Tinder....i hate life right now

So yeah, i created a new profile.  And honestly im already starting to regret it.  I'm just noticing the way things are going and it feels like im right back to where in started. And it hasnt even been a full day yet.

I'm matching with chicks with kids, undercover fat girls, transgender, and super tall chicks. ALL of the types of matches that I DONT want.

It's really making me believe that maybe the only girl I can connect with on a spiritual and close level is my ex. Every time we are around each other the chemistry is always there and it's almost never a dull moment. It just sucks how there are 11 billion women on this planet but for some strange reason I can't connect with any of the ones I come in contact with. It's really strange, almost like someone is trying to tell me something. And I think I know what that something is. But i don't want to. It's not right.The time isn't right, and I just simply want to surround myself with more women who find me just as attractive as I find them. I just can't for the life of me, figure out why that is so difficult for me to accomplish.

Tinder is hurting my ego more than it is helping it. Their bullshit algorithms hide really attractive women and show all the busted ones instead.  Which is why I'm only matching with the ones mentioned above. But what kills me about all of this is the fact that these busted women act like they aren't busted. They act like they are so beautiful and I would be lucky to get any of their time.

This is getting to me and it's killing me inside. I have a hard time approaching women in public so displaying Mode one to them is Damn near impossible at the moment.  I never match with anyone worthwhile on Tinder so I don't even get a chance to practice Mode one.

I also have come to the realization that I dont have any real friends. They all disappeared sometime while I was with my ex or after we seperated. The real friends that I do have don't even live in this state anymore. So I'm basically stuck. And it really sucks. I wish I could just start over from the beginning and see where things went wrong. Because I honestly believe that I've become accustomed to being by myself. Hell, I've done it for months now.  I just want to have friends again. The ones that won't judge, that are fun, that actually invites me to places. I just be wondering sometimes is the common denominator me? What is it about me that keeps people away?

I guess ill never know.....

Obvious

So im just gonna let it be known....

Me and W aren't going out today.

Which I figured.  I called her and she told me that she just took in a client (shes a hairstylist) I kinda dont blame her. She gotta get her money. So I'm not really upset in that regard....

What I am upset about is what was discussed after the fact.

She told me that she wants to see if we can hang out tommorow. I told her that would be cool. I then asked her what time was she talking and she told me that she'd have to let me know. Usually when a girl says that to me, that means it's just not happening.  Now things could change and look up for me but I'm not gonna pretend like I don't already know the outcome of this whole scenario.

After I hung up the phone, I immediately proceeded to restart my Tinder account.  I can't keep waiting to see if these Mode one tactics are going to work or not. I've tried a test run  on my ex and it worked on her. J is coming over this Friday and I'm going to reluctantly try it on her too.

So any of the new girls I meet on Tinder will get it as well. I'm tired of being Mode 2 and Mode 3 with these girls. It's time that they know my true intentions when im with them.

As far as my art is concerned:

Art work for my new series is consistently getting attention while my other comic is getting little to no attention. I put it up for sell 3 days ago and I've only gotten 1 sale from it so far. That's horrible. 

I honestly don't even believe it has anything to do with my ability to advertise it's content. I just can't get people to care for it. No matter how hard I try.  Which is why I really have to make my next series  stand out even though it is a direct sequel to my first series. Only time will tell if things begin to change.

Yes I know this is a abnormal time to post but I had to let it be known before I get back to work.  I have a Ms. Makeshift drawing  to do with my name on it......

Mode one

The concept of Mode one and just simply being Mode one has been on my mind a lot lately.  I'm just really really curious to try it out and see what goes down after wards. I finished 2 of ARC's books and I'm on his 3rd book now. They are definitly helping me change my mindset when it comes to these women.  I just have to find a way to become Mode one and to stay Mode one when im interacting.

The date with W is supposed to happen tommorow but I feel like it isn't set and stone and she could possibly stand me up as well just like she did last time. If she does it this time then it wouldn't take nothing for me to go ahead and erase her from my life. I'd just be upset because I got played before I even got the chance to test these techniques out to see if they work.

Also, if she does flake on me, I'm probably going to relaunch my tinder profile and try things on there for a while before I have to inevitably delete it again.

But man it would really suck to get my hopes up for the second time just to get them thrown down to the ground and stomped on.

Well, this would be a perfect time to have a time machine to see how things  will turn out tommorow but things like that don't exist today I'll just have to wait and dream about what may happen instead.

