Time for a change

I haven't posted in a while because there was really nothing worthwhile to mention. The weather has been ridiculous these past few days. Doesn't know whether to  be cold or warm. I can tell all of the wildlife outside is just as confused as we are.

I haven't really been dealing with any new women simply because Its almost down right impossible to get a third woman in my life.  Because of the weather,  I don't want to go out. So its becoming more and more difficult to talk to women in person.  So I've been continuously using Tinder with no luck. I must say that I am definitely getting more matches this time around but  most of the time the girls don't live in Atlanta. And if they do live out here, they end up doing something that pisses me off before we go on a date or they act extremely aloof like they could care less about meeting up. I'm almost to the point where I dont even wanna take these chicks out anywhere any more. It's so stupid and more than half of the time it goes absolutely no where. 

Speaking of which, i had a revelation on Facebook yesterday.  There are still some folks who absolutely do not like me or what I stand for but they continue to remain connected with me on there.  One girl in particular who I thought was pretty attractive said some bullshit about me that was completely false. Shes part of some black girl nerd group out here in Atlanta that a few girls from highschool (that were also on my page) are a part of. So after that situation I went and did a complete friend sweep. Got rid of most of those folks.

This way,  all of the folks who don't use Facebook anymore can get off and the folks who don't interact with me can get off.  This way my engagement can rise and folks who actually interact with me will have a higher chance of seeing my content. And the folks who don't care will show themselves by removing themselves or I'll remove them myself.  I did the exact same thing on Instagram and it was a slow process but my engagement skyrocketed!

This leads me to my final point. I'm not sure if I mentioned W on here before but if I did, then I also may have mentioned that I connected with her ass on Facebook to get her number. And the fact that her ass played me twice. I tried setting something up with her twice and she completely bullshitted me both times. Normally when a girl does this she will go out of her way to distance herself from you. She won't interact with you or anything you post.  W on the other hand, continued to comment on my shit after the fact.  So, as much as it pissed me off and as much as I wanted to pursue something with her I just had to come to terms with myself that it will never happen ever. So I went ahead and deleted her.

Oh well fuck her bitch ass. The best thing she could've done was tell me that she wasn't interested. But she lead me on. And I let it happen twice. 

I'm old enough to know what cooperation looks like even though I've only been around it a few times I'm still no dummy.

So fuck her and her attention whore ass. 🖕

Life

I'm in a terrible mood and I've kinda been in the funk for the past 2 days.

Like usual nothing seems to go my way when it comes to women and relationships. The 2nd date I had with M never happened. And she regressed to doing what all of these other women I come into contact with do. They lose interest and they dont say why nor do they tell me that they did lose interest.  They just simply stop replying to my text messages or stop answering the phone when I call. M in particular has never called or texted me first. So maybe that was red flag in itself .

Every woman who I've come into contact with in the past 6 months has done this to me one way or another. I'm honestly beginning to believe that it's simply something about me that women hate. I don't know what it is and for some reason no one will tell me so I can change. But then again, even if I change things about myself, things probably won't work in my favor. I mean look at all the things I've changed so far. Changed my clothing, changed my pictures on tinder,  changed how I act around women and still, i get played around on. It's amazing how just last week I felt unstoppable and this week I feel like complete and utter shit.

My ex loves me to the world and back and I can't figure out what she sees in me. And why is it that she seems like the only woman on this planet who actually likes me in a way that I want to be liked? It's getting so bad that I'm actually considering going to a psychic to figure out what's wrong with me. I need to figure out if the path I'm on is the right one because I simply don't know anymore. This fucking city is overflowing with women but for some reason I can't find one that is genuinely interested in me at all. And the ones that do like me are bottom of the barrel and aren't what im particularly looking for.

I dont know man I'm just over it. I'm tired of dealing with these women online. Nothing good has come from it.

And now I have to deal with women in person and that's even more difficult because of my issues with approach anxiety.  I dont know man. I feel defeated.....

Tommorow = interesting?

Yeah....Tommorow and Sunday are going to be interesting....

Well.... mainly Tommorow.

Sunday is going to be kinda normal for me depending on what plans actually go down.

Tommorow I will be hanging with one of the girls from last weekend. Let's call her M. I talked to her on the phone today and once again she seemed really eager to hear from me. I like that, but I do find it kind of strange that I have to constantly get in contact with her instead of the the other way around. But whatever the case, were supposed to meet up at Piedmont park tommorow that is if it doesn't rain. But there's a high chance that it will so that might not happen. I still very much want to see M again So even if it does rain I'll definitely map out a plan B.

