An interesting concept 8/1/2020

So its been quite a while since I've updated this. And a lot of things have happened Since the last post on here.

Its been a full year so we have a lot to catch up on. So let's start with sections

Girls
Art
Life

Girls:
Girls have been one of the main focal points for me this year. Just improving myself while talking to women is such an exciting experience. Unfortunately I haven't been able to do much approaching because of certain life events but we'll get to that later. As of late of been using Tinder, Facebook Dating, and OKcupid to get dates. Lately, most of them have come from Facebook dating. I've met some interesting women over the past year. Some of them worked out and we got along lovely. Some of them tanked and we were at odds from the jump. All in all it was just a chance for me to get back into the game for real this time. I've had a hankering to get my ex out of my mind. Yes...she is still there drifting in my mind. But things are different now. 😊 It all happened a few months ago, I was going through it emotionally. I kept wondering to myself why is it that I can't find a woman that liked me as much as my ex did. Like when she was deeply infatuated with me. I kept coming across women who either gave off a weird vibe from the jump or they seemed as if they were interested in me and then quickly stopped being interested shortly after. This obviously shot my confidence a lot but I still tried to maintain a high level of confidence regardless. So I kept talking to different women. All while stalking my ex (Cece) instagram profile. And to be honest, I almost don't recognize her anymore. She looks different. And not in a good way. She just looks tainted. Maybe its because I've spent the better part of 2 years imagining all the sick shit she did behind my back while we were together, or maybe its all of the crazy shit she has gotten into since we've went our separate ways. Like I'm sure she definitely had sex with that bitch ass nigga Showout and the fact that she was on a dating show on tv and publicly embarrassed herself. And im ashamed to admit that I felt second hand embarrasment just for the simple fact that I actually dated her seriously without knowing her true nature.....but its none of my business no matter how I feel about it. And come to find out she's been stalking me as well, either that or she has a mule account stalking me. As I said something on my page insinuating that she was a trash girlfriend and she ended up posting about it on her page. So clearly she spies on me. Makes me wonder if she knows about this next part....

So I get a random text from another ex....
Angel....aparantly she moved back to Atlanta for a little while and wanted to hang out. We hang out and for most of the time it's just an all around sex fest. The first time we hung out she spent the night and we had sex all night long. I was extremely happy. Not because I was with a woman and we were having fun all night. But because for the first time I finally was able to get my ex off of my mind and I was able to enjoy myself with another ex that clearly still loves me very much. I love her but I don't think its the same way that she loves me. Truthfully I want to be with her but she just has so much baggage that I don't think it would work in the long run. The only time my ex crossed my mind is when I began comparing how I felt in public areas and in my bed with Angel vs. with her. And it was different. Me and Angel have an interesting relationship. And I hope it doesn't change.......

Then...something happened. And it was fairly recent actually. I dont know why I'm feeling these things but I'm feeling them and they won't go away no matter how hard I try to bury them.

So...even though I'm enjoying myself with Angel....the void that I'm trying to place her in just isn't enough. I still found myself having urges to stalk her social media accounts and acting upon those urges. I still sometimes feel this massive hole in my heart and truthfully cece took it from me. All of the women ive been in contact with just couldn't come close to what that woman used to bring to the table as far as attachment and emotions were concerned. That is..until I met another women recently by the name of Courtney.....

Truthfully it seems like this woman fell from the sky. I can't lie, just a week or so ago I was in my car talking to my self conscious, questioning myself as to why I couldn't find a woman to fill that void? Why I couldn't find a woman to make me forget about Cece? Why I couldn't find a woman that was infatuated with me like Angel was infatuated with me?