But I still have very high hopes and wishes that things do go as planned......

On my mind

These past few days have been rather trivial to me.....

This girl has been stuck on my mind for days now and I can't get her out. I was on the verge of sharing a status on Facebook that I would soon regret because I don't really share my personal thoughts on there anymore.  Here is where I do it so that's why I'm making this post so early 😅

But yes, let's call this girl W. Me and W barely have any history together at all. Which is strange because I've known about her and known of her for 10 years. We went to highschool together and I've always fantasized or dreamed that we actually hooked up.  Ive always found her sexually attractive but i always kept things to myself because she was loud and obnoxious in highschool. So she wasn't really my type in the romantic department. But since we are now more mature and older I dont really see a big deal.

My biggest issue with all of this is that I REALLY don't want to get my hopes up if shit doesn't fall through and she ends up blowing me off again. I can't take 2 rejections in a row. As mentioned last time I posted we planned to hang out in last November but she completly blee me off. Possibly to hang with another guy. Probably the same dude she ended up getting with for a couple of months. Little does she know that all she had to do was give me a shot and she wouldnt be disappointed. Smh

We have a date set for this Wednesday afternoon for ice cream. I keep running scenarios in my head on how i want things to go. I want to tell her what my intentions are. I want to tell her how bad i want to lay her down and lick her until she cums. I want to tell her how bad i want to hook up with her. And i want to see her reaction after all of this just to see if she feels the same way. Too bad I can't see into the future because I would love to know right now if im just wasting my time thinking about this girl. Because when it comes to Mode 1, I cannot hold back my true intentions. I really want to have sex with this girl. Probably more than any other girl I've been in contact with in the past 7 years. (Well other than my Ex of course) And she's going to instantly know it after around 10 or so minutes of trivial small talk.....

Man I want her...

Speaking of Mode 1. Man...

ok so yesterday in my opinion marked the first day of spring. The weather was awesome! No more cold, no more jackets!
I felt good about myself almost all day until the second half of the day when shit hit the fan.

Earlier in the day I went grocery shopping and came across 2 women that I had to say something to. I basically greeted them. That was all, no small talk, no hitting on them. Nothing.
In the end I regretted not trying to pick up one of the girls but the other one I could've cared less about.  So after that I decided to say "fuck it" if the weather doesn't change then I'm going out. So I took a trip to one of my favorite clothing stores and bought 2 shirts. (They really need to update their jean selection it's getting worse.) I walked outside and the sun was beaming and the temperature was comfortable.  Since I was around the corner I said "fuck it " I'm going to Lenox mall.

Now I'm no stranger of going to this mall by myself. I've done it multiple times on multiple occasions.  But every time I go in there, I feel so freaking overwhelmed. Then I start to feel down on myself and I don't feel like myself anymore.  I spent most of my time there walking around looking at chicks until I realized I needed a belt.  So I went in Americaneagle and bought a belt for 30 dollars. I was upset but it was needed. I then walked in the vans store and realized they were also selling belts but 15 dollars cheaper and more of my style. So I took my belt back to American eagle and got a refund. In the process of this I came across a couple of women. None of them were receptive and I made myself look really stupid during some of the interactions. What I'm starting to notice about my game now is that I'm basically running Mode 2 on autopilot. I dont even realize I'm doing the shit until after I start blabbing my mouth. I am proud of myself for saying anything to these women at all, but at the same time,  what im saying and how Im saying it also makes a difference.

I'm starting to also use my business cards as a crutch and I'm not really making any progress. Now I'm thinking about way back in the day when I told my ex that I used to give business cards to chicks I was interested in. She told me that if I had given her a business card then she'd throw it in the trash or lose it. This could possibly be happening with all  the chicks I'm talking to. Even though it comes off as different than the rest,  I don't think I've been leaving a great impression with any of the girls I interact with. So I may need to chill with the business card thing and just tell them to give me their number instead.

So to make a long story short, I doubt I'll hear back from any of these women that I talked to yesterday. 

But on a positive note, the weather just began to warm up so I have plenty of opportunities to talk to more women and improve my game to a comfortable point. So that's always a positive....

Headspace

My head space is all over the place right now. I wouldn't say that I'm happy, but I'm content.

