means I dont really have time to spend or deal with other women at all. And its almost January. 2 months away from when I plan on throwing in the single white towel. I still plan on making things official by March if everything goes as smooth as its been. Because even though she rejected my one desire to deal with multiple women, the positives out weigh the negatives when I really think about it.
The small things that are bothering me are things that can be rectified. And in fact, they will be rectified without me even having to say anything. Courtney needs a make over and she knows it. So I dont even have to mention it. Her womanly intuition is stronger than any other woman I've dealt with. When she sees herself slipping, she notices itand attacks the issue without me saying a word.. And I applaud her for that. Another reason I know that she knows is because she has been recycling her clothing choices a lot lately. And I've definitely been noticing. I bought her a pair of red leggings from a beauty supply store because I knew they'd look good on her and I think I've seen her wear them more than 7 times since we've been dating. Which tells me that she would probably wear anything id buy her but because of my past experience I have a hard time wanting to buy her anything clothing related. Years after breaking up with my ex I kept rethininf about how dumb it was that I used to buy her clothes that she'd never wear. So now I'm dealing with a woman who would probably wear the clothes I'd buy for her but I just can't bring myself to do it. Just another thing that my ex ruined for Courtney. Smh
Speaking of exes....
I noticed....after posting 2 images of me a Courtney that we took while on the Vegas trip.
Cece completely stopped posting to her Facebook and Instagram. She posted a really revealing photo of herself a few weeks prior but she deleted it. I guess all that attention seeking got her punk ass exactly where she deserves to be: No where. I said it before but wasn't serious enough back then but I think im dead serious now. I think im done checking up on her. Its clear that she was doing all of this nonsense in the past 3 years to save face on how humiliating it had to be to lose out on me. I mean she went on cable television and made herself to look like a stone cold fool and for what, attention and a few likes from a few dudes who will eat her up and spit her out? Lol she's ridiculous and her mom should truly be ashamed. But I know she isn't because her dumbass mom encourages the shit. I also remember Cece stupid ass saying that if me and her were meant to be that we'd find each other again and make it work. 🤦🏾♂️ That would never happen on the count of Courtney is the epitome of Ceces replacement. Like literally being with Courtney feels like what would happen if the events in our relationship in the years 2016-2017 never happened. I even think I heard my mom accidentally call Courtney, Cece through random conversation. So with that being said, I would NEVER get back with Cece. And I mean NEVER. I'll still look at our porn tapes we made back in the day though lol
Angel on the other hand is just weird. As stated before Angel had a harem of dudes orbiting around her and expected me to join the party. I didnt want to at all and she took offense to that. Then I met Courtney and I've just been keeping my distance. Well she's still been trying to reach out to despite being on her nomad lifestyle. She's just too unstable to me. Maybe sometime long long in the future when her kids are old af that we can try and rekindle things but right now her lifestyle is too much and unstable af. And the way she treated me was unstable af too. She basically wanted to be treated like the way I treat Courtney without giving anything in return other than sex.....well it doesn't work that way.
Well.....I have a lot of things to think about and this thing is getting long so ill cut it off for now....until next time...
It's December, my birthday month. And I'd be lying if I said it was easy to keep track of my mindset and mental state. Partially because my mind has only been focused on 2 main things as of late. Which was the Kickstarter for Iron Infiniti and my current er....."girlfriend" I guess you could say.
So let's take things from the top, My sister came out of no where for a plan to visit Las Vegas for our birthdays. I originally wasn't going to go because of the lack of funds until it was revealed that my mom and sister would pay for more than half of my share of the trip. Which was cool. And because of the Florida trip I had with Courtney a month prior, I couldn't help but desire to have her tag along with me. And she agreed.
During the weeks of planning I kept thinking about my sisters friend and how she basically ignored me the last time I saw her and my moms house. I instantly knew she'd be among the many who was invited to attend. And I wasn't wrong. She did come and many others. I kept thinking to myself had Courtney not come, how weird and awkward things would've been for me especially knowing how petty women could be at times. But luckily I had Courtney by my side the entire time.
