Michigan?

So its been a few days since I've posted and truthfully I'm just working.....

Been working on art non stop for the past 5 days. I had a small comic project that held me up  for a small amount of time then i got a ton of commissions to fulfil. But i can't even clear those out because I keep having make changes to previous client work. Hopefully everything will be cleared off by the end of next week.

I also went on 2 dates this past week. Both went pretty well from what I could tell. Which was completely different from the last post. This time I'm learning to keep my composure, remain myself but put my best foot forward. I walk and talk a bit  slower now. I'm starting to wonder if thats whats preventing me from approaching girls like I should.  I'm always moving and talking in a fast pace which throws the girl off. And once that happens then I freeze up. So instead, I've learned to slow things down. It's helping me keep my voice deeper as well.

So, the first date I went on I met this girl (28) at the mall. This one was interesting for a few reasons but the main reason that stuck out the most is that she reminded me so much of all the women in my family. She has this no bs attitude and she seems like she is about her business. We walked around the mall and talked for quite a while. Sat down and talked a little more before it was time to go. I wasn't mode one with this one. I regret it, but at the same time I honestly believe you can change things around on the second date. I just didn't feel comfortable being like that in the mall and on top of that It was throwing me off just how much she reminded me of my family.

I know it's not good to be too enthusiastic or think about the future but I could definitely see her fitting in just fine with everyone.  Also she is very cute, she's short and thick but in shape. Just like I like em. After the date I told her to call me once she got to her destination. She never did. So I waited a few days and gave her a call. I really want to see this woman again So I asked her out for a second date.  I also did a bit of Mode one and she caught on and liked it. She clearly has attraction for me I just need to know how much. We plan to link up this weekend if the weather is good.  Even if it isn't I would still like to see her. She just  has a really positive vibe that I'm attracted to. Besides, I would love to have sex with her.

Second date went well also. This woman is 30 years old but doesn't seem like it. Then again, I've seen my fair share of 30 year old women this past 4 months and none of them really seem like they are that age. We met up at Bed Bath and Beyond because I needed to grab a few things. She seems cool and genuine but I can't see myself actually being with her. This is another J situation and I'm treating it as such. After our date she texted me letting me know she had a good time and would like to do this again. I look at this as a good sign because she texted me first.  She's essentially chasing me instead of me chasing her which is always a good thing.

What's interesting about both of these women is that they are both from Michigan. 🤣

So Tinder has been ok for me these past few weeks. But unfortunately I think I'm starting to feel a bit of a drag so I may have to delete my account again. I know one thing, i can definitely tell the difference in reaction between a self shot selfie and a photo you get someone to take of yourself.

Man...oh man....

So yeah....updates....

I'm low-key at a lost for words.....

So initially I not only was I thinking about canceling the date because I was still getting over a cold but the girl was thinking about it too. But she decided to still come despite her reluctance.

My headspace has not been the greatest as I've had my ex on my mind and I was still kinda sick but I still went on with the date because I figured that it would be good to meet new people.

Man. I dont know if it's just me or if it's the girls I'm attracting but I can't seem to connect with any of them. Every single fucking time I go out with someone new the connection is just never there.  I was Mode One for the most part. I let her know that I found her attractive and I really liked her lips. She told me thank you and she complimented my eyes. A few minutes later I was back on flirting mode and I told her to lean in. She hesitated and then let it be known that she doesn't kiss on the first date. (RED FLAG)

The problem was I wasn't even planning on kissing her at all tonight.  I just wanted to whisper in her ear. She still leaned in but I admit that mood was ruined because of her snarky comment. And in return my delivery was fucked. I essentially told her that i wanted her. My voice was probably light and I know I stumbled on my words. I know it's my fault but I can't put all the blame on myself.  She should've just shut the fuck up and leaned in for the whisper. So it clearly didn't work and she told me to my face that she wasn't feeling it. (RED FLAG #2) So at this point it felt kinda awkward and I was ready to get out of there. I paid the bill and we left to our cars. Hugged awkwardly, i let her know one more time that I wanted her and she had this turned off look on her face.

