Procrastination

I think I'm still in that tunneled vision DGAF phase in my life right now. I'm only focused on one thing and that's completing my art tasks. I havent really been out in public , I havent had my hair retwisted yet, and I've regressed to only shaving once per week. So yeah I'm probably looking like a total maniac right now......

Thos past Friday, I did an art show for the kids at my old elementary school and it was eye opening at how many kids could potentially be looking up to me. So getting art tasks completed first is the most important thing. This upcoming weekend is going to be a big one because of Onyxcon.  I still have a few things to prepare for but I'm almost mentally there.

I've been hanging around my ex a lot more than I should these past few weeks. Partially because I have no other female to give my attention to at this point. I know it isn't at all too healthy as she is becoming a little too comfortable with coming over every weekend. It's almost as if we are in another relationship. Which feels so good but I know it's bad for the both of us. Which is why, when we aren't talking I found myself on Tinder trying to meet new women. But Tinder has a knack for giving a few succesful matches the first 2 weeks then after that, they hide your profile.  So I went ahead and got my last 2 situations I could get off of the app then I deleted my profile. I dont want to make another one until I get my jeans in the mail and some professional photos. 

Both girls are pretty temporary already,  i can tell. One is only talking to me on Instagram and the other ignored me the first time I initiated contact then hit me back 2 days later. I told her that we should meet up next week and she was cool with it. I'll give her a call sometime this week to touch base but that's all she getting from me. I'm really curious to see how things will be once the temperature goes up outside because honestly I'm ready for a new adventure. I'd like to meet another girl like Mariah, but this time I'd like to actually enjoy being around her 😅

Anyway,  I'm starting to consider putting my comic up for sell digitally first before I move on to physical. I gotta see how many people would purchase the digital first just to see if it would even be a good investment. Only time will tell.....

Other than that I've just been patiently waiting,  screwing around in my own head about all the girls I've interacted with these last few months and how i could've done things differently.  I guess that's just how the cookie crumbles sometimes...

And I have yet to really start lifting weights again. It's just difficult lifting weights knowing that I have a shit ton of artwork to run through,  but at the same time im going to be fat if I keep this up so im going to try and get some type of work out in tommorow, even if it's just a starting point, as long as it's something....

Sheesh

My mind is in a interesting place right now.

It's like im in the middle of wanting to do things but not wanting to do things at the same time. Like I have an extreme lack of motivation to anything right now. I was supposed to go back to the gym Monday, it is now about to be Thursday and I have yet to go.  Partially because of the weather, partially because of my art commissions taking up my time, and finally,  just a lack of motivation to get things going. I know eventually I'm going to have to begin soon.  I am now at my goal weight. 150 lbs, the exact size I was before I met my ex. Who knew that all I had to do was eat a few tubs of icecream and 2 dozen donuts in the past month to gain 10 pounds 😅

Speaking of my ex, it's pretty interesting how she is the only female interaction Ive had in the past few weeks. I think I lost all of my other options. And the one thing that was helping me meet new women is now not working for me anymore . Tinder is really starting to bug me. They intentionally hide your profile from others hoping that you will keep paying to boost it so your profile will get more views. It seems the only way to get things going again is to restart my profile. Because for some reason I seem to get 1 or 2 matches per week which was completely different from how things were when I first began my account. And the matches most likely suck. Either from women who wont respond to my advances or the ones that do don't even seem remotely interested. It's pretty annoying when I think about it because this isnt a one way street. They had to swipe right on me otherwise we wouldnt have matched. So why give the cold shoulder afterwards? Its freaking stupid. Once I get my new jeans in the mail, I'm going to have my ex take some profesional looking photos of me and post em up on a new profile. Hopefully things will change for the better.

I have 2 art shows to go to this month.  But I'm unsure about both. I think it's the lack of motivation talking but I really don't want to do either.  But it's literally the only way to make money this month so I have to do what I have to do.

I hope this lack of motivation dies down soon. In a few months it will be hot again. And women will be out everywhere. I need to remember that if I dont pick things up, I'll be single and unhappy forever.....

Time for a change?

So I've been thinking about some things recently....