I didn't update or interact that much at all with my Instagram account today. I just figured that I needed a break.  I barely drew anything also. Simply because I had errands to tend to. I got my hair retwisted and cleaned my car for the first time in like 2 months. After that I was determined to get some female interaction. I was thinking about calling J but I couldn't help myself. I called my ex instead. It's just something about her energy that I love being around. It looks like she's actually starting to improve and live her life. Good for her. All the positive energy she brings keeps my hopes up. Keeps my hopes that I at least have one girl who genuinely likes me for friendship and sex. When I talk to other girls I just sense the bullshit I'm going to deal with.

Which is why I started listening to another dating coach. But this one seems so much different than the others. Not only is this new guys stuff fresh and new, but it breaks down everything so perfectly. He even breaks down stuff that I couldn't understand about women. He basically explains in his books that you have to be bold in a sexual way when you are out with a woman or when you approach them. You have to let them know exactly what your intentions are and if they act offended, then thats all it is, an act 50% of the time. So you have to be persistent.

This thought process is called Mode 1 and I think this could be the missing puzzle.  I'm going test it soon. I've tested it on my ex and it works. Next I'm going to test it out on J.........

And....

The girl that dissed me before this blog,  has come back. I reached out to her strategically on facebook after she split with her short term boyfriend. To my surprise she actually answered. But response times were slowed because Facebook has developed of habit of not telling you when you have new messages or Notifications. So today I decided to pretend like I forgot I had her number and hit her up a day later.  To my surprise she answered there too. I told her that I wanted to get some ice creme. We scheduled a meet up next week on Wednesday.

Now this girl has played me before by going to see another guy while she planned to come see me.  So I'm not even sure if we're just playing a game of cat and mouse or not. I just know that if it does happen then I have to be highly sexual.  And be causal about sex and explicit language. I have no problem doing it with my ex or even J on occasions so It shouldn't be with other girls. This let's her know that I'm not trying to be her friend. I want to have sex with her and it's her choice if she wants to reciprocate.  But in order to get there and not fuck this up I have to let things be known that I want to have sex with her or sexually flirt with her....

Well I'm getting tired.....

I'll update my progress soon....

Thoughts and concepts

I don't know man, I've just been feeling really weird these last few days. It must have to do with my current failure to sell anything comic related at the Con this year. Which is kind of unusual. I haven't felt this way in a long time.  But it reminded me of how I felt when I people walked past me at Momocon one year. Almost like I didn't exist or something. So now it's like I'm unsure of my talents. I know I shouldn't compare myself to other artists but there were kids walking around with stick figure posters all over the place. I think I sold only 5 posters the entire weekend. I guess I'll just have to push harder in order to reach more of an audience.

Which leads me to today.....

I debuted one of my newest characters from my new project today. Fan reaction is mostly positive so far. As much as I love my first comic project, it was weighing me down. So I'm glad that I can finally start drawing characters that the audience will care about.

As far as women are concerned.....

I managed to get my jeans in the mail and I wore them both out in about during the week. I really like them but I still need more things in order to revamp my wardrobe. I got my ex to take some photos. Yes I'll use some of them for social media but I am definitely using some for Tinder when I get back on it. I have a feeling things will go better the next time I begin to use it.

Speaking of Tinder, the 2 girls who I started talking to before I deleted my profile are falling off. No surprise there....

One of them is acting weird. And at first I didn't know why, but after checking out her Facebook, i think I have a pretty good feeling why....

She is super close friends with one of my ex's friends.  On top of that, i think she still has a boyfriend. She hasn't texted me back in a week so I guess that's over with.  It just sucks that this city is so freaking small.

The other girls is only talking to me through Instagram. (I know, red flag)
She won't give me her number and all in all I'm feeling more and more down on myself everytime I talk to her. She gets online all throughout the day but seems to only manage to text me back briefly for short periods of time. So nah, im definitly not on her priority list.

Also,  On Friday I gave this girl my card while ordering my food at Zaxbys. This girl was cute as hell and I let it be known. She smiled and said thanks. I am proud of myself for even doing that.  But of course I never heard from her again.....its been super difficult to get a 3rd woman on my roster. As of right now I have my ex and a girl I'll name J. Both are seemingly infatuated with me and I almost never have to contact them first.  I can't seem to find another one like that at all right now.

Things have gotten so bad I've taken the extra step to contact a chick that dissed me before I made updated this blog last year. She dissed me hard but I still want to fuck. I'm trying to set something up but I'm not going to be surprised if it falls through like usual. But if we do finally meet up,  im going to go out of my way to let it be known that I want to hook up.