At this point, I never thought I would say this but I'm really considering giving up on dating right now. Like I know this was my first date in like 2 months but the fact of the matter is, every time I go out with a new chick it never goes anywhere. Every single fucking time. There is nothing any of these fucking dating coaches have mentioned that I haven't tried. Nothing I've tried works. Instead I'm just running in circles spending money I dont have on bitches that don't even deserve my time. Like, this girl was so boring, she seemed like a super party pooper and didn't seem like she was really attracted to me at all. She doesn't smoke, barely drinks, doesn't go out often, shes a nurse so she works a square job and most importantly she hasnt even seen black panther. I dont know one black person who hasnt seen that movie. And to top it off she didnt seem too enthusiastic about the film either. Yeah...I dont plan on contacting her again on my own merits. So if she doesn't contact me then I know she wasn't feeling me either.

I really want a 3rd girl to talk to just in case things with my ex take a turn. Because honestly I predict that she'll eventually meet someone soon and I wouldn't get any of her time. Like I'm seriously predicting this right now and I wouldn't be surprised if that happens in a few months. I just find it very funny how the only girl I can connect with on levels that I can't even explain is my ex. The main girl who I wanted to be rid of 5 months ago is the same girl I connect with effortlessly. We can get together, smoke and talk for hours about shit. Then things get sexual and we fuck. They vybe has honestly never been awkward with her now that in thinking about it.

But with these other girls I feel like im pulling teeth just to get their nonsexual attention let alone their sexual attention.

And W???

Man where do I begin.

This past Sunday I texted her to see what was up. The weather was sunny and I was bored. So I hit her up after I dropped my ex off. I let her know that she was playing games with me because she previously told me that she'd call me and let me know when she'd be free to hang out with me.  Of course she never called. So I called her out. And she tried to act all surprised and came up with excuses as to why I haven't heard from her. I'm almost to the point where I'm just tired of the bullshit. I'm ready for folks to stop fucking with me and be real with me. So I asked a simple question.  I asked "you trying to see me or what?"

And hour goes by, 2 hours go by, 3 days go by....no response. So I figured that me calling her bluff and telling it like it is was too much for her and she gave up. But i get on Facebook today and she writes on my wall. I dont fucking understand this chick. She has my number but instead of oh, I dunno texting me, this chick writes on my Facebook page. I respond with a question mark and then she doesn't respond back.

So if I didn't know before, i am 100% certain that she is a grade A attention whore. She just wants to see if she can still catch my attention. That's what it is with all of these girls out here it's all about games and manipulation. I am so freaking tired of this man. I think I'm gonna lock myself in this apartment and just work on my artwork. I'm soooo fucking tired of dealing with chicks who don't like me. Sooo fucking tired of it.

Interesting mood

Sheesh I'm definitely in a interesting mindset right now.

Tinder, for the most, part recently began working for me again. I have a few dates lined up and a few potential dates after that. In fact I might have a date today if I can figure out how to get rid of this head cold I got a few days ago. Still trying to figure out how I got it. I haven't been sick in a long time. The only thing I could think about is all the germs on the escalator at the mall when I went the previous weekend. I dont know. But i know that this shit needs to dissapear ASAP.

The girls I've come into contact with are pretty attractive.  More attractive than the girls I've talked with on my last 2 tinder trials. I've even managed to catch a popular models attention. She says she doesn't model but I'm thinking yeah right....ive seen plenty of photos of her that say otherwise.  I will say that I'm not even sure if she was the real girl. Because honestly, "catfishing" is still a thing. What's interesting is the way she talking to me. First off, she was the one to initiate contact with me. (I know right? 🙄) but after that initial message she began acting like I was supposed to beg for her attention I'm guessing  because thats what a lot of these dudes online do. Well being that I'm learning way more about the game I decided to ignore her and proceeded to ask her questions. I think the conversation died out but I'm sure she realized that I wasn't about to play her game.

These recent interactions on Tinder really opened my eyes a bit. It wasn't that I was unattractive to the girls I swiped right on. It was the fact that my pictures were unattractive. I've been using Tinder for 6 months now and this time around is the first time I've had women initiate contact with me. It's crazy! I hope my momentum stays high for a considerable amount of time. So yeah I think I'll be using my ex's photo skills more often. 😂

Speaking of her.....

I spent this past Saturday evening and half of that Sunday with her. We did all the things we usually did. I love that girl from the bottom of my heart and she loves me. But a part of me becomes extremely jealous whenever I think about or see her talking to other guys. Like I know we are just FWB but It still gets to me a bit. Which is why I try to avoid her Instagram stories and live streams like the plague. This morning however,  I didnt. And I kinda regret it because it put a bad taste in my mouth. She lives in a apartment full of women. So there's bound to be dudes around every now and then. And If you know women like I know women, I'm sure she's fucked at least one of them in her place. But my thing is I don't want to know about it or think about it. I checked out her live and she was on there with her roommate and some dude who brought them snacks. There wasn't much flirting on her part but who knows what actually happened off camera.