It was a late week day night and I was just winding down on the day for art. I get a text, and it was from Courtney. She said she wanted to see me even if it was for only 10 minutes. I obliged. It was 11 at night and I had to be up at my day job for 5 am so I wasn't trying to stay up too late. She showed up and did exactly what she said she'd do. When she walked in, I couldnt help but notice her body. She has this perfect pear shape where most of her shape is on her ass and thighs. So immediately I began to smile. I didn't expect much because she wasn't gonna be around for long. But she walked in and saw my new art banner and was immediately drawn to it. She was commenting on all of the characters. She barely made eye contact with me but it was fine because I was studying her body. I couldn't help it. She left after the 10 minutes was up but not before I got a hug and my hands made their way to her soft jiggly ass. Most girls would awkwardly laugh and remove my hands but she let me grab and continue to grab. I also got a disturbing revelation that night. And now things have gone into over drive. During that 10 minutes of her chilling with me she revealed a nickname that her coworkers and friends call her for short. Cocochanel or CECE 😮 if my subconscious mind had a face, that is the exact face it made when she revealed that. But there's more!

A few days later we scheduled another chill session which ended up being much more than a session. It became an overnight thing. And that night revealeved quite a lot of intell. The night instantly brought me back to how me and my ex were before we had the serious falling out. We got drinks she brought weed and we had a fantastic time smoking, talking, having sex, watching TV and drinking. The night went so well that she called out of her job and spent the night. It got to a point where she was sitting on the edge of my bed in her bra and panties while we were talking about issues going on in the world I just couldn't help but tell her how sexy she is. Yes, this woman is gorgeous. In fact she looks better than my ex in every way possible. Its just the vibe that feels intensely simular. She even interacts with Marley and Brandon the exact same as my ex would so I cant lie I get a sense of nostalgia when she does that. I'm not sure how to feel about it though because its not like we've known each other for a long time but my emotions are so intense for this woman. So intense in fact that I try my best to hold back as much as i can because I dont want to scare her away. Its just super weird how this woman is everything I wanted my ex to be while we were together. Like she will sit and play smash bros with me and actually try to learn instead of complaining that I'm loud while playing. She doesn't have any tattoos although she has piercings. She is in shape and watches what she eats. And so much more. I caught myself about to call her Cece a couple of times but I just can't. So I've resorted to calling her baby or babe. And even then that feels eerily familiar to when I was with Cece. It's so crazy how that woman has this much if an effect of my 3 1/2 years after I've stopped dealing with her. Smh well im not entirely sure how this is going to go with Courtney but I'm enjoying my time i have with her for sure. That woman is beyond sexy. Like BEYOND SEXY.

Well that's all for now. This thing has went on long enough. Part 2 coming soon 

The Publix Massacre

Man yesterday did not go as planned AT ALL and unfortunately I learned that I am soooo not prepared for the game like I thought I was.

I spent almost all day in the house because i thought Brandon would come straight from work to my house and then we'd go out and see if we could find some chicks. But because we're both broke we sat around contemplating until we finally decided to leave the house. We were originally planning on going to the rec center because they were throwing a festival there. But we got there too late everyone was leaving when we pulled up. So we turned around and I accidentally got in the turning lane towards a grocery store close by. I feel like shit like this happens because of destiny because this happened all too quickly. I knew Brandon wouldn't approach any chicks if had we seen any I the grocery store so it was all on me.

The minute we walked inside I spotted this girl in the cookie and candy isle. Now had I been on my game 100% then I probably wouldn't have gotten her information but I would've been proud of my approach. But I was 50% because I just wasn't prepared. I walked around the store at first just to see if there were any other girls around. I messed up because I should've just walked up fo her first but I hesitated. Because of this, when I finally did approach I completely fucked it up.

I have this really bad habit of telling myself not to do something during an interaction and then end up doing it anyway. It's like my mind goes blank and I cant think of the right shit to say. And when I tell you that this woman was gorgeous I am not exaggerating. Nice dark skin and the prettiest smile I have ever seen. The funny thing is I didnt stutter nor did I lose my breath while talking to her. But I made things awkward right from the jump by trying to shake her hand the minute I introduced myself. Shouldn't have done that smh.