Speaking of hooking up,

So I've been reading this book for about a week and half about being direct with women and  how to talk dirty to women in order to get the excited for sex or during sex. Basically you just have to be bold and sexy.

I tried out a few techniques on my ex and it pissed her off because she never experienced anything like what i did to her even when were together.

Im going to try the same thing on J thr next time I see her. Now if it works on her then I know it will work for any girl.

In my head....again..

Man...ok

Again, I use this blog to prevent myself from posting shit I dont need to post on Social media for everyone to see. So if anyone just so happens to cone across this blog then so be it.

But this is just what's been going on in my mind these past few days.

Girls

Ok, Today has been the first Valentines day I've spent alone in 5 years. I made a decision not to spend time with my ex because we've already been spending too much tine together and spending today together would be overkill. It's hard to imagine or even think that we are just friends at this point.  Because when ever she's around things just feel like we are back to normal again. Like we didn't just break up 4 months ago. I didn't contact her at all today and I didn't think she'd notice, but she did. And she was pissed.  I'm  guessing she feels the exact same way as I do.  But her feelings are much more stronger than mine.  But she'll be ok, we'll be seeing each other again this weekend....

Which brings me to my next thought,  so I managed to talk to one of the girls I met on Tinder before I deleted it. She sounds really cute and her voice matches her pictures so we planned a meet up for next week. But I'm unsure of her intentions.... Really unsure actually.

I didn't know her name so instead of asking, i just asked for her company name because I know she's an entrepreneur. I got to the website and one way or another, I got to her profile. So after I got off the phone with her, I did some digging. It seems like she just got out of a relationship recently. And when I say recently i mean like 3 months recently.....not sure what to think of this honestly.

Actually I'm not even sure if she is even single. Because she still has pictures of her dude on her page. And they were fairly recent.  Which kinda kills me inside because all of this is reminding me of my ex.  She still has all of our pictures on her profile. So its just another reminder of what we had versus what we have now. Granted, I love what we have now but part of me just wishes none of that shit ever happened and we just continued on our path together. We are still on our path together but man, the reprucussions of what happened are freaking awful.

So because of this I am dedicating at least 2 hours per day to  read books and research on how to be more seductive towards woman. I have a ton of new material to read from so I just have to put the work in. Because quite frankly I'm tired of getting played around by women. I keep reading that being straight forward instead of letting things fly maybe the way to go when it comes to women today so maybe that's what I'll do.

Gotta let them know I'm trying to spend time with them on a intimate level.. that just might be what this new Tinder girl is trying to do. I guess I'll never know unless I make it known....

ART

I'm definitely in the dawn of a new step in the right direction for my art. I average around 3 new commissions per week and my follower count on Instagram rises every few days. Which is a crazy contrast on how things were back in 2016 and the beginning of 2017. Which in turn made me hyper sensitive about my work. People weren't engaging with me nor were they really following my progress. Which killed me inside because everywhere I turned people would say they love my work. But my numbers nor engagement was showing that love back.

This made me lash out to people on Deviantart and Facebook. Thus making me public enemy number 1. Since then I've cooled off, not only because the growth I finally obtained but because a great deal of artists follow me on both Platforms.

However, I'm starting to notice a trend and I'm not going to lie, i hate the fact that this is a trend, and I hate the fact that my actions in the past art hurting my opportunities for friendships or connections in the present.  I went through and did a massive unfollow raid a a few nights ago on Instagram.

I also went through and looked at some of the popular black artists on Instagram and seen who they follow. What I find interesting is that more than half of them were following almost all the black artists on Instagram that are deemed popular but they weren't following me. Now I know I'm not the most popular artist on IG but I Damn sure know I'm making waves. My account has been mentioned with a few popular artists accounts so its not like they not seeing my work. Its almost like my stuff is thrown in the faces of all of them until they are forced to block all of my content. So its guaranteed that most of them are ignoring my page instead of just checking out what im doing.

There are 2 artists in particular who watch my IG stories every time I post so I know they are paying attention. It's just that they aren't really willing to connect or even follow my account. I know they will never purchase commissioned work from me or probably never support my comic work but at the same time that  acknowledgement is just as important. It just sucks to know that I dont get the support reciprocated just because of some posts I made on Facebook a year or so ago. I guess I can do nothing more but to show and prove that I'm a force to be reckoned with. 

Which is why I have to push my next project and make it The best looking comic I've done yet. Maybe then I'll get the acknowledgement I want from popular artists in the black artists community....😒