Then my sisters friend did exactly what I thought she'd do. Her presence remained completely absent around me. I dont think she ever spoke to me once during the entire trip. Ironically she and Courtney had a brief conversation while I wasn't looking. Which I definitely felt was odd especially knowing the fact that I didn't catch Courtney talking to anyone else like that on the trip including Melissa or any of my sisters other friends. Really, really weird. But I didn't think too much of it after that. They ordered a party bus for us on the last night of celebration and she was there as well. Didnt say a word to me or Courtney while we were there and then I didn't see her again which was cool.
What came out after that night was a whole other story.....smh for some strange reason, the night before the party bus tour, my mind could not stop thinking about being in an open relationship with Courtney. I couldn't sleep for anything while ironically Courtney was sleeping like a baby next to me. I began contemplating over and over again if I should bring it up while on the trip. Well, for one reason or another, the opportunity presented itself and I spilled the beans. The reaction and the roller coaster of emotions wasn't really what I expected at all. But basically she doesnt agree with it at all. And now I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.
Because I really want to be with Courtney, she's making me a better man day by day and I dont think she realizes it. But I still have this desire to sleep with other woman. Not to actually be with them but just to sleep with them. Truthfully this is because of the crazy amounts of eye candy out there right now. I mean dont get me wrong, Courtney is every bit of eye candy that I just can't get enough of, but that Vegas trip kinda killed it for me. Pretty girls of all races all over the place with big jiggly asses. I saw one white girl in the mall that was literally shaped like a black girl. She had on Lululemon leggings, her arch was crazy and she was standing bowlegged looking absolutely fantastic. I just wanted to grab and touch on all of them. I couldn't contain myself. Which is probably a reason why the conversation even came up in the first place.
But yeah....Courtney ain't digging it. Her mindset is strictly monogamous and what pisses me off is she's not willing to think outside of the box not because of what she believes but its because of past traumas and hurt that she still has not gotten over. Thats very clear and it sucks. Because even though she is all about me for now, things will change. And this is what I'm trying to avoid despite what she believes I'm trying to do. And because of the time, I have a lot of thinking to do and not a lot of time to do it. She is applying pressure pretty heavily. She's over here about 5 or 6 days out of the week so we spend a lot of time together. And this means I dont really have time to spend or deal with other women at all. And its almost January. 2 months away from when I plan on throwing in the single white towel. I still plan on making things official by March if everything goes as smooth as its been. Because even though she rejected my one desire to deal with multiple women, the positives out weigh the negatives when I really think about it.
The small things that are bothering me are things that can be rectified. And in fact, they will be rectified without me even having to say anything. Courtney needs a make over and she knows it. So I dont even have to mention it. Her womanly intuition is stronger than any other woman I've dealt with. When she sees herself slipping, she notices itand attacks the issue without me saying a word.. And I applaud her for that. Another reason I know that she knows is because she has been recycling her clothing choices a lot lately. And I've definitely been noticing. I bought her a pair of red leggings from a beauty supply store because I knew they'd look good on her and I think I've seen her wear them more than 7 times since we've been dating. Which tells me that she would probably wear anything id buy her but because of my past experience I have a hard time wanting to buy her anything clothing related. Years after breaking up with my ex I kept rethininf about how dumb it was that I used to buy her clothes that she'd never wear. So now I'm dealing with a woman who would probably wear the clothes I'd buy for her but I just can't bring myself to do it. Just another thing that my ex ruined for Courtney. Smh
Speaking of exes....
I noticed....after posting 2 images of me a Courtney that we took while on the Vegas trip.
Cece completely stopped posting to her Facebook and Instagram. She posted a really revealing photo of herself a few weeks prior but she deleted it. I guess all that attention seeking got her punk ass exactly where she deserves to be: No where. I said it before but wasn't serious enough back then but I think im dead serious now. I think im done checking up on her. Its clear that she was doing all of this nonsense in the past 3 years to save face on how humiliating it had to be to lose out on me. I mean she went on cable television and made herself to look like a stone cold fool and for what, attention and a few likes from a few dudes who will eat her up and spit her out? Lol she's ridiculous and her mom should truly be ashamed. But I know she isn't because her dumbass mom encourages the shit. I also remember Cece stupid ass saying that if me and her were meant to be that we'd find each other again and make it work. 🤦🏾♂️ That would never happen on the count of Courtney is the epitome of Ceces replacement. Like literally being with Courtney feels like what would happen if the events in our relationship in the years 2016-2017 never happened. I even think I heard my mom accidentally call Courtney, Cece through random conversation. So with that being said, I would NEVER get back with Cece. And I mean NEVER. I'll still look at our porn tapes we made back in the day though lol
Angel on the other hand is just weird. As stated before Angel had a harem of dudes orbiting around her and expected me to join the party. I didnt want to at all and she took offense to that. Then I met Courtney and I've just been keeping my distance. Well she's still been trying to reach out to despite being on her nomad lifestyle. She's just too unstable to me. Maybe sometime long long in the future when her kids are old af that we can try and rekindle things but right now her lifestyle is too much and unstable af. And the way she treated me was unstable af too. She basically wanted to be treated like the way I treat Courtney without giving anything in return other than sex.....well it doesn't work that way.