Then after that happened I asked her where she was from. Shouldn't have done that either. Simply because i really didn't care about that, I just wanted to keep the conversation going. And she could tell. Because after that I finally asked what she was doing tonight. And she gave me the dull answer of working. The minute she told me this my mind went completely blank. Couldn't think of anything else to say other than "we should link" she looked at me, giggled and said no thank you.

That was a first.

Now granted I've approached plenty of women in my time but I've never gotten rejected like that before. Usually they just lie and say that they have a boyfriend. But she didnt. Which makes this a bit worse. In my opinion, she basically told me that she wasnt interested in me at all. Which was cool but I just wasnt expecting that. I have a feeling if my game was on point I probably could've gotten her. But it's so far from being on point right now.

What keeps bugging me about this situation is that if I had studied my material of what to say to a girl to get the information I need before I left then the interaction would've went a whole lot smoother. Kinda like the bartender waitress who rejected me at the Boogolou bar last week. She was one of the baddest in the club but I waved at her to come to me and she did. Told her that she was fine as hell and would like to see her when she got off work And she told me she had a boyfriend. So I can only assume when chicks tell me they have significant others then they are in no way interested. But if a girl just out right rejects me then I probably would've had a chance if I came correctly.

This just proves that all of the shit I talk will go no where if I cant figure out how to do this correctly. I know I'll probably see a woman finer than her as early as next week but I cant help but think I completely ruined my chances with this dime. Because on the grand scale I definitely would've gave her a 20 out of 30 for sure.

But again, the signs were there and the body language shut down immediately after I tried to shake her hand. And I noticed that shit happens damn near everytime I attempt that so I cannot figure out why that shit seems engrained in my head. That and asking a chick where she is from. Both of those ruin a interaction almost everytime. So now I'm going to promise myself never to so those 2 things when interacting with a woman ever again.

It would've just been so simple if I had just gone with the plan in my notes.

Ironically I'm over here thinking about a girl that probably forgot about me 5 minutes after I walked away from her. It's so crazy how different men are from women. If I let it, I could go on and think about this situation for months and let it ruin my chances with other women. Not saying that I will it's just the reality of it. Women have it better when it comes to accepting or not accepting a mate. But we have it good too because we have a choice to approach and they don't they are all too scared to.

Anyway, I'm rambling at this point because I'm pissed. Oh and did I forget to mention that its 7 in the morning right now? Yeah this chick was on my mind so much that I woke up 3 hours earlier than I usually do on Sundays just so I can jot down my experience.....smh

So in the end, I really need to pay attention and think more critically when I approach my next chick. Because I cant keep going through this. And Summer is just around the corner smh

Updates I guess

Its 1 in the morning and I wanted to make an update since it's been a while since the last one.

Not much has changed since the last entry but I was to take this time to reflect on things...

Lately I've been pushing myself to get out of the house a lot more often. I mean the weather is damn near perfect almost everyday so I try to get out when I can. Because if this, I am approaching a lot more women. Unfortunately I haven't had any luck with a single one that I approached. Partly because I'm still new to it and partly because I still have a lot to learn. Because of this, I did what said I would do eventually when I had the money. And that's subscribe to Mr. Locarios membership. I mean, I haven been listening to his content off and on for about 7 years now so it was only right. 🤷🏽‍♂️

And there is soooo much content to take in! I counted 23 videos so far that I need to listen to. And each video is around 40 to 50 minutes long. So there is a lot of information here. And its needed. Big time. I've been struggling with getting women attracted to me over and over again and I'm finally beginning to learn some new things that I never knew were part of the game. So my plan is to take whatever content I need from the membership and cancel it before the second payment. This way, I will always have his premium game content to listen and study for as long as I can.

Because again, i definitely needed the help. I'm growing extremely tired and impatient with this even though i shouldn't be.