I think it's time for a change in my look.  It's crazy to think that I haven't really changed my wardrobe since 2013. That was 5 years ago. Yeah, i purchased a few  things here and there but ive never really switched things up.  Today, i went ahead and purchased 2 new pairs jeans from this Chinese website that generally sells cheap shit. Some of it is fake but I'm at a point in time of my life where I really don't care as long as it looks good. I see they have a few cool looking pairs of shoes on there too but I'm going to wait a bit before I try my luck with that.

What got me thinking about this is my current stance with women and my instagram.  Yeah I now have a pretty large following but it's because of my art and nothing else. It's taking me sometime but I think I want more out of my page. There's this guy who I've been following for ages who does exactly what I want to do on my page.  He has a pretty large folllwing, but there's one major difference between what he does and what I do. He just creates illustrations.  No original concepts, no comics, no original characters.  This could be a turning point for me honestly. This guy is really big on fashion and taking professional photos along with his art. I've always wanted to do that but at the time I was so focused on growing my following that the fashion stuff fell by the way side. This would be the perfect oppurtunity to grow a much larger following not just on art but also on fashion.  Maybe I can finally start to sell Tshirts featuring Cjay and Ms. Maleshift for real this time.

This also pertains to women because my quality in photos of myself on Tinder and on Instagram have faltered so much that really, the only attention I get from my photos on instagram are from guys most of the time. This could possibly be why my ELO score on Tinder is so low and I only match with 6s and 7s with kids on there vs. 8s and 9s without kids. Sonwtimes I dont get matches at all. And anytime I do match with a high caliber woman, she either doesn't respond to my messages or she unmatches with me directly after. Maybe a new wardrobe would boost my confidence a bit more when it's time to go out in the real world....

What's funny about all of this is the last time I hung out with my ex, she told me she and her roommate were talking and giving each other psychic readings. Apparantly, her roommate doesn't  like me because she felt that my self confidence and energy was shot. Which she was right,  my self confidence was pretty high 6 years ago but it's pretty low now and I'm trying to build it back up as much as I can now.  But she also said something pretty interesting. She said that I'll be a difference guy in a couple of months and my confidence will be through the roof. I'll be acting different, dressing different and hitting the gym getting my body right. That stuck with me from the very first time she said it. And that was around a week ago.  Funny how Im just now having the urge to do something about it. Maybe this is what she meant.  And it's perfect this time around. Because before, my ex would practically beg me to get in front of the camera and I never wanted to because I never thought I was good enough. But fuck that, I am good enough.

Last night I watched this video that I haven't seen since my and my ex were in a relationship.  It was about looking at yourself and truly loving what you see. I'm going to make it a mission to do just that. It's time for a change. I'm finished with my comic and I'm taking my time on my next project so honestly,  i dont have any excuses to not really work on improving my self love. Because I want to see what my ex sees in me. I want to know why she cherishes me so much. I want to feel that same way about myself.

I've also downloaded PDF versions of "48 laws of Power" and "The way of the Superior Man" these might be the books that I've been missing in my life.  Too many times have I acted out of character instead of how a man is really  supposed to act. This is deep rooted in my childhood that I won't go too far into that right now. One thing i will say, I am definitely ready for change. Because it's February. Approximately 3 months before spring weather really hits. And I am not trying to be stuck in my house studying how to be a man. It's time to act upon it.....

The nerve

So I'm just minding my business and boom! I get a text.

I didn't know who it was from because I previously deleted text convos and numbers from girls who I know I wouldn't be talking to anymore.  It took me a while to figure out who it was until I did and was immediately ticked off. It was the girl who planned on coming to see me a couple of weeks ago but totally bailed on me without a text or call even after she said she'd call me back. I thought to myself, "the nerve of this bitch" You dissapear for 2 weeks and then randomly out of the blue on a Thursday afternoon you think it's cool to text me some bullshit? It's not even like she asked me how I was doing? Or sent me a "hey" or a "what's up" text. She blatantly texted some random ass shit expecting me to text her back.

I went ahead and deleted that message. And her number. I swear the nerve of some of these "women". Like they dont think it's rude at all to set something up, not show up, dissapear for 2 weeks and then try to pop back up like shit is sweet. That shit is crazy.  Not only that but she not even all that pretty for her to be acting like that. Hell, I'm at a point now when I dont even take that shit from pretty women.  So why the fuck would she expect me to just be cool with that? That bitch is crazy! I hope she wondering why I never texted her back. But then again, since this new age of dating is so fucked, she probably got like 15 more guys to talk to who would put up with that shit....smh

What's done is done in houston

The title says it all. I'm slowly but surely beginning to understand this concept. It's coming to me every single day in different signs.