This is why I'm going to continue to avoid watching her stuff because it honestly ruined my mood a little bit for tonight. And it's on 8 in the morning! Smh Granted I'm still looking forward to see if I actually go on this date but I don't want to think about my ex while doing so....

More updates on the date in a later post....

Tinder....i hate life right now

So yeah, i created a new profile.  And honestly im already starting to regret it.  I'm just noticing the way things are going and it feels like im right back to where in started. And it hasnt even been a full day yet.

I'm matching with chicks with kids, undercover fat girls, transgender, and super tall chicks. ALL of the types of matches that I DONT want.

It's really making me believe that maybe the only girl I can connect with on a spiritual and close level is my ex. Every time we are around each other the chemistry is always there and it's almost never a dull moment. It just sucks how there are 11 billion women on this planet but for some strange reason I can't connect with any of the ones I come in contact with. It's really strange, almost like someone is trying to tell me something. And I think I know what that something is. But i don't want to. It's not right.The time isn't right, and I just simply want to surround myself with more women who find me just as attractive as I find them. I just can't for the life of me, figure out why that is so difficult for me to accomplish.

Tinder is hurting my ego more than it is helping it. Their bullshit algorithms hide really attractive women and show all the busted ones instead.  Which is why I'm only matching with the ones mentioned above. But what kills me about all of this is the fact that these busted women act like they aren't busted. They act like they are so beautiful and I would be lucky to get any of their time.

This is getting to me and it's killing me inside. I have a hard time approaching women in public so displaying Mode one to them is Damn near impossible at the moment.  I never match with anyone worthwhile on Tinder so I don't even get a chance to practice Mode one.

I also have come to the realization that I dont have any real friends. They all disappeared sometime while I was with my ex or after we seperated. The real friends that I do have don't even live in this state anymore. So I'm basically stuck. And it really sucks. I wish I could just start over from the beginning and see where things went wrong. Because I honestly believe that I've become accustomed to being by myself. Hell, I've done it for months now.  I just want to have friends again. The ones that won't judge, that are fun, that actually invites me to places. I just be wondering sometimes is the common denominator me? What is it about me that keeps people away?

I guess ill never know.....

Obvious

So im just gonna let it be known....

Me and W aren't going out today.

Which I figured.  I called her and she told me that she just took in a client (shes a hairstylist) I kinda dont blame her. She gotta get her money. So I'm not really upset in that regard....

What I am upset about is what was discussed after the fact.

She told me that she wants to see if we can hang out tommorow. I told her that would be cool. I then asked her what time was she talking and she told me that she'd have to let me know. Usually when a girl says that to me, that means it's just not happening.  Now things could change and look up for me but I'm not gonna pretend like I don't already know the outcome of this whole scenario.

After I hung up the phone, I immediately proceeded to restart my Tinder account.  I can't keep waiting to see if these Mode one tactics are going to work or not. I've tried a test run  on my ex and it worked on her. J is coming over this Friday and I'm going to reluctantly try it on her too.

So any of the new girls I meet on Tinder will get it as well. I'm tired of being Mode 2 and Mode 3 with these girls. It's time that they know my true intentions when im with them.

As far as my art is concerned:

Art work for my new series is consistently getting attention while my other comic is getting little to no attention. I put it up for sell 3 days ago and I've only gotten 1 sale from it so far. That's horrible. 

I honestly don't even believe it has anything to do with my ability to advertise it's content. I just can't get people to care for it. No matter how hard I try.  Which is why I really have to make my next series  stand out even though it is a direct sequel to my first series. Only time will tell if things begin to change.

Yes I know this is a abnormal time to post but I had to let it be known before I get back to work.  I have a Ms. Makeshift drawing  to do with my name on it......

Mode one

The concept of Mode one and just simply being Mode one has been on my mind a lot lately.  I'm just really really curious to try it out and see what goes down after wards. I finished 2 of ARC's books and I'm on his 3rd book now. They are definitly helping me change my mindset when it comes to these women.  I just have to find a way to become Mode one and to stay Mode one when im interacting.

The date with W is supposed to happen tommorow but I feel like it isn't set and stone and she could possibly stand me up as well just like she did last time. If she does it this time then it wouldn't take nothing for me to go ahead and erase her from my life. I'd just be upset because I got played before I even got the chance to test these techniques out to see if they work.