I keep seeing all of these super attractive women in person and online when I'm browsing Instagram locations. Its mind boggling just how many beautiful are in Atlanta let alone how many beautiful women are just outside my doorstep. It just bugs me down that everytime I shoot my shot I get turned down. Makes me wonder am I shooting too high? What is it about these other guys that they are getting with that they arent seeing in me? Man, I really wish I had a super attractive female friend who could help me out with this. I really want to know what women think when they see me.

I dont care if they think I'm ugly or attractive because that isn't what I'm looking for, I'm looking for the women who find me sexually arousing and irresistible. Those are the women I need to find insights on.

As I reflect on all the women of my past, they were all attractive in their own rights but deep down I have always settled. I have always settled for the women who find me crazy attractive but I've never been crazy attracted to any of them to be honest. And furthermore, they were all women I met online, which makes things even worse! Like my ex for instance, I still find myself checking her profiles out every now and then even though I shouldn't.

And I admit, even though it sucks, she is definitely a lot more attractive then she ever was when she was with me. The issue always stands that she just didnt value me enough when we were together. She just didnt care because she figured that I would always be there. And in actuality, I probably would've if she would've never cheated. But that's bot the point I'm trying to make....even though shes more attractive now than shes ever been before, shes still the same girl, nothings changed much.
And it's funny when I think about it, I spent 5 and half years of my life dealing with a woman who I should've known would turn out that way.

I began going to clubs by myself again. Last time I attempted this, it was freezing, I had dreads, and my teeth were insane. Needlees to say, I was uncomfortable and I felt out of place. Probably why that one girl who I briefly chatted with has ignored me and blocked me at every chance she could get. Whatever....

But now when I go alone, its not as bad because I'm the complete opposite of what I just stated in the previous paragraph. And I often go out with a mission. Unfortunately the mission are failures most of the time but at least I find a way to get out. Speaking of the club scene and even day game, I've noticed that most of the women look a million times better than my ex anyways. So all it takes is for me to get with one of them to make me completely forget about her. Because I'm not going to lie, i hate it when i think about her sometimes. It's not because of her, its just the thought of how much time I wasted and how eager I was to get back on track right before we broke up. Or just how eager and stupid I was to think it really took 3 years for her to attempt to lose 15 pounds.

I'm sook happy I dont have to deal with that guilt anymore. And that's for both parties. I shouldn't have to deal with guilt of pressuring someone to change when they don't want to. And I shouldn't have to deal with the guilt of constantly comparing her to other girls.

I set her free from all of that bullshit and I hope she meets someone that will make her happy and is happy for her just the way she is. I'm not and never will be. I feel like my fat girl goggles magically fell off when me her were in year 3 of our relationship. And that's when it all went downhill from there.

I say all of that to say this (because this is getting long)

For the first time in quite a while I fan definitely say i am content with the single life right now. Even though I'm not having much luck with the ladies, I am definitely learning more and more things about myself. And eventually I'll begin to see the results that I've been working so hard for. 💪🏽

Big city small world

Nothing major has happened at all since my last post. I haven't met anyone new yet. Although I've had many chances, they all blew up in my face. Every single one. Maybe I've just been rusty, I dont know what it is but I just cant seem to close the deal on any of them women I've approached recently or even talked to online. It's a crazy dry spell and it really sucks. I'm trying so hard not to masterbate but it's getting extremely difficult not to because I'm just simply not getting any love from women right now.

It sucks even more to know the kind of city I'm living in too. Each time I discover a new Instagram model who ventured off in the porn realm I've noticed that a lot of them live in Atlanta. And I mean a lot.

This means that there are tons of freaky ass women in this city. I've just been making some really stupid choices in women lately. That has to be what it is, because the way these women are giving it up these days something just has to be wrong.

One more thing before I go, I reached out to Bahiyyih. Because admittedly even though shes been ran through, I still really would like the opportunity to fuck. Not really sure if that's where her head is at but thats where I'm at with it. I suggested we smoke one day and she agreed but Unfortunately she doesn't live in ATL anymore. Smh but she said she does visit often so I told her to hit me up when she comes back in town. I'm not really thinking anything of it because of all of the circumstances surrounding the situation. But if the opportunity presents itself then I will take it. I remember trying to get at her in 11th grade and she played me like a fiddle. This would be payback if I can pull this off.