When me and my ex split back in September, I went and took a leap of faith and caught a flight to Houston to see this girl I previously  dated shortly before me and my ex met. Big mistake. Not only did we not have sex, but it seemed like she didn't want anything to do with me. I mean granted, I did just get out of a relationship but at the same time we previously talked about me coming out there and she seemed really interested in seeing me. But I was clearly wrong about everything. I had to stay in a hotel room and she would come and pick me up to go to random ass places. At the time I wasn't studying the game as much as I am now so I didn't totally understand what she was doing but once I got back home it all dawned on me. She totally was trying to put me in the "trick bag". Must've had something to do with the fact that I flew out to see her and not the other way around......

I spent all of this money to come see her and when I got there she barely treated me to anything. She wanted me to pay for Damn near everything and would've let me had I not declined. I kept trying to touch her and do sone PDA but nothing worked. She literally told me that I was being too romantic. In the back of mins I was thinking "How the fuck does a good looking guy like me keep getting put in these fucked up situations?"

The last day she let me stay at her apartment.  We didn't have sex because she was conveniently on her period at the time. She wasn't lying though. I saw tampon wrappers in the trash. She spent the better half of the entire day studying for her college test and ignoring me. Luckily I had my sketch book so I had something to occupy my time. But even that got boring for me. I felt so retarded that I wasted time money and resources going out there. I know she knew it because she kept asking me if I was ok and I told her that I was bored out of my mind.  Yet she didn't even try to entertain me. I was just like wtf.

When it was time for me to leave I got a inkling of a kiss that I've been waiting the entire trip to get . It was the wackest kiss I have ever had. I felt so fucking terrible. Not only that but I almost missed my fucking flight. Shit was crazy.

Even after all of that, I tried to remain positive. But that all ends here. Right now. Tonight.

You see, I've dated enough so far to know when a woman is genuinely intrigued with me. I don't have to do much pursuing if  at all. They always pursue me and it makes me feel good because it lets me know that I'm on their mind.  This is currently happening with my ex and another girl on my roster. (Sucks that I can't find more right now but that's just how it is.) But this girl, nah she never contacts me. NEVER. Which I believe is the complete opposite of how she was when we first met. I mean she was all over me when we first met. And I admit, I was young and didn't really appreciate it.

But now I feel as if this chick has all of the control in this situation now. And tonight was the final straw.  Again, as I said before, she never initiates contact.  It's always me hitting her up. I figured that I may as well try to chat with her to get my mind off my ex. Because honestly there were a couple of times this past weekend with my ex when I almost said "fuck it" in my head and probably would've done something I'd probably regret. So I decided to text her to see what she was doing.  I said I wanted to hear her voice. I know, sucker move, but I was bored and wanted to talk to sonebody. She told me that she would call me tonight.

It is now an hour past my usual bed time and she still hasn't called. Probably anticiapting me to call her to make me look like a super simp. Which is not going to happen at all.

So now I'm thinking that it's done with. And all of the things in my mind about this situation were right on the money. I don't give a fuck what could've happened, I cant get a text or a call from you at all? Just shows how much I dont matter to her life. In fact, I never mattered. I really hate the fact that I can't get that time or money back. Like that's going to be wrecking my brain for a while.  So I just have to take that L and realize that I'm never 100% special in someone's life no matter how much time has passed. Because I was once special to her. A priority if you will. But now it's clear that she put me in a category that I can get out of no matter how hard I try. And fuck it.

I'm not trying anymore.

This weekend

I'm really starting to believe in destiny.....well kinda

This past Saturday and Sunday I spent hanging with my ex. We've been having sex all over the place. And I must admit, she's 10 times freakier now than she was back when we were together. I'm not sure if it's because she's been wilding with other guys and learned some new tricks or what but I wouldn't be surprised. One thing I'm starting to realize about myself is that I dont get as jealous as I used to. Like I know she talks to other guys but it doesn't bother me as much as it should.  Maybe it's just because im getting older.

It's pretty crazy how this is going right now. She is 100% Ok with our FWB situation.  But i have no idea how long she'll pretend to be numb to this idea. She kept reiterating that she would drop any guy for me and I'm still unsure how i feel about that. I dont want what we have to come in between a bond that she could build with someone else. But she seems firm on it so I guess only time will tell.