Well.....I have a lot of things to think about and this thing is getting long so ill cut it off for now....until next time...
Tuesday, December 1, 2020
I think I'M FINALLY OVER IT
I'm taking a small break from the daily grind to reflect on somethings.
Mainly where things are going with my personal/dating life. Things with Courtney have been great! And like most couples starting early out, there have been times where we get on each other's nerves but nothing has been too major. Hell, we aren't even necessarily a couple yet but it feels that way each time we are together. Probably because Courtney fits right in my life at the moment. Things are still moving a tad bit fast but I'm learning to just deal with it but take notice of how I'm feeling.
My feelings for Courtney are strong. But not as strong as I would like them to be. This is possibly because of my jaded attitude at this point when it comes to relationships. Because of my past relationships, especially with my ex (more on her in a minute) its hard for me to want to let all of my guards down. I'm sure she has noticed but im hoping it hasn't been too obvious. I'm no longer super lovey dovey as I once was in my 20s. Well, on second thought, maybe Courtney hasn't noticed. She probably thinks that this is just the way that I am which is ok for me. The comparisons to my ex are still lingering but luckily its not as mind numbing as it was before.
Speaking of my ex, I have definitely noticed that I haven't been having much of an urge to keep tabs on her. In fact, I've been checking out my Angel a lot more than Cece. Which is crazy when I think about it. I think im finally over Cece at this point. I've comes to terms that this woman isn't really a woman at all. She's still a little ass girl without direction, still showing her ass on instagram for attention, still overweight and gave up on trying to figure it out. It's lowkey sad. And it disgusts me thinking that I spent 3 years of my life trying to figure out how to make her want to do things to make me happy when she could've been doing this shit on her own the entire time.
Or I could've just found someone else who wanted to do this for themselves from the get go like Courtney. I dont even have to try to motivate Courtney to get active. In fact, its mainly her trying to motivate ME.
I admit, I've gained a few pounds, but im not fat, im around 168-170 which is a perfect size to build muscle on. Well shes been egging me to hit the gym with her for a few weeks now and ill finally be doing that this upcoming Friday.
Anways, yeah, Cece is becoming a long lost memory just as much as Brittane has. Funny, I can definitely see in about 5 years time, if she's still in Atlanta she'll have a kid. Its almost guaranteed at this point. I really wonder how long it'll be before I check up on her page again. At this point I have no reason or urge to because of Courtney. Everything that Cece used to do while I was with her Courtney has topped that. Even down to the way she treats Marley. Marley treats her as if she was the one I was with when I purchased him as a puppy. I often wonder does he confuse the 2 or does he know the difference between Courtney and Cece? Hmmmm.....
To make a long story short, this post was to inform my feelings about Cece right now.. and it'll probably stay that way......Well thats it for now,
I'm out
Mainly where things are going with my personal/dating life. Things with Courtney have been great! And like most couples starting early out, there have been times where we get on each other's nerves but nothing has been too major. Hell, we aren't even necessarily a couple yet but it feels that way each time we are together. Probably because Courtney fits right in my life at the moment. Things are still moving a tad bit fast but I'm learning to just deal with it but take notice of how I'm feeling.
My feelings for Courtney are strong. But not as strong as I would like them to be. This is possibly because of my jaded attitude at this point when it comes to relationships. Because of my past relationships, especially with my ex (more on her in a minute) its hard for me to want to let all of my guards down. I'm sure she has noticed but im hoping it hasn't been too obvious. I'm no longer super lovey dovey as I once was in my 20s. Well, on second thought, maybe Courtney hasn't noticed. She probably thinks that this is just the way that I am which is ok for me. The comparisons to my ex are still lingering but luckily its not as mind numbing as it was before.