I just dont want it to be a situation like with Whitney. Smh anyway, I'm out.

Purpose pursuit

I'm in my bed right now. And its early. Like really early. I'm here because I was fully intending on napping but I cant really sleep anymore. For a few reasons at that.

And for the first time in quite a while, women couldn't be the furthest from my mind right now. Probably because I still haven't approached any and I'm not at all taking online dating seriously anymore so I'm just coasting.

This entry will be about my purpose. The pursuit of happiness through the arts. If I'm being honest here, I haven't been happy with the way things have been going. But I kept a smile on my face because I know things would eventually look up.

Well, things are finally getting back on track thankfully!

First things first, Instagram:

yeah Instagram has been treating me pretty poorly recently. I've been banned 2 times so far from what I know. And I've also gotten my accounts deleted twice.
Luckily things are back to normal now for the most part. My hashtags are working again including the Renisha&cjay hashtags and Magnorthecomic as well.

Kickstarter:

I am almost at my goal!!! I have a little over $400 left to raise! That's really only 4 more people I have to get to donate $100 or more. And I have 13 days to do it. Hopefully I can manage to do it without any issues.

Advertising:

I was finally able to get an advertisement on Tariq Nasheeds podcast last night. Unfortunately, not many people are checking out the Kickstarter from his ad. But I can't lie, hearing him speak Renisha&cjay Cjay's name out to the public like that was more rewarding than anything else at the moment. This is the starting part of a new era with my comics. Especially since I'm doing all if this on my own.

Because of this, I'm trying to remain as positive as I possibly can online. Especially on Facebook. Stark contrast from the last time I mentioned Facebook I know. 🤦🏾‍♂️ Because of the Kickstarter and a few of my artists friends on their backing me up, I have a ton if eyes on me at the moment. So I have to be on my best behavior when it comes to the art game. This means that no matter how bad things get, I cant go on Facebook rants any more. I mean, that's what this personal journal is for anyway. 🤷🏽‍♂️

Other than that I've been a recluse. Haven't really done much other than working on my art and trying to raise money for the Kickstarter.

I have just 13 days to go. And hopefully I can reach my goal before the 18th.

Go for broke

Its almost bed time but I figured I'd go ahead a make another entry for the day.

Nothing really eventful happened today. To be honest nothing eventful has happened at all this week. Well, when it comes to chicks that is....

I'm still trucking a long the best I know how while maintaining my sanity in the process. I haven't approached any women since Sunday because I simply haven't had the energy for it. And then when I do, I realize I'm broke and I barely have enough gas to last the next few days. Luckily I get paid tomorrow smh....

But yeah that's the main reason why I haven't ventured out. I'm dealing with some drama with my bank at the moment and my funds are completely frozen right now. And it really fucking sucks. I've been surviving off of the little bit of food I purchased before my accounts were frozen. Needless to say that I'm not happy but this will pass and things will get back to normal eventually.

I did do something that I told myself I wouldn't do but my curiosity got the best of me today. I went to Cumberland mall in my work clothes! 😱 originally I was going to drive around the building and then leave but I grew anxious and said fuck it and parked. I decided to go to gamestop to see if they had a used copy of DBZ Fighterz but I didn't see one unfortunately.

Also, as I'm walking past the food court to get to Gamestop I couldn't help but chuckle at the fact of what I mentioned in a previous journal entry.

As I walked out of Gamestop I was contemplating on leaving but ultimately I decided to walk around. I saw a total of 2 girls that I couldve possibly holla'd at and one of the 2 was actually eying me pretty hard. But the more I looked at her the less attracted I was. So I passed on that opportunity. I do find it interesting how I did catch a womans attention even though I wasnt looking my best.