Sunday I may be hanging with J. She clearly understands the type of situation we have and isn't complaining about it at all. Which is great. Because I don't have time for it and she'd get dropped at a instant if she did.

My ex texted me earlier today asking to come over tommorow.  I told her that it couldn't happen and that she should come over today instead. She told me that she had plans already and she couldn't make it.

Now granted, I know I said that it doesn't bother me to know that she's dealing with other guys. But for some reason a part of me just can't get over that fact. Even knowing the fact that I'm dealing with other women it's just something that I've been having a really tough time getting over these past few days. At first I didn't think too much about it because it was never mentioned. It was just understood. But the last time she came over, we briefly talked about how we are dealing with other people. A part of me was shocked to know that she's fucked other dudes. But then a part of me wasn't shocked.  I'm all confused in my feelings.

I know I'm too Damn grown to have jealousy rip the fun I'm having right now so I just need to get over it. I'm having sex with 2 girls right now with no commitment what so ever. 1 is completely infatuated with me and the other just likes me a lot. And with the addition of M, I'm really hoping I can make it happen with her and have her join J and my ex.

Aside from my ex, M is the only girl I've been thinking about this past week. Really curious to see how things are going to go tommorow,  Given the fact that I let it be known to her where my mind was at the first time we talked on the phone.  I just hope none of this comes back to bite me in the ass because ive been in 2 situations where a girl fell off simply because they know my ex or know of my ex. Just found out today that around the time me and my ex seperated, she shared a post from a girl i was trying to talk to last month. So they definitely know of each other. I swear this city is so freaking small.

Well, hopefully, since M seems far removed from my lifestyle or the lifestyle my ex lives in, I won't have any problems. Well, only time will tell.....

Michigan?

So its been a few days since I've posted and truthfully I'm just working.....

Been working on art non stop for the past 5 days. I had a small comic project that held me up  for a small amount of time then i got a ton of commissions to fulfil. But i can't even clear those out because I keep having make changes to previous client work. Hopefully everything will be cleared off by the end of next week.

I also went on 2 dates this past week. Both went pretty well from what I could tell. Which was completely different from the last post. This time I'm learning to keep my composure, remain myself but put my best foot forward. I walk and talk a bit  slower now. I'm starting to wonder if thats whats preventing me from approaching girls like I should.  I'm always moving and talking in a fast pace which throws the girl off. And once that happens then I freeze up. So instead, I've learned to slow things down. It's helping me keep my voice deeper as well.

So, the first date I went on I met this girl (28) at the mall. This one was interesting for a few reasons but the main reason that stuck out the most is that she reminded me so much of all the women in my family. She has this no bs attitude and she seems like she is about her business. We walked around the mall and talked for quite a while. Sat down and talked a little more before it was time to go. I wasn't mode one with this one. I regret it, but at the same time I honestly believe you can change things around on the second date. I just didn't feel comfortable being like that in the mall and on top of that It was throwing me off just how much she reminded me of my family.

I know it's not good to be too enthusiastic or think about the future but I could definitely see her fitting in just fine with everyone.  Also she is very cute, she's short and thick but in shape. Just like I like em. After the date I told her to call me once she got to her destination. She never did. So I waited a few days and gave her a call. I really want to see this woman again So I asked her out for a second date.  I also did a bit of Mode one and she caught on and liked it. She clearly has attraction for me I just need to know how much. We plan to link up this weekend if the weather is good.  Even if it isn't I would still like to see her. She just  has a really positive vibe that I'm attracted to. Besides, I would love to have sex with her.

Second date went well also. This woman is 30 years old but doesn't seem like it. Then again, I've seen my fair share of 30 year old women this past 4 months and none of them really seem like they are that age. We met up at Bed Bath and Beyond because I needed to grab a few things. She seems cool and genuine but I can't see myself actually being with her. This is another J situation and I'm treating it as such. After our date she texted me letting me know she had a good time and would like to do this again. I look at this as a good sign because she texted me first.  She's essentially chasing me instead of me chasing her which is always a good thing.

What's interesting about both of these women is that they are both from Michigan. 🤣

So Tinder has been ok for me these past few weeks. But unfortunately I think I'm starting to feel a bit of a drag so I may have to delete my account again. I know one thing, i can definitely tell the difference in reaction between a self shot selfie and a photo you get someone to take of yourself.