But this weekend felt good. That quality time that we had felt amazing. Almost like we never split up. I'm giving her everything that I wasn't giving her before: Attention and it sucks because thats all she really wanted from me. Now that I make a decent ammount of money from art, i dont have to make 100% of my time about it.  Which is completely different from how things were back then.

I know one thing,  our bond is strong.  Actually it's stronger than ever before. And it sucks that I can't have her 100% to my self right now. I have to keep surrounding myself with women who don't neccesarily like me or they aren't sure if they like me and I hate that feeling. Especially when I am being nothing else but myself. I dont change how i act for any one. So once I realize that a chick isn't infatuated with me then I immediately cut all contact. I dont call them unless they call me, and 9 times out of 10 they never do. Which is why I'm sick of the dating scene. SICK OF IT! Its like I know I could find better women than the girls I'm surrounding myself with but all the signs are pointing that it's just not the time.

Which is why in the back of my head I keep thinking that I may just need to wait until  spring/summer  season. That is, if I dont knock up my ex before then.  I was EXTREMELY close to doing it but I stopped myself before things got further.

I forgot to mention that Friday I hung out with another girl that I've been seeing. We basically watched tv and had sex. Yeah this has been a sex filled weekend lol I like her but I don't think things will ever go further than just sex with her. I hope she knows this too because it's not like we go places. She just comes over, we drink, have conversation, watch tv and fuck. That's about it 😆

So right now I'm dealing with her and my ex. I wish I could find a 3rd  woman to deal with but I can't ever seem to make that happen.  So right now I guess ill just keep those 2 in my rotation until something changes.....

Seeing signs

Man...ok...

So because I'm kind of looked at as a professional in the art community, im trying to keep all my personal thoughts that have nothing to do with art away from my Facebook account. So instead they will go here where no one will see then unless you do some crazy digging. 

If any of you actually did the research and dug to find this blog then you my friend deserve a award, a medal, a cookie or something 🤣

Anyways, I want  to express how I've been feeling these past few days. I've been hanging with my ex a lot and I can't lie those feelings are still super strong. I really wish I could turn back the hands of time and fix shit before things got so messed up. After  the amazing night we had, she had to work so I spent the rest of the day drawing and rewatching this series I started watching after me and her separated. Ironic, I know. That night I was looking at old pictures of us (not to mention I didn't realize how many pictures We actually took together) I can't lie, I shed a tear. It's ironic how shit is working right now. Like I actually have her back in my life and yet I still cried a bit because of what we had before. I dont know, guess I'm just super confused. I know we don't deserve each other right now but everytime she comes over, everything just feels so right. I'm low-key really starting to believe she maybe my soulmate. I can't even believe I'm actually saying that. Smh.  last time she came over, she cooked me dinner and we just layed down and kissed. She told me that she loves me and I told her the same. It was perfect.

It just dawned on me. Maybe everything is so perfect and that spark has been replenished because we had some time apart from each other.  Because I can't lie, when she comes over it feels a little bit like when we first met. That rush. that excitement. That love. I get horny as fuck when she is around me. Which is a strong difference from when she used to live with me. So that distance must be making our bond stronger.

I still check up on her Instagram and Facebook posts every now and then. And what I'm starting to notice is that she no longer posts depressing relationship statuses any more. Or the fact that she's tired of dating. Probably because im filling in a void that no other guy could fill. And I'm cool with that for right now. I just gotta make sure I remain the man that I am today and not change or regress to jealousy if she does meet someone else. We are definitely kicking in this Friends With Benefits thing  on the high right now. What's crazy is that I kinda wasn't expecting her to be so cool with this but it's working so im not complaining. She keeps repeating the fact that she would drop all the guys she's talking to for me. I'm a man and I'm being realistic here. I have a feeling that might not always be the case in the future and I'll just have to live with that. But in the mean time, im loving this shit. It's totally taking my mind off of things with the girls who continue to play stupid ass games with me.

I went ahead and deleted all of their numbers today by the way except for 1. Which is a regular.  I dont even have to initiate contact with her.  She always hits me first. Not sure how long that will last though lol.

But yeah all the others, if they ever try to get back in contact with me, they about to get hit with a "who is this" reply. And I won't feel a single bit of sorry about it.