Also, if she does flake on me, I'm probably going to relaunch my tinder profile and try things on there for a while before I have to inevitably delete it again.

But man it would really suck to get my hopes up for the second time just to get them thrown down to the ground and stomped on.

Well, this would be a perfect time to have a time machine to see how things  will turn out tommorow but things like that don't exist today I'll just have to wait and dream about what may happen instead.

But I still have very high hopes and wishes that things do go as planned......

On my mind

These past few days have been rather trivial to me.....

This girl has been stuck on my mind for days now and I can't get her out. I was on the verge of sharing a status on Facebook that I would soon regret because I don't really share my personal thoughts on there anymore.  Here is where I do it so that's why I'm making this post so early 😅

But yes, let's call this girl W. Me and W barely have any history together at all. Which is strange because I've known about her and known of her for 10 years. We went to highschool together and I've always fantasized or dreamed that we actually hooked up.  Ive always found her sexually attractive but i always kept things to myself because she was loud and obnoxious in highschool. So she wasn't really my type in the romantic department. But since we are now more mature and older I dont really see a big deal.

My biggest issue with all of this is that I REALLY don't want to get my hopes up if shit doesn't fall through and she ends up blowing me off again. I can't take 2 rejections in a row. As mentioned last time I posted we planned to hang out in last November but she completly blee me off. Possibly to hang with another guy. Probably the same dude she ended up getting with for a couple of months. Little does she know that all she had to do was give me a shot and she wouldnt be disappointed. Smh

We have a date set for this Wednesday afternoon for ice cream. I keep running scenarios in my head on how i want things to go. I want to tell her what my intentions are. I want to tell her how bad i want to lay her down and lick her until she cums. I want to tell her how bad i want to hook up with her. And i want to see her reaction after all of this just to see if she feels the same way. Too bad I can't see into the future because I would love to know right now if im just wasting my time thinking about this girl. Because when it comes to Mode 1, I cannot hold back my true intentions. I really want to have sex with this girl. Probably more than any other girl I've been in contact with in the past 7 years. (Well other than my Ex of course) And she's going to instantly know it after around 10 or so minutes of trivial small talk.....

Man I want her...

Speaking of Mode 1. Man...

ok so yesterday in my opinion marked the first day of spring. The weather was awesome! No more cold, no more jackets!
I felt good about myself almost all day until the second half of the day when shit hit the fan.

Earlier in the day I went grocery shopping and came across 2 women that I had to say something to. I basically greeted them. That was all, no small talk, no hitting on them. Nothing.
In the end I regretted not trying to pick up one of the girls but the other one I could've cared less about.  So after that I decided to say "fuck it" if the weather doesn't change then I'm going out. So I took a trip to one of my favorite clothing stores and bought 2 shirts. (They really need to update their jean selection it's getting worse.) I walked outside and the sun was beaming and the temperature was comfortable.  Since I was around the corner I said "fuck it " I'm going to Lenox mall.

Now I'm no stranger of going to this mall by myself. I've done it multiple times on multiple occasions.  But every time I go in there, I feel so freaking overwhelmed. Then I start to feel down on myself and I don't feel like myself anymore.  I spent most of my time there walking around looking at chicks until I realized I needed a belt.  So I went in Americaneagle and bought a belt for 30 dollars. I was upset but it was needed. I then walked in the vans store and realized they were also selling belts but 15 dollars cheaper and more of my style. So I took my belt back to American eagle and got a refund. In the process of this I came across a couple of women. None of them were receptive and I made myself look really stupid during some of the interactions. What I'm starting to notice about my game now is that I'm basically running Mode 2 on autopilot. I dont even realize I'm doing the shit until after I start blabbing my mouth. I am proud of myself for saying anything to these women at all, but at the same time,  what im saying and how Im saying it also makes a difference.

I'm starting to also use my business cards as a crutch and I'm not really making any progress. Now I'm thinking about way back in the day when I told my ex that I used to give business cards to chicks I was interested in. She told me that if I had given her a business card then she'd throw it in the trash or lose it. This could possibly be happening with all  the chicks I'm talking to. Even though it comes off as different than the rest,  I don't think I've been leaving a great impression with any of the girls I interact with. So I may need to chill with the business card thing and just tell them to give me their number instead.

So to make a long story short, I doubt I'll hear back from any of these women that I talked to yesterday. 

But on a positive note, the weather just began to warm up so I have plenty of opportunities to talk to more women and improve my game to a comfortable point. So that's always a positive....