Man...oh man....

So yeah....updates....

I'm low-key at a lost for words.....

So initially I not only was I thinking about canceling the date because I was still getting over a cold but the girl was thinking about it too. But she decided to still come despite her reluctance.

My headspace has not been the greatest as I've had my ex on my mind and I was still kinda sick but I still went on with the date because I figured that it would be good to meet new people.

Man. I dont know if it's just me or if it's the girls I'm attracting but I can't seem to connect with any of them. Every single fucking time I go out with someone new the connection is just never there.  I was Mode One for the most part. I let her know that I found her attractive and I really liked her lips. She told me thank you and she complimented my eyes. A few minutes later I was back on flirting mode and I told her to lean in. She hesitated and then let it be known that she doesn't kiss on the first date. (RED FLAG)

The problem was I wasn't even planning on kissing her at all tonight.  I just wanted to whisper in her ear. She still leaned in but I admit that mood was ruined because of her snarky comment. And in return my delivery was fucked. I essentially told her that i wanted her. My voice was probably light and I know I stumbled on my words. I know it's my fault but I can't put all the blame on myself.  She should've just shut the fuck up and leaned in for the whisper. So it clearly didn't work and she told me to my face that she wasn't feeling it. (RED FLAG #2) So at this point it felt kinda awkward and I was ready to get out of there. I paid the bill and we left to our cars. Hugged awkwardly, i let her know one more time that I wanted her and she had this turned off look on her face.

At this point, I never thought I would say this but I'm really considering giving up on dating right now. Like I know this was my first date in like 2 months but the fact of the matter is, every time I go out with a new chick it never goes anywhere. Every single fucking time. There is nothing any of these fucking dating coaches have mentioned that I haven't tried. Nothing I've tried works. Instead I'm just running in circles spending money I dont have on bitches that don't even deserve my time. Like, this girl was so boring, she seemed like a super party pooper and didn't seem like she was really attracted to me at all. She doesn't smoke, barely drinks, doesn't go out often, shes a nurse so she works a square job and most importantly she hasnt even seen black panther. I dont know one black person who hasnt seen that movie. And to top it off she didnt seem too enthusiastic about the film either. Yeah...I dont plan on contacting her again on my own merits. So if she doesn't contact me then I know she wasn't feeling me either.

I really want a 3rd girl to talk to just in case things with my ex take a turn. Because honestly I predict that she'll eventually meet someone soon and I wouldn't get any of her time. Like I'm seriously predicting this right now and I wouldn't be surprised if that happens in a few months. I just find it very funny how the only girl I can connect with on levels that I can't even explain is my ex. The main girl who I wanted to be rid of 5 months ago is the same girl I connect with effortlessly. We can get together, smoke and talk for hours about shit. Then things get sexual and we fuck. They vybe has honestly never been awkward with her now that in thinking about it.

But with these other girls I feel like im pulling teeth just to get their nonsexual attention let alone their sexual attention.

And W???

Man where do I begin.

This past Sunday I texted her to see what was up. The weather was sunny and I was bored. So I hit her up after I dropped my ex off. I let her know that she was playing games with me because she previously told me that she'd call me and let me know when she'd be free to hang out with me.  Of course she never called. So I called her out. And she tried to act all surprised and came up with excuses as to why I haven't heard from her. I'm almost to the point where I'm just tired of the bullshit. I'm ready for folks to stop fucking with me and be real with me. So I asked a simple question.  I asked "you trying to see me or what?"

And hour goes by, 2 hours go by, 3 days go by....no response. So I figured that me calling her bluff and telling it like it is was too much for her and she gave up. But i get on Facebook today and she writes on my wall. I dont fucking understand this chick. She has my number but instead of oh, I dunno texting me, this chick writes on my Facebook page. I respond with a question mark and then she doesn't respond back.

So if I didn't know before, i am 100% certain that she is a grade A attention whore. She just wants to see if she can still catch my attention. That's what it is with all of these girls out here it's all about games and manipulation. I am so freaking tired of this man. I think I'm gonna lock myself in this apartment and just work on my artwork. I'm soooo fucking tired of dealing with chicks who don't like me. Sooo fucking tired of it.

Interesting mood

Sheesh I'm definitely in a interesting mindset right now.