Speaking of my ex, I have definitely noticed that I haven't been having much of an urge to keep tabs on her. In fact, I've been checking out my Angel a lot more than Cece. Which is crazy when I think about it. I think im finally over Cece at this point. I've comes to terms that this woman isn't really a woman at all. She's still a little ass girl without direction, still showing her ass on instagram for attention, still overweight and gave up on trying to figure it out. It's lowkey sad. And it disgusts me thinking that I spent 3 years of my life trying to figure out how to make her want to do things to make me happy when she could've been doing this shit on her own the entire time.
Or I could've just found someone else who wanted to do this for themselves from the get go like Courtney. I dont even have to try to motivate Courtney to get active. In fact, its mainly her trying to motivate ME.
I admit, I've gained a few pounds, but im not fat, im around 168-170 which is a perfect size to build muscle on. Well shes been egging me to hit the gym with her for a few weeks now and ill finally be doing that this upcoming Friday.
Anways, yeah, Cece is becoming a long lost memory just as much as Brittane has. Funny, I can definitely see in about 5 years time, if she's still in Atlanta she'll have a kid. Its almost guaranteed at this point. I really wonder how long it'll be before I check up on her page again. At this point I have no reason or urge to because of Courtney. Everything that Cece used to do while I was with her Courtney has topped that. Even down to the way she treats Marley. Marley treats her as if she was the one I was with when I purchased him as a puppy. I often wonder does he confuse the 2 or does he know the difference between Courtney and Cece? Hmmmm.....
To make a long story short, this post was to inform my feelings about Cece right now.. and it'll probably stay that way......Well thats it for now,
I'm out
Friday, October 23, 2020
Too much too soon ...or is it?
Ok so in a weeks time, it will officially be 5 months since me and Courtney have been hanging out. And im not gonna lie, a lot of things have happened in this short amount of time. Some of it has been too early some of it has been just right but interestingly enough, I wouldn't have it either way.
So let's get down to details. We aren't technically in a relationship just yet but with the way we are with each other, you might as well say that we are. But im trying my best to stay in this mode because I remember what Mr. Locario on youtube said: "don't get in a relationship with a woman until you've properly vetted and train her into the woman you want her to be when you finally do become exclusive." And its working out just fine actually. Like all healthy relationships, we've had some really good times and some bad times. But nothing has stopped me from wanting to see her and keep her around. In fact, I'm slowly but surely dropping off all of my situations I've had prior to meeting her. No one has came around yet that oozes stability like her quite frankly and I love it. In fact, I've been keeping an eye on Angel these past few weeks and im just going to assume that she's never going to change. Her and Cece are 2 peas in a pod of you ask me. Both seem to be all over the place when it comes to what they want to do with their lives. I remember seeing Angel post about wanting to become a surrogate for couples. Which is the dumbest shit I've seen in quite a while. She has like 3 kids and doesn't mind pushing out another one for money???? Yeah im glad I kinda dodged that bullet. Smh while me and Courtney were in Florida she sent me this text saying that no matter what happens she will always love me and then send me a video of herself naked. I guess she was expecting me to respond but I didn't. Funny enough I'm sure I wasn't the only person who received that video either.🙄
She is too crazy for me. And I thought I'd be cool with the whole polygamous situation she is into but I just can't. I guess its because she is proud of what she is and what she does and doesn't mind showing it off. I seen a post on her Facebook where she has photos of all of her "partners" and im just over here thinking, had I fell victim to her and had I not met Courtney I'd probably have my face in that photo gallery. Glad I smartened up. On top of that, she gets on instagram lives basically butt ass naked and has zero problems with it. Im like wow. Smh so yeah I haven't talked or seen her in quite a while. And it'll most likely stay that way. 🤷🏾♂️
As far as Cece is concerned....Courtney is unknowingly making me forget about this woman with each day that passes. The last time I checked up on her she is now a esthetician. 🙄
So let me get this straight.....when i first met her, she was a singer. But that didnt work out so well so she got into drawing and selling t-shirts because she saw that I was successful at it. But that didnt work out so well for her so she got into modeling. But that didnt work out the way she wanted it so she got into photography. But that started slowing down. So she got into modeling again and being an all around slut for likes on social media. But that didnt work out so well so now she's an esthetician? 🤦🏾♂️ Jeez why the hell didnt I realize how much of a fuck up she was when I first got with her. And im extra curious as to why she didn't jusy move back to LA with her family after me and her broke off for the 2nd time. Like I'm genuinely confused. Well whatever the case like Brandon says, Fuck her. She's done. And its true for various reasons but one reason in particular is COURTNEY.