I then came home and reflected on this and other things.....

Like my Kickstarter.

As I type this I am currently 493 dollars always from victory!
I have 14 days to raise that ammount. I believe I can do it!!

I am super excited to be getting this underway! Not only because this will be my first successful comic run but it will also give me the opportunity to get the fuck out of this apartment more often. Because I am definitely going to be selling these comics to whoever I think might be interested. It's time to make money off more than just commissions and Patreon. I have a comic with characters that a large variety of people can relate to.

So it's time to get this paper.

Be prepared.....ALWAYS

Man......so this is going to be a long post kinda.....

It is 7:15 PM alot earlier than what I'm used to posting but I have a few thoughts circulating around mind at the moment....

First things first, this past Sunday was an eye opening experience. And I fumbled, HARD.

Brandon came over and we did what we usually do. Smoke and listen to music. Then he go the bright idea of going to a publix down the street to get some change for more weed. I didnt think nothing of it as I just threw on whatever and headed out of the door. (Big mistake)

Soon as we pulled in I seen 2 decent looking women walk in the store. I immediately braced myself for any instances that I may succeed. We parked and got out. Immediately after a girl walked passed us and looked at me dead in my face so I said hello. She said it back and smiled and kept walking.

I figured I wouldn't see anymore women around until we just made it to the front entrance and out walks this pretty chick wearing leggings.(I don't remember much else.) She also looked right into my eyes so I said hello to her also.
She smiled and said it back and we kept walking....until I turned around and looked at her ass. And then I felt this feeling.....the feeling I feel almost everytime I get around a really pretty women. It's this urge that I cant really explain but it's there. And each time I get around a pretty girl I almost always attack. It's like my feet have a mind of their own when this happens.

So I turned around and approached her.
Things were ok until I completely fumbled and ruined my chance. I asked her a stupid question. Then I stuttered. Then I suggested that we should hook up. She immediately told me that she has a boyfriend. I walked away in shame for a few seconds.

The lesson I can take from all of this is to ALWAYS BE PREPARED! You see, I definitely was not in the mood nor the mindset to approach women that day but I did so anyway. I am happy that I did because I would've regretted it if I didnt but I still cant help feeling stupid for screwing up yet another approach smh.

I simply just have to remain prepared at all times. Each time I step out of my place I need to look at it as an opportunity to meet someone new. This way i wont feel flustered when it's my time to shine. Also, i have to stop watching so much porn. But that's a whole other story.....

Speaking of porn, theres this site that hosts a lot of videos and theres a user who uploads his own videos to the site. He goes around secretly recording girls asses and most of them look really great.
I began to wonder why no one ever records any chicks out here in Atlanta, that is until I watched a video with a girl with fat ass and she was standing in front of a restaurant that looked a little too familiar. So I looked closer....🤔

Come to find out that this guy is doing all of this shit right at the mall I frequent a lot! 😱 This is also where Brandon works! Right down the street from my place.

So my eyes are wide open right now. Because the amount of women that guy encounters is insane and knowing that they are all practically 10 minutes away from my place is kinda crazy and mind blowing honestly. I mean, I definitely have heard Brandon talk about the women that go there plenty of times. And even I had a few run ins with some pretty girls back in the day.

But if I'm being honest, I have been avoiding that mall for quite a while now. I honestly don't have a reason for it either. Especially when I used to go to this mall and approach women all the time. But now I just find myself being so awkward when I go there.

Ironically, this is the only mall that makes me feel this way. And its stupid. And I'm getting rid of these thoughts asap.

Just the thought of all of these women going to this mall wearing the most revealing things hoping for a guy like me to walk up to them kinda excites me.
I just gotta stop being a wuss and go up there more. Just thinking of the possibilities is driving me insane. Like there are actually women that wont mind going home with a guy the minute they meet if he makes her feel something.

And that's my objective at this point: To figure out exactly what makes these chicks tick so I can get them over to my place.....

Only time will tell.