Tinder, for the most, part recently began working for me again. I have a few dates lined up and a few potential dates after that. In fact I might have a date today if I can figure out how to get rid of this head cold I got a few days ago. Still trying to figure out how I got it. I haven't been sick in a long time. The only thing I could think about is all the germs on the escalator at the mall when I went the previous weekend. I dont know. But i know that this shit needs to dissapear ASAP.

The girls I've come into contact with are pretty attractive.  More attractive than the girls I've talked with on my last 2 tinder trials. I've even managed to catch a popular models attention. She says she doesn't model but I'm thinking yeah right....ive seen plenty of photos of her that say otherwise.  I will say that I'm not even sure if she was the real girl. Because honestly, "catfishing" is still a thing. What's interesting is the way she talking to me. First off, she was the one to initiate contact with me. (I know right? 🙄) but after that initial message she began acting like I was supposed to beg for her attention I'm guessing  because thats what a lot of these dudes online do. Well being that I'm learning way more about the game I decided to ignore her and proceeded to ask her questions. I think the conversation died out but I'm sure she realized that I wasn't about to play her game.

These recent interactions on Tinder really opened my eyes a bit. It wasn't that I was unattractive to the girls I swiped right on. It was the fact that my pictures were unattractive. I've been using Tinder for 6 months now and this time around is the first time I've had women initiate contact with me. It's crazy! I hope my momentum stays high for a considerable amount of time. So yeah I think I'll be using my ex's photo skills more often. 😂

Speaking of her.....

I spent this past Saturday evening and half of that Sunday with her. We did all the things we usually did. I love that girl from the bottom of my heart and she loves me. But a part of me becomes extremely jealous whenever I think about or see her talking to other guys. Like I know we are just FWB but It still gets to me a bit. Which is why I try to avoid her Instagram stories and live streams like the plague. This morning however,  I didnt. And I kinda regret it because it put a bad taste in my mouth. She lives in a apartment full of women. So there's bound to be dudes around every now and then. And If you know women like I know women, I'm sure she's fucked at least one of them in her place. But my thing is I don't want to know about it or think about it. I checked out her live and she was on there with her roommate and some dude who brought them snacks. There wasn't much flirting on her part but who knows what actually happened off camera.

This is why I'm going to continue to avoid watching her stuff because it honestly ruined my mood a little bit for tonight. And it's on 8 in the morning! Smh Granted I'm still looking forward to see if I actually go on this date but I don't want to think about my ex while doing so....

More updates on the date in a later post....

Tinder....i hate life right now

So yeah, i created a new profile.  And honestly im already starting to regret it.  I'm just noticing the way things are going and it feels like im right back to where in started. And it hasnt even been a full day yet.

I'm matching with chicks with kids, undercover fat girls, transgender, and super tall chicks. ALL of the types of matches that I DONT want.

It's really making me believe that maybe the only girl I can connect with on a spiritual and close level is my ex. Every time we are around each other the chemistry is always there and it's almost never a dull moment. It just sucks how there are 11 billion women on this planet but for some strange reason I can't connect with any of the ones I come in contact with. It's really strange, almost like someone is trying to tell me something. And I think I know what that something is. But i don't want to. It's not right.The time isn't right, and I just simply want to surround myself with more women who find me just as attractive as I find them. I just can't for the life of me, figure out why that is so difficult for me to accomplish.

Tinder is hurting my ego more than it is helping it. Their bullshit algorithms hide really attractive women and show all the busted ones instead.  Which is why I'm only matching with the ones mentioned above. But what kills me about all of this is the fact that these busted women act like they aren't busted. They act like they are so beautiful and I would be lucky to get any of their time.

This is getting to me and it's killing me inside. I have a hard time approaching women in public so displaying Mode one to them is Damn near impossible at the moment.  I never match with anyone worthwhile on Tinder so I don't even get a chance to practice Mode one.

I also have come to the realization that I dont have any real friends. They all disappeared sometime while I was with my ex or after we seperated. The real friends that I do have don't even live in this state anymore. So I'm basically stuck. And it really sucks. I wish I could just start over from the beginning and see where things went wrong. Because I honestly believe that I've become accustomed to being by myself. Hell, I've done it for months now.  I just want to have friends again. The ones that won't judge, that are fun, that actually invites me to places. I just be wondering sometimes is the common denominator me? What is it about me that keeps people away?

I guess ill never know.....