Ok, so like I stated before, me and Courtney have been spending quite a lot of time together. I really like this woman. So much so thats its not even about liking her anymore. Its about love. That's right LOVE. Well basically what happened is she ended up meeting my mom and the family a lot earlier than when she was supposed to. And im admit I was a little nervous but luckily everyone loves her just as much as I do. Especially my mom, which I admit is tough to impress. I learned that the hard way. But my mom really likes her, like a whole lot. I can tell. My mom was having a BBQ and I brought her over ti.meet everyone and when they first met they literally stood and talked to each other for like 20 minutes straight. I have NEVER seen my mom do that before. Not with Cece, Angel, or Brittane.
I think with Brittane she believes I was just too young to be with her so seriously. She barely even paid Angel any attention, but that's because I barely brought her around because we weren't together long enough. Cece on the other hand was just drama when she came around. I didnt see it at first but now I'm looking from the outside yeah it makes total sense. Cece's ass didnt like coming around at first because my mom would want her to help clean around the house after a big party or get together. And she just didn't like being pressured to do stuff. I dont know why I was so oblivious to that but thats exactly what it was. And I just wasn't man enough to nip that in the bud when it happened. Things eventually got better and her and my mom eventually did get a long but i could tell that the way she acted in the beginning always affected how they interacted with each other from then on out.
But Courtney is different. She aims to please and tries to make the best impression possible. We all went to the gun range a few days ago and she got all dressed up because she knew my mom would be there. And low and behold, soon as we made it in, my mom complimented her attire. Like clock work.
Even at the BBQ I made it a point to ask Courtney to make me a plate. And she obliged no problem. I'm sure that impressed my mom as well because she definitely commented on it. "Oh you making him a plate too?" Funny enough, making me a plate at a family gathering was the reason why I called Cece trash on facebook a few months ago. Im not sure who was stalking my page but she certainly found out about it. But whatever, its certainly true. And I hope she eventually grows the fuck up.
I remember our last big blow up before I found out she was cheating on me, she told me that she doesnt like thinking about me moving on to a new girl, possibly starting a family and having Marley around growing old. But ironically thats exactly whats happening. Courtney has replaced her. Even down to how Marley reacts when she comes around. I know he's a dog and their intellect only goes but so far. But I wonder if he realizes that Courtney is a much better woman than Cece could ever be. Because she certainly is.
Tuesday, September 22, 2020
getting this out
Its a thought in my head that hasn't left me yet. But its there. And I know that I have to get rid of it before I make my next move with Courtney. I have this lingering feeling that I should have sex with one more girl before fully committing to Courtney. I really like Courtney, like really like her. To the point where it's turning into something else. Funny enough she practically admitted to me that she was already there. She said it under her breath but I heard her loud and clear. She's so perfect to me. I want to commit now But its too early. Way too early actually.
So after Courtney left my place to go to work I talked to another woman on the phone. She's African so she definitely has a fat ass. And she seems like she has a good head on her shoulders so far. I haven't met her yet, but I'm going to try to do this before Courtney comes over this weekend and before our vacation.
I truthfully think im having this feeling because I'm already in the mood to commit and it feels like I'm already there with her but I'm not. We already spend so much time together and its 99.9% confirmed that she has replaced whatever void my ex had on me. Every single positive thing that my ex used to do Courtney has been doing and way better at that. Its lowkey crazy actually. I wish I could express all of this to but that probably wouldn't turn out well so I'll just keep it all to myself. But yes, I just want the satisfaction of having sex with another girl a few more times before i throw in the towel and commit to Courtney. She's such a great woman and she treats me so well. I just gotta get this feeling out of me first.
So after Courtney left my place to go to work I talked to another woman on the phone. She's African so she definitely has a fat ass. And she seems like she has a good head on her shoulders so far. I haven't met her yet, but I'm going to try to do this before Courtney comes over this weekend and before our vacation.
I truthfully think im having this feeling because I'm already in the mood to commit and it feels like I'm already there with her but I'm not. We already spend so much time together and its 99.9% confirmed that she has replaced whatever void my ex had on me. Every single positive thing that my ex used to do Courtney has been doing and way better at that. Its lowkey crazy actually. I wish I could express all of this to but that probably wouldn't turn out well so I'll just keep it all to myself. But yes, I just want the satisfaction of having sex with another girl a few more times before i throw in the towel and commit to Courtney. She's such a great woman and she treats me so well. I just gotta get this feeling out of me first.
Sunday, September 20, 2020
That girl from New York
Funny how things work. A few months ago My aunt passed away and we held a service out in my hometown NJ. My sisters friend came through and she seemed almost attached to me the entire service. She talked to me the most and she never left the table i was sitting at. At the time I was assuming that she was digging me but thinking about the current events that happened tonight has me changing my mind all the way. And its confirming my thoughts about Courtney even more than before....
My brother in law held a bday party at my moms house. And a lot of guests were expecting to show. Now I assumed that my sisters friend would show up I just didn't know exactly when she would. So I went on about my night like usual. Drinking, talking shit and laughing. Until she showed up. Smh
She showed up with 2 other women, im assuming they were relatives or friends. I didn't know it was her at first because we all had our masks on because of covid. Until she reached out to me for a hug. After that I tried to remain cool and act like her presence didn't effect me even though it did. She did her best to stay far away from me the entire night. We talked one more time and it was only by happenstance. And I was the first to initiate the small convo. I asked her when she was leaving (In order to see if I should make a move) she said she was leaving the next day so it was an extremely short visit. After that she walked away and continued to avoid me or my energy. Im gonna assume that she either met someone serious back home or she just completely lost interest. Whatever the case, her and her 2 companions left before everyone else. And she didn't even say goodbye. So I'm just gonna assume that whatever was about to happen earlier this year is out of the question now. I mean granted, she never really reached out after the last time we saw each other so I guess it makes sense. It just sucks becauss I was kinda looking forward to seeing her a little bit.
This just further puts a target on Courtney's back for me. Ive dealt with this feeling before so I cant say that I am 100% convinced. But for right now, the only woman that has remained consistent force in my life this year has been her. And I've met quite a few women this year too. So I'm saying now, February or March, if I'm still dealing with Courtney and I remain as confident in her as I am now, I think I'll be ready to fully commit. Because quite frankly, I'm tired of wondering if certain girls have my back. When I have a beautiful ass women who actually does and makes it known everytime she gets a chance.
My brother in law held a bday party at my moms house. And a lot of guests were expecting to show. Now I assumed that my sisters friend would show up I just didn't know exactly when she would. So I went on about my night like usual. Drinking, talking shit and laughing. Until she showed up. Smh
She showed up with 2 other women, im assuming they were relatives or friends. I didn't know it was her at first because we all had our masks on because of covid. Until she reached out to me for a hug. After that I tried to remain cool and act like her presence didn't effect me even though it did. She did her best to stay far away from me the entire night. We talked one more time and it was only by happenstance. And I was the first to initiate the small convo. I asked her when she was leaving (In order to see if I should make a move) she said she was leaving the next day so it was an extremely short visit. After that she walked away and continued to avoid me or my energy. Im gonna assume that she either met someone serious back home or she just completely lost interest. Whatever the case, her and her 2 companions left before everyone else. And she didn't even say goodbye. So I'm just gonna assume that whatever was about to happen earlier this year is out of the question now. I mean granted, she never really reached out after the last time we saw each other so I guess it makes sense. It just sucks becauss I was kinda looking forward to seeing her a little bit.
This just further puts a target on Courtney's back for me. Ive dealt with this feeling before so I cant say that I am 100% convinced. But for right now, the only woman that has remained consistent force in my life this year has been her. And I've met quite a few women this year too. So I'm saying now, February or March, if I'm still dealing with Courtney and I remain as confident in her as I am now, I think I'll be ready to fully commit. Because quite frankly, I'm tired of wondering if certain girls have my back. When I have a beautiful ass women who actually does and makes it known everytime she gets a chance.
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